Forum Replies Created
January 9, 2021 at 5:59 am #372468
As always: delighted to read your response. I am so glad to know that I made it on your list too!
-JavairiaJanuary 3, 2021 at 6:30 am #372107
Since it’s past New Year’s already; I wish you all the belated sincere greetings. I hope you still are coping the best.
I am happy to write that I am, too, coping the best right now.
It put a smile on my face today, when I discovered that you were thinking of me on an important holiday. Although I don’t celebrate Christmas, it was nice to receive a holiday greeting as a warm gesture. So that’s how you go on the list of ‘one of the first things that made me genuinely smile this year’! And in return, I wish that if such list exists for you(on a paper or as a mental note), you get to fill it with nice and interesting things.
I truly appreciate all your replies and your presence on this forum. Stay healthy!
JavairiaDecember 13, 2020 at 12:02 pm #371007
That is a pretty alarming news, I hope you and other citizens are coping well.
Thank you for understanding. I really don’t get the hold of my thoughts when I’m at home. Even when nothing particularly bad is happening, I just seem to lose all my motivation, discipline and energy. I am not myself right now. And this lifeless me needs to get done with really important stuff like Scholarship Award Applications, studying for A-levels exams and such.
I am guessing I’ll have to find a way or excuse to stay out somewhere to do my tasks. I really want to run away from this stillness, it’s eating me away. What do you do when you feel stuck in life?
-JavairiaDecember 12, 2020 at 9:30 am #370964
Thank you for the validation.
It’s been two weeks since our schools closed again. Everything shut down once again; and with sudden alarm. My head has been a big mess. I haven’t been able to gather up or organize my thoughts on a single thing that’s going on in there. Anita, I’m having a hard time. I’m sorry I had to tell this to someone. I just wanted someone to know.
I am hoping things are better where you are. I am hoping you’re well
-JavairiaNovember 21, 2020 at 12:11 am #369690
Thank you for another hug.
I’ve been trying to not listen often. I put on headphones and try to block out everything with music when there’s a fight or argument going around. And thankfully, schools are still open and I can get away with it for a few hours.
-JavairiaNovember 13, 2020 at 1:02 am #369241
Thank you very much for your nice words.
I do doubt what she says, but it’s exhausting to doubt every word and conversation, and it makes me uneasy and tired sometimes. I totally get your point, however. These words feel like a hug of reassurance every time I read them. Thank you for providing that. Thank you for the hug
I’m sorry for the late replies, I feel overwhelmed by everything that’s going on these days so it’s getting difficult to keep track of things.
I hope you’re doing well
JavairiaNovember 6, 2020 at 10:35 pm #368747
You’re welcome, it’s nice to know.
It feels liberating to read those lines over and over- that we are not that one responsibility she’s living for. I’m sorry you had to go through the similar experience. I totally got what you wanted to express. No matter how extreme her choice of words is, a parent can be dishonest to their children too.
Also, my mother is a compulsive liar. I’ve noticed that since I was very young. She’s been always lying out of habit for no reason- even in normal, relaxed conversations. She even lies to me about our budget sometimes. I understand she’s trying to nervously save up to get through the month I guess?? But it still hurts me sometimes that she lies to me and doesn’t provide honest details of our budget, just to gear me up for asking for more money.
I feel appreciated, thank you for the encouraging words
-JavairiaOctober 31, 2020 at 9:30 am #368474
It’s been a while since I posted. There was so much going on, and somehow things were also stuck at a mundane spot.
Ah, I never thought my sweet seventeen would be like this, ever.
About what you suggested: I thought of doing that a couple of times. But maybe, that’s not the solution. Their marriage is already so broken, two of them talking would never go right, never. And there’s not a single adult I know who has good enough relations with both my mom and dad to take on this responsibility. The only solution I see is to make an earning source to substitute the amount we have to depend on dad for. My mom is unemployed, and under-qualified for any proper jobs. Part-time jobs are not available in our small city, especially for women. So what I can do is to look for one myself. So I can get rid of the responsibility to call dad. He ignores our calls a lot now anyway. I think he doesn’t want to support us anymore, even though mom and dad are not divorced yet, and he knows she is unemployed.
Our schools reopened last month. I use school as an excuse to get out of that constant bickering and arguments. I feel a bit nice at school.
I feel really frustrated because of mom whenever I’m at home, because she always throws away her frustration of being short on finances at me, and thus the chain reaction begins. But one day she said, “I would have been dead long ago. I really don’t have a reason to live. I have to live just because you, my children exist” She just lives to fulfill one, single responsibility? That is us? It made me think back to her attempted suicide, her suicidal thoughts that she had shared before to the young me. Yes, she really wanted to die. And still does. My frustration for her goes away when I remember those words she said to me recently.
I just want to be better for others. To be deserving of good and healthy enough relationships, friendships. I want to be better and open for better people.
Everyone at our house is having a hard time, it’s not just me. And I’m pretty sure this is what they call a broken or dysfunctional family. But oh well, this conclusion doesn’t add up to anything at all.
I just hope I am a better person than I am right now.
Aside of all that brain vomit I put out: I was really delighted to know you were thinking of me. I hope you’re doing great!
Thank you so much for your time and kindness again
JavairiaSeptember 24, 2020 at 9:02 pm #367200
Thank you, I will let you know.
I had a really hard time this week. Things aren’t going well. At times like this, I wonder: Am I too weak? Why is it that I’m not strong enough? Am I too sensitive to little things? If yes, then why I can’t I be tougher… I just got a call from dad in the morning. He subtly showed annoyance in his tone. He kind of indicated we are a burden. Or maybe I am looking into words a bit too much. But, really, that call broke me down. I am crying since. I do not feel good at all.
I am so so tired. I am not doing well in exam prep., things at home are going really bad, I am getting financially stressed.
Maybe calming down is what I need, but those things don’t disappear even if I distract for a while. It is too realistic to just disappear or resolve itself. Especially, financial matters, they don’t solve themselves, they’re stressing me out. Should I tell my parents to talk to each other for these things and stop making me make the calls? My dad would be definitely the one to reject this with all his might. He hates mom. Hates even listening to the sound of her voice. how would they make a call?
If it doesn’t work out, it’ll definitely create more chaos in house, with slamming doors, and everyone being bitter to each other. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll not be able to get rid of the responsibility.
My breath is getting shorter and I can’t stop the tears. I am so scared of living for another day
I am so sorry if it is too distressing or burdensome to read through. I hope you’re feeling okay
JavairiaSeptember 20, 2020 at 9:24 am #366972
About the suggestions you put out: They all seem very useful. I especially read the fourth and fifth one over and over.
thank you very much for your time, like always.
JavairiaSeptember 18, 2020 at 10:14 am #366938
It was an average day yesterday. But today- today was heavy. My heart kept pounding like one of those days. My stomach was dropping for no reason. I felt really messed up
But now I look back, I had several worries today that were making up this whole heart-pounding, overall messy situation. The biggest worry was the “mandatory” call to dad; the list of financial responsibilities I had on my mind nonstop. And the little ones were the amount of things to study and how I will get done on time, and about other little to-dos.
And suddenly this frustration came over me. I felt as if everyone around me(in the classroom) was way better than me. Even though nobody can actually be compared that way, but I couldn’t help myself for the entire day comparing my situation with others. Comparing it with just anyone, friends, people I know in person closely. I felt like I have lost something that they haven’t. Even though, I could not claim such comparisons, also given that I do not own an entire script of someone’s life experiences. In short, I was being completely irrational and out of my head.
When I was at home I was grieving the wounded child. I was grieving the early scars. I tried hard to snap back from the past I was living in for the moment, but I couldn’t. I really wanted to cry my eyes out. I did cry, but not enough to let out the frustration. When there are days where I feel a dark, dark hole inside of me from the early wounds, everything on the outside suddenly feels so blindingly bright. Everyone around me; they seem so happy, so well off. Everything feels so bright and beautiful, and it hurts my eyes. “I’m alone existing separately from this beautiful world”. That’s how I feel
I was being TOTALLY illogical, right? That was kind of childish of me to let it consume me, but I felt like expressing it anyway. If you know what to do or not to if you fall into the sudden loop of reminiscing unpleasant/hurtful events for an entire day?
JavairiaSeptember 17, 2020 at 7:21 am #366848
Thank you for your considerate and calming words. And I hope the unrest in your country gets settled down.
Okay then, it makes me happy if me writing here makes you feel good too!
JavairiaSeptember 15, 2020 at 9:45 am #366761
I am very delighted to read your replies here today. Maybe I’ve been missing talking to friends and interacting with people in general, having little conversations and all. Although, our school reopened today; it was my first day, But I couldn’t interact or hang out with my friends much, and we have our exams coming up so everybody’s focused on studying more. I miss my friends lot these days. I hope I can experience those interesting human interactions and take part in little conversations again! And things around the world get better too.
I am doing well, just a bit nervous about exams and all the uni application stuff, but this should be fun I guess. I hope you’re doing well too
I take some time to reply, because I try to absorb the things you put down for me to understand. Since they’re great advises, I take time to go over them time and again.
And it is very considerate of you to mention that you will be willing to reply whenever I want to receive an input from someone. I am comforted to hear that. Although I hope you’re doing good yourself before putting in time for me.
JavairiaSeptember 7, 2020 at 6:27 am #366293
I am glad we agree. Yes, I will remind myself this more often and write it down somewhere
-JavairiaSeptember 4, 2020 at 9:14 am #366130
I am feeling really refreshed reading what you wrote: having an interesting life rather than a happy one. I really look up to people who prioritize having fun and value curiosity over just ‘being happy’. And I aspire to be one of them too. Being happy sounds like an empty goal, it shouldn’t be something as great as a life goal. And for some reason, it sounds more self-destructive to me.
I am feeling a lot better than yesterday. Thank you for your kind words during this time