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Valora

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  • #291205

    Valora
    Participant

    you make several valid points.  I do need to move on, bad.  I do need to end this thing I have now.  I think what really bothers me is that my ex was the one that reached out to me this last time(last december).  I know i don’t know any meaning behind things she did say, however there are a few things that just keep bouncing in my head.  Why did she say, ” I think of you often” and when i stopped texting, why did she get not upset, but wondering where I went?  It really makes me wonder if she was having second thoughts and was feeling out my situation.  Even though she has a boyfriend( extreme long distance relationship), and she knew i have a girlfriend.

    When you think about those things, why she said or did what she did, do you tend to read into them? Because that’s what’s not helping you to move on. My ex contacted me to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” Then right before Christmas, contacted me again to ask if he’d left skiis at my house and he did but then he never came and got them. Who even knows why these people do the things they do. The fact is, it’s now almost May. It’s been almost 5 months since she’s contacted you. I know you said you’d blocked her, but does she know how to get a hold of you if she really wants to? And has she?

    Your breakup has been almost as long as mine and, although I still think about my ex sometimes, too, it helps to come to terms with the fact of things as they are. She isn’t in your life right now, and that’s all you need to know at the moment, you know? If she was gauging your situation, well you were still with your girlfriend and you’re still with her even now, so nothing can change at least until you change your current situation.

    If she were to contact me and want me back.  I would have no  hesitation….  again. how pathetic am i?….

    You would HAVE to have hesitation though because you’re still with someone right now.  You’re worried about kicking your girlfriend out because of her situation but if your ex came back you’d have no hesitation?  What does that tell you?

    #291203

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, there is NEVER going to be a good time for a breakup. There’s always something… next week, next month, etc. That’s kind of why you have to forget about finding a good time and just rip the band-aid off.

    #290201

    Valora
    Participant

    I still think you’re holding onto her so tightly because you hate your current situation.

    So what if you met up and she said she wanted you back? You keep saying that you can’t get out of the current situation you’re in because you feel too guilty and your girlfriend keeps crying… wouldn’t adding another woman to the picture just complicate things more? Plus be waaaayyyy more painful for your girlfriend if you actually left her for your ex?  You can’t start over with your ex while you already have a girlfriend. Bringing your ex into that situation would likely end up breaking you two up permanently (because who wants to go through that??) while devastating your girlfriend at the same time.

    I think you should just do whatever you can to move on. Think of it as a wonderful learning experience but one that ran it’s course. Give yourself closure. And trust me, I know it’s not easy, but at some point you just have to concede that if our exes really wanted to be with us, they’d be back by now.

    #290199

    Valora
    Participant

    I definitely agree with Mark. Have you started any counseling yet?

    You may feel guilty, but, again, she is just as much at fault in this situation as you are, and I still think you’re doing a disservice to her by keeping this going, especially when you know it’s eventually going to have to end because you aren’t going to want to do this for the rest of your life.  The longer this takes you, the more she’s going to cry…. rather than just crying through her feelings of the breakup until she gets over it, she’ll cry every time you guys fight and then end up crying through her feelings of the breakup anyway when you’ve finally had enough. What you are doing now is just prolonging both of your suffering, so if you haven’t started counseling yet, I’d really, really suggest you do so and work on developing the strength to do what you know you need to do.

    #288059

    Valora
    Participant

    Your childhood and relationship with family absolutely can and usually does play a large role in future romantic relationships and friendships as an adult, so please definitely go into further details.

    #287903

    Valora
    Participant

    I really really want to just say “screw it” and just go for itt. I guess the fact that we’re practically strangers makes it very hard!

    Right, I can totally understand that, but you might be interested in him for good reason, right? With what you’ve described, you feel some sort of intuitive connection there, so that may be worth exploring even though you don’t know him well yet. You don’t have to go into it expecting a long-term relationship, but rather just a “maybe or maybe not… we’ll see” kind of expectation.

     

    But yes I do see your point, if someone takes interest in you and wants to get to know you, why wouldn’t they just do it, especially if we’ve already spoken.

    Here’s the question I’d ask….. you have spoken with him as much as he has spoken with you, correct? And you are here, still thinking about him, interested, and wondering if you should ask him out. Who is to say he is not doing the same thing? If this is the case, nothing will happen until one of you makes a move, and the notion that it HAS to be the guy or that if the guy doesn’t make a move, that must mean they aren’t interested is very outdated, in my opinion. Sometimes the guys are just as shy or afraid of being rejected as girls are, sometimes even more so.

    So… you can either wait for him to make a move, which he may or may not do, and risk wondering “what if” if he never gets the nerve…. OR… you can make the move yourself so that you can know for sure the “what if” and risk possible rejection. It’s up to you to figure out which risk you’re willing to take.

    I guess I’m just trying to figure out if it’s even worth putting myself out there to someone I barely know, or if I should forget and move on!

    What are the negatives that you see to putting yourself out there that might make it not worth it to you or how do you think it might effect you afterwards if it turns out he isn’t interested?

    #287763

    Valora
    Participant

    Even though rationally I recognise his reasons for not committing further is all about him – my self-esteem is suffering from the fact he doesn’t seem to want more than friendship despite the fact we were more before.

    I think this is totally understandable, but it’s possible that he didn’t realize that he wasn’t ready for a relationship or had things that he really should deal with first until he was in one and then he felt he needed to back off.  Has he said specifically what is going on in his personal life that he needs to deal with?

    It really sounds like he has some issues he needs to deal with because something is stopping him from moving forward, and I really doubt it has anything to do with you, even though you’d been more in the past. I hope he’s able to figure things out, but, in the meantime, I really think it’d be smart to back off, at least for a while. If he seems afraid and craving to be single yet is seeking constant companionship, he’s likely trying to distract himself from his problems rather than having to actually be alone and face them, which isn’t going to help him resolve them.  So continuing to be so close with him might actually enable him to keep spinning his wheels, if that makes any sense. Plus, it seems to be affecting you negatively emotionally, right? So it might be a good idea to just take a step back for a while, and you can always check in later and see how he’s doing.  I don’t think you have to cut him off cold turkey if you’re worried about that damaging your friendship. I’d just probably stop being so available to hang out and only catch up once in a while. You’re just really busy, you know?

    #287699

    Valora
    Participant

    With the way you’ve described things, I agree with your friends, it sort of sounds like he might like you too (given the way his friends are acting) but is too shy to make a move OR he could be feeling a little intimidated by you and thinking he’d get shot down.

    What if you just walked up and asked him if he’d like to go to a movie this weekend or maybe check out a new restaurant or something?  or if you know you both enjoy or have been meaning to try some activity in particular (like one of those painting classes for example), ask if he’d like to go do that with you?

    I think it’s definitely worth a shot. You’re right, it’s 2019 and perfectly acceptable for girls to ask guys out and I know plenty of guys who loooooove it when that happens (it takes the pressure off of them. lol). The worst that can happen is he will say no, and then he will be going to another school next semester anyway, so I’d say go ahead, build up some nerve, and go for it. At least that way you won’t always wonder “what if?”

    #287111

    Valora
    Participant

    Yes, he told me frankly that he does not want a committed relationship because he has too many personal issues to deal with at the moment. But then he contacts me 24/7 and wants to see me all the time. He behaves in a committed way (to an extent) so what gives?

    At the moment I think either 1) I tell him that if he still does want to be together romantically, it is best we cut off the connection for now or 2) Scale the ‘friendship’ way back to being more distant. I’m not sure how to do this without telling him this is what I am doing and why.

    I’m sad because I love this person but I feel this isn’t really good for me. I feel he’s having his cake and eating it.

    It seems you’ve made your decision in the post below this, but I want to respond to maybe help clear this up.  It sounds to me like he’s simply being honest in that he doesn’t seem to feel like he’d be able to handle a committed relationship right now. If that’s the case, it’s a good thing that he realizes that and expresses it to you because committed relationships DO come with a lot of extra responsibilities that you just don’t have when you’re single.  I can think of dozens of reasons why someone would stay out of a long-term relationship that have nothing to do with anyone else.

    It’s likely he’s calling you all the time and wanting to hang out (which are things you’d do if you were in a relationship) because he probably really does enjoy your company and likes to be around you.  That is sort of separate from his desire to NOT be in a relationship rather than going hand-in-hand like most people seem to think. Sometimes you can meet a really great person but just still not feel like you can commit for whatever reason, and that’s probably really specific to him and likely has little to do with any feelings he does or doesn’t have for you.

    So maybe don’t think of it as him “having his cake and eating it, too” (which, really, what else are you supposed to do with cake? haha)… but more like he just really enjoys your company and that’s it. It’s not necessarily a bad or wrong thing on his part, it just is what it is and he’s being open about it, which I think is good.

    Anyway, if what you’ve been doing is not enough for you, then I definitely agree that you should back off and not continue the friendship, because, even though it’s possible it could develop into something later on when he gets whatever issues out of the way, there are no guarantees that it will ever turn into more. If you continued the friendship, you’d have to be okay with that.  And who knows, your decision to move on with your life and date other people may spur some “fear of loss” into him and change his mind.

    #286955

    Valora
    Participant

    My advice to you would be to Google “letting go” and read anything that pops up that sounds interesting to you.  The things you might want to delve into are letting go of the end result… for example, if you don’t care about the end result one way or the other and know that if it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant for you, that helps take the anxiety away and you can care less about the frequency of texts, too, because if this guy isn’t right for you, there’s always the next one. Letting go of control is another one, even if you don’t feel like you have a controlling nature, we all like to have a bit of control over our own lives, and sometimes that need for control over one thing or another can cause us to act a bit desperate because we’re trying to gain control over the outcome… even when it’s one we can’t control, and then all of that trying tends to push the thing we want away instead of it drifting effortlessly towards us.   So that’s where I would start. It’s great that you’re feeling like getting out there and dating again but be careful not to rush yourself either.

    #286921

    Valora
    Participant

    I’m glad it finally hit you that you haven’t really been taking care of your own needs. That’s what I’ve been saying with the self-care. People don’t seem to get how important that is until all of the needs they’ve been neglecting finally blow up.

    So the next day rolls around.  Now we are back where we were again??  Now we are  “working on it” again.  I don’t understand this.

    I think you should really think about how you got back to where you are and you might be able to understand it a little better. If you weren’t firm with her, specifically saying that the relationship is over and that you do NOT want to work on things, then that’s how you got back where you are again. Were you firm and concrete during that conversation or did you bend and agree to work on it because you let your “big heart” get in the way?

    I know she will do absolutely anything to make me happy and to be with me.  That kills me.  This is what i’ve always wanted.  Someone to give them self to me like this.  This is exactly how I felt about my ex.  I would have done anything within my power that she asked of me.

    I wish i could feel the same about my girlfriend.

    Think about this for a second though…. it’s a nice thought, but it’s codependence. You were likely codependent with your ex, too. Codependence isn’t healthy for the exact reasons that her therapist told her… you put your partner’s needs above your own and your entire life tends to revolve around your partner. If you get some time, read up on codependency. There are lots of blogs, especially on Psychology Today’s website and Talkspace. My ex and I DID feel the same about each other and it still blew up in our faces because it isn’t a healthy way to be.

    Are you still seeking counseling, too? I really think you should both because of your views on and desire for codependence and because your “big heart” is NOT at all an asset to you right now, and I think it’s actually causing you to be avoidant and to make maladaptive decisions, so if you’re going to therapy, that’s definitely something you’ll want to talk to them about and work on. I had to do it for the same reasons, and I’m much better for it. This whole thing could’ve been done and over with 5 months ago and you wouldn’t have the added pain of now her son wanting to call you dad. If you wait any longer, it’s just going to keep getting harder for everyone involved.

    So yes, definitely write the letter, but maybe keep it more simple than you’re planning. If you feel like you need to list things, instead of saying they make you upset or unhappy, just say these are the things that are incompatible with your needs and are unfixable between the two of you.

    I am going to tell her that I was in love with her, but everything has killed that feeling.  That I do love her still, and that is why I keep giving in and telling her we will try.

    I would leave that part out, though. It gives her something to latch onto and makes it seem like the relationship is fixable because the love is still there. Just leave the word love out of breakups entirely.  Your wish to say that probably stems from your desire to make it less painful, right? But thinking someone loves you and still wants to leave you makes things more painful, in my opinion… and also makes the love seem a bit like a lie.  If she specifically asks you if you still do after she reads the letter, then you can say you do but I’d say not romantically, but other than that, just don’t even bring that up.

    I will tell her that I wish things were different, but they aren’t.  That it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.

    (side note: that is what my ex told me after we broke up, I never understood it until now.)

    I’d also leave out the “it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.” My ex said that to me too and it’s SUPER frustrating and also patronizing. How did you feel when your ex said that to you?  They likely both said it just to lesson their own guilt and to make the breakup sound better, but it doesn’t, really, does it? Even if you understand it later? In the moment, it doesn’t help, so I’d just leave that out.

    I would also hand write the letter and hand it to her directly, have her read it in front of you. Be FIRM, CONCRETE. Leave no doubt. If she seems in denial, just keep reaffirming to her that things are over, no matter how bad that makes you feel. If she begs you to work on it, simply say no. You do not want to work on it.

     

    I have a few questions….

    If she stays with you, is there room for you two to sleep separately?

    How are your kids going to feel about you seeing them less because of this? Wouldn’t letting your girlfriend stay and seeing your kids less in the meantime be putting your girlfriend’s needs over your kids? I suppose it’d be fine if your kids don’t care either way, but it’s possible they’ll feel slighted by it, and they should be your priority. So definitely something to think about.

    #286377

    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with Mark and Anita… and no matter whether he is your first your your 10th, no matter how much experience you have, if you only want to be with the person you are in love with in that way, then no amount of experience is going to make you want a threesome.

    I can see how you’d feel attached to him and the thought of letting go of him might make you feel uneasy, but I really think you’d be better off finding someone with values similar to your own. This guy will not be able to treat you in the way you deserve and, given what he’s said to you, it’s not likely that he will ever change.

    #286375

    Valora
    Participant

    What I’ve noticed is that many of the members make judgements about me, without even having had a conversation with me. I dress like an investment banker, it makes people who are more comfortable in jeans and T-shirts feel differently. The level of speech (my vocabulary and complexity) are higher than most, again people feel uncomfortable. The fact that I have a very assertive and self-confident walk and mannerisms, irks others. If they actually sat down with me they would see that “condescending” aura shrink, but people would rather believe what they want to believe.

    My take on all of this is that you cannot control people’s perceptions of how they see smartly dressed, accomplished people who use complex vocabularies. If you are generally friendly and don’t speak in a way that makes it sound like you believe those who are dressed down and speak in more conversational terms are “less than,” or inferior to you, then you are likely just being lumped in with a stereotype. I’ve come across quite a few people who absolutely do use their “million dollar words” to make people feel inferior in conversations, and I think those are the people who give others who are simply being their brilliant selves a bad name. The way you dress and speak may also make you seem a bit “uptight,” which can come off as arrogant. If you wish to not be seen as condescending, it might be worth it to dress down a little bit (however many of the other members of that club dress) and use normal conversational speech rather than your complex vocabulary, which may make you seem more relatable. However, I would really suggest that you just continue to be yourself, get to know those who are willing to get to know you, and pay no mind to those who don’t understand you….

    …but maybe, at least for a little while, pay close attention to how people react to your words in conversation. Their facial expressions and body language responses, especially. Notice any changes that happen immediately after you say certain things. That will tell you a lot on whether you’re saying or doing things that are putting people off and what those things are.

    #285541

    Valora
    Participant

    I really do feel like I’m going to destroy this woman and her kids.

    This line of thinking is not helping you in any way, John. This is you trying to take 100% of the responsibility when no one and I mean NO ONE forced her to move in with you. SHE chose to move in with you and stay in this relationship, even though she’s known for most of the relationship that she has been coming in second to your ex. She is the one who is responsible for the position she’s in because she put herself there.  You know what I mean?  If she gets destroyed, it’s due to her own choices… just like your feelings are due to yours.

    Aside from that, the only thing that blaming yourself is doing is making you drag this on because you feel bad (and your mind is likely coming up with every excuse that it can to try and avoid or put off the conversation because it’s going to be uncomfortable, right?), but dragging this out is likely to make things worse in the long run, especially if there is a window of opportunity right now where she may be able to move back into her old place with her brother now that he’s single again.  She needs to be able to see if she can do that before that window of opportunity closes.  Then hopefully that will lead to her just getting that place back for herself at some point.

    #285475

    Valora
    Participant

    If it were me, I would just let her know that you’re there for her whenever she needs you or wants to talk/vent but that you’re going to give her her space, too, in case she doesn’t feel like talking and then just leave it at that and check in maybe once a day or every couple days (whatever is regular for you guys) to see how she’s doing.

    I know you want to take her pain away, but it’s actually really important that she feels it right now because that’s how she’ll eventually be able to let it go. Breakups suck, but they can be great catalysts for change in a positive way, so just let her feel her pain and sit with it for a bit and be there for her when she needs you, and that’ll help her more than even cheering her up will in the long term.

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