Dear Nita:

“my bf is Indian. Specifically from Fiji islands. Do u guys know anyone from those places?”-

– I don’t but I looked it up at Wikipedia (entries: “Fiji” and “Indo-Fijians”):  Fiji is located in the South Pacific Ocean. It consists of 332 islands, of which 106 are inhabited by people, and 522 smaller islets. The two biggest islands are Viti Levu and Vanua Levu. The islands are mountainous and covered with thick tropical forests.

Fiji used to be a British colony (like its neighbors New Zealand and Australia), then won its independence in 1970, and became a Republic in 1987.

In 1878 Indian people were brought to Fiji from India, first from Calcutta, then from Madras and Bombay, as indentured laborers (similar to slaves) to work  on the sugarcane fields of Fiji. They were brought on sailing ships (a 73 day trip), or steamers (a 30 day trip).

By 1916, about 61 thousand Indians from were brought to Fiji. The idea was that the Indian workers will work for five years in Fiji and then return to India at their own expense. The great majority chose to stay, many couldn’t afford the trip back. Later, in the 1900s, Indians started arriving in Fiji as free agents (not as indentured laborers). Among them were religious teachers, missionaries and at least one lawyer.

As a result of the years of Indian indentured labor, similar to slavery, Indian people of different castes lived together, ate together and the caste system ended. Also, there was a shortage of Indian women in Fiji, in the early days, which resulted in many marrying outside their caste.

Because people from different areas of India were living together, a new language called Fiji Hindi was formed from the different languages and dialects of India. Later the language was further enriched by including many native Fijian words and English words.

Most of the population in Fiji from 1956- the 1980s were Indo-Fijians, but because of political unrest and discrimination in the 1980s, lots of Indo-Fijians who could afford it,  left Fiji. Currently, Indo-Fijians are no longer the majority, but 40% of the population (almost 60% of the population are native Fijians).

– did you know any of the above information?

You shared that your boyfriend and his parents are of Indo-Fijians origin, that his parents were against his relationship with you, but he lived with you for 8 years and considered court marriage with you. Then “all of a sudden”, 3 days after he visited his mother, he met a woman that his mother wants him to marry and he is threatening you with a legal restraining order.

Did he threaten you with a legal restraining order because you went to his mother’s house one time, when she opened the door to you and told you to go away, and did you refuse to leave her house?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Nita:

In your original post you wrote: “when I went to his parents house to talk to him his mom opened the door and said to go away. I asked her how can he change so fast n she just gave me this evil smile”.

In your second post you wrote: “Anita, no, I wrote when He (my bf) went to his mothers house. I don’t go to her house”-

– in the first post you wrote that you went to his parents’ house and in the second, you wrote that you didn’t. I don’t understand the contradiction.

“I didn’t want the Wiki details on Fiji”- I understand. I didn’t think those details can hurt, they were interesting to me. I thought they may be interesting to you, having been in a 16 year relationship with a man from that background.

“I’m really feeling a 6th sense something doesn’t seem right”- I suppose you are referring to what you wrote in your second thread: “I’m feeling lately someone’s done something to me in terms of voodoo etc.”- I don’t have any experience with voodoo. I remember being in an authentic voodoo store in Venice, California. I don’t happen to believe in voodoo.

I do hope you feel safer soon.

anita

Dear Nita:

Mothers are often very powerful in their children’s lives, way into adult ages. Often mothers keep their power over their adult children by guilt tripping them, telling them how hard they worked, how much they sacrificed, and the message to the adult-child is: you owe me! – and this happens in all kinds of ethnic groups and cultures, arranged marriages- or not.

I don’t know the history of your relationship with your (now ex) boyfriend, his long history with his parents, and your shorter history with his parents. If I knew, I’d have something more specific to tell you than the generality in my first paragraph here.

Advice: he told you that he wants you to make no contact with him, not on the telephone, not online, not in-person, so don’t make any contact with him. If you had a child with him, or community property or legal matters that need to be settled, then contact through an attorney would be appropriate, but with no such matters- have no contact with him.

If you want to share with me your history with his parents, and what you know about his history with his parents, his relationship with them before meeting you and after, please do, but only if you want to, only if you think it may help shed some light on what happened, or why it happened.

anita

Hello,

I really want to find some support, advices what can I do. And please help me create new topic if I get more answers like that…

I am so lost now, feel so lonely. And I could see it happens here to many people. But I never could imagined it could happen to me.

I love a guy from Pakistan. We met while studying in the UK, I am from Ukraine. Almost 8 months we were meeting every day, we had always so good time with each other, understanding, respect, could say everything and support each other, and never said anything bad to each other. First few months he was scared to promise me something. But then he said that he want to be with me. And I really love him and it’s my first time I met such a person. In august I went home to Ukraine. We talked on phone every single day. In December he went home (they live in Saudi Arabia). 2 days ago he heard that his parents were discussing that he’s gonna marry soon as he’s old. And he decided to say about me. He said today. And then he told me he didn’t expect this and he doesn’t have hope anymore. That his mom is against me as I’m not Pakistani. Few hours later he said that actually it all happens as they told his aunt to marry his cousin and all her relatives know about that already. He told her parents he loves me and I’m the best person, but his mom says they know better what he needs, and that his dad did everything to him and he should listen and respect them. If he says no, his dad’s sister will have fight with his family. And they will have fight with him. And they will not accept me. And he said that he doesn’t want me to go through this and said to breakup. And it’s likely that he will marry as he doesn’t want to fight.

i still can’t believe and can’t accept this. I still hope that I or he can do something and something will change. Though maybe it useless hope which will make me feel worse. And he is not even gonna do anything I think… but how is it like this? I love him and he really loves me. I imagined future with him and thought how good man he is. The best for me. How can he be with cousin who he doesn’t know and doesn’t like? How will he be happy? His mom says he’ll be happy and if with me, he won’t, and that our children would blame us that we chose each other. But how can he listen always to them and even “love” someone they say? I can’t believe this is happening.

Thank you, Anita. Next morning after this happened I tried to call, he didn’t pick up. So, just texted him that I had some ideas of what could be done as I was thinking for the whole night. And that morning I finally realized I can do nothing and it’s only on him now. I did everything that I could. Now I can only live through this and be well after some time. So, I’m accepting it now, still feel bad but it’s a huge progress already. And good that I tried convincing him as I wouldn’t realize it. That morning he told me he accepted the situation already, so should I. And he said he’s gonna marry that girl. Although he was saying no before so I had hope because of that too, that I can wait. But he told me to not wait. Maybe even now he said he will marry so I just don’t hope. Maybe he still will not. But I think now that he will and I shouldn’t hope at all. I already understood something about that culture and that I knew nothing about that. So now I understand it’s unlikely to change something.

it is sad if he knew but still started this relationship. As he could know much better than me.

Yes, this is what he told me. He still didn’t start earning and he’s gonna work with his dad. He said they want him to pay off for what they did to him and this is the way and he is accepting it. I personally think that it’s too high price for what they did, as parents do it because they love. In his case they do it to have power, to live his life instead of him. Sadly he will never have choice if it goes like this. Even more sad because his kids will be at the same situation and life of all these people is life of his parents and their decisions.

And i think good friends, family are very important and make people happy. Now he will make family and be near the partner all the time. Love is so important here I think… and of course all positive things that and behaviors that coexist with love.

It makes sense to me. But of course feel so bad now. Have good and bad thought all time. Love, nostalgia , and disappointment from their culture and the whole situation.