I am so heartbroken and I dont know what to do!

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    I’ve never done anything like this and i dont know where to start so i guess ill just start at the very beginning?

    I met my (ex) girlfriend on christmas day in the local pub in 2013 she was 19 i was 20.

    She was my first real girlfriend and i was her second boyfriend who dumped her a year earlier. He was a typical player and he emotionally abused her and fat shamed her even though she was never that big so naturally i hated him.

    Anyway we fell madly in love.

    Everything was going the way i always wanted it too.

    Fast forward 4 years i still felt like i had found my soulmate. And she fell pregnant we were so happy albeit perhaps naive as we didnt have a pot to piss in.

    The baby came and we were overjoyed however over the next year and a half it was perfect.

    Then for whatever reason we began to bicker alot not over anything major just little things we all know the stresses of having a young child.

    Then in the november she had broken up with me. She had decided that she loved me but wasnt ‘in love’ with me anymore.

    Devastated doesnt even begin to describe how i felt. Genuinely Heartbroken.

    I always thought this was the women i was going to grow old with.

    I took it really hard. Cried alot. Spent weeks alone. Slipped into a depression.

    So in the february i thought enoughs enough. Plucked up the courage and asked her out on a date and she said yes! I was so overjoyed at the oppurtunity to attempt to rekindle us.

    She asked me if i would like to come to her house to see my son (i would like to point out that she is a good mother and i am a good father and we were co-parenting while not together) so i went to her house.

    We were discussing us life what we had been up to with ourselves. Then out of the blue she told me that over the course of our 6 year relationship that she checked my phone about 4 or 5 times i was in complete shock! I had always been completely faithful and immediately thought to myself “why would somebody say that if they werent hiding something themselves”.

    Due to my depression which she was aware of i had only days before began taking antidepressants and i was really drowsy and fell asleep on her bed and when i woke up the was nobody there and i noticed her apple watch on the side of her bed and curiosity got the better of me.

    I found texts to and from her emotionally abusive ex boyfriend. My heart sank.

    Anyway i told her what i had done and it all came out.

    That they had seen eachother about 6 months before our break up at a fitness class and had been speaking since through instagram although she said “it wasnt like ‘that'”.

    They had been having sex with eachother not even dating regularly as early as 2 weeks after her leaving me and it ended about a week before i asked her out on the date.

    I felt so sick i felt betrayed, angry, broken and all the negative feelings that came with it.

    Since then we have argued alot and nasty things have been said on both sides. I admit i am no angel.

    Im not a violent person and at a weak point i got in contact with the ex and threatened him ( im aware how stupid this was. I would never do anything that would result in me losing my son.)

    But thats just it i have all this resentment towards the ex and not her even though i know it takes two to tango and shes the one who caused the hurt.

    Recently she told me that she wanted to try again. Im so torn, i love this women. She is the mother my child but everyone including my best friend and father has told me to walk away.

    I have to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day, what does it say about my morals and values if i did go back? They have together cemented my sons broken home.

    Ive never felt hurt like it and im scared i would be forever paranoid and always question her love for me.

    Please someone give me some genuine advice.

    Do i go back?

    Do i walk away?

    If i did how do i get over her? (This is my first breakup at the age of 26)

    Please somebody help me.


    Dear Tom:

    I can almost feel your heartbreak through the computer screen.

    If you go back with her, she will have to earn it. She will have to somehow go out of her way to have you back.

    Question is what will she need to do to earn the privilege of having you back in her life as a partner. Think about it and let me know what it may be, will you?



    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by .

    Im still in 2 minds im really at war with myself, i dont know if theres 2 much water under the bridge


    Dear Tom:

    There may very well be too much water under the bridge. She betrayed you in a terrible way. I suppose she took you for granted, treated you as if you were not worthy of being treated respectfully. It may be that you invested so much in the wrong person.

    Please post more. I am not focused very well at this time, but if you post more I will read when I am focused tomorrow morning, in about 15 hours from now, and reply to you further then.



    Hi Tom,

    One big question I have before I weigh in…. did she sleep with her ex while you two were together or only during the time that you were broken up?



    Hi Tom,

    I’m so sorry with what you’re going through. It makes my own heartbreak story (awaiting moderation) like a child’s play compared to yours. I do hear a lot of stories about ex getting back together but this is by far one of the worst. Here’s my take on your situation. Walk away, and save yourself from further risk of heartbreak. Give her a chance (which to me she seems pretty genuine despite y’all arguments) and it may just work out this time or more heartbreak. But take my advice with a grain of salt. Anita is right, she has to work hard to earn your trust back. But I’m curious about what happened that ended her affair with her ex a week before meeting you again.

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