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Valora

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  • #326795

    Valora
    Participant

    My mom was almost 40 when she started dating my stepdad, and they are happily married. I mean they have their annoyances with each other, of course… they’re both retired so they spend most of their time together and any couple would get annoyed at times, but they have a great relationship, are very considerate and respectful of each other, and do lots of fun things together.

    I found and dated who I thought was the love of my life in my mid 30s. We didn’t end up working out, likely due to a slew of separate personal things that bombarded each of us, but I’m sharing to say my age didn’t stop me from finding love, and our relationship was really good during the time we were together.

    I know quite a few people who have found their husbands and wives in the 30s and 40s and some even older than that, so I say just take this time to enjoy your freedom.  There are so many benefits to being single that I think get overlooked because society in general is so pushy about having a relationship, so take this time to really get into some good hobbies, do fun things, etc., while you’re in a period of your life where you really don’t have to worry about anyone else. And I believe you’ll know it when you meet the right person, especially if you’re happy being single and are in no rush to get coupled up. That’s when you can afford to be more choosy so that you DO end up in a relationship with a good match for you so that you may be happy together.

    #326721

    Valora
    Participant

    You’re welcome, Clara! I’m glad you’re feeling better!

    #326645

    Valora
    Participant

    My issue now, as petty as it sounds, is I can’t stop feeling this hatred towards him for lying, and getting away with lying. He’s become the perfect boyfriend, to show everyone that he couldn’t possibly be a liar, and that I am the deranged one. I’m not as shocked by his behaviour as I am about how disgusted I am. I want to go back to a place where his lies- or any of his actions- don’t affect me.

    I think your anger/hatred/disgust is justified in this case, as he has definitely done things to deserve that reaction. I’ve learned, though, that it helps to get rid of anger by looking at all of the possible sources.  For instance, I was really mad at my ex for a long time because of the things he did after he ended our relationship, and, like you, I didn’t want to waste the energy on being mad at him and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just let it go. So I started digging deeper for other reasons why I may be so angry and realized I was actually more angry with myself. Sometimes we can get mad at ourselves without realizing it when someone makes us feel like a fool or drags us into drama that we don’t want to be involved in, and our anger for the other person can sort of hide this anger we have for ourselves, so if you dig deeper and realize you’re angry with yourself for your part in getting into the drama… and we can even be mad at ourselves for irrational things we couldn’t possibly have known the result of beforehand, like being mad at yourself for ever dating him in the first place… if you figure out exactly what you’re angry about when it comes to your part in things and you can forgive yourself, especially if there is a lesson there you can learn so you don’t find yourself in that situation again if possible… I’ve found that lessens quite a bit of the anger.

    The rest of the anger you feel for him will lessen over time. You just have to sort of feel it when it comes and let it pass on through. As time passes, thinking of it will upset you less and less.

    As for him and his girlfriend, I would do your best to just detach from them and their situation completely. You did your part in telling her what he did, and I think it was a good thing for you to tell her because she deserved to know, especially since it had been an ongoing thing of him saying he missed you while he was with her. She is the one who then chose to eventually disregard when you said. That will likely blow up in her face later on, and that will be her fault and something she’ll need to come to terms with then. He may be acting perfect now, but he is very clearly not perfect, so he will only be able to keep up the act for so long. Please rest assured of that.

    So in order to get back to that place where his lies and actions don’t affect you, cut him (and her) out of your life completely, don’t let them back in, and then just give yourself time to heal, be patient with your feelings, and the anger will eventually dissipate.

    #326163

    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with Anita. It’s appalling that he didn’t at least offer to pay you back, even just a little at a time, for the mattress that you had to go buy AND the fact that he seems like it should be no big deal and that you should’ve just brushed it off basically without apology or him trying to make it up to you.  This is bigger than him just peeing on a mattress and you “overracting.”  This is a lack of respect and decency on his part and shows how irresponsible he is. He didn’t show you any understanding at all, even after he sobered up.  I get what it’s like to not be able to afford to replace things, but there are other ways to make it up… run errands for you, do extra chores to make things easier on you for a while, do a few extra jobs to make spare money or sell some things and then pay you back. He should have apologized very sincerely. He put zero effort into any of that and instead complained to his friends who, of course, all agreed because they are probably alcoholics as well.

    I feel like you’re feeling bad right now because it’s essentially a new break up, you dated for 2 years so you have an attachment to this man, and it’s going to take some time for you to detach, and that process always feels pretty bad. After that, though, you’ll likely view this situation clearly and be thankful it ended.

    #325911

    Valora
    Participant

    I feel like 17 is awful young for people to be shocked that you’ve never been in a relationship, but I also know how people are so it’s not surprising. My niece turned 16 several months ago and just recently got her first boyfriend, and many of her friends have never dated anyone, so you’re really not too far behind. There’s definitely nothing wrong with you for not having dated yet.

    Do you feel comfortable talking to new people or do you tend to be shy or not know what to say? Are there a lot of people your age that you haven’t met in your area?

    #325839

    Valora
    Participant

    My fear is that myself is not enough – because that’s pretty much what’s been shown to me so far. Maybe that is why I wish I was not myself – wish I could see multiple people at the same time, without being bogged down by useless feelings (which, quite paradoxically, are a hindrance in finding love). I would like to be more ruthless, and I should very well able to be so considering my past – but somehow I am unable to.

    Hi White Desann!

    I think the others have given you really good advice, but I read something from you that I want to touch on specifically, which is the quote above.

    I think it’s important to recognize that successful relationships aren’t about being “enough” and failures aren’t about being “not enough.” It’s all about matches… do the two people in this couple truly match up well in the most important ways or not?  when they don’t, they break up. You’ve been shown that “myself is not enough” so far because the ones you’ve dated haven’t been the right matches. If you aren’t the right match for them, they also aren’t the right match for you. Being more ruthless wouldn’t be the right step for you because it isn’t who you are, and being ruthless attracts a type of woman that would not match well with who you are. That’s why it’s so important to be exactly who you are because that’s the only way you’ll ever attract and date a true match. When you find that, that’s when the relationship will work much better than you’ve experienced in the past. As Marge and Anita said above, there are definitely plenty of women who would find your qualities attractive (once you regain confidence in who you are and project that), so it just takes patience and conversations with new people until you find a good match.

    #325355

    Valora
    Participant

    thank you marge, What did you do to ease your emotions and feelings when you went through your break up? I really feel crazy at times like nothing calms me. i dont want to sound weak are crazy but its a awful feeling. i know i need to push forward but going through the process is not easy.

    Hi Chantel,

    I think you just need to give yourself time. You’re attached to this man and you need to give yourself time to detach… detaching is painful so we tend to want to DO something to feel better immediately. So, like Anita said above, your mind thinks you made the wrong decision because being with him felt better than you feel right now, even though being with him felt bad, too…. BUT… if you give yourself time, as long as you need, to sit with your feelings and let them pass, they WILL pass, and then you’ll feel better than you even did when you were with him.

    I understand the fear of being alone, but there are soooo many people out there. You’re bound to meet a good one who will give you a full relationship rather than a secret one, if that’s what you want. I really think you’ll feel better over time, it’s just not something you can really rush. It will also come in waves, where you feel bad and then good and then bad again, and then good again… but the bad waves become fewer and farther between, and if you expect them to come at some point, it doesn’t feel so bad when they do.

    In the meantime, focus on doing things you know you enjoy and that make you feel happy. Do you like doing any arts? Crafts? Going to music shows or plays? Lots of times those things have huge therapeutic value and aid a ton in feeling better.

    #325345

    Valora
    Participant

    I don’t understand why he got so emotional on our last meeting and told me he cares and then one week later act totally cold again.

    If he has developed any feelings for you, it’s likely he’s hot/cold because of cognitive dissonance… he’s at war with himself. Part of him likes you and wants to see where things can go and another part… the part that doesn’t want to get hurt again… makes his defense mechanism kick in and he starts talking himself out of wanting to be with someone again. That’s why he can be hot/cold (especially in a week’s time because he’s had all that time for negative thoughts) and why people with those fears really do need to move at a snails pace with someone who understands that… because it takes a while to build trust that that person isn’t going to hurt them. Meanwhile, if you date someone like this, you run the risk of the defense mechanism winning, the relationship doesn’t go anywhere, and then you feel like you were led on again.

    #325343

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Yarina,

    I don’t think he’s playing with you. I do think it sounds like this man is emotionally unavailable but it’s likely because of fear. He’s afraid of being hurt again. He is one that is going to have to probably move at a snaaaiiillls pace, which means he is going to have to find someone who is comfortable moving that slow, and it doesn’t sound like you are. You are also expecting him to show certain feelings and do certain gestures fairly early on, so you seem to want to move at a faster (and possibly more regular) pace, which is completely understandable, but it means you two aren’t a match.  Neither one of you are wrong, you’re just different. Some people have to start off as a friendly relationship that builds as intimacy grows, so he will be able to develop feelings, but it’s going to take some time for him and he’s not going to be able to fall into romantic gestures and anything beyond casual until he’s really ready for that, so you stating your feelings of him not doing that probably did make him back off a bit because that stuff is scary for him in new relationships, even if he won’t even admit that to himself.

    In other words, he’s not a bad guy for not being able to open up. He’s been hurt and he’s likely afraid of getting close to someone only to end up feeling that again. Think of it as fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment… it takes people a long time to open up and REALLY let someone in when they have those fears. You’ve already told him you can’t handle that baggage, which likely closed him off to you more, and I think you’re right in that you want to move faster than he does and you don’t like how slow he’s moving, so I think it’s a good idea to just move on and find someone who maybe doesn’t have such strong fears in these areas and will move as fast as you’d like to. That’d be a better match for you.  This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or him or that one of you didn’t care, you just don’t match up on the relationship progress speed.

    #324707

    Valora
    Participant

    It’s hard to say why you’re blocked now because there could be a ton of different reasons, but what if one of them caught the other checking up on you and got in trouble because of it? So they agreed to block you to show it wouldn’t happen again. That sort of seems like the most logical explanation to me, especially if you know they’ve been checking up on you. And just remember… your friends can’t really know what goes on behind closed doors either. Sometimes even partners don’t know, which is why so many people get blindsided by the ending of relationships or infidelity, especially, because people don’t tend to broadcast that if they don’t want to get caught.

    #324687

    Valora
    Participant

    Maybe she is just feeling like all of her children are going off and starting their own lives, and she is worried they will forget about her, (which obviously would never happen). I’m just going to try to keep that in mind when I see her, and try not to take it so personally…

    I can toootally see that being the problem here. My kids are 8 and 14, and with my 14-year-old, I recently had to let go of the “little girl” aspects and the expectations that come with that and sort of recognize her transition into becoming a young lady and all of the changes that come with that, and that alone was a hard transition for me. It really is hard to let go and let them have more independence. I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel when both kids grow up and start moving on with their own families. I think changes can be hard on parents as you kind of have this natural want to hold onto them as being your babies and always having them there, and there’s this fear there, like you said, that they’ll just move on and forget about you… even though that’s usually an irrational fear. The thought of him not coming to Thanksgiving after having him there every year and that being one more change probably just sent her over the edge for a bit. I do hope she apologizes to you guys, though, as she was definitely harsh and I can see why her words upset you, but she might not realize where her feelings are coming from either.

    I hope you enjoy your holidays!

    #324605

    Valora
    Participant

    I don’t think this actually has anything to do with you or your mom. His mom is jealous, and it sounds like her feelings are hurt that her expectations for the day were no longer being met (because she was expecting you guys to come to their dinner), which likely upset her… especially if you’ve always spent Thanksgivings at her house, she’d be expecting you guys to be there. She also may feel like her son is choosing you and your family over her and his family, which is sort of a hard thing for a mom, especially if she has a son that always made her a priority or always showed up to family events. As a mom, it’s hard to learn to let go, even when you should. So I am almost positive that’s where her comments are coming from. They aren’t actually directed toward you and your mom but it’s just a projection of her negative feelings about the situation.

    I’m also not saying you guys are in the wrong at all for wanting to spend Thanksgiving at your mom’s. Your plan sounded reasonable, especially if you don’t see your uncle very often and it was a special thing for him to be there if he could’ve made it. But his mom’s reaction isn’t logical or based on reason, it’s emotional. So while you’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, I think if you look at it from her perspective and see why she might be upset (however unreasonable it looks from a logical/outsider standpoint), it sort of makes it a little less offensive because it’s an emotional reaction that’s really coming from her own issues with not wanting things to change and also not having expectations met. Know what I mean? I really doubt it has anything at all to do with you or your mom in any way.

    #324569

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, it sounds like it’s an ego thing for her. You may have dodged a bullet by not being with her, and she may have done you a favor, even though it didn’t seem like it at the time. She seems immature and egotistical, needing attention on her and getting upset when it’s directed toward someone else, even when you aren’t together and that attention is directed toward the person you ARE with. It’s so extremely selfish for her to seemingly prefer you (or her ex-husband) be alone than with someone else, especially when SHE did the dumping, don’t you think?

    I think you’re always going to feel for her. You had a connection and that doesn’t really turn off, but at least you’re starting to be able to see her with better clarity now. Just because a strong connection is there doesn’t mean it’s right. Just take from this that you can FEEL that type of connection, but she’s not the only one you can feel that with.

    So in the meantime, just keep trying to allow yourself to detach. I think that’s the hardest part. A big part of us WANTS to detach and move on, but with connections like that, an even bigger part of us wants to hold on because it felt so good and there’s a fear that we’ll never find that again. You have to just get yourself to allow that shift, of making the part of you that wants to detach and move on stronger than the part of you that wants to hold on. Allow the desire to detach to come through… every time you feel it, like you’re ready to let go… resonate with it, allow it, and let that desire go stronger. Reinforce it in your mind as the right and most beneficial decision for you.  Then when you feel the need to hold on, acknowledge those thoughts without trying to fight them, but then let them go. Picture them in a boat, traveling down the river… oh, there are those thoughts again, floating past in their boat, and there they go down the river, and you unemotionally let them pass. I think that’s the key.

    #324565

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine,

    I agree with Marge. It sounds pretty black/white to me. He’s said he didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship and that just friends would be better if you wanted either/or  (either monogamous or just friends). It sounds like you gave him a choice between those two things, and he chose.  It’ll be up to you to make sure you don’t fall back into the relationshippy-type stuff if you choose to remain friends with him, because it sounds like he’s perfectly fine with being friends with benefits or having blurred friendship lines, so he’s not going to be the one to keep those lines clear. It has to be you.

    If you don’t think you can keep the friendship/romance lines clearly defined, then you should probably cut ties. Maybe later down the road, when he IS ready for a monogamous relationship, he will contact you then. You just have to figure out what’s going to be right for you… either friends with blurred lines or just friends, because he’s clearly taken a monogamous relationship off the table.

    #324561

    Valora
    Participant

    She’s an amazing woman, in the process of getting her degree and building a successful career and and he’s a blue collar worker but unemployed at the moment. He’s also somewhat of a party guy that drinks a lot.

    I told her that I’ll be happy as long as she is but I can’t really be happy for her as I think she’ll have to deal with a lot of challenges (raising the child, putting a wait on her career development, being attached to this guy forever, maybe being a single mom and so on).

    Hi Marge!

    I singled out a couple quotes from your post because those are what I want to touch on specifically. I think it’s okay to be happy for your friend, because she is going to be fine, either way.  You say she’s amazing, in the process of getting her degree (so she’s smart) and building her career (resourceful, driven), which are all great qualities that will help her raise her child, even as a single mom who may have to co-parent with a not-so-great guy.

    I say she will be fine because I’m in the situation you are worried about your friend being in, and my kids make it so worth it. I started into school right after I got pregnant with my daughter, continued on through school and began and built a career, all while being a single parent (the father left me when I was pregnant and wasn’t involved at all during the first year). Meanwhile, people told me I’d never make it, they told me I wouldn’t be able to finish school (which I did), wouldn’t be able to buy my own home (which I have), etc. Yes, it’s not easy and sometimes it requires accepting help from others (like friends or grandparents who are dying to babysit), but it’s definitely doable, she’ll still be able to achieve her goals as long as she still wants to, and it isn’t going to ruin her life, especially if she’s smart, driven, and resourceful. A baby to love will likely enrich her life, especially since it’s wanted. If this is her first child, she’s about to feel a love she didn’t know existed, and that’s awesome.

    As for the guy…. just let that ride for now since there isn’t much you can do. It’s likely her hormones that are making her feel super in love with him, and those will wear off after the pregnancy. Hopefully, he either gets himself together once the baby gets here (sometimes things like that can wake people up and make them want to change for the better) or if he doesn’t get his act together, hopefully she will recognize the red flags and leave, just as she would without having a child with him. Just because you have a child with someone doesn’t mean you should stay with them, and I can tell you that I am SO. GLAD. I didn’t end up staying with my daughter’s father. He was not a good partner to me, and we get along much better apart. Sometimes it’s not the right decision to stay together for the kids, and that’s okay, too.

    So anyway… your job as her friend is to just be supportive of the baby (you don’t have to be supportive of the guy… I would just redirect conversation away from him when she talks about him for now)… be happy WITH her… don’t talk about how hard this is going to make her life (because it’ll just make her resent you, it won’t change her mind, and the worries may not actually end up being a problem at all)… and just enjoy this experience with her. She may be backing off because she doesn’t feel supported, doesn’t want to be around people who aren’t happy for her or who might talk negatively about the situation, and pregnancy is a time when you definitely want support of people who are happy and excited right along with you and who will make it a fun experience. Go shopping for baby clothes! <3 haha

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Valora.
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