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Valora

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  • #308627

    Valora
    Participant

    I don’t think it’s as much as she loves me, loves me not but just the pain and never getting the real closure i needed.  Never understanding why i wasn’t good enough for her to try, why she was just done in what felt like over a weekend(even though i have realized that it was something that was probably coming that she didn’t allow me to see or me see myself (an example is towards the end i told her I felt like i was losing her and she told me she wasn’t going anywhere), she just kept it to herself instead of talking to me about it and that too makes me have questions.  Yes i do wonder at times if there is anything left there even tho she seems happier than ever with her life and boyfriend now.

    I can’t help that thinking.  I really do try to focus on my situation and position that me, my girlfriend, and our kids are in and how to fix it.  I can’t get those other thoughts out of my head.  I battle so hard with myself almost everyday.  I actually was screaming at myself today in my truck on the way to a job.  It’s like a contaminant in my brain that i can’t get rid of no matter how much I try to forget about that and worry about other issues i have that are critical in my life right now.

    That’s the issue, though, John, you CAN help that thinking, but you’re keeping yourself in a loop of reinforcing that line of thinking and feeling like you need closure rather than actually allowing yourself to get over it. You don’t NEED closure and you’re likely not going to get the closure you want or the answers you want, so you have to find a way to move on without them. You’re kind of making the breakup about you and what you did or didn’t do rather than what she was internalizing, which is much more likely the reason for the breakup… her internalizing everything at the time rather than communicating. That likely had nothing to do with you. So the closure you’re hoping for and the answers you want likely don’t even exist because what you’re convincing yourself was the problem (if only I would’ve done this or that) likely was NOT the problem. I think it would help you a lot if you would let that just sink in deep and keep reinforcing it… say it over and over… “this situation had nothing to do with my worth and what I did or didn’t do… it was whatever she was going through and there was nothing I could do about that.”   When people start internalizing things, you can’t MAKE them communicate, no matter how badly you want them to. They have to be the ones to do it. There’s likely nothing you could’ve really done different. Let this be your closure.

    You have to change your line of thinking but it’s also going to take some time. Just keep reaffirming to yourself that this happened for a reason, you couldn’t have prevented it, it likely had little to do with you and your worth, and that you have all the closure you really need and eventually it will seep in and you’ll stop going in circles.

    #308455

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Bunnymac,

    I can see how depression would make it hard to do things and even have the desire too, but it’s been proven to help, and even if it just helps a little bit, it will get you moving forward toward feeling better. Even if you start really small. Get outside into nature if you can and just sit and enjoy the sounds and sights. I know it’s really, really hard to do when you’re in the middle of it, but take small steps. Would you be able to see a counselor?

    #308361

    Valora
    Participant

    I totally agree with what Anita is saying here. This man will keep repeating these cycles of blissful beginnings to then running away until he, himself, fixes whatever he feels he needs saved from. They may be feeling blissful now (honeymoon stage… it isn’t real), but their relationship is likely to go the same way yours did. It definitely has nothing to do with your worth or the next girl’s worth or anything comparing you two. It’s him and his issues.

    I would take this time to work on your feelings about yourself, though. Figure out what makes you feel less than (other than the blow to your ego, which will naturally heal over time) and work on that. Figure out things that might make you feel better about yourself… maybe a new hobby, learning something you’ve always wanted to learn, new hair cut/style, etc. And learn to appreciate all of the good things about yourself…. we all have our bad things. All of us (even the new girl). But we also have plenty of good things that far outshine any bad.  I’m sure you have lots and lots of qualities and values that make you worth your weight in gold.

    #307777

    Valora
    Participant

    What i don’t understand is if i am afraid to be alone or need that comfort of someone, then why can’t i embrace my girlfriend now and let her love me like she wants to?

    I also want to comment on this… you can’t embrace your girlfriend and let her love you like she wants to because you do not feel the same about her. She isn’t your match. She thinks she’s your match because she’s very codependent on your love. That’s not a healthy thing to be.

    I also kind of disagree with Anita’s last post on where your feelings are likely coming from because your situation and mine are very, very similar when it comes to our exes, but our childhoods were VASTLY different. Could not have been more different, and yet we have similar feelings/experiences with our exes. I also was single for 10 years before I dated my ex and now have been single for almost 2 years, so it’s definitely not that I fear being alone either (and I get plenty of comfort from my kiddos and my close-knit family), so if that is the case for me and yet I am also still having this attachment to my ex that I can’t seem to break, your childhood past probably isn’t the problem for you either.  I totally get what she’s saying about feeling activation and I do think that’s true in some cases, but this really is a different sort of thing.

    Anyway, it’s been almost 2 years and I still think about my ex every day. I do not allow it to consume me, but it very easily could if I let it. I also miss him dearly, and my mind also wants to think he is THE ONE, likely because I haven’t found anyone else yet that I have a similar connection with that comes even close to what I felt with him. So I get what you’re feeling. I just remind myself often that there are lots of guys that I haven’t met yet and my mind doesn’t know my connection with those guys. You might want to try reminding yourself that there are millions of women that you haven’t met yet, too. Your mind doesn’t REALLY know, even though it thinks it does. And it’s okay to love your ex and to think she’s special to you, but just remain open to other possibilities. That’s the key.

    At any rate, I think this is less to do with anything from your past and more to do with the fact that you felt a consummate type of love with this woman, which is rare, and your mind is convinced that you will not ever find that type of love and feeling in another person. Your mind is wrong. It’s out there. It’s just hard to find, and staying in your current situation is keeping you from being available to find it, so that’s also likely why you’re feeling hopeless.

    #307765

    Valora
    Participant

    John, did you see my post? What do you think about couples counseling? It may help you get out of the situation you’re in, and the counselor may have resources to help your girlfriend financially and with housing. They may know of resources that you two don’t know about.

    Also, why would it cost her $2500 to move? Did it cost that much for her to move to your place?

    I do see that excitement you were talking about.  That longing i have.  Maybe it’s not for my ex, but just that feeling.  but if that is the case, why do i think just about her, her face, her smile, her touch.  I didn’t need to go on trips and have fun with her.  With her i would have been more than willing to be more broke than i am now just to take care of her so we could live together.

    It IS just the feeling you want. You are only thinking about her because your mind is attaching her to that feeling, like she’s the only way to get that feeling.  It’s made you a bit codependent when it comes to her (you’d be willing to be in an extremely unhealthy and stressful financial situation just to be with her), just as your current girlfriend is with you. Your ex isn’t the only way to get that feeling… but she is all your mind knows at the moment. It’s likely going to take a new person, the right person, to change your mind’s position on that.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 10 hours ago by  Valora.
    #307703

    Valora
    Participant

    I feel so sorry for those poor kids. I am also an empathetic, intuitive introvert, so I get how they would feel, and his family making them feel bad about being themselves (and likely acting like normal kids their age do, depending on how old they are) will only push them further away. Honestly, I’m not sure what you can do in this situation short of leaving the guy, because it sounds like it’s him and his family that needs to change their behavior. Maybe couples counseling? But that would only work if he could see how his words and actions are affecting his family (i.e., be willing to take the blame).

    Have you told your husband how you and your kids are feeling and how it’s affecting you? You have been married for 18 years. Has it always been this way or is this behavior relatively new?

    #307663

    Valora
    Participant

    I’ve been in this situation before. It was when I was about your age, too. I met a guy on a message board and we started talking a lot. We were only 7 days apart in age, had a lot in common, and became best friends for several years. We talked to each other about everything. I think it’s very easy to develop an emotional connection with someone in this way, especially when you are having such good conversations all day, every day. You build up a trust and an attachment to them that easily can develop into romantic feelings. I’m telling you this basically because I hope you won’t feel so embarrassed. It’s a completely normal thing that happens to a lot of people who develop friendships online.

    Would the distance be a barrier to you in real life? I saw in your other comment that you live several states away and won’t really have enough money to visit each other, so, in that case, it sort of doesn’t matter whether you tell him how you feel or not, because a relationship where you never see each other won’t work and it’s also possible that you may not have the same sort of feeling in person as you do with him online. If you think backing off from talking to him would help you, I would do that. In my situation, I was able to just sort of remind myself it wouldn’t work because we live too far apart and was able to back off my own feelings in that way.

    #307651

    Valora
    Participant

    What do you think about you two going to couples counseling? I don’t mean going with the intention of working things out…. but if you go with the intention of getting a counselor to help her see that you are serious and helping her move from denial to acceptance. The counselor could mediate your conversations and back you up with your feelings and getting her to see that you mean what you say and the relationship is over. That way, too, when she goes into the “poor me” talk, a counselor would be there to redirect her thinking.  Be honest and direct if/when you go, talking about the money issues, the fighting, the guilt, dragging things out, the mental struggles/stress, etc.

    You’ve already told her straight out that you’re in love with your ex, so that won’t work. She’s known that basically for the entirety of your relationship and she doesn’t seem to care. She’s codependent and in denial, so she’s likely going to need professional help to be able to detach. Even if it’s just a couple sessions with a couples therapist to get the ball rolling.

    A counselor/therapist might also have resources that you two haven’t thought about or don’t know about to help get her out and back on her feet, too.

    This situation certainly has been one heck of a learning experience for you, and it’s good in that way. But it’ll be better once you’re out of it. And I fully believe you won’t even be able to start to really get over your ex until you are out of this situation because the contrast between your current relationship and previous one is so stark… you can’t help but think about how great that one felt because this one feels so terrible. It seems like the vast majority of your problems is coming from your current relationship, so I would get couples counseling to help get out of it and also go to counseling alone so that you can help yourself heal from all of the things you’ve been through.

    And please don’t feel you have to avoid this forum. I’m here to talk to, too. I think Anita just wants you to push yourself to take action because you’ve been sort of spinning your wheels for almost a year now.

    #307587

    Valora
    Participant

    Is it possible that some of your tenseness could be coming from the fact that you don’t feel the same or as comfortable as the other people around you and it might feel like something is wrong with you? If you are introverted, I think it’s pretty normal to feel anxiety when you have an event coming up. I get that feeling, too, even though I know it’s with people I know well and generally feel comfortable around, I still feel anxious leading up to the event. I think that part is normal.

    If your focus is on the fact that you don’t feel upbeat and happy and you feel resistant to the fact that you naturally have a more introverted/anxious situation, that can create more resistance… fighting against who you are makes you feel even worse, and that could be part of what is making you feel so much tension, especially if you’re focusing on the fact that you DON’T feel upbeat and happy… focusing on what you don’t want makes you feel more of it. Does that make sense or is any of this resonating with you?

    If possible, I would talk to a counselor. They can help you work through your feelings of anxiety, teach you tools to be able to handle those feelings in order to feel more comfortable, and help you work through any blocks you may have that may be keeping you from being able to truly connect with people.

    #307475

    Valora
    Participant

    How are things going, John?

    #307473

    Valora
    Participant

    I know she has a choice but that doesn’t mean she’ll feel comfortable saying no to your face, because she might not want to hurt your feelings.  I really think it’s possible that she has no intention of going, based on what you’ve said… even though she told you yes. Time will tell, though.  If she contacts you before the trip, saying she wants to go, then that means she wants to go.

    #307471

    Valora
    Participant

    But it is still an advice, she can choose to proceed but it might hurt herself. Friends help each other and give advice to each other

    Friends do give advice to each other, but it’s important to do that only when asked. Otherwise it is unsolicited advice, and that’s not so often well received, especially when it comes to a choice someone has made. It can make the other person feel resentment toward you, so when the friendship is already rocky, it’s best to just keep your opinions to yourself unless she asks for your advice.

    #307467

    Valora
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    Could it be that I am not getting used to her new lifestyle?

    She mention that it is her circle of friends that she is seeing someone. But I did told her to move on before proceeding on, I feel that she is rushing herself from being single.

    It could be that you are not used to it. She is distancing herself now, though, and you need to just let her because there really isn’t anything you can say to change it. When you push someone and try to hold onto their friendship tightly, it only ends up pushing them further away so she probably would have no desire to be friends with you again later on if you don’t just let her go now. The only thing you can do now that will not damage your friendship further is to let her go. She will come back later if you two are meant to be friends.

    She might be rushing herself from being single, but that isn’t something you can protect her from. It’s a decision she has to make on her own and find out for herself whether it was right or wrong.

     

    #307463

    Valora
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    i asked her about the trip and she said it is still on and I even asked her if the person she is seeing is ok with us proceeding with the trip which she says yes.

    What I’m saying is she probably was not being truthful when she said yes. If she is avoiding you, that means she does not want to go. She probably feels bad saying it to your face, so when you ask her directly, she says yes even though she means no and doesn’t actually want to go.

    #307431

    Valora
    Participant

    I should totally stop texting her or can I still have casual chats at times? We used to text almost everyday.

    I still don’t understand the meaning of seeing someone.

    Hi Barry,

    If all of these posts are about the same girl, I would stop texting altogether unless she texts you first.  I have many friends I used to text almost every day that eventually drifted apart and we don’t text at all anymore. It’s pretty common for that to happen. I have one guy friend in particular who was my best friend for about 6 years, we texted each other all day long, and then eventually one of us started seriously dating someone else, and we basically stopped talking for a while. More recently, we’ve started talking again. So, again, this sort of thing happens all the time and you just sort of have to let it happen.

    “Seeing someone” just means they are dating each other. Either boyfriend/girlfriend now or will likely eventually be boyfriend/girlfriend if they decide they like each other enough to commit to each other. So she is dating this guy.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  Valora.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 314 total)