Home→Forums→Relationships→Losing my boyfriend to an arranged marriage.
- This topic has 81 replies, 50 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Clarissa.
April 28, 2015 at 6:14 pm #75926
I am currently in this situation right now and im totally broken. We have been together for one year and 3months and we really love each other. Im a christian and he is muslim. We met here in canada as colleagues, and madly fell inlove with each other. Im a foreign worker and im working with a contract under my boyfriend’s uncles. They learned about our relationship, talked to us to separate, even threatened both of us that they will send their nephew who is my boyfriend in lebanon and me in my country. But we fought and lasted for a year and 3 months. His uncle can not do anything Even if they make my life in the store a living hell. I can not find another job because im under contract and i dont wanna leave my love of my life. We work together, see each other everyday and we fall inlove again and again each day that comes. I am now 23. I heard from him just last saturday that his uncles who are on vacation in lebanon and his parents in lebanon arranged a marriage for him. He is now engaged with a girl that he never met personally and will be married in his coming vacation within this year. This is the only way his uncles could think to make the two of us separate even at our early age.
My boyfriend and his family is too traditional that they believe in arranged mareiage than letting one of them love and marry someone who is not in their community. My boyfriend can not say no to his family because both of us are still young, he works for his uncles, he is the bread winner in his family and if he chose me he will be excluded in his family and work Where he is the assigned manager.
I feel so helpless, i asked him if we can still be together since the girl is miles away from us and i can not afford working with him, and seeing him everyday with the thought that he is going to be with someone else. I know that it is so stupid of me to want the two of us to continues loving each other despite what is going on now. He said it would be difficult becuase he needs to learn to forget me and learn to love his future wife. But i insisted and because he loves me, we are still doing what we used to do, what lovers are used to do.
But everytime im alone, i always cry because i know that he will be getting married very soon. Im thinking of suiciding or planning to get impregnated with him hoping that our baby will change whatever is happening now.
I need your help. What should i do?April 29, 2015 at 10:44 pm #75974lucyParticipant
Hi, please do not plan to get pregnant just to keep him. You may regret this later if he still doesn’t choose you. He is not worth it! I know its painful now to let him go but you deserve better! Tell yourself this over and over whenever you think of him. And please do not commit suicide. Again, he is not worth it if he is not man enough to turn down arranged marriage because he is a coward.April 30, 2015 at 12:22 pm #75992
I wish i can just look for another job. But i can’t. And it kills me Because i have to work with him. I have deal with him six days a week and i am not that emotionally strong to pretend that everything is going fine. :'(
My world stopped completely. I dropped my subjects(im under study while work permit), i didnt enroll for summer and im really lost.im so stupid and weak. I hate myself because i can not fight back and stand up.April 30, 2015 at 12:23 pm #75993
I wish i can just look for another job. But i can’t. And it kills me Because i have to work with him. I have to deal with him six days a week and i am not that emotionally strong to pretend that everything is going fine. :'(
My world stopped completely. I dropped my subjects(im under study while work permit), i didnt enroll for summer and im really lost.im so stupid and weak. I hate myself because i can not fight back and stand up.October 6, 2015 at 7:07 am #84815Imogene9999Participant
I fell in love over 4 years ago, and ever since then my heart has never been satisfied. I can only sympathies with your pain. I fell in love without even knowing I was attached. I went everyday, out of my way to see him, I spent nights away thinking about him, I slept on park benches and outside his house in my car just to feel like I was with him. I texted him all the time, I still couldn’t tell him my feelings. I choked back my pride still the words couldn’t come out. I tried and I tried. I never thought I was good enough, size 12, life self esteem issues I never though I was good enough for a man like him. He was ripped… How could he want a girl like me? Yet he appeared to be so humble. He has such a spell on me that one finger of his could touch my body and send me to shivers. He slept on the beach for me, he tried to fight for me, he told me he loved me was this all a lie? He had eyes that could see right through your soul. Ever since he left for Iran I knew he was different. Maybe it was that look in his eye… I have no idea, I just knew him too well for him not to act like this. I received a call 11:45am I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting on my couch watching Hasee toh Pahsee and talking to my mum. I picked up the phone. “Imogene you know why iv been so different?” The first thing that ran through my head “Please don’t tell me your married…” I felt knots in my throat finding it difficult to speak. “Mmmmhhhhm” he replied. I felt my heart break into a thousand pieces, I held my breathe not because i wanted to because I couldn’t let it out. I hung up, delete, delete, delete. My body fell to the ground. I was on my knees. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I had lost everything. He asked me for a kiss, I refused it all passed through my mind in milliseconds. “You will get married” I don’t want to kiss you.””Imogene I promise I wont” he said. He broke his promise.. “I don’t want to get married until I have a job and a house, until I have my life sorted.” Its your fault you didn’t kiss me now im married! He gave me a ring.. A fake one… But it didn’t even matter it was fake i just wanted to know he was there. I haven’t taken it off. “Imogene this is goodbye” he said as he gave me the ring at a park 5 minutes from his house. Ill always feel ,like my heart is with him. It kills me every time i close my eyes I see him with his Muslim fiance. The thought of her carrying his womb kills me. I cant close my eyes. I’ll I see is them. I call his phone straight to message bank. 4 years of hurt. Raouf Sadeghi.October 21, 2015 at 5:07 pm #85825ritaParticipant
Hi shantigirl and others on here with similar situations, how are you now?xxJanuary 20, 2016 at 12:09 am #93098MAJParticipant
I just came across this post today, I wonder how you are right now and how you cope.
Me and my boyfriend for 2 years who is an Indian is also being arrange by his family. Everything happened so fast, my boyfriend is saying no and even made me speak to his family on skype. His dad knows about me but only after my boyfriend admitted that he confirmed that we are in relationship. After the skype call, still his family wants him to go ahead and meet the girl, they cannot accept me because i am a foreigner. His mum is crying and emotionally blackmailing my boyfriend, my boyfriend cannot hurt his mum so better that he has to choose them. It was very hard, even I cannot imagine that this happen in real life. I was just trying to be strong and show him any sign of weakness from me as I know it will only give him hard time.January 20, 2016 at 8:10 am #93109AnonymousGuest
The loyalty of your boyfriend to his parents is going to win over his love for you. That loyalty is deeply ingrained. It will take a very strong man to turn his back on that ingrained-in-childhood loyalty. In countries where arranged marriage is not the practice, there are plenty oh, so much misery adult children are still going through because of such loyalty, to beliefs ingrained in childhood….
Take care of yourself and… would you recommend, knowing your experience, that women not of Indian descent do not date Indian men to begin with, that it is doomed to start with?
anitaAugust 22, 2016 at 5:08 am #112985NerizaParticipant
Hi Maj, I wonder how you feeling right now and I want to know how you coped up. But I just want to share my story as I am currently lost with what happened to my so called “relationship.” So I had this Indian guy as my friend for 10 months. We were both cheated by our exes that’s why our common friend thought of introducing us to each other. My first intention was to unbreak my heart from my then 6-year relationship so decided to date him as a form of rebound. He told me at first that he has nothing to give to me and he cannot commit. Everything was clear at first. Without knowing, as we continuously communicate I didn’t notice that I was falling for him already that’s why when I get attached to him I tried to stop the friendship that we had. But I did promised him that I wouldn’t want to be the reason for breaking a friendship that’s why I decided to continue. I have been stopping myself all along whenever I feel like needing a real boyfriend’s attention because I know in the first place where I stand in his life. It was a roller coaster feeling for, but I took it as challenge. I want to use the reverse psychology technique wherein I would always be there for him even if I feel like giving up with a hope that he will return the same affection. But he was just so hard to the point that he speaks differently from his acts. I know during that time he’s been loving me secretly. Until the last two weeks came and things would just turned out differently. We were going out always and he’s becoming caring and sweet. I did wonder, it was different set-up from our casual dating. So I asked him if he is seeing another girl, he answered no. I demanded him not to see anyone but me while we’re still communicating. Then that’s the only time he told me that his parents has already chosen the girl that he will marry. He told me that he can’t say no his mom because she is sick and he wants to make her happy before she dies. He told me that he loves me during that time. He even asked me what are we gonna do. He broke my heart when he said that. I asked him if he could marry me. All he said is that he cannot take me to his life. I want to believe that he just love me that he doesn’t want me to enter his chaotic life based on the story of his family he shared to me in the course of our friendship/relationship period. But we all know that it would never be fair on my side. I came to a point that I would want to spend with him my remaining days in this country where we are both working. Yes I decided to go to my home country not only because of him but because of my family whom I am faraway with in the past 5 years of my life. Later on, I realized that it’s gonna be stupid to be happy with him at the moment knowing that it will just worsen what we are both feeling towards each other. We had our closure. He told me that I had been his girlfriend and he will never forget me. I want to thank him for helping me forget my ex, but I want to get mad at him for not fighting for me. I don’t want to believe that he didn’t love me. But I guess, letting him go would be the best decision I could ever done for my lovelife. I deserve better. Someone who can give me the same love I am giving. Now, I am coping with it positively but still there are nights that I am feeling so empty asking God why did I had to meet him if he would just only break my heart once again.
October 2, 2016 at 6:49 pm #116962
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Neriza.
Hello! I’m new here, I need to tell you everyone in this post is so strong.
My story might sound a little bit not important at all… but I needed to tell someone.
I met this guy about 4 years ago while a exchange in Canada(I’m mexican). We liked each other but actually didn’t know until 2days ago that we had contact after all this time. I’ve always loved other cultures(I wanted to be an anthropologist) but there are some traditions I really don’t understand at all.
So we told all of our old stories woth different points of view and we are in love even if is a long distance relationship we would like to be together soon. But I’ve lost contact with him, his parents are very strict and doesn’t allow him to have social media that much so he just had snapchat.
We were talking about our relationship and the fact that he’ll have an arranged marriage someday( we are 20, I know we are young but I’d give up to fight for this as soon as I can). Then his account was deleted.We are trying to contact each other by a friend that is saying everything will be ok for both of us.
I don’t know what to do. Seriously life reunited us after being looking for each other 4 years, it hurts too much to give it up.
I’m sorry to post a story that is not so difficult as yours and I admire you so much please help me ♡.October 2, 2016 at 9:10 pm #116975AnonymousGuest
Your long distance boyfriend who is 20, is he obedient to his parents? Or is he rebelling? What are his thoughts and feelings, as he has shared with you, about his parents’ control of his life (social media for one, arranged marriage in the future)?
anitaOctober 3, 2016 at 1:31 pm #117074MeganParticipant
I was wondering how you were doing with everything now? I was with my Indian boyfriend for 3 years and we were planning on getting married and starting a family. He went home to visit for the first time since he moved to Canada and everything came crashing down. On February 29th he texted me and told me that his mom didn’t like me and him together. He told me he wasn’t coming back and then blocked me. My whole life came crashing down around me. A month later I found out he was engaged. He did end up coming back to Canada but he didn’t tell me. His friend did. He tells me he still loves me and he wants to marry me but now that he has agreed to this arranged marriage it cannot be undone. He doesn’t want to marry her. This all happened almost 10 months ago and it feels like it happened yesterday. I keep trying to plan for my future but all I see is him. I don’t know how I am supposed to move on. I don’t know how I am supposed to let go. I would have given up everything I know to be with him, and I still would. I haven’t found many people to talk to about this that actually understand what I am going through. Me and him still kind of talk, I don’t think I could completely let go of him in my life. But I think when he gets married he won’t talk to me anymore.
I hope things have been going well with you.October 4, 2016 at 9:00 am #117146
Anita♡Thanks for your reply.
I think he’s obedient but our friends say he will rebel anytime soon probably cause he’s always been the weird out of his family, so Idk what to think about it.
His parents does control a lot of his life I think, they always teached him to hide his feelings(more love and lust), but still after all these years when we had contact again, he told me everything about what he felt and he said we would be so good together.
I’m afraid I can’t do anything because of the distance and so but atm I’m trying to save as much as I can to go to Canada again and at least see him one more time…
Thank you so much for the attention, no one has understood what I feel.October 4, 2016 at 9:32 am #117156AnonymousGuest
* Dear itelmoonkiks:
It reads to me that you feel very strongly for this young man. Having read about arranged marriages on this Forum from a dozen of people, or more, I learned that the young person in such families is often very obedient. No matter how unhappy about the arranged marriage, no matter if the person loves another, obedience is so strong, that the person proceeds with the arranged marriage.
Of all the stories I read here, none of the young people rebelled and left their family in favor of someone they loved. Instead, they went along with the arranged marriage.
Keep this in mind and try to get more information about his state of mind before you travel to Canada. If you travel to Canada. I would like you to be realistic and not lost in what may be unrealistic wishful thinking and hoping and dreaming.
anitaOctober 9, 2016 at 1:15 pm #117633
Thank you so much about it.
I’m still going to travel cause I haven’t seen my friends in a while, he was just a plus to my trip.
I’m afraid he might just be obedient, but I’m ok with this, it’ll be his decision; and my love will be strong enough to understand it.
Yes I don’t how i grew fond of him.