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Not the man I thought he was………

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  • #348062
    janemarple
    Participant

    Been in a relationship for 6 years now. We live together. Yesterday I had a look at my partner’s Instagram page to see who he was following (never done this before). It was just out of interest. It is an open profile, so easy for anyone to view.

    I discovered that he was following 10-15 sites which featured women in very revealing underwear, in provocative poses. Really trashy. When I looked at some of the sites, they were marked private. I could have followed them myself to have a look around, but I simply did not want to as I got the impression that these women ‘entertain’ men for a living either on-line or in person.  Whilst I don’t have an issue with that in itself, I was really shocked that my partner would be following them on Instagram and viewing the images.

    My partner won’t even watch Strictly Come Dancing as he believes there is no need for women to wear such revealing outfits. He has always said that women should dress conservatively and leave things to the imagination, rather than having everything on show.

    I thought I knew my partner, but not so sure now. I quietly confronted him, giving him a chance to explain and he simply said Instagram suggested that he follow these people. I asked if he had noticed the content of these sites and that they are the equivalent to porn sites and most likely to lead to a pay to view service. He said that they are not porn sites (well, clearly he has had a good look around) but he was smiling at me throughout, almost as if he was laughing at me. He then said he couldn’t even get into some of them.

    I said that he had clearly been receiving images of these women for some time now and asked him if he had been enjoying looking at these images (they were quite explicit) and he didn’t know what to say to me.

    He then said ‘should I delete them then?’ I continued to ask him why he followed so many of these women and he simply didn’t have an answer, then I started to shout, he just shouted back ‘it is no different to looking at magazines’.

    I left it there, asked him to move out and now he has gone. He sent a message this morning to say that he has done nothing wrong.

    To say that I am shocked and disappointed is an understatement. I know we all have more important things to worry about at the moment, but this has really upset me immensely. I can’t see a future together together. I certainly don’t want to even look at him now.

    Any advice/words of wisdom would be welcome.

     

    #348148
    anita
    Participant

    Dear janemarple:

    The significantly troubling aspect of his behavior is his hypocrisy- that he bothered to tell you repeatedly that women should dress conservatively, pretending to be a conservative man, and then being involved with those sites. When you confronted him he pretended it was nothing really, and even after he had time to contemplate what happened, after he moved out, the best he came up with is that he did nothing wrong.

    How can you  possibly trust him after that (not a question that I am asking). If he expressed being conflicted on the matter, that would be one thing, but seems like he is comfortable with his hypocrisy. Not likely to change something he is comfortable with.

    I think that ending the relationship is the right move on your part, before you discover what other hypocrisy he is comfortable with.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #348156
    janemarple
    Participant

    He has been looking at those sites for the last year.

    #348162
    anita
    Participant

    Dear janemarple:

    What do you make if it, that he’s been looking at those sites for the last year, but not the five years before?

    anita

    #348182
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Janemarple.

    I’ve got sort of a different opinion here, I think, given that I’ve always had a lot of guy friends. It sounds to me like he likes women to be conservative in real life, but he enjoys looking at pictures of scantily clad women as a fantasy, and he probably uses those sites sometimes to… make himself feel good. Men are visual creatures. This type of thing is very common among them, even conservative ones, and even ones who are very much in love with their ladies. They just try to hide it from their women, because they are very much aware that most women aren’t going to be okay with it. It’s understandable that the women are upset when they find out though, because it does feel like a bit of a betrayal and like they have wandering eyes, but again… that’s why the men hide it, because THEY don’t see it that way.  (Hence: “It’s just like looking at magazines!”)

    Now, I don’t think the sites where there is actual interaction between the men and the women are okay at all, but I’ve learned to just kind of shrug off the sexy photos, as long as they’re not looked at excessively.  His reaction when you were questioning him about it was likely due to embarrassment, especially since he’s conservative. He might not have realized that people could see what he was following.

    So I guess the question is… are you SURE he’s only been looking at this stuff for the past year?

    At any rate, this has understandably changed your opinion of him. If it’s something that you can’t get over, I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him. Just because it’s common, that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. It just means the men that truly don’t ever look are few and far between. I also want you to know that him looking at those photos doesn’t say anything about you or how he feels about you. I doubt he saw doing that as a betrayal toward you as it’s usually just a fantasy. It’s the equivalent of women reading 50 Shades of Gray or some romance novel and dreaming about the guy in the book. Looking at those photos is the guys’ way of enjoying fantasy in the visual sense the way that women enjoy fantasy in the storybook/imagination sense. Again… doesn’t mean you have to be okay with that… it just is what it is.

    #348184
    anita
    Participant

    Dear janemarple:

    I think that Valora made an excellent point that caused me to re-think my earlier post to you. Her post makes more sense than mine, seems like I was too harsh on the guy, too quick to judge (and maybe you were too?)

    anita

    #348220
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m sorry to interrupt the conversation. Should I throw in my two cents too?

    I agree with Valora and Anita. It is actually just like viewing magazines. I understand, for a married couple it might look like a “betrayal” if you see the other exclusively <b>following</b> the instagram models. It actually sounds a bit too much when on your public profile you are viewing and following such visual content. Rather viewing it on a website with no log in seems more appropriate in my view. But it is still just the other getting some pleasure out for a time being with no deeper feelings or meaning attached.

    It might not make sense, but I hope you got the point. plus, I understand you must be furious, you should take your time to process it.

    Regards,

    Javairia

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