BROKEN UP WITH; hard to let go

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    I have been officially broken up with on my four year anniversary that happened last month. During this two month period, I was begging him to stay with me, telling him that I could change. It wasn’t the proudest moment of my life and even still today, I am begging and at this point, I am numb to feeling rejected and I don’t know what to do. I keep threatening and causing more pain on to the both of us spilling out resentments and at the same time try to salvage whatever I think there is. I wish I can snap out of it.

    Him and I are complete opposites, he’s more reasonable while I am emotional and he shames me for it. We have been up and down, there was emotional abuse from him while there were things that i did that weren’t pretty, but somehow we always forgave each other. It was toxic, but i always found myself only having my eyes on him, only craving him, but him on the other hand he felt that everything else was important, especially with his work life that was driven closer to his mission in life.

    My problem right now is that my self-worth has been ripped away from me. I hate that he’s always been ambitious and how all of a sudden he is now playing victim. He’s letting go so fast while I keep making excuses to keep him around and I just wish I knew how to do the same. I actually developed PTSD from his narcissistic abuse. I can’t sleep nor do I feel like taking care of myself sometimes. I’m waiting for a therapist, but I would just love some feedback, if possible on how I can let go and how I can repair my self-esteem and self-worth. He was always good at manipulating me into the realm of personal development due to now accepting who I was and my experiences in life.


    Dear jennylo:

    “I wish I can snap out of it”- it will take more than snapping out of it. After the breakup in June, how is it that the two of you are still in contact.. do you regularly communicate online, or on the phone, or do you still get together?

    Also, I didn’t understand the last sentence in your original post: “He was always good at manipulating me into the realm of personal development due to now accepting who I was and my experiences in life”- can you explain this sentence for me?


    • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by .

    I see you’re waiting on therapy, and once you’re able to get that, it will be a big help.  What you need to do while you’re waiting is to cut off contact with him. Completely. Resist the urge to text or call him him, to look at his social media, to read old messages, to look at photos, to ask how he’s doing, any of that. It’s likely going to be REALLY hard at first, but it’s the first step to breaking the attachment you have to him because it will allow it to weaken.

    Aside from that, work on improving whatever things about yourself that you would like to improve. Take this time to do things you couldn’t when you were spending your time with him (like going back to school, learning a new hobby, etc.) If you’re feeling abandoned, read books or blogs on healing from abandonment. If you felt some codependence or lack of healthy boundaries on your part, read books and blogs on setting boundaries and self-care. Be careful with any blogs labeling people as narcissists, though, because ALL of us have narcissistic traits and very, very few people actually have narcissistic personality disorder, but by the way some of these blogs talk, everyone who emotionally hurts us has it. The danger in believing that is it allows us to pass all of the blame onto the “narcissist,” which can make us feel stuck in our anger and sadness, and it stunts healing, because in order to heal fully, you do have to accept your part in things, even if it’s just putting up with the abuse without creating and enforcing healthy boundaries. Once you figure out your part in things, you can begin to figure out what caused the behavior in order to heal the root cause. THAT is what will help you to truly and fully move on.

    Like Anita, I’m also confused by that last sentence, so I’ll comment more if you’re able to clarify that for us.

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