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Boyfriend with Anger issues

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by anita.
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  • #355470
    Veronica
    Participant

    I love my boyfriend. He’s funny and generous. He was there when I needed him but when he’s mad, he throw stuff, he punches the walls, he’s like a totally different person when he gets mad.

    At first, I got soo scared of him, he reminds me of my father who punched my mom once. It terrifies me that my boyfriend will do the same. I’ve been traumatized from that event in childhood that brought me to depression and love addiction for how many years. After being single for a long time (4 years). In that years, I was trying to do some inner healing.

     

    And so, just this year, I met my boyfriend. I spent the quarantine with him which allows me to see his “dark” side.

     

    My question now, should I consider this as red flag and run away? or try to make this work?

    Thank you everyone ❤️

    #355508
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    Welcome back! You wrote regarding your boyfriend: “he reminds me of my father who punched my mom once”. I think you are referring to the traumatic incident you experienced as a child, the one you shared about Dec 2016: “I remember once incident on which I have no emotions- I did not cry nor get mad. I was completely numb. It was when my parents had a fight. My father hit my mom. I saw many blood on the floor as I approach my unconscious mom”.

    You wrote that during the quarantine you stayed with your boyfriend- has it been just the two of you living together? You are welcome to share the details of and circumstances behind one or two incidents that involved your boyfriend throwing stuff and punching walls, and I will reply further.

    anita

    #355524
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Veronica!  Do you feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about his anger outbursts? It’s possible it might seem normal to him, but it’s not really acceptable behavior. I think that when people react to things this way, there is usually something deeper going on, like suppressed emotions and possibly depression/sadness… basically he either has some things he needs to work through or he might see this as normal, acceptable behavior if he grew up with a father who punched walls or friends who do and think it’s fine.

    I think the first step, if you feel comfortable doing so, would be to talk to him and ask him why he does this. Let him know it scares you.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it or become afraid of him or how he will react, then it might be better to just leave the relationship and find a man who can control his anger.  I would certainly be worried about or scared by this behavior, too, and I have never seen either of my parents or loved ones punch anyone.

    #361566
    Veronica
    Participant

    Hi!

     

    Last sunday, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight. I attempted to leave him, get my stuffs and as soon as I was about to leave the room, he throws my stuff. I was crying so heavily because I felt disrespected. He then calmed down and approach me. He hug me while crying so heavily. As soon as I was able to calm down, he explained that he got full blank. We talked about it and that my attempt to leave triggered his abandonment issues. He cried so much, this was my first time seeing him crying. He was adopted and that his biological parents just left him on streets.

     

    I told him that I get scared whenever he gets mad. But, aside from all of those moments where he gets mad, we are happy. We laugh a lot, he takes care of me and supports me. He also have good qualities.

     

    But, what should I do about his anger issues? I really appreciate it for those who replies 🙏

    #361581
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    You wrote about your boyfriend May this year: “when he’s mad, he throws stuff, he punches walls, he’s like a totally different person when he gets mad… I spent quarantine with him which allows me to see his ‘dark’ side”. Two months later: “Last Sunday.. I attempted to leave him.. as soon as I was about to leave the room, he throws my stuff. I was crying so heavily.. He then calmed down and approached me. He hugged me while crying so heavily… He cried so much.. I told him that I get scared whenever he gets mad. But, aside from all those moments where he gets mad, we are happy.. what should I do about his anger issues?”

    My answer: keep yourself safe from his angry behaviors. This needs to be your number #1 priority: to protect your life and health from his angry behaviors. If he poses danger to your life and health, if he may injure you or kill you, you have to get away from him safely As Soon As Possible.

    He needs to be able to feel his anger without automatically reacting to it. He needs to be able to pause between the emotion of anger and reacting to his anger. Within that pause, he needs to calm down and thoughtfully choose what to do next, if anything.

    He needs to effectively manage his anger, and until he does, you shouldn’t be living with him or spending any time alone with him.

    Notice the behavior you described last Sunday: he felt anger at you-> he wanted to hurt you-> he threw your stuff-> you cried heavily-> he saw that he succeeded in hurting you-> he calmed down-> he hugged you and cried so much:

    He felt better because he succeeded in his aim at hurting you. If you didn’t cry, he might have done something else to hurt you and wouldn’t stop until he saw that he succeeded.

    One way to protect yourself is to cry quickly, the moment he does something to hurt you, so that he doesn’t do something more to hurt you. Another way to protect yourself is to not live with him, and to not spend any time alone with him.

    Does this answer your question?

    anita

     

    #361609
    Veronica
    Participant

    Does it mean that I should break up with him?

    #361612
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    You wrote: “I spent quarantine with him which allows me to see his ‘dark side'”-

    -The coronavirus is likely to be dangerous to you, that’s why you keep your distance from the virus by quarantining.

    If your boyfriend’s dark side is can be of danger to you, you should keep your distance from him too, which means to not live with him and to not spend time alone with him.

    Your boyfriend threatens you once in a while by throwing stuff, punching walls and throwing your stuff:  I don’t think that you want to live in fear of the next time he does any of these things, do you?

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year ago by anita.
    #361634
    Veronica
    Participant

    Apparently, due to the pandemic, I lost my job. He’s the only one who supports me. He’s not that bad. He also takes care of me and listens to me. Although he has temper, it’s only  him that I felt supported that I never felt from my parents. The last fight happened because I attacked him, I got jealous because I thought he’s playing with other girls. He’s a gamer.

    Sometimes, I think I was a burden to him even though he keeps saying I’m not. I guess, I am the toxic one. I bring out the worst of him.

    • This reply was modified 1 year ago by Veronica.
    • This reply was modified 1 year ago by Veronica.
    #361655
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    “I guess, I am the toxic one. I bring out the worst of him”- maybe the two of you are toxic to each other, bringing the worst of each other. It is something to look into and figure it out.

    When you say that you got jealous and “attacked him”: how did you attack him, what did you say to him and/ or do to him?

    And when you say that he is “a gamer”- what does he say and do that makes him a gamer?

    anita

     

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