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Valora

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  • #338314

    Valora
    Participant

    Dear valora

    Yes i can relate to your advices as i realize i do a mistake by trying to get close to her by texting, in which there is a friend of me who can help me get to know her as he know im interested in her. I should have waited for him to help me get to know her, but i’m impatient and text her first and this is what happen. Do u think i still have a chance with her? (I’m not good looking so maybe this is also a cons when meeting her for the first time later on, even though that she has saw my face in my ig)

    Do u think she’ll be disgusted/turn off when we meet for the first time later on? Or do u think she’ll feel like nothing happen?

    Honestly, I have no idea what will happen when you guys meet for the first time or how she’ll feel because that depends entirely on her as a person. None of us here know her… but I don’t think you should expect anything one way or another. Just leave things open.  Sometimes even when you get to know someone well, that doesn’t mean they will want to date you, and it doesn’t mean anything bad about you. If someone doesn’t have feelings for you, it just means you two aren’t a match.

    So what I’m saying is don’t get your sights set on one woman, thinking if you get to know her well she’ll fall for you, because that won’t happen if you two aren’t a match for each other. Just be open to connections with the girls you meet, and if there isn’t a connection with both of you, be ready to accept that for what it is (not a match, and that’s okay!) and keep moving on until you find a good match (you’ll know when you do because you’ll feel the same about each other and a lot of your values/wants for the future will line up).

    Also… confidence plays a big role in whether someone looks good or not. Confidence and a good sense of humor can make anyone more attractive.  And those guys that are really traditionally attractive… if they have a terrible personality or are full of themselves, they become less attractive.  Attraction really isn’t just about what someone looks like.

    #338298

    Valora
    Participant

    Why is it girls always do this to me? I have already take every advice in improving myself and try to love myself (i have accept my short height) to improve me in being confident to chase a girl. But when i try to get close they immediately go away like that. I feel so sad right now i dont know what to do, i really wanna cry and now i also feel scared that most of the girls that im attracted to will most likely ignore me. I dont know if its just me being unattractive or im wrong in the way im approaching them through texts. I feel being treated unfair for my relationship life.

    Hi Felix!

    You might feel better if you manage your expectations a little bit.  Instagram isn’t really a dating site. Some people might be on there hoping to meet new people, but most are on there to just share their lives. So the fact that the girls didn’t seem interested in continuing a conversation with you might not actually have anything at all to do with you.  They might not like private messaging with people they aren’t good friends with. They might have been busy and unable to talk at that time or just didn’t feel like chatting. There could be any number of reasons why they stopped responding, but you will only get hurt if you keep expecting that getting close to someone should make them fall for you, because they might not…. even if they do find you attractive.  I’ve had a lot of guys message me on social media sites like Instagram and Facebook, trying to make small talk, but I’m not interested in dating that way (I’m not on any dating sites or apps) and small talk doesn’t really make me feel interested in someone, even if I think they’re good looking. I’m sure a lot of other girls feel the same. So again, it’s probably not about you.

    So if you’re looking to date, instead of trying to chat with new girls on Instagram, join some dating sites or see if there are any fun group activities in your town where you might meet new people and get to know them in person (which is SO much better than trying to gain interest through text message)…. BUT keep in mind that you will not be everyone’s cup of tea, just like not everyone will be yours. That’s how it is with everyone, no matter who they are or what they look like.  As the saying goes…. “You may be the ripest, juiciest peach, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches.”

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 6 hours ago by  Valora.
    #336072

    Valora
    Participant

    children’s mother doesn’t love them unconditionally, she continuously threatens to leave them if they engage in any positive way in dad’s relationship so they leave in constant fear of mother’s rejection…

    This is absolutely, 100% emotional/psychological child abuse, and I would make sure the mother knows that. She should NOT be using her love as a bargaining chip against her kids. ever.

    bf is a fantastic dad so I fully understand that he doesn’t want to cause the children any distress. The older child now starts behaving like mum, giving dad silent treatment at any mention of our relationship. I feel there’s nothing I can do other than wait for a change in my bf’s management of this situation but my worry is that there’s no clear timeline on the horizon….unless there’s a solution I don’t see? (Apart from leaving)

    I agree that all you can do is wait or leave. Those are really your only options that you, yourself, can do. However, I think your boyfriend should put pressure on the mom to stop behaving this way because it’s not at all healthy for the kids… even just the idea of them thinking she’ll leave them if they don’t do what she says is abusive and unhealthy for them. So for his kids’ sake, if he hasn’t already, he should somehow attempt to get the mom to understand what this is doing to the kids… although I know sometimes that’s easier said than done and some people just don’t “get” it. But that might be where counseling/mediation comes in. It’s not fair for him to have to hide who he dates while she dates freely…. but if he were to just start bringing you around, he would become the “bad guy” to them, and if the mom is already practicing that type of emotional abuse, she may try to use you to alienate the kids from the father. So his only real options here are to push to change the mother’s behavior or just let it go….. which I do think will bite her in the butt later on, but at the expense of her kids, because this has to be messing them up emotionally, too.

    One more piece of advice though… if he does end up talking to her, he should make it about the abusive nature of the comments she’s making to the kids and not about him being able to bring you around them.  If she stops saying those things and chills out for the sake of her kids’ emotional health, you will be able to come around as a result either way. If he makes it about you, though, she’s likely to not listen at all, I’m guessing.

    #336030

    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with asking him about his past, BUT keep in mind that some people don’t feel comfortable talking about certain traumas with anyone, so if he doesn’t want to share certain things, it may be nothing to do with you, how comfortable he feels with your, or how much he trusts you… it may just be that he cannot talk about it. This is why art, music, dance, and drama therapies are gaining in popularity because they are allowing people to express and release past traumas that they cannot express verbally through other means.

    Can you say what exactly it is that your parents are worried about when it comes to him or why they don’t like him? What reasons have they given you?  Do they have any expectations for you to date a certain type of person that you know of?

    For one thing, though, he’s going to have to change that believe he has on relationships being based on “irrational passions, lies, and seduction” or he’s setting himself up for failure already. SOME relationships might be, but definitely not all. That’s something you two can talk about though and if you decide to stay with him long-term, your actions together as a couple can prove to him otherwise.

    #335994

    Valora
    Participant

    Honestly, as a parent myself, I’m on board with your boyfriend. The kids come before anyone I date, and I would do the same thing if my kids weren’t comfortable with someone I’m dating just yet…. but there are things your boyfriend can do besides forcing the kids to be in an uncomfortable situation, especially when they’re worried they’d risk the love of a caregiver.

    Most importantly, the mother needs to get over it, and she needs to have a talk with her kids that she will NOT reject them. I would suggest that your boyfriend have a talk with her, help her to see that it’s not good for the kids to be living in fear of their mother rejecting them for any reason, and that it would be better for everyone, mostly the kids, if their mother’s love is unconditional. If they can get that resolved, then the kids should feel much better about being around you, and your boyfriend shouldn’t have an issue with you all being together.  Sometimes talking together with a psychologist/mediator can help a ton with these discussions.  I know that’s what it took for my daughter’s father to finally stop acting like a jerk, and he even apologized!

    Otherwise, if he won’t stand up to the mom and make sure they both as parents let their kids know that their love is unconditional and they won’t ever reject them, he’s going to have to not bring anyone over until both kids are grown and moved out, and in that case, you might be wasting your time unless you don’t mind the possibility of things staying the way they are for the next 7 years or so.

    #335826

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Laden,

    It doesn’t really change anything as far as my advice goes. I’d just wait a while but still keep your options open (don’t turn anyone down who you are genuinely interested in if they happen to come along). Hopefully he will start feeling better soon and you two will be able to pick back up where you left off.

    #335824

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Chloe,

    I think it’s totally understandable how you feel hurt and betrayed by this guy. It’s a very good thing you found out about this now, though, before you got even deeper into it, because if he’s cheated on his to his girlfriend a bunch, he would do it to you, too. Just know it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person. At all. Or even his girlfriend or anything about her. This is all him. It might take you a bit of time to stop feeling hurt and angry, but you just have to be patient and let yourself feel and work through those feelings so that you’re able to fully let them go. But as far as the feelings of insecurity go, just try to remind yourself that his behavior says nothing about you as a person. He’s a jerk and gooood riddance.

    #335634

    Valora
    Participant

    You had only been seeing each other for a month and weren’t actually girlfriend/boyfriend so I don’t think it can really be considered a breakup so much as just not spending as much time together, and the “break” part of it is just putting a hold on the expectation of building a relationship. I would just back off for a bit, not try to hang out unless he asks you to, maybe not message him every day, but I would definitely still check in on him once in a while just to ask how he is and how he’s feeling, because that’ll show him that you care about him. Keep the lines of communication open.

    #335546

    Valora
    Participant

    I think your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely normal, and you’re going to have to just give yourself time to feel them as they come up and then let them pass. Eventually, it won’t sting as much, and it sounds like you realize you’re not losing a great friendship here, so once you get past these feelings of betrayal, you should feel much better and also won’t be friends with someone who would be involved with your husband… that was a huge betrayal in my book. A friend should NEVER do that, let alone a best friend.

    Is it possible that part of you could also be mad at yourself for trying to forgive her and move on despite what you know she did, only to have her turn around and act like you are the one in the wrong? I had someone do something similar to me a few years ago (not involving cheating, but still betrayal) and when I dug deep, I realize part of my anger was coming from me feeling foolish at myself. I was mad at me, too.  If that’s the case for you, as well, again, it’s natural… it’s just something worth recognizing, feeling, and then forgiving yourself for trying to do what you felt was the right thing to do at the time, and letting it go.

    #335310

    Valora
    Participant

    It sounds like he is really sort of emotionally available and commitment phobic. He can behave in the way people do in relationships, loving, attentive, etc… but his beliefs aren’t going to allow him to accept a long-term relationship, and something will have to change those beliefs before he will see himself with anyone long-term.  This really is something he should mention to people up front, especially if he knows the person he’s dating is looking for something long-term.

    He seems to be blaming his parents’ relationship on marriage itself, as if they wouldn’t be fighting just the same without it, which is misguided, but he has to figure that out for himself. I also know some people don’t believe in life-long relationships because they think everyone gets sick of each other eventually so they want to leave themselves free to break up whenever they’re sick of the person (even if it’s 8 years later) rather than commit to marriage…. which is fine if they believe that way, but they really need to make sure the person they’re dating has the same belief and is NOT looking to eventually marry.

    I agree with your friends that it’s better you found out now. The belief he has is a strong one, and it’s not likely to change by dating longer. He would’ve just found more and more things to nitpick you over (looking for basically any excuse to end things once he felt your relationship was getting a little too long-term for him) and eventually would’ve broken up with you the same way, but your feelings would’ve been deeper and it would’ve hurt you much, much more. The one for you will have the same beliefs about marriage that you do.

    #334415

    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with Inky. I hate video calls. I hate phone calls, too. haha. They both make me feel anxious and I’ve never quite understood why. My last boyfriend and I were semi-LDR because we lived about 25 minutes away from each other and could only see each other on weekends for the most part due to work. We only communicated through text during the week. We dated for 2 years and I think we only video chatted one time when I was on vacation with my family, and I was extremely anxious during that call, even though I loved the guy to pieces. My anxiety really had nothing at all to do with him.

    So I think the easiest thing to do here is to not video chat. Do just regular phone calls instead.

    I can also see how you two are feeling anxious and maybe a little insecure about seeing each other since it’s been a while. Part of you may be wondering if it will be comfortable like it was the last time or if you will feel awkward, and not knowing for sure can make you feel anxious. I wouldn’t make any relationship decisions based on that feeling and just try to remember that it’s more likely you will feel comfortable since that’s how you felt the first time. Then just see how it goes!

    #333851

    Valora
    Participant

    If it might help, what is an example of something you were wanting him to express through words? Maybe we can find an action he’s shown you that would give you your answer that way.

    #333847

    Valora
    Participant

    If you’re dating in the U.S., you’re going to find this is a very, very common belief among men. Most men do not verbally express emotions but do it through actions instead.  For instance, my dad has only told me he loves me maybe 3 or 4 times in my nearly 38 years of life, BUT he has always been there when I needed him, goes out of his way for me, listens to me when I talk to him, and is always happy to see me and happy to talk to me, therefore, I know for sure that he loves me without him having to say it. I don’t believe he would feel comfortable expressing feelings through words, and I can say the same for a lot of guys I know.

    So what I’m basically saying is that if this is something you’re not okay with, that’s okay. It simply narrows your dating pool, at least in some countries. I do think lot of men are getting better at embracing emotions these days, but many were raised to “man up” as your boyfriend said, and I wouldn’t ever expect their views to change. It’s what they were taught from childhood, and those beliefs tend to be deep-seated and hard to change unless they actively work on it, and most men won’t because it’s socially acceptable (and encouraged) for men to be this way.

    So your only options are to not pursue him and find someone who expresses emotions verbally or accept that he won’t and look for signs of his emotions in expressions and actions. Long distance relationships can make this harder as well because he isn’t there in person to show you how he is feeling through actions, but you can usually tell how someone truly feels about you by paying attention to what they’re NOT saying, like in the example I noted above with my dad.

    #332375

    Valora
    Participant

    Valora- I am aware of the law of attraction but I haven’t looked into it properly- but I will now. I agree, even I am surprised at what a good example of that my situation was. I have actually been having counselling for the past year to try and help my issues but I’m not sure how far it’s got me since this all happened now! But I will keep seeking. Thank you.

    I’m glad to hear you’re going to counseling. I go too, and I do think it helps, even if it’s gradual. The important part is you’re trying and I think that speaks volumes of good things about you.  If interested, one of my favorite blogs on law of attraction is Life Made to Order. The blog writer explains things in a way that is realistic and easy to follow, she advises that people not just focus on positivity but also work to get rid of the “ick” when it shows up, which helps to clear up that bad energy, and her writing is also helpful when it comes to accepting and being okay with things the way they are, even when they feel bad at the moment. That site has been sort of a form of counseling for me, too, over the past couple of years because she’s made me see some things in a new and better way.

    #332033

    Valora
    Participant

    I can get very anxious, especially when I really like someone, and I ended up being a bit crazy and insecure with him on several occasions (asking whether he still loved his ex, wondering aloud if we were really compatible, jumping to conclusions about what he thought on a few occasions)

    He obviously wasn’t expecting this to be a let’s get back together meeting and the impression I got was that he thought it was a good idea we broke up, and he said essentially that I really was just too crazy and insecure (in a nicer way than that, but thereabouts). He was perfectly pleasant but I just came away feeling like he never really cared, like the last year meant nothing to him and like we can’t even be friends now because maybe our friendship wasn’t real.

    Hi Sarah,

    I quoted the two parts of your post above because there are similar patterns of thought in both of them, before and after the breakup. When you were together, you said you’d been insecure and had jumped to conclusions. Looking back, had he really given you any reason to wonder these things or was it just your insecurities making you fear that these things were happening? If it was simply your insecurities/fears, you can then look at that last sentence quoted and know that that is likely your insecurities talking, too… that you did and do mean something to him, your relationship with him was very real, and I think you can take it at face value when he said that he still liked you but didn’t think the relationship was healthy for you… it likely wasn’t healthy for you. It was bringing out some major insecurities in you, and that can sort of become a self-fulfilling prophecy a lot of times. You have to work on those before you get into a relationship so that you don’t end up self-sabotaging it with insecurities, and if you decide to trust someone, you have to do your best to trust them fully and not let your doubts sneak in unless they deliberately do something that should raise red flags.

     I just can’t believe his feelings, which he said were so strong and which had built up over a year, changed within a week or so. I don’t want this experience to make it even harder for me to trust people than it already is, but it feels like my worst fears were proved right (that he was too good for me and he would leave me). I even booked a holiday next week in November because I thought our “relationship” would combust by now and that I’d need a break.. which is exactly what happened!

    Have you ever read anything about the Law of Attraction? We tend to manifest or bring into our lives the things that we focus on, especially when there is great emotion attached (such as fear) or if we have strong beliefs about it. You were focusing so hard on him leaving you that you literally booked a trip months in advance, while you were still with him, to give yourself a break because you were expecting to be broke up by then. You manifested the breakup yourself in time to go on the vacation you planned for the breakup you were expecting… your belief that it would happen was that strong. It’s the perfect example of how it works.

    So… my best advice is to learn from this. I know you’re feeling awful now and that’s totally normal with a breakup. Give yourself time to grieve and recover, but then work on yourself and these beliefs you have about people always leaving you. Fear of abandonment is a very, very common belief/fear and there is a lot of information even for free on the internet that you can read that may help you to get past the insecurities and change this belief so that the next relationship you get into (maybe even with the same guy, if you show him over time that you’ve grown out of your insecurities) will be much more likely to be successful. You’ll have a much better chance of a happy, committed, long-term relationship with someone who will stick around if you are able to move past the insecurities and fears that have become a self-fulfilling prophecy in the past and then you WILL be able to trust that they’ll stay if you’re both a good match for each other… but that’s the key. It still doesn’t guarantee that you will always stay with each other because sometimes it takes dating for a while to figure out that you’re not a good match… but when you DO find a good match for you, you won’t let any insecurities/doubts get in the way like before, and then that’s when the guy will stay.

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