What can I do when my boy friend is married

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This topic has 24 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Anne.

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February 1, 2019 at 9:45 am #278071

MG
Participant

I am in a very complicated relationship and I have no clue what I can do further. I am in love with a friend of mine for past 7 months. My friend also loves me more than I love him. Unfortunately he got married last week becuase of family pressure. Now we have no idea as what we can do further. I want him to be happy with his wife and forget me but he doesn’t agree with me and says everything will go as it was before his wedding. The main problem is, he is also my colleague in office so I have to face him everyday. Because of this it gets really difficult to move on. Can someone help me decide what I should do and how I should deal with this situation.

February 1, 2019 at 10:08 am #278079

Valora
Participant

First, I think you should ask yourself if you want to be with someone you have to share or if you would rather be in a relationship with someone who is with you and only you. If you want the latter, I think you should definitely, definitely cut all romantic ties with this man. He may have been pressured, by family but it was still ultimately his choice to go through with the marriage.

If you don’t mind sharing a man with another woman, does his wife know about you two? Because if not, that is a whole other added problem.

February 1, 2019 at 10:10 am #278081

Anonymous
Guest

Dear MG:

It is common for a man who is pressured to marry a woman by his parents, in an arranged marriage culture, to obey his parents, marry the woman they want him to marry and continue a relationship with a woman he loved before. This way he pleases his parents on one hand, and on the other he pleases his own desires, and his own loving feelings.

Question is: are you willing to participate in this arrangement: be his secret girlfriend while in practice and in public he is a family man, married to another woman, to have children with her and so forth?

anita

February 1, 2019 at 10:25 am #278085
MG
Participant
No I don’t want to be with him but when i see him getting emotional because of me, i don’t understand what to do and i end up going with flow. Should i be hard and just hurt him? Currently i know that I should end this relation but i am not able to take the decision. I am not able to hurt him. Also since we meet every day at office, it is getting even harder.

He is very angry and difficult man.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by MG.
February 1, 2019 at 10:57 am #278089

Anonymous
Guest

Dear MG:

“I am not able to hurt him”- I wonder if to not hurt his feelings you must do what he tells you to do and not question him, to be his girlfriend in secret, to forget about marrying him or any other man, but be there in his life in the role of a secret girlfriend while he is married and has a family with another woman-

If so, this is quite selfish, don’t you think, not considering your well-being, only his?

“He is very angry and difficult man”- what do you mean by it?

anita

February 1, 2019 at 11:59 am #278107

Chelsea
Participant

“He is very angry and difficult man” — all the more reason to end things now. It might make things awkward at work, but if he retaliates at all, it’s just all the more reason to have left him. You leaving might hurt him, but it will hurt you even more to stay in this relationship longer than you want to. He made his choice and now you get to make yours.

February 1, 2019 at 1:25 pm #278119

Anonymous
Guest

Dear MG:

“I am in a very complicated relationship… (he) says everything will go as it was before his wedding… He is very angry and difficult man”-

-something occurred to me after a posted to you last and that is that you might be afraid that he will cause you trouble if you don’t go along with what he says. He didn’t ask you if it is okay with you to “go as it was before”, he told you that this is how it will be, if I understand correctly.

Being afraid of him might be what makes it a “very complicated” situation for you.

If this is the situation, plan what to do so to protect yourself from him. Do not submit to him to avoid potential danger. Instead, face any possible danger to you and plan wisely how to proceed. I hope to read more from you.

anita

February 1, 2019 at 5:15 pm #278145
Mark
Participant
MG,

Help you decide what to do? You and him have no idea what you can do further? He wants to do everything as before he got married? What was that? Having sex?

He made his decision. You said you don’t want to “be with him” which I assume that you no longer want sex with him?

You don’t want to hurt him? He is a grown ass man who made his decision. Are you really afraid of him getting angry at you and become difficult at work and making your work life miserable?

You can decide for yourself based on what is good for you, not based on fear – whether fear of “hurting” him or fear of him being angry or difficult with you.

He made a vow, a legal and moral one in front of the family and community and with his wife. Time to move on.

Mark
- This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Mark.
February 1, 2019 at 7:00 pm #278149

MG
Participant

@Anita..I would like to clarify something here. I am not really afraid of him. I am just afraid that how he will handle himself once I left. Yes he is angry man but he doesnt misbehave with me. He has always been nice to me. Currently I just want to break up all love related relations with him so he can accept his wife and be happy with her. I am a very positive person so I know I will move on and handle myself but I am kust worried of him.

February 1, 2019 at 7:03 pm #278151

MG
Participant

@Mark, no it is not anything about sex. Its just about all the chats we did and the way we cared for each other. You are right when you say that I have to kust take my decision but I am becoming weak and not able to take that decision. Should i directly go and tell him that we need to end it or should I just gradually slow down everything and eventually stop it?

February 1, 2019 at 7:15 pm #278153

Valora
Participant

I think you should just make a clean break of it and just tell him that you want to end it, that he is married now and should put his focus on his wife. And then you can go find someone who will want to be with just you, as well. It will probably be awkward at work for a while, but I think just stopping will be a lot less awkward or painful than slowing down with intentions of eventually stopping would. I think that would just drag everything out.

February 2, 2019 at 4:21 am #278173

Anonymous
Guest

Dear MG:

If I understand correctly at this point (and correct me if I don’t), you and this man are co-workers and friends at work for the last seven months. The two of you have not been and are not sexually involved. The nature of the friendship with him has having emotional and intimate chats (“it is not anything about sex. It’s just about all the chats we did and the way we cared for each other”).

Part of the chats you had was you telling him that you love him and him telling you that he loves you even more (“My friend also loves me more than I love him”).

He got married last week but wants to continue this special friendship with you at work. You want to stop having this friendship with him and be strictly co workers, but you are afraid that he will be hurt and not be able to handle himself if you stop the special friendship (“I am just afraid that how he will handle himself once I left”).

How do you think he might handle himself; do you think he will hurt himself if he didn’t have the special friendship with you?

anita

February 2, 2019 at 6:03 am #278189

MG
Participant

Dear Anita,

We are in a relationship. Not the physical relation but yes we are in love with each other. Considering all the things we discussed so far, i am clear that I will have to break up with him so that he can stay happily with his wife and I can move ahead. Now I just need help to understand as how shall I breakup. Shall I update him that we are breaking up and we wont talk or should i slowly stop the chats and then gradually end it?

February 2, 2019 at 6:39 am #278191

Anonymous
Guest

Dear MG:

If I was you, I will type him a letter, one page. There I will state to him that I do not believe it is right to have a romantic relationship with a married man and therefore I am ending the romantic relationship and will be having a proper work colleague relationship with him from now on, same as you have with other work colleagues, men and women.

I will not suggest to him that I am ending the relationship; instead, I will state it confidently and assertively. I will end the letter with wishing him well in life.

Also, in the letter I will not tell him that he should be happy with his wife or how you think his marriage life should be. I wouldn’t mention anything about his wife and future family.

If you can give him the letter when the two of you happen to be alone (in the work place, or maybe in a restaurant outside the work place), give him the letter and ask that he reads it right there and then. If he argues with you, tell him that it is not negotiable. If you see him in pain, you can say: I am sorry for your pain and I wish you well.

After that, treat him like you do any other work colleague and see him, of course, only in the workplace.

anita

February 2, 2019 at 8:55 am #278223

Michelle
Participant

You need to be strong and end this. Full stop.

You are afraid of hurting him, but by keeping relations in secret, you are also hurting the wife. She has done nothing in this. I’m also concerned about your confidence/self-esteem. The fact that you are even contemplating what to do in this situation tells me that you have none. You are being treated poorly and have been manipulated into thinking this is all you deserve.

He is the one without a backbone who is being deceitful. He DID make a choice.

Years ago, I was involved with an Indian man who would repeatedly tell me how much he loved me, how he wanted to marry me … and then I discovered that he was searching for a more “respectable” bride from his own culture online. I was for sex. She was for “keeping up appearances”. He got married—not engaged, full on arranged married—two months after we parted ways. I will tell you, it hurt. It still hurts because I will always wonder “why not me?”, but in time I’ve learned to love myself more and see the situation for what it was. My ex, and yours, are deceitful, manipulative human beings who only care about themselves. If this person isn’t going to fight for you, then you need to stick up for yourself.
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