Forum Replies Created
September 24, 2020 at 9:02 pm #367200
Thank you, I will let you know.
I had a really hard time this week. Things aren’t going well. At times like this, I wonder: Am I too weak? Why is it that I’m not strong enough? Am I too sensitive to little things? If yes, then why I can’t I be tougher… I just got a call from dad in the morning. He subtly showed annoyance in his tone. He kind of indicated we are a burden. Or maybe I am looking into words a bit too much. But, really, that call broke me down. I am crying since. I do not feel good at all.
I am so so tired. I am not doing well in exam prep., things at home are going really bad, I am getting financially stressed.
Maybe calming down is what I need, but those things don’t disappear even if I distract for a while. It is too realistic to just disappear or resolve itself. Especially, financial matters, they don’t solve themselves, they’re stressing me out. Should I tell my parents to talk to each other for these things and stop making me make the calls? My dad would be definitely the one to reject this with all his might. He hates mom. Hates even listening to the sound of her voice. how would they make a call?
If it doesn’t work out, it’ll definitely create more chaos in house, with slamming doors, and everyone being bitter to each other. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll not be able to get rid of the responsibility.
My breath is getting shorter and I can’t stop the tears. I am so scared of living for another day
I am so sorry if it is too distressing or burdensome to read through. I hope you’re feeling okay
JavairiaSeptember 20, 2020 at 9:24 am #366972
About the suggestions you put out: They all seem very useful. I especially read the fourth and fifth one over and over.
thank you very much for your time, like always.
JavairiaSeptember 18, 2020 at 10:14 am #366938
It was an average day yesterday. But today- today was heavy. My heart kept pounding like one of those days. My stomach was dropping for no reason. I felt really messed up
But now I look back, I had several worries today that were making up this whole heart-pounding, overall messy situation. The biggest worry was the “mandatory” call to dad; the list of financial responsibilities I had on my mind nonstop. And the little ones were the amount of things to study and how I will get done on time, and about other little to-dos.
And suddenly this frustration came over me. I felt as if everyone around me(in the classroom) was way better than me. Even though nobody can actually be compared that way, but I couldn’t help myself for the entire day comparing my situation with others. Comparing it with just anyone, friends, people I know in person closely. I felt like I have lost something that they haven’t. Even though, I could not claim such comparisons, also given that I do not own an entire script of someone’s life experiences. In short, I was being completely irrational and out of my head.
When I was at home I was grieving the wounded child. I was grieving the early scars. I tried hard to snap back from the past I was living in for the moment, but I couldn’t. I really wanted to cry my eyes out. I did cry, but not enough to let out the frustration. When there are days where I feel a dark, dark hole inside of me from the early wounds, everything on the outside suddenly feels so blindingly bright. Everyone around me; they seem so happy, so well off. Everything feels so bright and beautiful, and it hurts my eyes. “I’m alone existing separately from this beautiful world”. That’s how I feel
I was being TOTALLY illogical, right? That was kind of childish of me to let it consume me, but I felt like expressing it anyway. If you know what to do or not to if you fall into the sudden loop of reminiscing unpleasant/hurtful events for an entire day?
JavairiaSeptember 17, 2020 at 7:21 am #366848
Thank you for your considerate and calming words. And I hope the unrest in your country gets settled down.
Okay then, it makes me happy if me writing here makes you feel good too!
JavairiaSeptember 15, 2020 at 9:45 am #366761
I am very delighted to read your replies here today. Maybe I’ve been missing talking to friends and interacting with people in general, having little conversations and all. Although, our school reopened today; it was my first day, But I couldn’t interact or hang out with my friends much, and we have our exams coming up so everybody’s focused on studying more. I miss my friends lot these days. I hope I can experience those interesting human interactions and take part in little conversations again! And things around the world get better too.
I am doing well, just a bit nervous about exams and all the uni application stuff, but this should be fun I guess. I hope you’re doing well too
I take some time to reply, because I try to absorb the things you put down for me to understand. Since they’re great advises, I take time to go over them time and again.
And it is very considerate of you to mention that you will be willing to reply whenever I want to receive an input from someone. I am comforted to hear that. Although I hope you’re doing good yourself before putting in time for me.
JavairiaSeptember 7, 2020 at 6:27 am #366293
I am glad we agree. Yes, I will remind myself this more often and write it down somewhere
-JavairiaSeptember 4, 2020 at 9:14 am #366130
I am feeling really refreshed reading what you wrote: having an interesting life rather than a happy one. I really look up to people who prioritize having fun and value curiosity over just ‘being happy’. And I aspire to be one of them too. Being happy sounds like an empty goal, it shouldn’t be something as great as a life goal. And for some reason, it sounds more self-destructive to me.
I am feeling a lot better than yesterday. Thank you for your kind words during this time
JavairiaSeptember 3, 2020 at 9:31 am #366057
Thank you very much for the advice again. If I am talking to adults I do not have to be super cautious, and with children I shouldn’t do or say things that make them feel the way my parents did. Is that right?
I totally felt understood when you said there IS a reason for me to feel anxious, that is: the constant bickering and steaming anger of people around me. I have slowly realized this in past year that this place is indeed not for me. In one year I will have to move out for university anyway, so I hope things go well and I get out of home. Things won’t come easy for sure, I understood what you said, it’ll take time to calm down and slowly process, but oh well.
Family therapy for sure isn’t practical. I couldn’t find a therapist for myself here, so that won’t work.
I won’t be investing my words or actions in fights anymore. I will try not to listen. I’ve been listening loud music quite often to shut out noises sometimes, will continue that. I am sorry for replying late whenever you post on my thread by taking out some time. I am slowly losing motivation to do anything. I just hope schools reopen soon, and things get better
I hope you’re okay
JavairiaAugust 25, 2020 at 3:14 am #365505
Thank you very much for your reply. I tried running away from the situation but I knew something would linger on this way. Just two days ago he texted me a ‘Hey’, which was the first message after three or four months I ghosted him. I knew what I had to do: fix what I didn’t before. I replied to him for the last time and said: “I am sorry for ghosting you without providing a reason. Our friendship was really exhausting for me. It was tiring so I left it out. I apologize for keeping you hanging around or wondering for this time. I should’ve said this earlier. I hope you do well in your friendships in future.” And he replied with, “That’s alright”, and that’s where it all ended for good and all. Thank you for your time
JavairiaAugust 25, 2020 at 1:41 am #365500
(Continuing where I left off): So where is the middle ground to this? To this belief I have embodied inside of me that I have extreme destructive powers? I have no idea how to care just the right amount of how my actions make someone feel. What is a right amount and healthy limit of caring and not caring about your actions and words?
And I would never do that in my relationships. I have actively reminded myself from a young age that I would not like to handle relationships like my parents did. I believe you are talking about generational trauma, right? It is best to stop the trauma and not pass on to your children those things you experienced as a child. Just in general, we have to grow as a person and unlearn unhealthy/toxic patterns that were passed on in our childhood.
That part is clear and I totally understand your point about not repeating the mistakes. About learning to relax; do you have any suggestions, or a change in perspective I can show myself in times I am overthinking and over analyzing?
I have dealt with anxiousness(I wouldn’t self-diagnose it ‘anxiety’) a lot. You probably know all the reasons behind that anxiousness and uneasiness. I fidget a lot. I move my legs a lot, I can’t stop shaking them. I pace A LOT. And somedays my heart just keeps beating really fast for no reason. Sometimes I forget to eat or sleep at time and maintain proper hygiene for myself. And that is why I asked you, “About learning to relax…” Because I am bad at this.
[Response to your older question: Things are about the same as they were in 2019. I have to make the calls for money, still. Mom and brothers get extremely pissed off at little things and start a fight out-of-blue sometimes. Today my brother and mom had a fight, and everyone is just so angry. My middle brother has very bad anger management. I have a hint he is working on some meditation and workout for himself, but it still is very very hard for him to not slam the door loudly and yell as loudly. My eldest brother who was unwell in 2019 has gotten better, though, I hope he doesn’t think of hurting himself again. And mom- she has just gotten worse. She can’t help but initiate a fight at home whenever she gets a chance. She speaks harshly now and complains about every single thing she gets to complain about. That means she is frustrated. I’m guessing mostly because of the financial situation, because it’s hard to budget the way dad deals with money affairs for home. I tried to talk to her about that a couple of times last month but she dismisses any consolation and says it is pessimistic, everything is pessimistic.
And my pet chickens are doing the best like always! They’re healthy and beautiful]
JavairiaAugust 23, 2020 at 11:51 pm #365391
I am guessing it’s because of irregular meal times, I get careless at eating meals on time. Though, I’ll take medicine if doesn’t get better!
“The child believes that she has extreme powers to destroy.”
This sentence stands for all the concerns I had in my mind that made up the “bad person” complex from the start. You couldn’t explain it better. I couldn’t even explain this to myself better. I assume I have this power to destruct with every single word and with the tiniest action, as if everything holds such a heavy weight the way it did. I have seen and lived closely with those people who attempted to take away their own lives(my mom and brother); there must have been someone else’s words or actions powerful enough to destruct so much of these peoples lives(my mom’s and brother’s). And so I have lived in constant balancing and over analyzing of each and every word because it might also DESTROY someone. The constant fear to destroy someone, to hurt someone, and to lose someone I care about.
“We do not live among extremely sensitive situations like those days, Javairia.” I must remind myself this often.
This just connects to many things. I will probably add more to it later and will answer your last question too, but I want to free my mind of other study tasks first.
I really appreciate for all that you have advised me and consoled me for more than a year until now. I really do. I wish you happiness
JavairiaAugust 22, 2020 at 12:52 pm #365340
I read your response that day, and somehow wanted to reply but I didn’t know for a long time what to say or talk about.
It came to my mind a couple of times in previous months: ‘the psychotic hallucinations’. The term you used to explain that something can be believed and felt to be true when it’s not. I remind myself that sometimes when I’m saying very very irrational and untrue things to myself during negative self-talks. So thank you for that.
And for reply to your latter message: I want to write that I am doing well. Physically, I am having very frequent stomach-aches recently. My stomach is unable to digest anything these days so I cannot eat properly.
I am doing fine, other than that. But there’s this unsettling feeling I have, that I wanna talk about in a new thread
I hope you’re doing perfect. Bless you. P.S. I am really sorry for a late late reply!
JavairiaJune 3, 2020 at 9:49 am #357530
Rationally everyone can tell it was not the children’s fault in the house, of whatever happened in the adults’ lives that day. But you are correct. It was devastating for us, that’s why I still feel guilty of every little action of mine, and every word I speak. As if someone is going to grab something harmful again, and I’m going to lose them forever. My mind is really not thinking rationally more than half the times, and especially when this guilt hits over. “Bad person complex” is especially rooted to this incident. I’ve been envying people who are not that emotionally sensitive as I grew up to be. It’s an illogical thing to say, but I feel inferior to them.
She has talked about it several times. More like re-called it. And that’s all, she just re-calls it. She doesn’t talk about if I felt scared or resentful or anything towards that action. She would leave it to be like, “Do you remember when your dad hit me, and I attempted suicide?”. And I find it weird why she would bring that topic up that way. Without even asking us how we felt, or even venting out herself, that she felt helpless that day. She simply re-calls it. So, no. No, she didn’t ever apologize. She’s never been sorry for doing that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about that. But, seriously I don’t feel like a victim to her actions, but deep down I sure am guilty.June 2, 2020 at 2:09 pm #357468
(the phenol liquid sure is strong. It wasn’t diluted, but the bottle wasn’t full. She stayed hospitalized for a week or two, and sick for more than a month)June 2, 2020 at 1:32 pm #357466
Thank you for listening, like always.
I hope you feel better after your walk, if reading it made you feel stressed out