Home→Forums→Relationships→Losing my boyfriend to an arranged marriage.
- This topic has 81 replies, 50 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Clarissa.
July 4, 2020 at 10:12 am #360525AnonymousGuest
* Dear Lisa: I hope you get replies on this thread. If you want my reply (and maybe others’ as well), you can start your own thread (Click FORUMS above, scroll down to relationship, click that, scroll down to the empty boxes. You can copy your post above and paste it there, and add to it if you want to.
anitaAugust 3, 2020 at 9:05 am #363624beinghuman1Participant
I’m in a very similar situation to everyone on this thread, and I wanted to share my story to see if there’s any advice, as compared to most situations, it has only been 8 months into my relationship. My boyfriend is Indian-American, and I am Malaysian-American, and we both live in the US. Although he and his family were originally from India, both him and his parents have been living in the US for over 14 years, and we currently live in a separate state from his parents. We do not live together, but we have stayed at each other’s places quite often.
He has been very open about the conversations he’s been having with his parents about our relationship, and they’re currently talking about this every day or every other day. He has told them nothing but positive things and that he loves me, but they have high reservations since I am not Indian. A few months ago, they had suggested that they keep an open profile of him while dating me, and he had shut that down completely, however he and I are still under the suspicion that his parents are still searching for him nonetheless. There was a period of time recently where I thought things were looking up for the better – he had sent a photo of my cooking to them, and they were impressed. I had also briefly met his mother through Skype. However, the other day, my boyfriend had a long conversation with them about me as a prospect of marriage, and they were completely against it, saying that I was not a right fit. He also had said that his mother had been physically ill this entire week as a result of worrying so much about us.
I know for a fact that they’re not bad parents, that they’re very caring of him and love him greatly. They want what’s best for their son and their family. He in return loves his parents deeply and he hardly creates conflict with them. We both love each other deeply, we have great communication, and we’re practically each other’s best friends. The thought of losing him hurts, as the connection I have with him is stronger than with any of my exes. Had I not been privy to his family situation, I would have been convinced he’s the one. His transparency about the situation is very helpful since I’m not running blind into love, but I don’t know if I need to prepare for separation or continue to try and fight with him for our love. I don’t know if at the end of the day, he’ll want to fight to keep me, or if his parents will try to shut us down before it reaches a year. He has cried to me, wishing that this was easier, that his happiness was their top priority. I can sympathize only a little, as my own parents are strict in the more East-Asian style way, but beyond this, I feel helpless in what the right thing to do is. Especially with the state of the world, being alone is the scariest thing in the world.August 3, 2020 at 10:20 am #363637AnonymousGuest
You shared that you are Malaysian-American and your boyfriend is Indian-American. He and his parents have been living in the US for over 14 years, you and him live separately in one state while his parents live in a different state. He told his parents positive things about you and that he loves you, but they have “high reservations” about the relationship because you are not Indian, right from the beginning of when he told them about you.
You were hoping for their change of hearts after your boyfriend sent to them a photo of you cooking and after having briefly met his mother through Skype, but the other day your boyfriend talked to them about marrying you and “they were completely against it”, saying that you are not a right fit for him. And your boyfriend told you “that his mother had been physically ill this entire week as a result of worrying so much about us”.
You wrote about his parents: “they’re very caring of him and love him greatly. They want what’s best for their son”, and that he told you that “his happiness was their top priority”-
I don’t believe that the above two sentences are true; I don’t think that his happiness is his parents’ top priority- not in the context of his future marriage. They are not thinking about his happiness in this context, but their happiness. They want him to marry an Indian woman of their liking (not his), and that’s all there is to it.
In yet other words: they are willing to hurt him so to achieve what is convenient for them. His mother complaining that she’s been physically ill the entire week is most likely a lie and it is her attempt to make her son feel guilty and therefore, to cause him to break up with you (so that his mother will not be physically ill anymore). Mothers lying in order to guilt trip their children (of minor age and adult age) is very, very common.
It’s not about his parents being loving or strict, it’s about them being selfish, self centered and self serving, and willing to go about it dishonestly. Unfortunately, their son is not likely to view them this way, but see them in the best possible way, attributing good motives to their actions.
It doesn’t look good to me, when (referring to your screen name), being Indian is way more important to his parents, than being human. Please post again if you would like to communicate with me further.
anitaAugust 5, 2020 at 5:17 am #363847NitaParticipant
Hi guys, how do I create a new thread?
I want to share my story and gain input. I will like to make a new thread.
But to make it very brief, my situation is very similar to you guys’ except there are some unusual occurrences. In you guys cases the guy doesn’t want to go against his parents. But in mine, his parents were against it but he fought for me. he was discussing court marriage with me, invited his friends and told them about our plans then all of a sudden within a matter of 3 days after going to his mom’s house turned extremely 180 and ends up meeting an arrange marriage girl for the first time (a girl whom he told me he didn’t like earlier). Since then he’s gotten aggressive strange weird. Right now he’s trying to threaten me with a legal case. Remember this is a guy who moved out of his parents house to be with me and changed to extreme level in 3 days ?!?
I’m trying to talk to him but there is no communication possible. Things are too strange right now. He’s trying to put a restraining order on me. And it 3 days ago he was discussing our marriage plans and future with his friends and me.
I’m just not sure what to think or do.
If admin can pls open up a new thread for me with this post I would appreciate it.August 5, 2020 at 6:06 am #363849NitaParticipant
Nevermind guys I created a new thread!!
If u guys can follow n advise it will b good.
my Bf of 16 years is being forced to get an arranged marriageDecember 29, 2021 at 4:09 pm #390494covidishardParticipant
Six years after your post. Hope you’re doing well!
I’ve been with my bf since for 14 months and today he told me that his parents had been asking him for a month to consider an Indian girl. According to him, that girl doesn’t have to be from their arranged marriage. So long as she is Indian, they’d be happy with that.
I’m a Chinese and we met in New Zealand. Have discussed about our future plans and his parents added me on Facebook 4 months ago.
He’s planning to keep telling them NO and let’s see how it goes.December 29, 2021 at 4:31 pm #390501AnonymousGuest
Lots of Indian men do as their parents tell them to do when it comes to marriage. It is a custom that when an Indian man gets married, his parents move in with him and his new wife, being one extended family where the son’s mother often has lots of power over the son’s wife.
Are you okay with that likely, to “see how it goes” means that the relationship with you will be ending?
anitaMay 9, 2022 at 8:58 pm #399861ClarissaParticipant
He’s not a child. He’s a grown man.