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Am I crazy or is he manipulating me

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  • #348050
    Rose
    Participant

    Long story short. My partner is going through a custody battle with his daughters mother. She is abusive to him and toxic. My partner has mentioned things about her personality while watching TV and seeing someone act like her. It got so bad I had to ask him to stop talking about her and he blew up on me and ignored me for an entire day while visiting my family out of town. It was very awkward and embarrassing.

    I walked into our basement a few days ago and there was just a photo of him and her laying in the middle of the floor. I told him about it and he turned really red and asked if I wanted to talk about it and I had nothing to say. I just felt confused. I looked through some boxes he had just laying open and found love letters from her and multiple other women. He has told me I can look through anything in our house if I felt I needed to. He blew up on me in front of his daughter and took all of the boxes to his car and left with his daughter after yelling at me and calling me crazy for finding this strange.

    A few days later I look on the internet and hes following a girl he knows from the internet (they added eachother on FB and instagram) and he is liking almost everything she posts including selfies of her half naked. He has yelled at me for taking selfies in the past, and I always fully clothed. He was also liking another womens photos that he snuck and hung out with and hid from me, I found out from the internet and posts on their pages that he blocked from showing up on his. I asked him to delete both of these women 4-5 months ago and he just now did.

    We broke up, and he changed his instagram status within two days to “single dad, never afraid never lost”, when I asked him about this he said he didnt remember doing it, hut he did it because he was so upset.

    I feel like I am losing my mind with this person. I need advice. I feel like he is shady and gaslighting me.

    #348152
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rose:

    Even if you let go of him keeping love letters and photos from his past relationships, such that are gone and done with, how can you make peace with him most recently, while in a relationship with you, “following a girl he knows from the internet.. liking .. (her) selfies of her half naked”- I wouldn’t be able to make peace with that!

    Is this new behavior on his part?

    anita

    #348160
    Rose
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    Unfortunately it isnt, I told him in the beginning it made me uncomfortable bc he was following a bunch of models pages that were entirely sexualized. After a month, he finally started unfollowing those accounts. I tried not to snoop for a while but when I did, i saw all of this was continuing with this woman the entire time.

    He started to get really jealous and possessive and would follow men that liked my photos, even if they were friends. Hes also blown up and sent men messages that would try to talk to me instead of letting me handle it myself. I just stopped telling him about it when it happens, even though he asked to tell him any time a guy hits on me ?

    #348164
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rose:

    Maybe his daughter’s mother was not the abusive one (“She is abusive to him and toxic”), maybe he was, and she wasn’t. Maybe they were both abusive and toxic.

    When you asked him to stop talking about her while visiting your family, and he “blew up on (you)”- that’s quite .. toxic, isn’t it.

    And then you saw a photo of him and her laying in the middle of the floor of your basement, (and there was an open box with love letter)- this means he took the photo out of a box, looking at it while the two of you were living together. This and the fact that he talked about her so much during a visit to your family means that he has some strong feelings about her, even if it’s mostly rage, that’s not a good indicator in regard to his mental health/ him being able to have a healthy relationship with you.

    He.. “also blown up and sent men messages” .. threatening them (?) to stop talking to you on social media- well, based on this account, I agree with you: “he is shady”, very shady, I say. Good thing he is gone from your life, keep it this way!

    I feel sorry for his daughter. I wonder if you ever met his daughter’s mother?

    anita

    #348166
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Rose,

    Have you met or spent any amount of time with his ex? I ask because perhaps she’s not as abusive as he’s saying and he’s projecting his own actions/behavior onto her. He seems pretty possessive and potentially abusive himself, from what you’ve said, especially the part where he blew up on you and then ignored you for asking him to stop bashing her in front of you and again when you asked about the keepsake boxes. I think it’s okay for people to keep mementos of past relationships, but I think the fact that he was looking at them recently suggests he’s probably not entirely over her, and that’s maybe also why he can’t stop bashing her and keeps overreacting when you question him regarding her.

    I also think it’s inappropriate for him to be messaging guys that hit on you or like your photos. I remember a boyfriend I had once when I was younger. He was really jealous and possessive in this way. He would question everything, would get mad if a guy friend stopped by my house, and I once told him someone hit on me but I shut the guy down, and he yelled at ME for getting hit on. lol.  Turns out that guy was cheating me a whole lot and with at least 8 different women that I know of. So that’s something you might need to think about, too. I think people who are THAT possessive/jealous are often that way because they’re afraid the significant other is going to cheat because they, themselves, are cheating.

    #348172
    Rose
    Participant

    I have been around his ex and she is very mean to his daughter. I wouldn’t believe it unless I saw it bc of the things he would say! She is a narcissist and lies a ton. His daughter wants to run away.

    I’m sorry you had to go through that! He would tell me he is insecure about me etc sometimes bc I do get hit on a lot, but I always turn people down and can handle turning men away by myself!

    I agree, he told me to let him know when men hit me up online bc he didnt want men like him trying to get at me. I asked what he meant and he said he used to be like that. The women he kept repeatedly liking posts of has a bf, but posts naked pics of herself constantly. Hes said women like that are gross so I was confused as to why he would be following her. He also said he wouldn’t like it if I was posting things like that!

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Rose.
    #348176
    Rose
    Participant

    Anita,

    I honestly feel like they are both abusive at this point. She is definitely abusive but his actions at the end were as well. He would blow up over the smallest things at her and then explain why he blew up and explain himself for hours. It was very aggravating for me. Hes yelled at me for sticking up for her, so I just learned to walk away.

    He is trying to get me back and make me feel bad and makes excuses for everything hes done. But I feel my trust is completely broken having to ask him to stop giving these women attention for months! He would never be ok with me acting like he does.

    #348178
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rose:

    “He is trying to get me back and make me feel bad”- if I may use a biblical language: Rose! Turn away from the darkness and turn toward the light!

    This man is darkness and so is the mother of his daughter. When the pandemic is over, anonymously calling Child Protective Services in the state where you live, may be a good idea for their daughter. She wants to run away from her mother, but ending up with her father is not a good place for her to be.

    Are you considering going back to him?

    anita

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