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my Bf of 16 years is being forced to get an arranged marriage

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  • #363848
    Nita
    Participant

    Hi all!! I need serious advice on the matter.

    I will write the long version of my story later in this thread.

    I’ve been with the love of my life for 16 years! In a live-in relationship for 8 years. Have two pets together too which r our babies.

    Just about 4-5 years ago when we decided to marry, his parents started drama saying they won’t allow marriage to me due to my parents not agreeing (my parents are abusive and I left home and moved with my Bf he’s been the only family since). We both took a step back and didn’t bring up the topic again.

    But to make it brief, my situation is very similar to you guys’ except there are some unusual occurrences.  In you guys cases the guy doesn’t want to go against his parents. But in mine, his parents were against it but he fought for me. he was discussing court marriage with me, invited his friends and told them about our plans then all of a sudden within a matter of 3 days after going to his mom’s house turned extremely 180 and ends up meeting an arrange marriage girl for the first time (a girl whom he told me he didn’t like earlier). Since then he’s gotten aggressive strange weird. Right now he’s  threatening me with a legal case.  Remember this is a guy who moved out of his parents house to be with me and changed to extreme level in 3 days ?!?

    I’m trying to talk to him but there is no communication possible. Things are too strange right now. He’s trying to put a restraining order on me.  And it 3 days ago he was discussing our marriage plans and future with his friends and me.

    I’m just not sure what to think or do.

    We aren’t the kind of couple to have many fights. I’m beyond lost in this matter. All I can say is when I went to his parents house to talk to him his mom opened the door and said to go away. I asked her how can he change so fast n she just gave me this evil smile as if she knows she has something to do with this and is happy inside.

    Right now something seems strange.

    I want to add my Bf is Indian. Specifically from Fiji islands. Do u guys know anyone from those places?

    Right now my biggest confusion is what’s going on ??  And how do I talk to him it seems he’s a stone there is zero communication out of nowhere and I’m trying to stop his intentions for the court case but cannot unless I talk to him!! Maybe his mom is behind the court case but I want it dropped but how do I reach him.

    Its getting into a bigger mess. I need help from u guys on how u would manage.

    #363873
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nita:

    “my bf is Indian. Specifically from Fiji islands. Do u guys know anyone from those places?”-

    – I don’t but I looked it up at Wikipedia (entries: “Fiji” and “Indo-Fijians”):  Fiji is located in the South Pacific Ocean. It consists of 332 islands, of which 106 are inhabited by people, and 522 smaller islets. The two biggest islands are Viti Levu and Vanua Levu. The islands are mountainous and covered with thick tropical forests.

    Fiji used to be a British colony (like its neighbors New Zealand and Australia), then won its independence in 1970, and became a Republic in 1987.

    In 1878 Indian people were brought to Fiji from India, first from Calcutta, then from Madras and Bombay, as indentured laborers (similar to slaves) to work  on the sugarcane fields of Fiji. They were brought on sailing ships (a 73 day trip), or steamers (a 30 day trip).

    By 1916, about 61 thousand Indians from were brought to Fiji. The idea was that the Indian workers will work for five years in Fiji and then return to India at their own expense. The great majority chose to stay, many couldn’t afford the trip back. Later, in the 1900s, Indians started arriving in Fiji as free agents (not as indentured laborers). Among them were religious teachers, missionaries and at least one lawyer.

    As a result of the years of Indian indentured labor, similar to slavery, Indian people of different castes lived together, ate together and the caste system ended. Also, there was a shortage of Indian women in Fiji, in the early days, which resulted in many marrying outside their caste.

    Because people from different areas of India were living together, a new language called Fiji Hindi was formed from the different languages and dialects of India. Later the language was further enriched by including many native Fijian words and English words.

    Most of the population in Fiji from 1956- the 1980s were Indo-Fijians, but because of political unrest and discrimination in the 1980s, lots of Indo-Fijians who could afford it,  left Fiji. Currently, Indo-Fijians are no longer the majority, but 40% of the population (almost 60% of the population are native Fijians).

    – did you know any of the above information?

    You shared that your boyfriend and his parents are of Indo-Fijians origin, that his parents were against his relationship with you, but he lived with you for 8 years and considered court marriage with you. Then “all of a sudden”, 3 days after he visited his mother, he met a woman that his mother wants him to marry and he is threatening you with a legal restraining order.

    Did he threaten you with a legal restraining order because you went to his mother’s house one time, when she opened the door to you and told you to go away, and did you refuse to leave her house?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by anita.
    #363907
    Nita
    Participant

    Anita, no, I wrote when He (my bf) went to his mothers house.   I dont go to her house however she did say for me not to go there. There was never any forceful going to his mom’s or aggression in any way. His purpose forgetting it is so I stay away from him and never contact him.

    As I said before, his whole demeanor changed within 3 days it’s sort of unusual and creepy. I also know him for 16 years and he is not anything like this. He’s really kind and doesn’t do anyone wrong.

    I didn’t want the Wiki details on Fiji. I wanted to see if anyone knows about such people to see if this type of behavior seems odd or if parents have this much influence. To be quiet honest, I’m really feeling a 6th sense something doesn’t seem right and I’m not sure what to do given he’s filed and is like a zombie that you cannot do communication with.

    #363920
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nita:

    In your original post you wrote: “when I went to his parents house to talk to him his mom opened the door and said to go away. I asked her how can he change so fast n she just gave me this evil smile”.

    In your second post you wrote: “Anita, no, I wrote when He (my bf) went to his mothers house. I don’t go to her house”-

    – in the first post you wrote that you went to his parents’ house and in the second, you wrote that you didn’t. I don’t understand the contradiction.

    “I didn’t want the Wiki details on Fiji”- I understand. I didn’t think those details can hurt, they were interesting to me. I thought they may be interesting to you, having been in a 16 year relationship with a man from that background.

    “I’m really feeling a 6th sense something doesn’t seem right”- I suppose you are referring to what you wrote in your second thread: “I’m feeling lately someone’s done something to me in terms of voodoo etc.”- I don’t have any experience with voodoo. I remember being in an authentic voodoo store in Venice, California. I don’t happen to believe in voodoo.

    I do hope you feel safer soon.

    anita

     

    #363936
    Nita
    Participant

    Hi Anita.  Ok I reread my post I wrote it very late so forgot. So here’s what happened. I don’t go to his mom’s house in general  he too had moved out and was keeping separate. He ended up going there on his own alone that’s when he suddenly started acting this way.

    You’re right, I did go as I was looking for him after that sudden change. I still don’t think however that it’s because of that because in the time he mentioned it his reasoning was so there would be zero contact.  I do feel his mom is behind it as she’s always telling him to get one against me so she can get him married elsewhere.

    I just don’t get what’s happening here. I’m just thinking he’s not like this.

    But looking at stories on here I’m trying to find similarities on these things regarding arranged marriages.

    For now, I’m in a distorted mindset  not even sure what is going on to even know what to do. Any advice?

    #363944
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nita:

    Mothers are often very powerful in their children’s lives, way into adult ages. Often mothers keep their power over their adult children by guilt tripping them, telling them how hard they worked, how much they sacrificed, and the message to the adult-child is: you owe me! – and this happens in all kinds of ethnic groups and cultures, arranged marriages- or not.

    I don’t know the history of your relationship with your (now ex) boyfriend, his long history with his parents, and your shorter history with his parents. If I knew, I’d have something more specific to tell you than the generality in my first paragraph here.

    Advice: he told you that he wants you to make no contact with him, not on the telephone, not online, not in-person, so don’t make any contact with him. If you had a child with him, or community property or legal matters that need to be settled, then contact through an attorney would be appropriate, but with no such matters- have no contact with him.

    If you want to share with me your history with his parents, and what you know about his history with his parents, his relationship with them before meeting you and after, please do, but only if you want to, only if you think it may help shed some light on what happened, or why it happened.

    anita

    #364067
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Nita, it must be very distressing for you to have this suddenly happen. Everything you thought was normal is now changed. I agree with you that something is very wrong with the boyfriend. I wonder if his mother has a hold over him, like  something to “blackmail” him with or simply telling him he will be cut out of the family forever if he marries you. I don’t have much advice except to acknowledge that this man is tied in some way to his mother and you can’t fix or change it. You may never understand why or how he has changed. I think it is easy for me to say now you have to let go of him but I don’t really see any other choice that makes you the priority. I tend to see people’s behavior for what it really is. Somehow this boyfriend finds it easier to do the arranged marriage and give in to his family demands. Now is the time you protect yourself and look after yourself. I think this man showed you a side of himself that was false. He didn’t marry you because he was not willing to make his family angry. They basically “own” him which is not good for him or for you. Its really tough to love someone who can’t love you back in the way you need him to. I think you will feel huge grief for quite a while. You may feel rejected or bad about  yourself. This is really about the boyfriend’s lack of character. It is not about how you failed in some way. You did not cause this and you can’t fix it. He made a choice to abandon you. This is not a good person in my opinion but he hid his truth from you or you didn’t want to see it. I don’t know if you have counseling in your country or if there are grief groups. This can help you heal. The thing now is you have to protect yourself and put your own needs first right now. Start to widen your friendship circle if you can. Do nice things for yourself. I am so sorry. This sounds like a nightmare. I have known several women who thought they were in good relationships and then the man ups and leaves, but this happens to men also. The partner or spouse just goes on to live another life with another man or woman. It feels like betrayal and rejection and there is often great sorrow, maybe depression, maybe stuck in fixing the man or woman so they come back. It is hard. You will get through this and you deserve better than a false partner. I wish you much healing.

    #371139
    Oleks
    Participant

    Hello,

    I really want to find some support, advices what can I do. And please help me create new topic if I get more answers like that…

    I am so lost now, feel so lonely. And I could see it happens here to many people. But I never could imagined it could happen to me.

    I love a guy from Pakistan. We met while studying in the UK, I am from Ukraine. Almost 8 months we were meeting every day, we had always so good time with each other, understanding, respect, could say everything and support each other, and never said anything bad to each other. First few months he was scared to promise me something. But then he said that he want to be with me. And I really love him and it’s my first time I met such a person. In august I went home to Ukraine. We talked on phone every single day. In December he went home (they live in Saudi Arabia). 2 days ago he heard that his parents were discussing that he’s gonna marry soon as he’s old. And he decided to say about me. He said today. And then he told me he didn’t expect this and he doesn’t have hope anymore. That his mom is against me as I’m not Pakistani. Few hours later he said that actually it all happens as they told his aunt to marry his cousin and all her relatives know about that already. He told her parents he loves me and I’m the best person, but his mom says they know better what he needs, and that his dad did everything to him and he should listen and respect them. If he says no, his dad’s sister will have fight with his family. And they will have fight with him. And they will not accept me. And he said that he doesn’t want me to go through this and said to breakup. And it’s likely that he will marry as he doesn’t want to fight.

    i still can’t believe and can’t accept this. I still hope that I or he can do something and something will change. Though maybe it useless hope which will make me feel worse. And he is not even gonna do anything I think… but how is it like this? I love him and he really loves me. I imagined future with him and thought how good man he is. The best for me. How can he be with cousin who he doesn’t know and doesn’t like? How will he be happy? His mom says he’ll be happy and if with me, he won’t, and that our children would blame us that we chose each other. But how can he listen always to them and even “love” someone they say? I can’t believe this is happening.

    #371156
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Oleks:

    You shared that you are from the Ukraine, that you met a guy from Pakistan while studying in the UK, and had a good eight months relationship, “understanding, respect.. support each other… I really love him and it’s my first time I met such a person”. In August this year you travelled home to the Ukraine, and in December he travelled to Saudi Arabia where his family lives.

    Two days ago, he told you that he heard his parents discussing getting him married (to a cousin), and he decided to tell them about you. When he did, his mother expressed that she was against you because you are not Pakistani, and she said that his family “know better what he needs”, that he will be happy with the cousin and not with you, that he should listen and respect his father, and that if he says no to them, there will be a fight within the family. As a result of all this, he told you that it is better that the two of you break up.

    “I still can’t believe and can’t accept this. I still hope that I or he can do something and something will change… I love him and he really loves me… How can he be with cousin who he doesn’t know and doesn’t like? How will he be happy?.. I can’t believe this is happening”-

    My input: I am sorry that you are in pain, that your heart is broken. It will take time for you to understand and accept what happened, and for your heart to heal. But it will happen. if you are willing.

    You wrote: “First few months he was scared to promise me something”-  he probably knew that his family will object to him getting serious with a woman who is not of his religion/ nationality. His parents probably told him earlier whom they will approve of and whom they will reject.

    “I still hope that I or he can do something and something will change”- not likely. I assume his parents/ family finance him, paying for his studies in the UK, for one. Likely they raised him to obey them from an early age- all this means that they have the power over him,  a power greater than the power of his love for you. They have plans for him (to marry the cousin, and have children with her), and you have plans for him (that he marries you)- but they have the power, therefore their plans for him rule over your plans.

    “How can he be with cousin who he doesn’t know and doesn’t like?”- the same way as many men married their cousins/ arranged wives. Maybe his own father didn’t like the woman he married (your former boyfriend’s mother) but married her anyway. Maybe the aunt did the same- having married a man she didn’t like.

    “How will he be happy?”- happiness is an overrated Western concept, a make-believe state of mind. Contentment is possible, occasional happiness/ joy is possible, but an ongoing state of happiness- I don’t think so.

    If he married you, breaking up with his family- he would have been very unhappy. Breaking up with you made him unhappy. But being broken up with his family would have hurt him more than breaking up with you, this is why he broke up with you and not with them. Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #371181
    Oleks
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. Next morning after this happened I tried to call, he didn’t pick up. So, just texted him that I had some ideas of what could be done as I was thinking for the whole night. And that morning I finally realized I can do nothing and it’s only on him now. I did everything that I could. Now I can only live through this and be well after some time. So, I’m accepting it now, still feel bad but it’s a huge progress already. And good that I tried convincing him as I wouldn’t realize it. That morning he told me he accepted the situation already, so should I. And he said he’s gonna marry that girl. Although he was saying no before so I had hope because of that too, that I can wait. But he told me to not wait. Maybe even now he said he will marry so I just don’t hope. Maybe he still will not. But I think now that he will and I shouldn’t hope at all. I already understood something about that culture and that I knew nothing about that. So now I understand it’s unlikely to change something.

     

    it is sad if he knew but still started this relationship. As he could know much better than me.

    Yes, this is what he told me. He still didn’t start earning and he’s gonna work with his dad. He said they want him to pay off for what they did to him and this is the way and he is accepting it. I personally think that it’s too high price for what they did, as parents do it because they love. In his case they do it to have power, to live his life instead of him. Sadly he will never have choice if it goes like this. Even more sad because his kids will be at the same situation and life of all these people is life of his parents and their decisions.

     

    And i think good friends, family are very important and make people happy. Now he will make family and be near the partner all the time. Love is so important here I think… and of course all positive things that and behaviors that coexist with love.

    It makes sense to me. But of course feel so bad now. Have good and bad thought all time. Love, nostalgia , and disappointment from their culture and the whole situation.

    #371185
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Oleks:

    You are welcome. Healing starts with Accepting Reality and because you are accepting reality, you are on the healing path. Hoping for reality to be different than it is, with little to no basis in reality, keeps people stuck in suffering. So, I agree that you “shouldn’t hope at all” in regard to this man. As time goes on, you will feel better, then sad again, then better.. and over time, you will overcome your sadness about this.

    “it is sad if he knew but still started this relationship”- too often it happens that men from arranged-marriage cultures (India and Pakistan are the top two countries that currently practice arranged marriages) have relationships, sometimes for years, with women that they know they will not marry, while the women hope for marriage all along. It is wise for a woman who considers a relationship with a man from an arranged-marriage culture to find out right away if his parents are likely to approve of her, or not- before investing her time and love.

    You mentioned that he is Pakistani, that you met him and dated him in the UK, and that he may marry his cousin. Here is an interesting statistic from https: // 2 date for love. com/ arranged marriage statistics (no spaces):  “55% of UK couples with Pakistani origins are in cousin marriages”.

    Another website, https: // sekho. com. pk. pakistan/ arranged marriage in pakistan (no spaces) reads: “According to the culture in Pakistan, it is not only the union between husband and wife, (it) is a union of two families… the bride and groom are selected by a third party which is mostly their parents rather than by each other,.. Arrange marriage has been the most important part of Pakistani culture. These marriages are mostly arranged within their community and ethnic group. It can also be within the family which is known as cousin marriage…

    “Arrange marriages is further categorized as semi-arranged marriages and complete arrange marriages. Semi-arranged marriages are in which final decision is of potential bride & groom but in complete arrange marriages is in which final decision is of parents.. A research in 2003 in success ratio of complete arranged marriages, semi-arrange marriages and completely love marriages was conducted. The results showed that the success ratio of completely arrange marriage was 77% and semi-arrange marriage were 89% successful and love marriages are only 60% successful”.

    You wrote: “He said they want him to pay off for what they did to him.. I personally think that it’s too high price for what they did, as parents do it because they love. In his case they do it t have power”- lots of parents are motivated by having power over their children (as minor-age children and as adult-children), and not by love, not only in arranged-marriage cultures.

    But notice, that arranged marriages in Pakistan are more successful than love marriages. I don’t know how that survey defined success, but if success included asking married people if they are satisfied or happy with their arranged marriages- then most people indicated that they are.

    It seems to me that the extended family unit is so important in Pakistan that it is very difficult for an adult person to feel okay when disapproved by the extended family. Therefore, for a man, to be approved by his extended family takes precedence over choosing a wife.

    “Have good and bad thought all time. Love, nostalgia and disappointment from their culture and the whole situation”- like I mentioned above, it will take time for you to overcome the sadness, and it will take time to overcome the disappointment. Learn from your experience best you can so to make better choices for yourself in the future. Feel free to post again anytime.

    anita

     

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