Menu

Valora

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 470 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #342948

    Valora
    Participant

    Also, the hurt you’re feeling from this is likely a reaction from your ego. You want to be the ONLY one your partner finds attractive forever. It’s a blow to the ego to think he might find someone else attractive, so that’s why that hurts, but that attraction doesn’t say anything about his attraction to you. He clearly finds you more attractive than anyone else.

    #342940

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi kiwiboy0897,

    I agree with everything Anita said. Attraction isn’t cheating or betrayal, acting on it is.  He may have told Steve that he had an attraction to him, but he also then told Steve that he loves you and that nothing was going to happen between them.

    I can’t think of how someone who claims they are loyal can develop an attraction for someone else, and confess the way they feel.

    Attraction is a feeling and we cannot help our feelings. We can only help our actions. Like Anita said, there are going to be times that you find other people attractive, maybe even strongly. It happens a lot with people when they work closely together. This is where trust and loyalty come into play. Your boyfriend seems like he is very loyal. He may have confessed his feelings for this other man after the other man confessed his first (and I believe your boyfriend when he says he may have gotten caught up in the moment. It happens to all of us sometimes), but following that, he then told the guy that he loves you and wants to be with you, so the important part of that event was that he didn’t actually act on those feelings, even when he knew the other guy felt the same (which is a huge temptation). He remained loyal to you.

    If I were you, I would try not to get caught up in the fact that he developed feelings for another person. It really is a normal thing, whether you love someone or not, and even when you’ve been happily married for 30 years.  I can remember my best friend’s parents talking to us about their marriage when we were younger. They got married when they were around age 18, and they had both admitted to being attracted to other people on and off throughout their lives, but they remained loyal to each other, never acted on any attractions with other people. They also made it a point to not continue to put themselves into situations of temptation whenever they could avoid doing so (it’s hard to do when you work with the person), so hopefully that’s a lesson your boyfriend learned as well. And it’s one for you to remember in the future, too, should you ever find someone else that you feel attracted to.

    #342894

    Valora
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your response Valora. Sadly this is probably how most men from my country think you’re supposed to get close to a girl. There was a study done that found that a majority of girls were coerced into their first experience.

    I agree with what Anita said above. I am also so sorry that this has happened to you, especially what you described in the thread that you linked to. His behavior was not okay. Even if most men in your country behave this way, it still doesn’t make it acceptable or okay, and you do not have to accept it. No means no… and you should only have to say no ONE time, and they should stop immediately. Persistence past your “no” shows a lack of respect for you. Please do not accept a lack of respect. I think you should just stop talking to these men completely when they try to push you like this.

    #342646

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Candise,

    I find his behavior very, very inappropriate, especially given that you asked him to not be touchy with you and he very much crossed that healthy boundary that you set.  If you’ll notice, his words and actions are not lining up (for example, he tells you he’s okay with not being too touchy and then tries very hard to sleep with you). I think this man is only after one thing, and if it were me, I would stop talking to him altogether. He does not respect you.

    I also would not feel bad about what you said to him or making him feel bad. He SHOULD feel bad. He needs to take a good look at how his actions very much contradict the things he says and be more honest.

    #342474

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Harry,

    I am also wondering about what Anita asked, and in addition, what did she do for you?  The way it’s written, your relationship is looking very one-sided, with you giving up everything and doing all of these things to make her life better. Had she done the same for you as well or has it just always been you putting in all of the effort?

    Either way, I would not be friends with her. I would stop talking to her completely. For one thing, she cannot miss you if you’re still always available and chasing after her. Also, if you cannot stop yourself from checking all of her social media, it might be best to block her until you heal a bit.

    #341704

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi JustAnotherBreak,

    I agree with Anita. His behavior is unhealthy and quite controlling. I would dump and block him and not look back. But be prepared for him to try to get to you because him not being in control of the breakup will likely make him mad. Just ignore him.

    #341606

    Valora
    Participant

    Your feelings of wanting to wait until you’re committed to each other are not at all unreasonable. If I were you, I would just be honest with him and tell him that you’re only comfortable doing sexual things when you’re in a committed relationship.  For one, if he’s not willing to wait until you guys are committed and pushes you away, it’ll show you he’s not the right one for you. He’s not as good as it seems he is.  If he is willing to wait, that’s a definite positive thing and shows that he cares about your comfort and feelings and is supportive, which are all great qualities to have in a man and should definitely be preferred over someone who is more worried about his own pleasure than his lady feeling uncomfortable. There’s no reason you need to do those things before you feel ready. So, if I were you, I’d just tell him you want to wait and see how he reacts.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by  Valora.
    #341018

    Valora
    Participant

    Definitely good riddance then when it comes to him! You don’t need jerks in your life.

    You’re welcome! And thank you, too! 🙂

    #340886

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I know it’s frustrating and it hurts, but sometimes people aren’t as invested as we’d like them to be, no matter how long we’ve known them. He might’ve had a lot going on that you didn’t know about that he didn’t feel like sharing that sort of made him less capable of dealing with other people’s issues. Or he could just be a jerk who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. There are plenty of those in the world, too. Either way, it sounds like it wasn’t a good friendship for you, so it would probably be better to just leave that guy in the past.

    #340824

    Valora
    Participant

    I guess I don’t understand what you want from him.  Were you looking for him to feel YOUR pain or feel HIS pain?

    People handle things very differently. Some don’t like to express to others what they’re going through, and it seems like you’re expecting that he should handle things the way you do…. but some prefer to deal with things on their own and in their own perspectives.

    Also, if you know he’s on medications that are known to decrease empathy, why are you looking for empathy from him in particular? To me, that doesn’t make sense. You would need to vent to a different friend rather than him. I would also be careful about labeling people as narcissists. We all have a little bit of narcissism in us. It’s a trait that exists on sort of a sliding scale. Although some do have more than others, that word is getting thrown around an awful lot lately, and it’s important that we recognize the trait when it shows up in ourselves, as well. There are lots of different reasons why someone might not be as empathetic as you might expect them to be, including being incapable of it due to medication and because they just aren’t that into you.

    At any rate, if you’re no longer around this guy, I wouldn’t worry about it. It sounds like it’s better for you two to just not be friends, so I would cut your losses and forget about him as best you can.

    #340808

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Crawford,

    You’re asking a bunch of different questions, so I’m going to quote them and answer below the quotes.

    I know that i am responsible of how i feel but does that mean i dont have any responseibility over other peoples feelings?

    No, you don’t have responsibility over other people’s feelings. They are going to feel and respond however they feel and respond, and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can tell them how their responses make you feel, but you can’t expect them to change based on what you would like them to do.

    If i feel a certain negative feeling around someone and it makes me want to leave the person if it is not dealt with, is it my responseibility or both?

    It’s your responsibility to let people know when they hurt you and your responsibility to leave if the behavior doesn’t change. It’s their responsibility to decide whether or not to change the behavior… but understand and be willing to accept that they don’t HAVE to change it. That decision is theirs and theirs alone. If you don’t like that they have decided to continue the behavior, it’s your responsibility to distance yourself.

    If i feel someone is constantly in a positive bubble and cant accomodate for negative feelings in me, how can i adress the issue without blaming them for how i feel. In my perspective, i would have to confront them about it or let them know that i will have to leave them if it does not get resolved. This is my experience, i used to have a friend which i felt was stuck in positivity and never accomodating or taking negative aspects of others around him as part of himself. I was in pain but he could not take my pain as part of him and be with me as i am, feeling into me, being with me with the pain. This made me feel alone and that my pain was not valid, and i had to hide it to be able to be in the persons presence. I ended up confronting him about it whereas he acted as it had nothing to do with him at all, not showing me any kind of compassion or empathy. This made me leave him and our friendship. My question is, how to deal with negative feelings in relations?

    I’m not sure what you wanted from him here. People can feel empathy without taking the pain into themselves. Were you wanting him to feel bad because you felt bad? I think the best way to deal with these sorts of things is just acceptance. I think it’s important to share how you’re feeling, which you did, and just as important to accept when someone feels differently. At the very least, you know that you should not go to this person when you are wanting to receive that type of experience. I think it can be sort of self-preservation/self-care to not want to take other people’s negative feelings and experiences in as your own, and it’s okay if he doesn’t want to have that deep of a friendship.

    How much should we take into consideration others feelings as part of ourselves and in what ways are we responsible in relationship towards eachothers feelings?

    We are responsible for setting our own boundaries and enforcing our own boundaries. We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. If someone comes to us and tells us something we are doing is making them feel bad, we should consider what they’re saying and whether or not changing that behavior lines up with our own feelings/beliefs. If it does, we can change it. If not, we don’t have to change it. It IS nice to compromise and change behavior sometimes, but not at the expense of our own self-care. He may not want to take negativity in because it affects him negatively, and that should be understood and accepted.

    So, in that case, if the person decides NOT to change the behavior, it becomes up to the hurt person to decide whether they want to remain friends and just change the nature of the relationship, accept and deal with/look past the behavior, or distance themselves completely.

    #339584

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Capricornus!

    The reason I think I may need to (sadly) end the relationship is that he would see any ultimatum as a restriction on his freedom and I don’t want to do that.

    This behavior is something I would not like in a relationship either, so I can see how you’re uncomfortable with it. As GL explained above, setting boundaries is necessary and healthy. And as Anita explained, asking your boyfriend to not touch/tickle other women or pull them onto his lap is not an unreasonable boundary to set. Just as you want to be understanding of his culture and upbringing, he also needs to be understanding of yours. Relationships are about compromise, especially when it comes to ending another partner’s reasonable discomfort, and that includes the men having to make changes just as much as the women, even if it restricts their freedom. The only relationships that don’t have at least some form of restriction of freedom are open relationships, so that’s likely something he’s just going to have to learn to deal with or stay single (or perhaps find a doormat for a girlfriend/wife, but he will end up having a very unhappy girlfriend/wife).

    If you’re considering ending the relationship anyway, it would be better and make more sense to just ask him to stop doing that beforehand, and if he refuses, then end the relationship. You never know, he might understand and be willing to compromise. And if not, it won’t matter if he sees the boundary as a restriction on his freedom, because you will be ending the relationship with him anyway.

    #339582

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Tari,

    I agree with Brandy and Anita. I get that there are times when someone pops up later and says they are still thinking of you and wish they would’ve treated you better, etc., but that’s not something we can count on or hold onto for hope with everyone. Just because the other guy did that doesn’t mean Andrew is thinking the same, and, ultimately, it’s going to be up to him to make things right. If he is still thinking about you and decides he wants to get to know you again, he knows how to find you.

    Do you think maybe your mind is attached to him because, during the 3 weeks, he made you feel very loved and cared for, which was such a contrast to what you were going through at the time, and he also gave you a lot of positive attention, which also made you feel really good while you were going through such a bad situation?  You might just be stuck on him because your mind has attached that feeling solely to him, and maybe you haven’t found anyone else that gave you that feeling, but the feeling might have just been intensified due to the stark contrast between how he was treating you and how you were being treated at home rather than it actually being an intense connection with him.

    #339460

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Tari,

    I get what it’s like when you have abandonment issues. I have them, too, and I’ve made it a point to try to work on changing those beliefs by reading books and blogs on changing fear of abandonment. That might be where you’ll want to start, too.  It can be a hard belief to change, but it also comes with the realization that sometimes it’s not actually abandonment.  Sometimes it’s our own expectations not being met that are ultimately messing us up. When we expect someone to like us or want to stay with us forever and then they don’t, we feel abandoned, but in reality there’s never really any guarantee that someone will stay forever or even that their feelings wont’ change, and that is just something that has to be accepted. It’s not so much abandonment when people’s feelings or situations change, because other people have to do what’s right for them, too. I think it’s okay to have expectations sometimes, because that helps us to be able to trust, but we also have to be able to accept when things end.  Sometimes it’s for our greater good.

    I really think you need to forgive yourself. Even if some of your actions did “mess things up,” it was likely meant to happen that way for you to learn a lesson from it, and if you learn that lesson (not to do those things again or to change the beliefs that caused you to do those things), then that lesson is less likely to repeat (although it still will never guarantee that someone will stay with you… because sometimes their leaving is about them, not you).

    And if you’re still wondering about that guy… after you’ve worked on whatever you feel you did that messed things up and feel confident that you’re in a better place… I don’t think it would hurt to ask your cousin about him or maybe even message him and see if he’d be interested in meeting up for coffee or a smoothie or something.

    #339458

    Valora
    Participant

    Both of the girls that didnt reply to my texts are both im attracted to, but ended up making me feeling down. Im just confused if there is something wrong with me or maybe im a bad luck person…

    Hi Felix!

    I’ve singled these two sentences out, because they’re important. You are basing that second statement on the rejection of TWO girls.  What were your expectations when you messaged them?

    I would also suggest you continue to work on loving yourself. It’s an ongoing process, and you should definitely keep going at least until you get to the point that you realize that someone’s rejection doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that you have bad luck. It just means they aren’t a match for you. Not everyone will be a match, and so far, from what you’ve posted here, you’re sort of beating yourself up over the fact that three girls haven’t been a match for you, but that number is very, very low. This doesn’t mean you should be going after girls you’re not attracted to… just alter your expectations a bit when you do talk to girls or when you message them… just because you’re interested in dating them does not mean they’ll be interested in dating you. This does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you should change anything about yourself to make them interested (because that would not be genuine). This is true for literally everyone on the planet. One person’s interest will never guarantee the other person’s interest… and dating is hard. It’s sort of a number’s game. The more people you get to know, the more likely you’ll find someone who is just as interested in you as you are of them.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 470 total)