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Losing my boyfriend to an arranged marriage.

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  • #320879
    Ppal
    Participant

    Though I am very late in this thread I’m facing same situation now after 7years of relationship. I was always felt abandoned and compared by my parents and they never loved me like my aunts loved their daughters. They always wanted to have a son and they got. Always they loved him more than me, they always made me my brother’s maid. That’s why I was always in hunt for true love, who will love me so much.

    I had my first relationship at the age of 17. After 3 years I forced to break up because we couldn’t live happily and my over possessiveness made him irritated.

    This break up was not that painful. But I again started to hunt for my love of my life. Then to divert myself I opened Facebook and after 1-2 month I got a friend request from a guy who is my present boyfriend and my love. I took admission in his school in 11-12th. Though we share same classroom but we had different subjects. I was a arts student and he was science student. His friend told me that he likes me but I didn’t pay attention to it as I was already in a relationship and I was always so loyal to partner that I hardly talk to other guys. Before the final board exam of 12th class he suddenly gave me yellow rose to me. But I was so shocked that I rejected him by telling him yo give the flower to another girl. Because I was nervous and I was blanked.

    After that he somehow managed to get my number and message me 2 or 3 times. I was so scared that I told my cousin brother to scold him. After calling him  my cousin brother told me one thing – ” if you’re not in a relationship I will tell you to go with him, he is genuinely good guy!”

     

    When this incident happened we were in 1st of graduation. He already did a good result and admitted to a medical school.

     

    After the accepting the request after sometime he used to message me and i replied him. Then after sometimes I have a feeling that he is falling for me and still i was not interested in him. After felt like that I stopped talking to him because I didn’t want to break his heart again.

    Then after 5 months again I contacted him as a selfish gil for a reason (I still feel guilty for that). Then again we started to talk. I was just graduated from college and he was in his 3rd year of medical college. My parents didn’t wanted me to study further though i scored good marks, they manipulated me to do a arrange marriage. Those time I habe noone but him who consoled me, he was always by my side knowing that he still was not in list. He had done so much for me when my family just ruined my life. Those time his genuine love for me was si cleared to me, made me fall for him, and i had a great thought that who didn’t forget me even after I rejected him in school time and he still remember me and sent me request. After fighting the dilemma if I go with him or not I proposed to him. It was heavenly experience. May be he is the who understands me like no one else.

    1st 3 years was going well but I have a tremendous jealousy and unsecured. That i always behave rude with him whenever he hang out with his friends, because He loves me so much he sacrificed his friends with a heavy heart. I gave him so much pressure that he was frustrated and depressed. I still blame my self for what I have done with him. And this things was annual because his college organise fest and cultural programs in September. And he was culturally amd socially involved into those things, he participated in music competition and eveey year he stood 1st or 2nd. He was not able to give me so much time those 15days because he had rehearsal for pentathlon and music competition. Those time i was feeling so insecured I can’t explain. Due to this insecurity I behave with so badly that god still punishes me, I tortured him mentally, made him disconnect from his friends everything. I wanted to steal his 100% times for me. I literally broke him.

    In 2015 we’re arguing over phone (the reason was why he came back late last night, why he went to cinema hall after a toughest medical exam). And this conversation was heard by his parents and they made the decision to not accept me in future.

    We were experiencing a tough time. I had very harsh to him when I stood beside him because he was going through a tough time for his medical pg preparation and I’ve done the opposite he deserved.

    His result was not came out good, he was depressed but still didn’t stopped talking to me. I was crying eveey day amd night amd prayed to god for our relationship because I knew everything was my fault. After 6-7 months the relationship was going normal. Again after 1 year he he took the admission test and now he succeeded. After that oir relationship started to get better. He told me he will marry me in 2020 after his final exam. I was again so happy. Still the dat I did not know that his parents still hates me. I thought everything is normal now because he was always wirh me, calling, dating, we got so many lovely memories in last 3 years. We had started to dream again about our future.

    I never told my parents about my any relationship but they got to know from my cousins because i told them (it was again a stupid decision of my life).

    He said to me before 1yr of the marriage i can tell my parents. So i was waiting for the day when I can give my parents some relief. Iand this june I have told my mom about the relationship and she was finally happy.

     

    Now I have sent his father a friend request to lessen the awkwardness for meeting the first time. And his father deleted my request. This scared me a lot and I told him to ask his parents if they have any problem with me.

    He asked his parents and they now saying that they’ve not forgive me for what I have done to him in past (I gave him suicidal threats if he doesn’t talk to me). They’re are not going to accept girl with a psychological disorder.

    He is trying his best to convince me that niw I changed my behavior, but they’re not willing to listen to him.

    His final exam is after 3 months and this is too tough because if he didn’t stand 1st he will be sent to village as a normal doctor and his 5 years of study to get a good position as a surgeon in city’s number 1 medical college Will go in vein.

    He is now in verge of mental breakdown because he is again struggling with double sided pressure – loosing me and losing his career.

    I have just a question why his parents didn’t tell him these 3 years to not to progress when they have a genuine hatred for me. He can’t dgo against his parents because they have done so many sacrifices for him, because making a 1st generation doctor from a middle class family is not easy. He has som much debt to his parents and that’s why he still tries to convince them. But I know there is no chance to get him back.  “karma” hit me way more harder than I thought. God is punishing me in every way possible, my all prayers go in vain.

    I told my mom about the incident and she is now busy to brain washing me and tries to make do arrange marriage.

    He is also saying that he has ruined my life and don’t want to ruin further. He is saying he always loves me, because before i propose he never forget about me. But he’s telling me why should i ruin my life for him.

    It teared me into pieces. My life is again doom and dark like before. He was a angel of my life, gave me his vital years, his unconditional love, never harsh to me though I was harsh to him, never stopped loving me, he was a light in dark days I can’t forget how much he has done for me, everyday he listened to same depressing words with patience and he tirelessly tried to console in my past dark days.

    God is not going to forgive me for my sins. I think I am going to lose him, I always wanted to get someone like exactly like. I think I don’t deserve him, he is so good guy he deserves lot better than me. I am unemployed, depressed, quarrel prone, don’t have any good sides nothing. And he has a good carrer throughout his life, he is trained classical singer, he is good at everything. God has better plan for him I think, that’s god now snatched him from me.

    I am waiting for death, because then I can forget him!

    Please pray for me! I don’t want to lose him!

     

    #320881
    Ppal
    Participant

    Though I am very late in this thread I’m facing same situation now after 7years of relationship. I was always felt abandoned and compared by my parents and they never loved me like my aunts loved their daughters. They always wanted to have a son and they got. Always they loved him more than me, they always made me my brother’s maid. That’s why I was always in hunt for true love, who will love me so much.

    I had my first relationship at the age of 17. After 3 years I forced to break up because we couldn’t live happily and my over possessiveness made him irritated.

    This break up was not that painful. But I again started to hunt for my love of my life. Then to divert myself I opened Facebook and after 1-2 month I got a friend request from a guy who is my present boyfriend and my love. I took admission in his school in 11-12th. Though we share same classroom but we had different subjects. I was a arts student and he was science student. His friend told me that he likes me but I didn’t pay attention to it as I was already in a relationship and I was always so loyal to partner that I hardly talk to other guys. Before the final board exam of 12th class he suddenly gave me yellow rose to me. But I was so shocked that I rejected him by telling him yo give the flower to another girl. Because I was nervous and I was blanked.

    After that he somehow managed to get my number and message me 2 or 3 times. I was so scared that I told my cousin brother to scold him. After calling him  my cousin brother told me one thing – ” if you’re not in a relationship I will tell you to go with him, he is genuinely good guy!”

    When this incident happened we were in 1st of graduation. He already did a good result and admitted to a medical school.

    After the accepting the request after sometime he used to message me and i replied him. Then after sometimes I have a feeling that he is falling for me and still i was not interested in him. After felt like that I stopped talking to him because I didn’t want to break his heart again.

    Then after 5 months again I contacted him as a selfish gil for a reason (I still feel guilty for that). Then again we started to talk. I was just graduated from college and he was in his 3rd year of medical college. My parents didn’t wanted me to study further though i scored good marks, they manipulated me to do a arrange marriage. Those time I habe noone but him who consoled me, he was always by my side knowing that he still was not in list. He had done so much for me when my family just ruined my life. Those time his genuine love for me was si cleared to me, made me fall for him, and i had a great thought that who didn’t forget me even after I rejected him in school time and he still remember me and sent me request. After fighting the dilemma if I go with him or not I proposed to him. It was heavenly experience. May be he is the who understands me like no one else.

    1st 3 years was going well but I have a tremendous jealousy and unsecured. That i always behave rude with him whenever he hang out with his friends, because He loves me so much he sacrificed his friends with a heavy heart. I gave him so much pressure that he was frustrated and depressed. I still blame my self for what I have done with him. And this things was annual because his college organise fest and cultural programs in September. And he was culturally amd socially involved into those things, he participated in music competition and eveey year he stood 1st or 2nd. He was not able to give me so much time those 15days because he had rehearsal for pentathlon and music competition. Those time i was feeling so insecured I can’t explain. Due to this insecurity I behave with so badly that god still punishes me, I tortured him mentally, made him disconnect from his friends everything. I wanted to steal his 100% times for me. I literally broke him.

    In 2015 we’re arguing over phone (the reason was why he came back late last night, why he went to cinema hall after a toughest medical exam). And this conversation was heard by his parents and they made the decision to not accept me in future.

    We were experiencing a tough time. I had very harsh to him when I stood beside him because he was going through a tough time for his medical pg preparation and I’ve done the opposite he deserved.

    His result was not came out good, he was depressed but still didn’t stopped talking to me. I was crying eveey day amd night amd prayed to god for our relationship because I knew everything was my fault. After 6-7 months the relationship was going normal. Again after 1 year he he took the admission test and now he succeeded. After that oir relationship started to get better. He told me he will marry me in 2020 after his final exam. I was again so happy. Still the dat I did not know that his parents still hates me. I thought everything is normal now because he was always wirh me, calling, dating, we got so many lovely memories in last 3 years. We had started to dream again about our future.

    I never told my parents about my any relationship but they got to know from my cousins because i told them (it was again a stupid decision of my life).

    He said to me before 1yr of the marriage i can tell my parents. So i was waiting for the day when I can give my parents some relief. Iand this june I have told my mom about the relationship and she was finally happy.

    Now I have sent his father a friend request to lessen the awkwardness for meeting the first time. And his father deleted my request. This scared me a lot and I told him to ask his parents if they have any problem with me.

    He asked his parents and they now saying that they’ve not forgive me for what I have done to him in past (I gave him suicidal threats if he doesn’t talk to me). They’re are not going to accept girl with a psychological disorder.

    He is trying his best to convince me that niw I changed my behavior, but they’re not willing to listen to him.

    His final exam is after 3 months and this is too tough because if he didn’t stand 1st he will be sent to village as a normal doctor and his 5 years of study to get a good position as a surgeon in city’s number 1 medical college Will go in vein.

    He is now in verge of mental breakdown because he is again struggling with double sided pressure – loosing me and losing his career.

    I have just a question why his parents didn’t tell him these 3 years to not to progress when they have a genuine hatred for me. He can’t dgo against his parents because they have done so many sacrifices for him, because making a 1st generation doctor from a middle class family is not easy. He has som much debt to his parents and that’s why he still tries to convince them. But I know there is no chance to get him back.  “karma” hit me way more harder than I thought. God is punishing me in every way possible, my all prayers go in vain.

    I told my mom about the incident and she is now busy to brain washing me and tries to make do arrange marriage.

    He is also saying that he has ruined my life and don’t want to ruin further. He is saying he always loves me, because before i propose he never forget about me. But he’s telling me why should i ruin my life for him.

    It teared me into pieces. My life is again doom and dark like before. He was a angel of my life, gave me his vital years, his unconditional love, never harsh to me though I was harsh to him, never stopped loving me, he was a light in dark days I can’t forget how much he has done for me, everyday he listened to same depressing words with patience and he tirelessly tried to console in my past dark days.

    God is not going to forgive me for my sins. I think I am going to lose him, I always wanted to get someone like exactly like. I think I don’t deserve him, he is so good guy he deserves lot better than me. I am unemployed, depressed, quarrel prone, don’t have any good sides nothing. And he has a good carrer throughout his life, he is trained classical singer, he is good at everything. God has better plan for him I think, that’s god now snatched him from me.

    I am waiting for death, because then I can forget him!

    Please pray for me! I don’t want to lose him!

     

    #338154
    jane
    Participant

    hi, i really register here just for looking some good thoughts on how you moved on after you and your bofriend broke up. i was  also in your shoe now, my indian boyfriend has been in arranged marriage, i just caught him after he went back to his hometown for some matter and when he come back to work i really felt different that theirs something bother to him that he cant tell me. we’re both foreign and working in a same country but we’re diffent nationality. i loved him as i felt that his my lifetime because we have so many similarities and we enjoy a lot together. we have problems but we we’re able to handle it. i confront him and fought him like i was so down and im helpless. i was devastated with my 1st past relationship but i didnt thought this will be the worst. im so angry with their culture, family, tradition and everything but theirs still other side of me that is saying its okay, that i will still have the best for me in the future but i cant help myself to not feel any pain and feel so lonely everytime i think all our memories and everything we have together.

    #343560
    Winny Mae
    Participant

    Hi ! Currently i am in a relationship with an Indian man. We just met on a dating app. He was very frank though that he is not going to marry me as he is into arranged marriage. At first i was like “What ? ” I thought it was a joke but it was his truth. On our first month, nothing serious going around , we were just having a good time. He was very consistent on calling me from work, chatting and vcall everyday. We would sleep late. Suddenly on our second month together, i felt that i was falling for him like i miss him when he replies late because of work and all, i told him we should stop this relationship coz it wasnt right and it will hurt me in the end coz i know he cant be with me. I blocked him plenty of times but he calls from work, office number ?? on my mobile ?? and i was just to inlove to reject the call. The relationship went on despite the truth that he cant marry me , on our third month, he was always telling me to help him find work in my area so he could transfer and be with me. I was shocked . I just said i’ll help. I wondered why this days he was so eager to work away from home . Then he confessed that his parents are forcing him to sign up in A matrimonial site so he could find his bride + kundali match. I didnt know what to feel after he told me that. And i just said ” okay ! Will be supporting you all throughout your wedding day.” But when the reality sank in , i felt the pain . I didnt knew it would pain this way even though the relationship was just new. Everyday we were saying our i love yous , staying up late , so much late coz according to him , he only have limited time left. I will just laugh when he will tell me that but deep down it hurts. Today, i asked him should i let him go coz he will be very busy in finding his bride, he said ” dont leave me even i cant marry you, i will still love you irregardless of my marriage .” ? I dont know what to feel anymore or what to do. ? I was a secret though, no one knows about me in his family, but i introduced him to my family and friends. I know i will be hurt in the end but i i dont know how to stop either. I always tell him to be happy in his marriage and be a good husband and all. ?? I am wishing him well despite my heart being shattered. We agreed that i will attend on his wedding . It will hurt soo soo soo much. Help ?

    #346354
    Wesley
    Participant

    Hi All

    Just found this forum and topic, I’ve just been through this process with an Indian girl and is now in an arranged marriage, so nky this week she’s still telling me she is still in love with me and wants Me, I’m her soul mate, yet is still going ahead with her arranged marriage, just wondering if anyone wants to talk about their experience or mine   and share the feelings ??

    #359813
    Sunshine
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    Was looking for ways to move on from a breakup due to arranged marriage and I found this forum. I know we are still in the middle of a pandemic crisis and crying over a guy feels a bit selfish at this point. But it’s too much pain and I just want to let it all out.

     

    I have read all your stories, from the first post of this forum to the latest one. Some of you have already written what it is that I am already thinking. It’s crazy how Indian parents tell their children they love them but not letting the latter be happy with their own love lives.

    I have started dating my Indian boyfriend last May 2019. I was pretty honest with him even in the beginning. Telling him that I’ve heard stories about the whole arrange marriage stuff and if he wants to pursue me, will his parents accept me? He would say that he doesn’t want to think that far but what he knows at that time is he likes me a lot. And somehow I agreed too because my experience in my previous relationship before him was bad and I got a bit tired of being serious in a relationship. So I thought, why not take things slow?

    But he wasn’t take things slow! He was sweet, he was showing me how much he loves me, he was the guy I was looking for all along. He even cried in front of me a lot of times every time I talked about a future where there is no us. On our 2nd – 3rd month, I would tell him that I wasn’t sure about my parents if they’re gonna accept me dating an Indian and I asked what he’s gonna do if my dad and mom told him to leave me. And he responded, “I’m not gonna give up that easily, baby.”

     

    We were so happy and crazy about each other. He even asked me to live in with him but I said I couldn’t lie to my parents about that and they must meet him first. (Oh, I forgot to mention, none of our families are in the country we are currently staying. We are both on Work Visas.) On our 5th month, his boss asked him to work in his new branch in another city that it’s 2.5 hours away from us. Ever since, we were on LDR but I would visit him at least once or twice a month! We were too attached. We were even talking about where we would get married and where our honeymoon is gonna be.

    Last New Year’s Eve, he came home to celebrate it with me. And on the first 5 days of the year, he was with me. He even gave me a beautiful necklace! I clearly remember telling him one night that not only have I welcomed the 2020 year with him, but I have welcomed this new decade with him, and I hope that I would never have to meet someone new because I would spend my life with him.

     

    Then he went back to work again. And on the 2nd week of January 2020, he got really sick and has no one there to take care of him and I just came home from work and asked my supervisor if I could get a leave the next day as I need to be there for him. And after my supervisor approved, I caught the last bus trip that night and went to him. When he first saw me, he hugged me so tight. I didn’t even care if I’ll catch his fever. I was there for two nights, making sure he was fine.

     

    Then the time came. He was telling me that his parents were happy that someone was taking care of him and he kept telling me to get ready cause he will finally introduce me to his parents through video call. I was nervous but also kept waiting for the call, it didn’t come. While he was resting and sleeping, I grabbed his phone to check his conversation with parents. Obviously, I couldn’t understand their language but what got me the attention was he wasn’t replying to them at all. I was confused. But I didn’t think it was a big deal. When he woke up next day, I told him that he should reply to his parents cause they seem really worried.

     

    On the day that I need to go back to my place, while waiting for the scheduled time for the bus trip, we were sitting in his bedroom and finally he said, “I need to tell you something.” Those words. Still haunt me to this day. He said, “My parents are mad at me. They don’t want us to keep on dating.” And I laughed at first, telling him to stop joking around. But he was serious and tears started to fall from his eyes. And shit. I started crying because the way he was telling me meant one thing, he needs to leave me. So I asked, “So, you’re gonna leave me?” And he said that he wasn’t going to but he also didn’t know what to think anymore because his parents were hurt. And I felt bad because I didn’t want him to lose his parents. That moment was just chaotic. I was running away and he was chasing me, hugging me tight, saying sorry, and it was just filled with heartbreaking cries from the both of us. Until I had to take the bus and he said he’s gonna think of something and telling me to stop crying.

     

    But I guess that was the last time we were in a happy relationship together where we didn’t have to think of leaving each other. When I came back, everytime we video called each other at night, we just fought and cried. After two nights, he finally told me to let him go and that he’s an asshole and I don’t deserve him, because he couldn’t fight for me. He loves his parents too much that the thought of losing them kills him. To be honest, I admired him for that. Cause I love my parents, too. And I am too close with my family, so to see him being a family-oriented guy made me even love him more. The only difference is, my parents, no matter how much they won’t like a person, they would never hate me for choosing someone I love. And I tried to explain him that his parents will never hate him too. But he said that I do not understand how Indian parents think. They are still living in the past. And I said, “Well you already know this would happen, why did you still pursue me?” He said that he thought things could change and he also told me that everything is his fault and he said I should be mad at him. If he’s not gonna hurt his parents, then it’s me who he’s gonna hurt. And he just felt bad, saying that I might think he only used me. We were both crying. And that’s why I just felt worse cause I could feel his love for me. But we ended it that night. I don’t even remember how I slept.

     
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>The next day I went to work and my eyes were just swollen. All I could think of was him. And then suddenly he sent me a message. It wasn’t that long but it included “Remember Jesus loves you. You are His favourite. And you are mine.” And fuck, I cried even more. I hated the fact that we broke up when we clearly still had feelings for him. So I started sending him messages and calling him but he was mad and he said that he needs to move on and it will be hard if we keep on doing the usual things and that the only reason why he still sent me that message cause he wanted me to know that he thinks of me but that doesn’t mean we have to go back to always talking to each other.</p>
     

    But I didn’t listen. On the last days of January, I went to visit him again without letting him know I was gonna come. And he was in shock. I told him to let me celebrate his birthday with him (3 Feb) before I start on my new job. And yeah, we pretended like nothing was wrong. On the 3rd day, I finally talked to him about it again, maybe he would change his mind, but no matter what I said, it didn’t work. And he made me understand the culture. And I had no choice but to respect it. But I also asked him if he could give me more time with him. I just wanted to make our relationship reach a year. Because he’s not gonna get married anytime soon yet. His parents still haven’t found any girl for him.  And he agreed and told me that he would give his 100% while we are still together and said that he also needed the time since he’s not yet ready to leave me. But asked me to promise him that when the time comes, I wouldn’t make it hard for him. And I promised.

    Maybe that decision was wrong. We are now heading to July. And we have gotten closer than ever. During lockdown, all we do was talk to each other virtually. And on May this year, we celebrated our anniversary and we were just too in love. He even said how thankful he was of me that I accepted him no matter how hard it was.

     

    These past few days, I think he is starting to realise that what we are doing is not right. And he’s trying to become rude at me. And I have been getting mad at him all the time. And he wouldn’t say sorry. I asked him yesterday, “Have they found someone already, is that why?” But he said they haven’t. It’s just that he promised to give me time til we reach one year and that time is over. We need to start moving on. He was about to break up with me last night but I was palpitating from all the crying and he said, “Okay, I’m sorry. We’re good. Just sleep. Good night. I love you.” But I know the time is almost here. I couldn’t sleep. I felt bad for using my tears as a weapon, for treating him like a prisoner, like he can’t leave me at all.

    Which is why I found this forum. I wish I had seen this a long time ago, maybe I could have distanced myself from him in the beginning. I have to admit, the reason why I asked him for time is because I thought maybe I could changed his mind. But after reading all these, I don’t think I could ever do.

     

    I pray and hope that sooner all Indian parents will stop forcing their kids to get married to someone if their kids don’t want to. I know I could never understand what their culture is but what I do know is love, no matter what race or culture or nationality or religion, love is the same. I pray that people will finally learn to let other people love whomever they want.

     

    And to everyone experiencing the same, I hope I could meet each and everyone of you just to give comfort to each other. How we have experienced this sort of love is cruel and unimaginably horrible. I hope we can all find the strength to carry on.

    Much love,

    Sunshine x Moonlight

    #359844
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunshine:

    I read your story slowly and attentively. This is my input: I learned from communicating with members in the course of the last five years on the topic of arranged marriages (various threads), the following: many adult sons who obey their parents’ orders to not marry who they love, adjust best they can to their parents’ orders in these two ways:

    1. Many date who they want to date for as long as they can, knowing marriage will not take place and that they will marry someone else. They enjoy dating who they want to date for as long as they can, knowing early on, or the whole time, that the experience is time-limited.

    2. Many marry who their parents want them to marry while continuing post marriage, their relationship with the woman they dated earlier, and so, they satisfy their parents’ orders while satisfying their love needs on the side.

    Many date different women while being married, for the same reason: satisfy their parents’ orders and their own needs, a compromise of sorts.

    – The story you told is not of a man in love who met tragedy: his parents’ denying him from marrying the woman he loves. It is a story of a man who knew early on, if not all along, that his love story was time-limited (or that it may continue on the side while he is married to another woman).

    All long, you  hoped that he will change his mind or fight for you, but I don’t think it was a consideration, in his mind, to refuse his parents or try to convince them to accept you.

    Do you think I understand your story correctly, in the cultural context?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
    #359902
    Sunshine
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thank you for your reply and for reading. I didn’t realise when I sent it that it was actually a lengthy post. I apologise for that.

     

    Yes, I was hoping that he would change his mind if we could spend more time with each other EVEN IF that, ever since he told me, I could feel all along that he wasn’t considering it at all. That’s why I feel so stupid for fighting for someone who’s not even fighting for me. But actually on the day he first told me that, he did say this, (which I forgot to include it on my original post) that his parents already knew about us since November 2019. He told them during his sister’s wedding because he wanted them to know that he’s already taken and there’s no point in finding a girl for him. And since then, he was on a fight with his parents til December and early January. Which explained why he wasn’t replying to his parents’ messages that much when I checked his phone. But even after he told me that, I kept telling him that he doesn’t even love me cause he’s not considering it. All he could say, “You don’t know what happened. So think whatever you want to think.” So I stopped telling him that.

     

    My point is, I like to think that in the beginning he did fight for me. But not enough. We are still together and talking. But ever since I read this forum, it’s the first time I totally lost hope and finally accepted that we are never gonna end up together, which is why it hurts even more now cause I know I have to leave really really soon.

     

    But hey, thank you for the insights! Those two points are interesting and helpful for future use. Haha. I promise I will stay away from people like them.

     

    Sincerely,

    Sunshine

    #359904
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunshine:

    You are welcome. Your first post wasn’t too long.

    “He told them during his sister’s wedding because he wanted them to know that he’s already taken and there’s no point in finding a girl for him”-

    – if these are his words, that he wanted them to know that he’s already taken (vs. he asked them if it’s okay with them that he will marry you), then he presented the situation to you as if he was the one to determine his life, telling his parents how it is.

    “I like to think that in the beginning he did fight for me. But not enough”- he could have just told them: I want you to know that I am already taken and follow these words with a solid resolution. No reason to fight them: if they argue, threaten, whatever, he says: call me when you are calm, the topic is not negotiable, I am marrying this woman, and hangs up. If they end the relationship with him, it would be their choice, not his. There wouldn’t be a fight because it takes two parties to fight.

    About you hoping that he will change his mind: like I wrote to another woman in a similar situation to yours: because his parents choose for him, it would be their minds that you would need to change, not his. If you created a direct contact with his parents (or with his dominant parent, the one making the choices on the matter), and offered them a large sum of money, I bet it would have resulted in them changing their minds.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
    #360098
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Sunshine,

    I am so sorry to hear what you had to experience, it is certainly not fair to you. I am recovering from a very recent break up in a similar situation as yours, of course, our stories are not identical but he also could not choose his parents over me. He never told them about me so we had many arguments over it and eventually when he did they just did not accept. In my case, our religion and caste were also the same and the mere reason for unacceptance was because his mom did not “choose” me. He used to tell me it would never be a problem but I guess sometimes actions speak louder than words so no matter what a person says it is the action that I have learned to believe.

    Sunshine, all I want to say is that even though it might be hard to believe right now you are lucky for what happened. Every day I say this because I come from a similar background as your boyfriend, arranged marriages take place in which the two individuals are not happy or a guy will fight his parents and marry you only to have your life later become miserable and controlled by his parents. It is so good that you have found out now rather than much later, and remember because of his childhood environment, the engraining of obeying his parents by marrying their choice is something that is so deeply embedded that we can never change, and frankly, it is not our problem to, we can be far more productive doing other things.

    I understand it is hard to leave your parents for someone but a wise person like your boyfriend should then know his limits to start with. I have seen good situations too where a guy will fight and overtime his parents do give in but again there is no point living in such fantasies as his actions at the moment speak otherwise. It may feel like you have lost a diamond but trust me you have saved yourself. I empathize with his future wife and hope his family does not treat her miserably because she will end up going into the chaos you have freed yourself from. We all like to think love triumphs all, that is true but these family traditions do wear the love of couples down and tear it apart until there is nothing but compromise and hatred left. I have seen this from experience.

    This is only my advice and of course, I do not know everything about your relationship so I do not mean to pass on any negative judgments about your boyfriend, maybe he was genuinely a good guy but the point is I strongly believe you will only feel more hurt if you do not move on. Take the time you need to heal but surround yourself with better things and people that truly care about you. I have a strong support system which is a blessing, and I turn to Ted Talks and these forums for more comfort. The pain is still there but it slowly passes because I try to remind myself that my boyfriend ended our relationship for things beyond my control and that is enough reason for me to move on.

    #360099
    Noor
    Participant

    “so deeply embedded that we can never change it

    #360447
    Sunshine
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Noor,

    Thank you!

    I do wish I could have just made a direct contact with them in the beginning. Maybe things will be different? I do not know.

    I actually want to stress out this point that I don’t think his parents are bad people. The way my boyfriend talks about them and how much they suffered a lot for him and what they taught him about life makes me glad he was raised by decent people.

    I forgot to mention some other things. One of the other reasons why they want us to break up is according to them, if we will get married, then I have to go with him to India in the future and stay there. Would I really want that? Because I left my home country to settle in this beautiful first world country, only to end up back again in a third world country? And they actually have a point. They don’t want to ruin my future.

    Which is why I could never hate his parents. All I wish is to have an understanding about the culture and the traditions.

    I am now with my boyfriend again. And I checked his phone, his mom sent him three pictures of a lady. I knew what it meant. I didn’t even know what to say to him, I just said I need some fresh air. Here I am, sitting on a bench, thinking should I do the right thing now and just end this once and for all?

    Love sucks.

     

    Sincerely,

    Sunshine

    #360459
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Sunshine,

    You may have just posted your last response as a way to vent so please do not feel as if you have to reply or even read my post. However, in case you do, my only sincere advice to you is to walk away while you can before it continues further and you are even more devastated. As per your response, it is clear that because of his family/cultural traditions there is no long term or marriage in this relationship and if that is something you hope for in your own future, then it might be better to move on and start your healing process. I know it is extremely hard especially because your life is so used to him but sometimes making the harder choice is better for a mentally happier future you.

    If this form of love sucks then it is not the love you deserve.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    #360475
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunshine:

    You are welcome. “One of the other reasons why they want us to break up is .. if we will get married, then I have to go with him to India in the future and stay there… I left my home country to settle in this beautiful first world country, only to end up back again in a third world country? And they actually have a point”-

    – this is a piece of information that changes my thinking about your situation. I didn’t know that if you married him, it would mean that you will be living in a country where you don’t want to live. This would have been an enormous sacrifice for you to have made. If that happened, maybe you could become disenchanted, regretful and resentful. And if you (you and him as a married couple) were to live with his parents, his parents wouldn’t be happy seeing their son’s wife unhappy and resentful.

    I am guessing that his parents’ concern was about not wanting their son to be married to a non-Indian, and a woman from a first world country who  is more likely to be unhappy living in a third world  country.

    “I am now with my boyfriend again. And I checked his phone, his mom sent him three pictures of a lady”- does he know that you checked his phone, and do you check his phone whenever it is possible for you to check it?

    anita

     

    #360470
    Lisa
    Participant

    I’m going through this now. I have people telling me that it was inevitable and I shouldn’t be surprised. I have always avoided relationships because I feared getting hurt by the other person. This pain is worse because he didn’t cause it, his culture and family is something he cannot dismiss. We decided to end it because it will only get worse but decided to remain friends. I don’t know how I will do this because I love him so much. I’ve been crying all week, speaking to friends and family who are trying their best but they’re waiting for me to get over it. It was only ten months but we were in such a great place, such a great great place. It hurts thinking what could have been. COVID messed up so many couples and yet already being long distance  we were strong and handled it well. I want to speak to him but I’m told it’s better to not call or text. How long does this pain last?

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