Home→Forums→Relationships→Losing my boyfriend to an arranged marriage.
- This topic has 81 replies, 50 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Clarissa.
October 9, 2016 at 7:37 pm #117651AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. Have a safe trip to Canada, when you do travel. Your feelings for him are, indeed, very strong. Post anytime!
anitaJanuary 3, 2017 at 2:25 am #124398Joel WongParticipant
I’m devastated. I got together with this wonderful South Indian girl who was the world to me. I loved her like I’ve never loved before, jumping into this relationship so deep that I cannot imagine living a day without her. She was everything to me. One day, she suddenly proposed to take a break, with the excuse of not having feelings for me anymore, just out of the blue. We talked, we cried and I came to understand that her parents have been asking for her to meet with someone back home. She wanted it to end before we got hurt even more. I understood what stood ahead of us but after more tears and conversations, we decided to try it again.
This Christmas, she went back to India and everything changed. She texted saying that we should break up for real this time, after fighting with her family for the past few days. They have arranged for her to meet with someone from LA. This broke me. I cannot even begin to accept how this is actually happening, how love can be just swept away like it didn’t even matter. She has made her decision to follow her family’s wishes because she cannot bear to risk disappointing them, being the eldest and having to set an example to the rest of her family and society. I have told her my mind and my determination to fight alongside her for this to work out, to prove to her family that if it’s my origin and my race that poses a problem then I’ll be willing to sacrifice everything to become part of them. But she is insisting that this is not a fight that can be won, that this future is impossible.
I will be seeing her again in New York in two weeks. With everything that came to pass, I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. My heart is telling me to continue fighting for her to show her how much I love her but it feels like I’m up against an immovable wall. What should I do? Is it really impossible for love to triumph tradition and culture? Please help…I’m really devastated..January 3, 2017 at 9:17 am #124424AnonymousGuest
It is truly impossible for you to win in this situation- you can’t fight and “triumph tradition and culture” when the woman you love has already submitted to tradition and culture. You can’t be a solo fighter and win; to win, the fight has to be fought by you and her, the two of you together.
I am not surprised that she gave in to her family, her parents, primarily. They have been with her longer than you have, instilled in her the strong desire to win their approval and the fear of their disapproval. Your willingness to do anything so to win her parents’ approval cannot bring you triumph because they already disapproved of you for things you cannot change about yourself, and they have chosen another man for her.
As painful as it is for you, as strongly as you feel for her, there is nothing for you to do but do all that you can to heal, over time, from this emotional devastation. Do post again, any time you need to.
anitaFebruary 10, 2017 at 6:52 am #127146JaneParticipant
I was reading your post and I felt like I was the one telling the story.
My situation is exactly like yours except that he is Pakistani.
He went home from Korea for PHD and now his parents are rushing his wedding.
He is getting married.
Just last week we were talking about our travel plans and now, just one blink, he is getting married tomorrow.
I feel so lost in my life.
How have you been coping up? I hope you have moved on.
Inshallah.February 13, 2017 at 3:19 pm #127483JohnParticipant
Oh man, stay clear from brown families unless you are 100% certain they are not the traditional usual brown family. It is a very selfish culture. The parents think that forcing their kids to do what the parents want is whats best for the kids. Until they come out of the dark ages you will rarely win over the parents. Be extra careful, even if Dad and Mom seem “liberal” they will convince the kid to boot you at any hint of discord in the relationship. In short, STAY AWAY.February 13, 2017 at 9:22 pm #127509NiyataParticipant
I’m an Indian, But whatever you said is 100% true. Indian kids does not really know what being independent (emotionally, financially, physically) is even though they try to be so they would never dare to disrespect their parents even if they are wrong. at 20’s almost everyone in the family will try to set you up with a guy/girl they know. Marriage is not based upon true feelings most of the time. Once i dated a guy who wants to get married and have babies before 30 (else the society will question him it seems) that was the sole reason he was in love. Double life is common here because they never stand up for what they really want, so they keep what they get and in pseudo mode they try getting what they really like. But if you ask them they wont agree they will act like they have all transformed and adaptive to western culture etc., like down to earth. But beware..February 13, 2017 at 9:42 pm #127511NiyataParticipant
Hello Mr. Wong,
I’m sorry for such late reply, But i feel like sharing some words with you being a south Indian girl and i guess and shortly don’t waste your life for her. Please.. Regardless of whatever race we all come from, love is a universal language . When we love someone we do it above all differences, race and origin i dunno how suddenly during marriage it is all an issue. If the girl was strong, there is no force that could have stopped you both from being together. We are in 21st century and even for South Indian culture and that is just BS (forgive my language). I can understand how true your love was when you say you are ready to change your life style etc., If we cant accept our loved ones for who they are then what is the point of love? Good things comes to those who wait. I’m pretty damn sure someone who loves you more than anyone in this world is just out there. Its better you don’t keep in touch with her anymore focus on your life. All the best!April 25, 2017 at 8:26 am #146635RosalieParticipant
This has just happened to me..June 22, 2017 at 10:34 am #154540SallyParticipant
Ive been following Shantigirl stories since be that girl. So he did and told me to wait for him and said will divorce her and marry me after he come back.
I really dont know what to do and hopeless and being sick for a month now. I tried to forget him but not able to do so. He still text me every single day and keep telling me he loves me and will not forget our dreams. 🙁June 25, 2017 at 8:34 am #154876SpaceSparklesParticipant
I have been following this thread and I am shocked and amazed at all the brave women. I too, have a broken heart from an Indian boyfriend. He was perfect. He made my life better just by being in it and being himself. I fell for him fast and he was so 100% all about me. He would cook for me, take me out, hold my hand, protect me, look after me, keep my safe, tell me that he cared only for making me happy and would do anything to stay and be with me. Then he told me he is in love with an Indian girl here in USA who has been in a relationship with someone back home for 6 years. So, he thinks she will marry the other person. And, knows his mom would not approve of me as a blonde white girl even though I’m an Engineer with amazing job, I’m beautiful, and I take care of him- I am any American mans dream. American men have never treated me the way he does. I am devastated. Even with this horrible situation (he does not want to see me again all of the sudden even though I love him) this is still the best relationship I’ve ever had. I don’t know how to move on and I don’t think anyone will ever measure up to him. I would appreciate any kind words. And, I can not believe Indian men like this are so staggeringly common. How does loyalty to a mother trump love. And, how does an Indian man who values loyalty (like a loyalty like me to him) choose an Indian girl who emotionally cheated? I would never do this to him.July 31, 2017 at 9:17 pm #161488CherisseParticipant
There is no logic in this. Only culture and tradition. I question how much indian people really love their children. Or what their idea of love is. Sure the divorce rate in this country is low but how about their socio-economic situations? Could it be that the way that these people are forced to follow traditions be a major contributor to this? I have a lot of questions about this country and I am truly inspired to dig deeper into the issues.
My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago because I pressured him to tell his parents about us. We were together 7 months. He would tell me that he loved me and would fight to be with me if they tried to arrange him but I can sense fear in him whenever this topic would come. I needed to know the truth about what would really happen because I couldn’t bare the thought of being together longer only to have him leave me if he couldn’t really fight. Sadly, I was right. I am deeply devastated and broken hearted. I feel this is an injustice to human beings in general. To them, it is normal and they accept this way of life. To me, it is betrayal, irresponsible, and can cause someone’s future or even their life. I can see that these men are raised to be the perfect men to be your life partner which can create an illusion for us women who are mere victims to their character.
I currently have a love/hate curiosity for this country and I am in the process of finding my higher purpose in life as a result of this experience. I will forgive because I do not understand and I doubt I ever will. I just don’t want to waste my time trying to understand a country I am not raised in. Instead, I will learn to love a country that has raised children who show us love and deep heartache all at once. I truly want to adopt a child from this country and raise him to change this culture if possible. This is to help stop this injustice I feel. That’s just an idea. I have many more but I think I have written enough for now.
I’m sorry for all your losses. All of you that went through this including myself do not deserve this. I think we need to raise more awareness on this issue. I have a burning desire for this. I hope all of you can channel this heartache into a similar cause.
CherisseAugust 2, 2017 at 8:19 am #161714CherisseParticipant
To whomever is reading, I woke up today realizing that when he consented to this arranged marriage, it’s like he got engaged. With that idea in mind, I realized that pursuing any sort of relationship or having any more feelings towards someone who is engaged is practically like having an affair. I would never want that to happen to me if I was engaged and would never want that to happen to anyone. So with this realization, I somehow felt a big release of emotion. I am not gonna be a homewrecker. I am so much more than that. Remember. He consented to this. He now made a commitment to marriage. Marriage is a sacred thing and must fully be honored. No matter if they say “I am forced to this”, no. We cannot accept this. We need to realize that this is an affair that we will be having if we continue any contact with them or even have any sort of feelings towards them! This is all equal to the westerner’s infidelity don’t you think? It’s so not worth it. We were always “the other woman” even if it seemed like we were not. No way will I ever settle for that.August 2, 2017 at 10:16 am #161764AnonymousGuest
I think that if I was to consider dating a man who was raised in an arranged-marriage culture and who is still in contact with his parents who still practice this custom, I would first make sure that the parents are interested in me as a wife to their son, first thing. I will not develop a relationship with the man unless I met his parents first and got their approval.
And yes, when you have a relationship with a man who is engaged or married to another woman, it is an affair, by definition, and it is infidelity, by definition, regardless of the reasons behind the engagement/ marriage.
I hope you recover from your heartache.
anitaOctober 1, 2017 at 6:53 am #171097MichelleParticipant
I’m going through the same situation right now. My boyfriend is Indian and his parents wish to arrange a marriage. They are firm on this and he doesnt want to protest their decision. I feel so depressed and hopeless right now. And when I read the first few posts you wrote, I felt like that was me. I dont know what to do now…October 12, 2017 at 10:31 pm #172973ShynParticipant
I have read all of these and it’s really sad to know that you lose your love because of arranged marriage.
I met an indian guy in online dating app and I asked him about this. He told me that arranged marriage is only done when they don’t have someone they love. And that is opposite to what I have read in here.
Even if he told me not to worry about this,. I am still having doubts. So right now I am not sure if I would accept his feelings for me.