Forum Replies Created
April 30, 2019 at 7:25 am #291837
I’ve been in this situation. It’s harsh to hear but this man is probably biding his time with you until something better (to him) comes along. You are absolutely being used. Words are easy. Actions are hard. You’ve had three years of non-action. That is enough time for you to realize this isn’t going anywhere.March 3, 2019 at 8:45 am #282639
I’m glad I peeked into this post. I am going through something similar right now. I have been with my boyfriend for four years and we’ve been living together for the past year. It’s been a rough time of late. My ongoing concern is similar to yours, that my needs are not being met and I see little attempt to try and meet them. It’s a bit hurtful and makes me feel like I am not worth it and having my time wasted. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to care, instead pinning things back on me (an example is he doesn’t take me out anymore. I initiate dates but I’m tired of it and I want more effort on his part. He just invites me to his activities, like table tennis or going to the gym; this isn’t a date in my opinion but his response is that I need to change). We rarely have sex anymore.
In reading the responses, I agree with “Inky”. I have been contemplating bringing up having my boyfriend move out (he lives in my condo) because this is when the majority of our issues started. Maybe, just maybe, not seeing each other every day would bring back some romance. Having said that, there are no guarantees. And honestly, in my situation, I am looking for someone I can spend my life with and that includes living together and supporting each other in this way. For me this was a big test that failed and perhaps further contemplation on the future of the relationship is merited.
In a relationship, compromise is a given (on both ends). Don’t deny meeting your needs. They are just as important and valid as his.
I look forward to reading further advice on the topic.March 2, 2019 at 7:46 pm #282563
My personal belief is that our intuition can often act like a superpower. In reflecting on my life, and experiences where it provided warning (that I didn’t listen to), I now realize it was right. I don’t doubt that yours is warning you.
More context to your relationship is probably needed but from what you’ve written, I feel like something is definitely going on. You have the texts that prove it, much less the bad feeling you have. You can confront her or you can continue to look the other way. Often we look the other way because we are scared of the unknown that the confrontation may bring (but surely it is better than being deceived and disrespected).
Ask yourself what kind of life you want to live and the answers may come to you. Trust, honesty and communication are essential pillars of any successful relationship though. Don’t deny yourself those basic needs.February 27, 2019 at 8:54 am #282011
After what you’ve written, I’m not sure why you would welcome this man into your life. He’s got character flaws, is disrespectful, sounds manipulative. I’ve known a few of these in my lifetime. The feelings you are experiencing are endorphins from being single for awhile and then finally meeting someone and having sex. Look at the science of it rather than just focusing on your feelings (which are based on a lie).
I can guarantee that he won’t have an honest conversation with you if you press further. I don’t think he feels he owes you that, to be honest, as this was set-up from the start as a hook-up situation.
He’s contacting you because he is looking for an ego stroke (and will probably at some point play with your emotions further to get more easy sex). You have indicated that this isn’t something you want, so honour your soul and demand more in life which in this case is a loving relationship. My best recommendation is to block, block, block and just keep moving forward.February 6, 2019 at 11:23 am #279017
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But above all, is it something bad to be in a relationship?. Really is it sinful to love someone?
It is not wrong to be in a relationship. In fact, I feel (being from the West) having relationships helps a person figure out who they are and what they want in life. Love is never sinful. Love is beautiful. Discrimination is more sinful, in my opinion. I would actually love to hear more on why your parents/culture feels love isn’t a good thing?
I have experience in this, being a Western woman who was left by an Indian male for an arranged marriage (and thus my following statement will be biased). My advice would be that if you aren’t willing to challenge your parent’s beliefs – and the greater culture – to stand up for what you need in life, then you must accept your fate and not involve any other males who you may fall for in a romantic sense. This will take strength and a bit of defiance to cultural practices that have been set for millennia, but unless you are willing to stand up for it, it is not worth dragging the heart of an innocent person into the matter. It is not worth causing someone else pain for a matter that will never work to their favour.
</div>February 6, 2019 at 11:10 am #279015
Hi Risha – please add “blocking” him on all social media and blocking his number from your phone. This is the next step in your recovery. You need to do it to move forward.February 3, 2019 at 2:31 pm #278409
I don’t understand why your parents think their happiness is above yours?
The relationship with your parents is not a romantic one (the one with your girlfriend is). Why are they comparing the two? One can have happiness in both areas without taking anything away from the other.February 3, 2019 at 8:43 am #278359
If you had a close friend that was in this situation, what would your advice to them be? My guess is that it would be to dump the man because your friend deserves better.
Make that same choice for yourself.February 2, 2019 at 5:49 pm #278295
Yes, you need to look at this from an outside perspective MG.
One of the reasons I joined the TinyBuddha forum was to share my experience and give advice to others in a similar situation (there are a lot of us; the dual life men of this nature lead is quite common and it is very, very hurtful). I will say, it has taken me years to get over my former relationship. I’m at a place now where I see it (and him) for what it was, but it still affects my self-esteem. You may face self-doubt in the future and question your worth at times (i.e. “why didn’t he choose me?”) … but please understand, this is not reflective of your worth or character at all. It IS reflective of his though. And it is poor.
Men like this are conniving and self-centred. No matter what, you will never come first to someone like that.
And you deserve better than it.February 2, 2019 at 9:03 am #278227
His marriage is probably imminent. For your best interest, you should listen to what he is telling you and move on. Cut contact and don’t look back. Just enjoy the memories.
I also think you need to thoughtfully consider Anita’s questions. Most (if not all) men from a culture where arranged marriage/extreme parental influence is common know what their future relationship is going to look like. They often have fleeting affairs with unsuspecting women because they want the experience of “being in love” before duty calls. I personally find this deceitful. Playing with someone else’s emotions is not a good thing to do (it happened to me; I had no idea about the cultural influence of this stuff). I suspect this was the case with your situation unfortunately.February 2, 2019 at 8:55 am #278223
You need to be strong and end this. Full stop.
You are afraid of hurting him, but by keeping relations in secret, you are also hurting the wife. She has done nothing in this. I’m also concerned about your confidence/self-esteem. The fact that you are even contemplating what to do in this situation tells me that you have none. You are being treated poorly and have been manipulated into thinking this is all you deserve.
He is the one without a backbone who is being deceitful. He DID make a choice.
Years ago, I was involved with an Indian man who would repeatedly tell me how much he loved me, how he wanted to marry me … and then I discovered that he was searching for a more “respectable” bride from his own culture online. I was for sex. She was for “keeping up appearances”. He got married—not engaged, full on arranged married—two months after we parted ways. I will tell you, it hurt. It still hurts because I will always wonder “why not me?”, but in time I’ve learned to love myself more and see the situation for what it was. My ex, and yours, are deceitful, manipulative human beings who only care about themselves. If this person isn’t going to fight for you, then you need to stick up for yourself.January 21, 2019 at 3:41 pm #276021
Three days is nothing, considering you said to “hit me up when you are free”.
I’m of the personal opinion that I don’t expect – or want – someone to be texting me too much after I’ve just met them. You’ve said yourself that you are impatient … I would give him time. Don’t pressure or overwhelm him. Things will work out as they should.January 3, 2019 at 10:21 am #272121
Dear Kay – I just want to give you a hug. You have not been treated well and I can understand your hesitations. Do not give in to “hook up culture” though. It is not worth it. It will further dehumanize you. You are not a commodity. You are a human being with feelings, deserving of respect and love.
I’m a little bit older than you and I find relationships these days really hard. Prior to my current one (which is going well), I had some bad experiences just like you. I was sexually assaulted by someone (my friends say it was rape). I also made the mistake of meeting up with him again afterwards because a) I was in denial that he would do that and wanted those good feelings of when we first met to return; this was me naively believing in the good in everyone; and, b) I didn’t want to identify as a victim of it. We shouldn’t hold this responsibility though. You did nothing wrong to either of these men. Don’t ever believe this is normal. Don’t ever accept it.December 28, 2018 at 11:04 am #271319
“he claimed he wasn’t sure how to delete them.” – such a lie.
My advice is you need to block him and never, EVER speak to him again. If someone burns you once, learn to walk away and never look back. The change from one year to the next can be a great time to refresh one’s life. Use this opportunity to make 2019 all about you. Don’t entertain these bums. You deserve better.December 28, 2018 at 10:42 am #271311
Mark always provides rational, solid advice. I agree with everything he said. This isn’t a “real” relationship. If anything, it was a fantasy still stuck in the honeymoon, lovey-dovey phase. You don’t owe him anything, despite what your hormones are telling you. You need to look out for your own wellbeing. Please end this relationship. It will only lead to heartbreak (and perhaps worse) in the future.
Even without the addiction factor, he lied and stole from you. Demand better for yourself. You are surely worth it.