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Valora

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  • #269623

    Valora
    Participant

    I guess its the fact that we are on bad terms and we tried to be friends and he couldn’t do that either he just ghosted and so i feel like thats what’s upsetting me. That we cant be in each others lives what so ever and i cant even ask how hes doing every once in a while. Im cool with all my ex friends and boyfriends i dont like to just cut people off and pretend i never knew them, but he does. So..

    This might just be teaching you a lesson that life wants you to learn…. that sometimes you just have to let people go, whether you want to or not. You did what you could and it’s him that doesn’t want the contact, so just work on detaching from him altogether and if he reaches out to you in the future, after some time, continue the friendly relationship then.

    Your mind wants to hold onto him because you’re attached. Talking to him makes you feel good and releases “happy” chemicals into your body, so your mind wants more… it’s like an addiction… but as soon as you’re able to detach from him more and find that happy feeling in other things and other people, you won’t feel such a need to want to talk to him and it won’t feel so painful.

    #269619

    Valora
    Participant

    Reina, if I were you, given the short timeline of your relationship, I would just let this one go completely. Sometimes they say they want to be friends just because they feel like it softens the blow and other times they do mean it, but it’s kind of hard to stay friends with an ex, especially so soon after a breakup. Being friends right now wouldn’t be helpful for you either, since you’re currently having trouble letting go. Talking to him often would likely only make you want to hold onto him even more, so it’s usually best to wait until you’re completely over someone before maintaining a friendship.

    #269607

    Valora
    Participant

    If there is one thing I’ve learned over my own relationship failures, it’s to not expect anything on a certain timeline if you love and want to be with a certain man. People have their own timelines for when they’re comfortable doing things and it’s important to know that you can’t expect someone to change their timeline just based on social norms of what should happen by when. So if his personal timeline of when he wants to move forward doesn’t line up with yours, you’ll know it’s time to reevaluate where the relationship is going and probably have a talk with him about it.  If you love him enough to sort of throw social norms aside and be happy with things just as they are for however long they may be this way (and it may be forever if he’s afraid of long-term, serious commitment), then I wouldn’t worry too much about when things are usually supposed to happen… but if these steps forward are really important to you, then that’s something you probably need to talk to him about and just let him know that you DO “just want to be with him,” but you also want something deeper with him.  With that kind of commitment comes a greater feeling of security, so it’s totally understandable why you would want that.

    • This reply was modified 4 hours, 3 minutes ago by  Valora.
    #269597

    Valora
    Participant

    I should also add on that if he is having a really difficult time over personal issues in his life that this behavior may be a result of, I would factor that in, too. Definitely still talk to him about how this makes you feel, but if it’s something that would likely stop altogether once his personal issues resolve, that’s something to factor in if you reevaluate the relationship, but also, in that case, he should also get counseling or possibly some sort of help to resolve the personal issues faster, depending on what they are and if he has any.

    #269585

    Valora
    Participant

    I would first talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel, that you feel like you’re being yelled at a lot and it makes you feel uncomfortable, like you can’t share everything with him. If he yells at you during this discussion or does not take you seriously or does not resolve to try to catch himself when he does it and stop doing it (don’t expect a blunt change because it’s probably habit, but habits can be broken over time), then I would seriously reevaluate whether you truly want to stay with this man or not. It’s no fun to be constantly yelled at, and I’m guessing you wouldn’t want to keep going through this for the rest of your life, so if the behavior is talked about and still continues regularly, then the relationship is likely going nowhere good, unfortunately.

    #269219

    Valora
    Participant

    Good for you for focusing on your girlfriend! And good luck on the getaway trip!  Maybe doing things like that more often will help you feel better about everything, too, because you love doing those things so much. I hope both you and your girlfriend have a great time! Enjoy it!

    #269189

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Valora, thank you for your words. I know I’ve been selfish, and I’ve been only paying attention to my needs. However,  all these uncertainties are driving me crazy as i don’t know when we can get married together given my age. The possibility of giving birth at the age of 35/36 scares me. I know plenty of women gave birth to wonderful and wholesome kids at late 30s, but it is still pretty risky with all the possible complications. Having said that, I love him. It is just so complicated…

    So it seems that it’s not necessarily being married by a certain time that you’re worried about but having a baby by a certain age, right? I can see why that would be a concern.  I’m 36 now and single but I already have 2 kids and don’t want more, so I think it’s easier for me to be patient in that case. Biologically speaking, though, you’re right that, as age increases, so does the potential for complications.  I have quite a few friends who are pregnant at this age and doing well, too, but I don’t think I would want to get pregnant this late either.

    So…. my advice is this…. this diagnosis just happened recently, right? So, if you truly do feel that you love him and want to be with him, then I would take a step back for a few more months (as many months as you can) and see how things go once things settle. Try to relax on any expectations or worries about the whats and whens of the future… at least for a little while. That is what is causing your anxiety and frustration so if you can relax on your expectations and worries, those feelings will relax too. Be supportive of your boyfriend and what he is going through as much as possible and just kind of roll with what is happening in your lives right now as best you can.  After several months, once every one gets over the initial shock of everything and they get a better feel for how his chemo is going, then see how things look. It’s possible that, by then, your boyfriend might be feeling better about moving out of the house if his parents are handling things at their house okay.  If he still isn’t willing to move out for the foreseeable future and you don’t think you can wait, then you two need to have a serious talk about your relationship. Right now, though, he’s resolved to stay with his parents and I can see why, and because of the gravity of the situation with his dad, I doubt he would truly be able to focus on a conversation like that at the moment and have it end up in a way that would be beneficial to your relationship. So it really is best to just try to stay calm, supportive, and see if things settle a little bit.

    Also… selfishness may be human nature to a point, but that doesn’t make it any less harmful or more acceptable in situations like this. Sometimes selfishness is okay when it comes to self-care, but this is a situation where your boyfriend is going to need as much emotional support as he can get, and that’s a time for selflessness. And once his father does pass, it’s most definitely going to affect him in a different way, where he is going to need even more emotional support… and if his father passed now, so soon after his diagnosis, it would definitely add a shock factor that would affect him for a very long time and would most likely impact your relationship due to the impact it would have on him. I know you’re not proud of wishing for that, but it’s also a wish that would make things even worse for everyone, including you, if it came true.

    #269117

    Valora
    Participant

    Claire, I really think you need to put yourself in his shoes. What would you do if one of your parents or someone you were really close to was diagnosed with cancer? Your boyfriend is no doubt going through a LOT right now, and part of the job of a girlfriend and especially a wife is to be understanding of that and to put your own wants aside when things like this happen. It sounds like you are thinking more about how all of this is affecting you rather than how your boyfriend’s father’s illness is affecting him, and that is where most of your anxiety is coming from.

    Life events don’t always happen on a desired timeline and things will come up that disrupt plans. When truly serious things like this come up, empathy is so, so very important. You just have to be as supportive and understanding as you can while he gets through this, which means putting your plans on the backburner. If you can’t do that and keep pushing him to put your wishes over his dying father’s, it’s likely you’re going to lose him. If you CAN be supportive and put HIS needs over yours, this is your chance to show him what a wonderful and supportive wife you could be.

    As far as his mom, I’m sure they will figure that out. Chances are they will sell the bigger house and move her into a smaller place, but that’s for them to decide later on, when the time comes.

    #269113

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, if it was right around the time your girlfriend contacted  your ex-girlfriend, the ex was probably upset that she was contacted. I would be super annoyed if any of my ex’s girlfriends contacted me because it wouldn’t be ME they need to have the talk with, it’s their boyfriend. So if you think that’s what she wanted to talk to you about, it probably was.

    It’s hard to say why she would unblock you on Facebook. It could’ve been just her trying to see who your girlfriend was after your girlfriend contacted her or it could’ve been something else entirely. That’s probably not a question you’ll get an answer to without directly asking, so I would just accept it as just a random thing that happened and try to move on from it.

    #269063

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Sophie. My ex broke up with me for pretty much the same reason, although it seems he was also going through a depressive episode and had a lot of personal, emotional, and physical issues he’d been going through at the time and I was not the only person he pushed away at the time, so I’m sure that contributed. But overall, it was basically that he was unhappy with his life as it was and needed to change it and couldn’t do that while he was with me (and I’m sure he blamed me for part of his unhappiness while in that depressive state, whether I was actually a cause or not, just because I was the one he was closest to, so his relationship with me needed to change, too). Otherwise, we had a happy, loving relationship. But he wanted to go, so I let him go. That was a little over a year ago.

    I tell you this because sometimes that’s really the reason…. he just really needs a change and to figure out whatever it is that makes him happy. Your boyfriend is 22, right? Just out of college. He knows his life is about to change in general and he’s probably not completely sure what he wants to do with himself and he’s probably slightly panicking and maybe wants to explore what he wants outside of everything else he’s known in the past (which includes you).  The only thing you can do at this point is to just let him go. Don’t let him put you on the back-burner and don’t wait around for him.  The quicker you can move forward and do your own exploring, too, the better. Take this time to learn new things, pick up some new hobbies, meet new people, and figure out what you really want, too, and if you really are meant to be together, you will find your way back to each other when the time is right… after both of you have had a chance to grow and know more of what you want, what makes you happy, and also once he feels more confident in his life in general. Time apart to grow individually can sometimes really strengthen relationships, no matter how long that time ends up being, but don’t rule out other options. He’s all you’ve ever known, too, so for all you know, there could be someone out there that could be an even better fit for you than he was… you just might not have met him yet.

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 1 hour ago by  Valora.
    • This reply was modified 5 days, 1 hour ago by  Valora.
    #268877

    Valora
    Participant

    I got into a pattern for a long time where I would chase a guy I was interested in if he started to back off. Then, when I looked back, even when I did end up getting the guy, those relationships never turned out well or lasted long. That act of chasing was me trying to control the situation to get those guys that I wanted, when I really should’ve just let go because they weren’t the right ones for me in the first place. Could’ve saved myself a lot of emotional turmoil if I would’ve just let them go in the first place.

    So now if someone shows interest and then backs off, I just let them back off. I would rather be with someone who clearly shows their interest, and I know there are people like that out there so I don’t feel bad about waiting for that. So if that’s what you’re looking for, too, hold out for the guy who treats you how you want to be treated. Any other guy, no matter how great he may seem, is just the wrong one.

    #268871

    Valora
    Participant

    John, I totally agree with Anita that this thread is keeping you stuck. Commenting here has even drawn me a little backwards in dealing with my feelings for my ex, so I am going to back off on commenting, too, because I agree that it’s hurting more than it’s helping.

    I also like the example she used because people really do often do this same kind of pining with material items they think they just HAVE to have to be happy and then once they get them, they find they are happy for a bit and then their feelings level back to their baseline. Think about something you might have done that with in the past and how you felt once you got it and for how long.

    It really is just the FEELINGS she gave you that you are after, and I totally believe it’s possible to find that connection with someone else and those feelings in other things. So while you don’t have to give up the hope of feeling like that again at some point, you should give up the desire to find those feelings specifically with your ex. She isn’t the only channel that you can get those feelings through.

    I honestly think, instead of venting here, you should consider going back to counseling where you can have an active dialogue with someone in person who can help you figure out what techniques will work for you…. maybe even a counselor who can give some classical conditioning techniques to help retrain your pattern of thought… OR maybe just not talking about it with anyone for a little while might help.

    • This reply was modified 6 days ago by  Valora.
    #268783

    Valora
    Participant

    I apologize. I didn’t mean it as a challenge and was more asking about clarification on your thoughts, but I do disagree with your thought on it not being a good idea to challenge other members’ replies. If a statement could lead a person to think negatively in a way that might not be true or necessary, wouldn’t that be important to point out in the thread so that the original poster (or other readers going through similar situations) could consider that as well?

    In the future, though, if my opinion differs from yours specifically, I will direct my concerns toward the original poster rather than mentioning you by name or will PM you if that makes more sense in the context. I am only responding here because you responded here rather than sending me a direct message.

    #268751

    Valora
    Participant

    Anita, is it fair to assume she’s “hiding” the fact that she has a boyfriend or did she just not mention it? I think there is a difference.  One is deceitful and the other is just leaving out information that isn’t necessary for whatever reason.  If she does not want to be with her ex, it wouldn’t matter whether she has a boyfriend or not, so that information is irrelevant when it comes to her interest (or lack thereof) in the ex.

    #268703

    Valora
    Participant

    I think the bottom line here is either you trust what she tells you or you don’t. If you don’t think you can trust her, the relationship won’t last no matter what you do, whether she’s trustworthy or not, because the insecurity you feel will eventually drive a wedge in the relationship.

    Speaking as an independent female myself, I am friends with most of my ex’s. I would not want to be with anyone that would ask that I cut one or all of them out of my life because, for one, that would basically be him telling me who I can or cannot talk to, which I would not at all appreciate, and, for two, I truly have no residual feelings for the ones that I still talk to, so there’s no reason for anyone to feel threatened by them.

    If your girlfriend’s ex is trying to get her back and she is refusing, I would believe what she says. If she wanted to be with him, it’s clear that she could, but she is choosing to be with you.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 77 total)