July 7, 2020 at 2:43 am #360895weepingwillowParticipant
Hi all, thank you for reading, I could use your objective support 🙂
I’ve been dating a man I met on a dating app for over two months now. I struggle with (relationship) anxiety and have a hard time opening up, but I’ve done a lot of work on that and was able to see last week that I was closing myself off again. Though that insight sadly didn’t come without a weekend of intense anxiety. But still, it galvanized me to get in touch with him and share what was going on. He was away for the weekend, but he was open to talking on the phone. I told him my deal, and he said that he indeed was feeling like there was no connection between us (anymore), that he was having doubts, and that he was almost ready to call it quits.
He appreciated me calling to talk about it and seemed to understand when I said that I felt he had also not been communicating with me either. And that him not telling me his needs or back story was also contributing to the lack of connection. Especially meeting on a dating app, where you meet ‘out of context’ I feel building a connection takes a bit more work, since it doesn’t develop organically.
Anyway, we decided to meet tomorrow in real life to have a chat, so he could think it all over. And face-to-face is always better than the phone. I was relieved I finally said my piece, but now I am so nervous for tomorrow and am having a hard time keeping it together. I was wondering if anyone has some advice for getting through the next 36 hours and how I can make sure I keep my own needs in the forefront of my mind as well. I am just feeling very scared of being alone again.
Thank you!July 7, 2020 at 9:34 am #360926ValoraParticipant
I think the BIGGEST thing you need to do for yourself is to stop being afraid of being alone. Being single is WONDERFUL sometimes. I went through a period of my life where I was single for 10 years, and now I’ve been single again for 2.5. There are just as many benefits to being single as there are to being in a relationship; the benefits are just different. So if you do end up alone again, just find the ways that being single really benefits you. Doing that takes a TON of pressure and anxiety off when it comes to relationships because you won’t care so much whether it works out or doesn’t because you know you’ll be absolutely fine either way.
Other than that, over the next few days, just accept what is in the present and try not to worry about the future at the moment. I know, easier said than done. But just know that you deserve a GENUINE connection, and those can’t be forced. You’re also right that meeting online does take more work and more talking for that connection to develop and you deserve someone who will put in that effort before writing things off. This talk will help you both decide whether each of you is willing to put in that effort, and if one of you isn’t, well it wouldn’t have been a good match anyway. Try to go into this meeting, ready to accept either outcome and know that you’ll be fine with either way… and know that the point of the meeting is to figure out whether you’re both on the same page about building something that will work well for both of your needs rather. The great thing about this is that doing this now will keep you both from wasting each other’s time if you AREN’T on the same page, and if you find out you are, you’ve got a wonderful starting point built on good communication. Win/win either way!July 8, 2020 at 6:23 am #361009weepingwillowParticipant
Thanks for your insight Valora, you are 100% right. I’ve been single for over 10 years, so I know how to do that well. Was just looking forward to trying something new 😉 Maybe I’ll get that chance now, but I will be fine either way.