July 29, 2020 at 11:22 am #363133
Hi. This is all very helpful. I am trying to let go and having trouble. My husband of 20 years has decided he no longer loves me and wants to end our marriage after he has decided the things he fell in love with, drive him nuts. We are in our 50s. He was a family man, best partner for last 17 years. We have been disconnected for a while and I missed things along the way. There are missing variables and I feel I will find them out in time(mid life crisis/wants a new relationship)? He had a recent career loss and we have been in counseling for a year. He feels he has tried everything and is ready to move on(says we are not fixable). I feel like he quit us, but if he doesn’t love and appreciate me s a partner should(and feels like i cannot change b/c I don’t get it)what can I do? Especially if he thinks he no longer loves me. This blows my mind, it is like a death. Who quits after 20 years???
I finally have accepted this is real, that maybe this is a gift to me. I have kids that are school age and I am just not sure how to get through this. I feel the perspective here may help… any advice is appreciated.July 29, 2020 at 12:33 pm #363146
“Who quits after 20 years???”- many people, even after 30 years.
“This blows my mind, it is like a death.. I finally have accepted this is real, that maybe this is a gift to me”- do you mean that you feel better now, that it no longer blows you mind, that it no longer feels like death, or less so?
“(he) says we are not fixable”- do you think that he will change his mind, that he realizes perhaps that this is just his mid life crisis?
(I ask because I want to understand your situation better).
anitaJuly 30, 2020 at 10:32 am #363229
Hi. Thanks for answering. I guess I would never quit unless there was a foundational issue(abuse/neglect/cheating). To be honest… I do not feel better most days, because we are living together until he moves out. It blows my mind because he was such a steady, wonderful husband until the job loss. He always put us first and is a different person (seems to be on auto pilot). When I reflect on the last few years we were disconnected, I missed things but feel with communication we could get stronger. I would not know where to start but love him enough to try. If I did not have kids with him I would walk away because I feel betrayed by some of the things he has done and how he has treated me. I hope he changes his mind and we can try because we have so much time, money and other things invested. We have been through a lot together to walk away. I’m hoping the perspectives here can help me let go somehow. If he doesn’t want us how do I move on with these feelings and let go?
Thanks in advance.July 30, 2020 at 10:57 am #363235
The Serenity Prayer says (I am not religious but I believe in the following words): “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
When you can identify the things that you cannot change, then you can “move on with these feelings and let go” because you thoroughly understand that there is nothing you can do. But when you are not clear about what those things are.. you can’t move on because you still think there is something you can do, but you don’t know what it is.
If you want, we can try to figure out together what things you can change and what things you cannot change. It will take some back and forth communication.
You wrote: “he feels like I cannot change b/c I don’t get it”- any idea what he meant by it?
anitaJuly 30, 2020 at 1:52 pm #363266ValoraParticipant
You’d mentioned that your husband changed when he lost his job and that you two have gone through couples counseling. Has your husband gone through any individual counseling? I have to wonder if part of him is depressed because of the career loss. Sometimes if a man highly values being a provider, that loss can create some depression and extreme unhappiness in general that they don’t particularly know how to fix, so they just start thinking they need a new life and decide to change EVERYTHING. I’ve read a lot on this and relationships are usually the first things to go. If he hasn’t sought individual counseling, the issue might still be something in him that needs addressed, that he thinks it’s something YOU need to change, but it might really be something inside himself that he’s projecting onto you.
With that said, this isn’t something that you can fix, and I would still work on breaking the attachment you have with him, accepting what is at the current time, and preparing to separate just because there’s no guarantee that he’ll figure anything out with regard to himself or that it’s even the real issue. Be gentle with yourself too. There’s no timeline for healing. The best thing you can do is use this time to focus on all of the things you’d like to do or learn to do, pick up some fun new hobbies that you love to do, get out with friends, and take good care of yourself, because it’s self-care that’s going to get you through this.August 12, 2020 at 6:43 am #364531
Hi. Thanks so much for this. I am trying and agree that there is nothing I can do. Are there any meditations for trying to let go? It’s hard when you still have feelings for someone and they do not feel the same way. Thanks!August 12, 2020 at 11:28 am #364560
You are welcome. I don’t know of any meditations specific to letting go of a long term relationship. But I am sure it is quite googleable. You can download this or that meditation, choose the one that works best for you, and listen to it a few times a day, before you to sleep may be best, maybe when you first wake up in the morning- whatever suits you.