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Losing my boyfriend to an arranged marriage.

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  • #188777
    Michelle
    Participant

    Cherisse – I am late to this thread but your comments inspired me to sign up for an account here just to comment (and hopefully connect with you).

    Your story is so, so similar to mine and it felt good to read about someone else’s experience with this atrocity. I do agree that it is betrayal and that it is irresponsible. I have read on other sites about women wanting to commit suicide because of this. That enrages me because I don’t believe there is any remorse on the part of the perpetrator. The more rational part of me doesn’t want to paint the entire country with a negative brush but it is hard not to. This culture both fascinates me and repulses me. I hate to say that, but I need to be honest and depict the depth of how my own situation has hurt me.

    I was with my Indian “boyfriend” for almost two years. At first he wanted it to just be casual, telling me he had no time to be in a relationship (it was true that he worked a lot as his parents expected him to send money back home to them). Then the excuses became “I need to establish myself before being a relationship”. Yes, at this point I should have run but I had recently gone through a very traumatic life event and his company meant so much to me that it clouded my judgement.

    Anyway, he went to India for his brother’s wedding and when he came back, he changed. He seemed to want a relationship. He asked me to marry him (four times). Our conversations became so much deeper. I was really falling in love and he did express this to me too. Until I did some snooping online one day and discovered a Shaadi.com profile he had. I waited to confront him for a bit. Thought it may have been old. Then when I saw activity on it, I brought it up. He became a completely different person, telling me he never had feelings for me and that I shouldn’t be upset with him because I “sleep with a lot of men” (which I don’t). After telling me that he flirts with a lot of girls in a similar manner, he then changed his tune to “I come from a good family” and “I need you to believe I am a good person”, pleading for my forgiveness. It was the most bizarre three hours of my life, like a manic episode. I just sat silent, let him leave and then ceased contact. He ended up flying back to India and getting married two months later. I don’t know how fast it was arranged but this will always bother me. That I may have been with someone already committed to someone else. The feeling disgusts me. It also disgusts me to think that someone could have been with me for two years and then marry someone else at the drop of a hat. Being with an Indian is not good for one’s self esteem.

    I have much, much more to tell but … I will let someone contact me personally if they want more of my truth. All I can say to anyone reading this, as you are probably in the same situation, is run. RUN. RUN. RUN. These men will only hurt you. If you wish to stay, then demand to know what the future holds and, if possible, meet family. Do not lose your heart to an Indian. They do not view love in the same way as we do.

    #193493
    Mellow
    Participant

    It’s happening to me now, but he gets to choose her. I have a feeling he lied about many things, he seemed like a liar in the relationship and what gives me anxiety is what he was and wasn’t being honest about. During our break he was hanging out with her as  a”friend” while he said he would come back to me. He either knew in advance his parents would say no and tried to move on or it happened more sudden and he didnt try that hard to convince them. He said he didnt want to make a scene and so forth and have things go wrong..mentioned he is slowly trying to convince them..while at the same time saying he kissed the girl and this is what he will do etc…and says he wants this..then says he hopes so etc. He seems he is convincing himself of it…either way I don’t know what to believe or what not to anymore. I’ll miss what I thought we had pretty badly and our connection was so intricate and specific and just out of this world, he agreed and was continually surprised by it too. I don’t know, I feel like it’s one big nightmare but I think it’s because it’s mixed in with him lying to me about things and me feeling gas lit by half of it. You start thinking of things that happened in the relationship and start wondering what each time was and what wasn’t real and drive yourself crazy. He had a marriage site too as an app claiming he liked it because his friend runs it..which did check out but it still makes me wonder. It gives me panic attacks to think about what he was being honest or lieing about because it takes away from what he had and confuses me. Even if a majority of what we had was real..the way he treated me in the end was bad whether forced by parents or not..he couldve told me rather than leading me on while he tested things otherwise behind my back and dragging his feet. I almost feel he might have never followed through anyways whether his parents were involved or not if he can be so easily convinced and not want to make a scene…I think the reason what he says doesn’t add up or make sense is because he is confused himself genuinely on what to do mixed with trying to accept his new reality and adding his lies, misleading me and so forth. Even if his parents weren’t an issue, I saw his true colors and his erratic behavior on it’s own..the stress of this just showed me how bad his emotional maturity is and how selfish he behaves when he doesn’t get his way or when things become too hard for him…I used to think he was completely sweet and supportive and loving but now I see that there were lies thrown in, even about other things. Idk what to think anymore. Im starting counseling soon to help me move on. Part of me wanted to ask him more why questions on top of what I did but if he really cared he wouldve told me while this was all going on rather than leave me waiting for him, he wouldve been honest, he wouldve fought his parents harder or delayed things more, he wouldnt have tried getting to know her while I was waiting etc. whether she was an easy rebound after us turned into a possibility or not. He said he wants to marry me and told his parents and if there was no pressure he would’ve but we don’t know that …he was already hanging out with her alone..friends or not if he knew there were feelings, he lied to me. I need to realize it for what it is and stop trying to make excuses for his behavior and deception as just him being forced etc. Before all of this happened, I had trouble trusting him consistently, because 90% of the time he was honest but that 10% was REALLY stuff that never added up and it was between him pretending its the truth or immediately admitting it based on his mood that day and what he felt like putting up with. I don’t think this is completely just his upbringing like he says, I feel he is just lazy and weak not to be mean..especially emotionally and more so in a selfish way, not just because he couldn’t help it like I thought. I don’t know. Im conflicted, confused and so many other emotions. After I sought him out , while he stopped reaching out and so forth, he finally told me 2 days ago..its horrible how long he may have let it drag. Who knows. Whether it be that he hung out with that girl or whether it was this whole marriage b.s. I hope one day I will fully heal and forget the pain he has caused me. He seems to be dragging his feet to let me go, which is endearing but I can’t see him the same way anymore because I don’t trust him at all.

    #193495
    Mellow
    Participant

    Michelle this happened to me 2 days ago and I’m in much pain. Can we talk? I think it may help us both tremendously. I feel like losing my mind.

    #196441
    NYGirl
    Participant

    My story is not that different. My ex boyfriend was turkish. He Came here at the age of 8. Went to middle, high school here in NY. We met, he introduced me to his mother and then his father, brothers and sisters. I’d have dinner with his family, help his mom clean the table, wash the dishes. On mother’s day I would be the one to tell him we should do something special for her and take her out to dinner. She even cried and hugged me so tight that day. His mom and dad would always say really nice things about me to their friends and family members. They would ask me to help them explain certain mail etc. I was always very polite and respectful as I was taught to always be. Especially to his parents since I was in love with him and wanted to be accepted. And I thought I was. Anyways about me & him. It’s hard to tell what was real or not or if any of it was ever even real. (This is how I thought things were going) we met. We fell so I love with each other & couldn’t get enough of each other. He would always want to be with me and I did too. We would loose so much sleep because we would stay up all night laughing, talking, we were in love. After or with in the first year we started having problems. I left him a few times. Because I was hurt. I just wanted him to love me right or leave me alone. We went through so much but that connection I felt every time we were together had me hooked. I was so in love with him. When I am with him there is literally no other place I rather be. And he would tell me the most beautiful things and the way he would look at me and the emotions he showed, just everything made me believe that he really did love me. The fact he would always take me out to dinner, open the doors for me, buy me flowers, introduced me to his family, there’s so much more but I’m just too emotionally tiered to type it. We were higher for 4 years. Towards the end I just felt him even more different. It’s like he loved me yet treated me at times like he hated me. Especially when he couldn’t get what he wanted. Which was usually me leaving for my own mental health and him trying to come back. He would send me all these crazy text like you better answer or you’ll regret it. I’ll drive my self into a tree. His mother is in the hospital and has cancer. He will beat any guy up he see near me. He would pop up out of no where at my college (mind you I never even told him I would be going back to school) he was threaten me saying he will come to my apt late at night and make a scene.  he made a huge scene at the nursing home I was working at. After that I got back with him. I think bc sometimes it was easier to be on his good side then have to deal with this side of him. It was draining. The other part was bc I was still in love with him. Just wish I wasn’t bc he does things that hurts me and I wished he would just love me the right way and Be a good man to me. The man he promised me he would be. Anyways towards the end his older brother called me. And told me that A**** was engaged. I was shocked. I was in shock. Later that day he came to my apartment and I told him what his brother said. He denied the whole thing and then he finally admitted he was but it was his parents making him do this. That he doesn’t want to. He started yelling and crying and told me that he hasn’t made any moves to move the relationship forward since him and his fam came back from their trip to turkey and that he loves me and that it was my fault why didn’t I stop him from going blah blah blah. I never doubted what was happening was real and that he was probably bullshitting me. But I guess the one thing I did believe was that he did love me. And I guess I just though he would have had a little more heart for me then to lie to me like this. So again. Back and forth. He finally got me to calm down and to believe in him. That he “will fix this”. His birthday was around the corner and he said he wanted nothing but to spend it with me. And we did. Right before we fell asleep together he looked at me in this way that I guess I should of known then…bc he didn’t say it in a mushy happy I love u way.. this time he just looked serious. he said that this is what he wanted and that he was glad he spent his birthday with me. I told him how much I loved him and believed in us. We kissed good night and fell asleep. In the morning my phone was ringing. It was his brother calling me looking for him. He told me not to answer. I said i wouldn’t. But that just ruined everything. Once again. I knew he was hiding something. He left and his older brother called me again and I answered. He spoke to me and asked if I have seen his brother. I said no at first. And then told him that he was with me last night for his birthday. And then his brother called me stupid. He said A**** is getting married and he’s just trying to save me from my last heart break. That bc in two years or so when his fiancée comes out here I will no longer be in the picture. I didn’t know what to say. Part of me believed him. That he was only trying to save me. But then part of me felt I needed to believe in the man I was with.  That his family was just trying to separate us. One thing I did know was that A**** was scared to a certain point of his family. Mainly his older brother, mother and father. So after this phone call I decided once again to leave. And I did. But A**** would blow up my phone. Leave me letters. Tell me how he wants to be with me etc. One day I was on my way to work and he popped up in my house. He was yelling, trying to get through to me that he loved me and that I was never 2 Nd choice. That I’m the only choice. That he thanks god that he met me. He thanks god that he has my love etc he was so emotional when saying all this that he threw up. I then felt bad and gave in. And gave him some water. Stop doing this to me. Just leave me alone I said. Your not serious. You say you love me but you didn’t think of me when u decided to ask someone else to marry you. You lied to me and your brother told me this not you. You should have been honest to me. He said come come to my house right now. Im going to tell them I love you that I wanted to be with you. I didn’t believe him. Plus I had to go to work. So I said no. I need time. And then he said he will see me tomorrow. I said ok. We’ll talk more then. So tomorrow came, I made dinner for the both of us. Before u know it it already 8pm. I then began to regret believing him and falling for the same crap again. So I called him. I said are u coming? He said he can’t because he had to pick up his brother in law from the airport and bring him home and that it would be rude of him to leave the house when he has company. And it was Ramadan. I then said then why the hell did you inturupt my life. Telling me you love me and want to marry me. That u want to see me tomorrow just to make more excuses !? He then said my name and why am I doing this etc. My heart dropped, I felt such a burn in my chest bc I knew he was lying to me. That it’s just more excuses and that nothings going to change. I put my pride to the side and said A**** you promised me. Why do u not let me move on with my life. You clearly don’t love me the way you say you do. I love you so much and your hurting me, I can’t take it anymore. He said I love you too babe but please try to understand him etc. I said if u don’t come here right now I will come to you (normally I’m never this crazy. But this guy has brought me to hell and back and I guess this is the result ) he then said ok ok ok I’ll come I’ll come. We hung up. Right there I knew he clearly was hiding me from his fam now. I was sooo angry and beyond hurt   I texted him back saying never mind. Don’t bother coming I’m just going to sleep. (In reality I was at that point where I just didn’t care anymore. I felt he was clearly playing with me and I was going to get to the bottom of it once and for all) so I called my friend. I asked her to please come with me somewhere and I picked her up and we went to his house. I needed her for emotional support. I still can’t believe where this love took me. Places I never imagined. (So unhealthy) so I walked into his back yard. Him and his family were all BBQ having dinner. The first person I bumped into was his father. I greeted him and he smiled nervously and said let me guess …it’s A****. I said yes. I then asked if I could speak to his older brother bc his dads English wasn’t too good plus I don’t think he even gave a damn about me or his kids. All that man cares about was money. Not even his own kids happiness. (This is besides the arrange marriage). So his older brother was about to take a bite into his food when he saw me. His face dropped. He knew by looking at me that clearly A**** been lying to them and still Persuing me. He walked up to me and said hi , asked how I was … I said not good. As I was about to start talking to him I noticed everyone just starting at me. I guess they were all in shock that I was still “in the picture” mean while they know he’s promised to someone else. When all of a sudden I saw him and he just looked like a dead in head lights. He looked like he saw a ghost. I then said sorry A**** … you come to my house unannounced making all these scenes, and now I’ll be coming to yours! And then his older brother said something to him in Turkish. basically telling him he better not run out of this house right now and to go to the front of the house bc we were going to talk and finish this for good. At first I came with the intent to tell his family to make him stay away from me but it didn’t go as planned. A**** was pacing around. With his hand on his forehead. He knew stuff was really about to go down. And his brother asked me what’s going on. I then told him that I know you told me he was in an arraigned marriage but he swears to me that it’s you guys that are making him … is this true? He said yes! I looked at A**** but he couldn’t even say a word. Then his brother said why didn’t you just call the cops on him if he keeps coming to ur house and makeing a scene. I said I should but I didn’t. He’s like why?! I said because I love him. And I don’t want to hurt his future. And then his brother flipped out and said you see!!! You see!!! This is all your fault!!!!  I said how is this all my fault? I’m not the one engaged and I’m not the one chasing him! I’ even tried getting away !!! And he’s like because you said it! That you love him! This is your fault! RIGHT THEN I COMPLETELY LOST IT. I swear I blacked out bc I then couldn’t believe how I am standing there , trying to do the right thing, I literally tried to leave, I was there with the intent to do the right thing and not call the cops and to tell them to please keep him away , I been hurt, I been used, I been crying, I loved him and there his brother. His family had the nerve to tell me that this was all my fault , them all knowing damn well from the start since they met me that he and they all were just using me! That there was never going to be a future ! They have daughters and sisters and yet they allowed him to use immense in their own house. Like I am nothing! But a toy! A life that doesn’t matter! …….. I then flipped out and told him Fuck You! Don’t you ever, don’t any one ever tell me that this is all my fault! Right there A**** came in between us and held my arms in a soft way. I was so angry and hurt and felt so little.  I pitted my self at that moment. I couldn’t look at him. But I suddenly calmed down and that rage died down and I just wanted to cry. And ask him how could you do this to me? He then said J*** this is all my fault. When all of a sudden his brother pushed him out the way and said damn right this is all your fault. His mother then came rushing down the stairs, opened the screen door and walked right up to A**** and slapped his face 2x. And then his dad came out too. His mom then stood in front of me and held me. Said I am so sorry! None of this is your fault! And then his older brother apologized and said I must of misunderstood him bc he never ment that this is all his fault. And then he proceeded to tell me that she’s ashamed of him. That I’m a good girl and they love me and they always said good things about me  but that it’s not me. It’s just their culture etc. That she hopes I find happiness and that I have beautiful children’s and a wonderful husband. Then his dad opened his dumb mouth and says yeah , your pretty you’ll get another boyfriend. Like that’s all I’m good for a boyfriend. And like that’s what I wanted to hear at that moment. I looked at his father in disgust and said another boyfriend? I don’t want another boyfriend. And then his older brother said no Jess forget what he said. No you are a very beautiful girl. Your a good girl and I really do wish you the best. (This whole time this is al going on A**** hasn’t said ONE WORD) he didn’t deny anything or accept. Until now when he said J** can I talk to you quick? I said talk to me? If u have something to say, say it here. Say it now in front of them. Bc clearly your telling us all different things. His parents and bro agreed with me. Then he said one more time J*** can we please talk. I said no. This is your last chance. If you have something to say please say it now. Bc after this don’t email me. Don’t call me and don’t you ever dare come looking for me after this. He said nothing. His older brother then said yeah so you have nothing to say? What were u going to say? J*** don’t listen to them. They were all lying. They made me do this etc. I then looked at him and asked him if he loved her? Is he really going to marry her? He couldn’t look at me and didn’t answer. His brother then yelled at him and said answer her!he then said softly looking at the ground. Yes. I’m going to marry her. And then he looked up at me and while there were so many things I wanted to ask him. What else was there to ask. He is marrying her. And not me. His brother then started insulting him. Saying that his mom has cancer and he believes it’s 99% because of him. And he said you think your so cool, you think your a man. What are u a stalker. Why r u stalking her for? Look at you you ain’t shit, look at u standing there like a coward. Twirling ur fingers behind your back. His mom and dad joined in. Deep down I felt bad for him at that moment. I agreed with them. But at the same time I could help but feel bad to hear his family insult him like that (STUPID ME RIGHT). I should feel bad for my self. And I did. And I still do now. I pitty my self. It’s been 2 years and I am heart broken. I miss the person I thought I was with. I break my mind bc I swore I believed he really loved me. But the proof is here. Now. He didn’t choose me. Wether bc he was a coward to stand up against his family, or bc he really did play me. He didn’t choose me.  Before I walked away o told him right in front of his family that if he ever comes looking for me I will file a restraining order. Now it’s my turn to protect my self. Bc clearly he doesn’t care how his games are affecting me and interrupting my life and just my reality. I hugged them all and said thank you for this. And I apologize for interrupting their dinner. And left. My friend said that she was so proud of me. That I showed a lot of courage and was brave to do what I just have done. And that she could tell his family felt bad for me and didn’t blame me for this. And how A*** def knew he messed up big time and how he will never forget this day or me. 1 week later he emailed me saying no matter what he will always be there for me. That he wants to. To call him so we can talk. And that he loves me and wrote our anniversary date…..  That made me mad. I couldn’t believe the nerve he had. How was he going to be there for me exactly ? Really and he loves me ? That night he didn’t say 2 words and now he wants to talk and say he loves me behind closed doors. No way. I remembered the promise I made to my self and told his family so I sent a screenshot to his older brother. And said as u can see it continues. Now I will do what I said. His brother never responded. And I filed a restraining order. To make a long story short he broke the restraining order 3x. The first time he followed me all the way out of the court. He was blocking me from going down the stairs and followed me all the way to my car. He said that he loves me and fuck that bitch he doesn’t love her. That he’s never going back to turkey. He’s not going to marry her. That I’m the girl for him and always I’ll be. That he feels he owes me in this life time. Etc. Then he followed me all the way to the main hwy.  windows down screaming he loves me. (Oh how that pissed me off. I couldn’t believe it. Going to court is something serious and can have a negative impact on ur record and there he was not taking a damn thing serious smiling like he didn’t just break my heart,  screaming he loves me?!) so I reported that incident to the cops and they arrested him.   I basically told the prosecutor no  pushment. But that I now want an extension of the order of protection. 2nd time I was coming home from work and then as I was going to pass him to pull in my drive way quick and run inside he decides to jump infront if my car. Thank god I hit my breaks on time. I hit him but not hard. But still idk I was in shock. For a second I wanted to get out of the car to see if he’s ok. But then I thought if he wasn’t ok he would be on the floor right now and he shouldn’t of jumped infront of my car anyways  ) and that me going out of my car to see if he’s ok is what he wants and I just can’t start this cycle all over again. I went to my house called cops and they arrested him again. Then 3rd time he came to my house rang door bell I called cops. He had brought us breakfast. Which I threw out. He went to court they put it on his record and he pleaded guilty and was on 1 yr probation. It was always hard to make sense out of all this. Did he love me? Why did he risk going to jail and getting caught. Obviously he thought I’d give in like usual but once I called the cops the first time why do it again and again. And why say I love you I feel I owe u in this life time instead of I hate you for taking me to court. Why say you love me and watch me basically confess my love for you to your family and you don’t say one word. No I love you. No I’m sorry j. But I have to do this. No explanation nothing. Why why why I go to sleep every night thinking of him. And it kills me. I just seen a pic that he got married. And it just kills me.

    #196443
    NYGirl
    Participant

    There’s so much more to this story but as you can see it would go on for days. I already typed too much no one will prob even want to read it all

    #196445
    NYGirl
    Participant

    I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this and at the same time my heart goes out to you guys who been through the same. It’s so hard I know it is. I feel this constant fire burning in my chest. And its so hard to let go of this person I believed him to be. And to forgive my self for going through all this. And for sticking it out until the end. I should have left sooner. But I was so I love with him and with something like this I just had to be sure. I wanted to be sure. I think the hardest part in the end is I feel like I don’t trust myself anymore. It’s almost as if I’m punishing my self. When in reality there’s nothing I could have done better or differently that would have changed the outcome. I was never ment to be taken serious.

    #200359
    Liz
    Participant

    Thank you to everyone who has shared your story. I am amazed at the similarities. I am currently dealing with a such a relationship. I have experienced the whole range of emotions described on this forum: intense love and connection, promise and hope for a future, being blindsided by a trip home and he returned “engaged” but not married, feeling sorry for him that he was forced by family and culture, feeling so hurt  that our love did not win out, feeling pissed that a stranger was held in higher status than his true love (who is a really good woman, if I may say), being willing (despite my moral code) to continue the relationship until the marriage was completed, and then being completely devastated when he immediately withdrew his love and attention to be “fair to his future bride” once the date was set.  There are no other words than to say the whole thing was a surreal nightmare, and yet I could not let myself emotionally disconnect from it because “I loved him so”. I have to own that I was an active and willing partner in this tragic tale. But you know what is missing from this discussion? Why do these men think it’s ok to live as hypocrites? They value their parents’ and their culture’s approval and standards. Yet they seek out a relationship with someone who will not be accepted by “them” which most oftentimes is kept a secret. Because they know full well that they are going to be in an arranged marriage someday and they have to maintain a certain image in the family/community. And if they say otherwise, they are either lying or they are in serious denial. So where is their sense of responsibility to the person who they are forming a relationship with and to that person’s well-being/feelings, all while waiting for their arranged marriage? Did they think/know/tell themselves that this relationship was temporary and just for fun? Did they fool themselves into thinking they would not actually fall in love with someone they were so intimately connected? (as in the idea that there are girls you fool around with and then there are girls you marry?) It is as if they had to know on some level that we were all only “placeholders” until the real marriage occurred. How does this make sense to them? I would love to know what happens to these guys, who had experienced the freedom of loving someone of their choosing and now marrying a stranger. Do they conform and eventually develop love for them, do they continue to live double lives, are they happy or miserable? I wish I had some insight as to how their story ends. For us, I know we will eventually learn and grow from this painful experience. We will move on and be okay, maybe not today, but someday. But who can shed light on how the story works out for them? Will they ever be able to be honest enough with themselves or us to tell?

    #200547
    Ambergem
    Participant

    I’m amazed at reading your stories, how frequent it is to be envolved in a situation like this. I’m another victim of arranged marriages, in this case with someone from a Gulf country. He never told me he was going to be marry in this way, and when he asked me for time off so we were having some issues lately. After 5 weeks of no contact, he told me he was engaged. I couldn’t believe, he’s european style and pilot! It’s true that he gave some signs of not being able to have been really in love of anyone and now I guess this is because he was not thinking in every relationship he had as a serious one. He doesn’t feel love the way occidentals feel. I’m wondering how he will deal with an arranged marriage when he is used to have a super independent life.

    Liz, I have the same questions you have. How they can resist such marriages? they cheat on their wifes?

    I’m quite devastated now, although our relationship was very difficult because of the distance and was not easy to see each other for his schedules. I feel that I wasted more than a year in my life following a fantasy. Very harmful situation, without being able to do anything. The rage, impotence and frustration is very high, so I fully understand all of you struggling with this.

     

    #215479
    Karma003
    Participant

    I can’t believe the frequency of such events happening. I am an Indian girl and it is still hard for me to believe this is happening to me,as well. We met in Germany and we built our whole life together ,here in Europe. It was all too good to be true. We had a beautiful home and lived together for almost 3 years. Waking up to this sweet, loving, gentle guy made everyday worth it. We lived like a happy family! . He had said he had never opened up to anyone before , the way he did with me. Finally, the D-Day came to tell his mom he wants to marry me . All hell broke lose. His parents threatened to disown him. Said so many evil mean things about me (without ever having met me or spoken to me!) He tried a lot. His mother emotionally blackmailed him, that he is the reason for her being sick and for their family being in pain and all that.. We pushed for 6 months. And they didn’t budge one bit And meanwhile, all I could do was be supportive and just hold on to him. His parents forced him to speak to girls of their choice and right in front of my eyes he used to do it, for his familys sake, to buy us time. He would talk to them rugri in front of me, but I took it all saying it will be okay. It’s for US. Itll work out. That we are a team and we are in this together. Finally, 3 days ago he had to call it off.. my whole life just came crashing down. And it’s still crashing.. the same guy who said I was his world , I was his every thing, I was like his family, just let me go. I know, he loves me and he is also hurting. But it just makes me feel like I am not enough. I feel abandoned and betrayed. I feel suffocated at the thought of waking up and not seeing him next to me. I had oriented my WHOLE life around him. What we ate, what we saw, where we went, what we did . It was all US. It was all together.. 3 most beautiful years of my life. Just came crashing down and I am left numb. Now going through the process of separation just kills me. Just knowing that one day, I’ll come to know that he married someone , will crush me. I have just no energy left in me to get through a day. What do I do ? Help. I am just lost.

    #232079
    kay
    Participant

    Hi karma003, i came across to this site hoping that I can get little comort from my situation that is almost the same like yours, the only difference was mine is an Indian guy. We have been together for 5 years here in Middle East and since beginning he told me his parents will arrange his marriage. It made me upset but we still decided to continue, within 5 years while his parents is searching for a girl,(like 3 times) he just keeps on rejecting it and telling them that he is not interested at all. His father even died without seeing him getting married with the girl they arranged.

    Yes, he fought for me, he prtotected me from everyone and everything. I cannot questioned his love for me because I know I am also his world and also his everything.  But her 86 yrs old mother is the one who pushed for everything now. I saw how much  difficult  for him to hurt her mother. And I also personally don’t want to hurt her mother because I feel like hurting a mother is a forever suffering for us.

    Finally, he went home to India and will get married this week. I was preparing myself since 4 years that eventually this might happen. UNbelievably it is really happening, I know it will be painful but I didn’t know it is this painful.

    I know that no matter how much tears i cry, it will not change anything. I just pray to God to give me strength and continue to love on whatever situation He will give us.

    It also makes me crazy, and even dreaming to speak infront of all Indian parents telling them, that they don’t have the right to make their kids sacrifice their own happiness because of their pathetic culture of arranged marriage. I hope someday this will stop and you can stay with the one you really love.

    you are now included in my prayers karma003, thanks for ready my story.

     

     

    #232993
    Ibiza
    Participant

    Hi everyone i have read each and every story from the old one to the recent one. And what made me so shocked  is thinking Indian people mindset is still about pleasing family members, how the neighbor will look and talk about the family members life decisions. Indian people are so afraid to move forward to the new world.

    They think arranged marriage works better than love marriage because very few people can call it off when they have enough. Only few!  people with the balls to go againts the whole family the whole blackmail the whole we will not talk to you or the you ruined family because of your decisions.

    It works before because people only meet people from the same place same education, same mind set, same simple uncomplicated things.

    But now i find it hard to believe that arranged marriage will still work. WHY? Simply because everyone is so fast paced alot of people from India meet new people different place different culture they realize what kind of life what kind of person they want to live with for the rest of their lives but… Indian parents will suck the life out of all love and the happiness you have with the one you are with right now. They don’t listen and they dont value even mental effects of their decisions.

    I am also suffering with the same predicament you all having i am together with my boyfriend here in Dubai. We still havent reach the point that we are talking about getting married but the thing is we are still starting to know each other to enjoy each other’s company. To explore new things together. Then one day my bf was so stress he told me he was being arrange by he’s parents and he cant say no because they are guilt tripping him that they gave him life they gave him comfortable life let him study. This is what they said the only wish they have that my bf can give to them. Sure its your parents and you want to make your parents happy but at the end of the day?? Are you going to happy? How can you wake up every morning with the wife or husband you didnt chose to spend the rest of your life.?  And other people chose for you. Im not sad that my bf will be married to someone else im sad because i know he will suffer everyday of his life just to make people that matters to him happy.

    To everyone who wants to talk privately email me isakiblair@gmail.com we can go and comfort each other.

    much love all

    isaki

    #276959
    Mercury
    Participant

    Hello – think this is an old thread – but I can’t believe what I am reading. I felt completely alone in this situation. Now I see so many others have felt the exact same pain I have. I thought no one in this world could understand – it is such a unique problem and completely unheard of to all my British friends.

    My boyfriend is Sri Lankan. We met last year while I was there and I was planning to return in May to spend one month with him. We were so excited and had even spoken about the possibility of marriage in the future. We had dreams of him coming to England where he could follow his dreams of becoming a Psychotherapist (he had no hope of achieving this in Sri Lanka). We spoke every day on the phone for hours since I returned to the UK. It was hard of course not to be with him physically but everything was great apart from that and I had no doubts in our relationship. Our love is so strong.

    But then he became distant for 1 week and eventually 1 week ago broke the news to me his family had arranged a wedding for him and a girl they have chosen from his village. The wedding will take place in 1 week from now. I was so shocked as I did not even know arranged marriages existed in Sri Lanka. At first I was in complete denial. Then I was so angry. I felt he had chosen this and that I meant nothing to him as he couldn’t protest against his family to be with me. I tried vehemently to convince him not to attend the wedding. He begged me to understand, saying if I could see things from his eyes I would understand that he loves me so much but he cannot shame his family like that. They know about me and that he loves me – he even told the girl he is marrying that he loves me, and she said not to worry as he will forget about me soon as I’m living so far away. Then I was jealous at the thought of him with another woman. Then I was devastatingly upset as I accepted that this really was going to happen.

    Now, in this whirlwind of emotions, I have finally seen things from his perspective, as hard as it is being from such a different culture. And I understand he has to do this. And he feels so alone. All his friends are trying to convince him not to go to the wedding – they saw how happy we were together. But I know this is hurting him even more that he feels he has no one’s support in this horrible choice that has been made for him that he has to go through with.

    We are still talking here and there. He’s in a very fragile mental state and after all the pain and denial I am now just trying to be there for him so he feels less alone in this week building up to the wedding. My friends are telling me to cut contact with him now as it will only get harder, but I care so much about him I cannot leave him stranded alone in his pain. I can see his mind is a war zone right now. Maybe I am putting myself and my needs aside for the moment – but I really love this man. I feel I have no choice.

    When the wedding day comes I plan to block him from all social media and my phone. It is going to be so hard, but I am not interested in being part of that dynamic. Our love was pure and sweet and exciting. I want it to stay that way forever in my mind without being tainted by being a woman he is having a secret affair with outside his marriage.

    This must be the hardest way to lose your love. It is not through choice at all by either of us – and for those saying if he really loved you he would abandon his family for you – I really don’t believe it is that simple. Some things have been ingrained since birth. I don’t agree with it of course, but I know that he loves me crazy amounts. I don’t doubt that for a moment.

    It has been so hard to get my head round the fact his family – the ones he has been conditioned to be so desperate to please – supposedly love him and want what’s best for him, yet have inflicted this much pain on him and ignored all his wishes. I will never understand it, and I sadly will not return to Sri Lanka now as I think I might forever resent it as the culture that, beautiful as it is in many aspects, took away my love.

    Like all of you on here have sadly experienced, I am hopelessly in pain now, wondering when/if it will end. In my desperation I have collected countless advice from anyone who will give it, and while it all helps, I think time is the only thing I can rely on to ease the pain. I’m so sorry to you all – I know how much it hurts. Everything happens for a reason, but I am struggling to find the reason in this, especially for him as he enters a very permanent loveless relationship.

    #291857
    Eliza
    Participant

    Dear everyone,

    Wow… you are all such strong souls. Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings, you have helped me so much.
    Actually I only realised I am in this situation yesterday, so it’s all a bit too raw to share much yet. The guy I’m in love with is Sri Lankan too, that’s how I found the thread. There is such sadness right now in Sri Lanka, and I don’t know how to process this at the same time. His family are Buddhist, but this is culture and tradition and family thing – just seems so cruel, and so sad.
    Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you – just to read from all of you means I don’t feel so alone.

    With love…

     

    #303999
    Gracey
    Participant

    Hi! I thought i could only read this situation here but now I’m also experiencing the pain of losing a guy due to an arranged marriage. They told him to his family about our relationship but his family said that they cant accept any nationalities other than them and a big no no for them. He keeps on fighting against his family as he really against on their decision until last night (19 July 2019) he got a massive discussions and he said that feeling the pressure from home and might have to go with it, its hard but truth, have not my choice but force. This is the exact word came from him and my world fell down as I thought he can still fight for it. I know his pain due to stress, arguments and discussions but I cant take the fact that Indian community had unfair treatment to their love ones, it so unfair that they cant choose whom they will spend the rest of their lives but instead their families are the one choosing that.

    Does indian families dont know the word love or it doesn’t exist to them as long as their sons will agree to the decision that they made. Feeling hurt and pain I need to accept this as stupid culture and tradition should follow even they can hurt other people. He said yes as he cant fight it and he value his parents and will always be on top. I asked him if the matters of the heart is not important to them and said not really for them and they want it their way. Is that the way how they raised their child without any love and only the family ties is important. Still i dont get it, he still on legal age to decide but he cant coz it matters his family. Coping and moving on is not easy as I am now crushing little by little, were still talking checking on me but i know i need to stop as his decision will not be change. So please avoid any nationalities that practice that kind of culture to avoid any pains because they are unfair and injustice.

    Sorry for long story, hoping that we can move on and surpass this soon.

    #317227
    Nicole
    Participant

    Listen please x

    I was with a Hindu Nepali guy for 5 years ,

    he made promises to me and dangle carrot ? he was saying charming beautiful things

    but in the end I wasted five years as he wanted to have arranged marriage and me ?

    i said noooo and walked !

    I had no choices ?

    he lied ? and was planning the marriage but still trying to stay with me didn’t want to let me go!!

    sssooo what I did was leave him ! Yes it hurt but it’s the right thing to do ! Yes it hurt but I have morals and standards and love only one at a time and I am strong not weak to accept this from anyone.

    he took all my stuff and stalks me to try and find out about me x

    i block him on everything and have no regrets about leaving a weak sad individual who is a low life liar ?

    I thank god everyday I did find out his lies and that I did not marry him as he would of liked to commit bygimy and likely would of liked some money from my house to send back to his third world x

    please don’t crumble and fall for this bull shitter he knows what he is doing and his own plan x

    let him live his miserable sad life pretending love grows and they can love after arranged lol ?

    walk and don’t look back coz I swear he will never make u happy as he’s a miserable controlling liar and u know it Hun as your instincts are alerting you to stay the hell away x

    dont suffer coz of him and cry for his harsh culture x

    make a point of alerting everyone to watch out for this and being supportive and strong for others that are in this silly predicament and rest assured you never created it he bloody well did x so leave him in his pickle

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