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Rationally everyone can tell it was not the children’s fault in the house, of whatever happened in the adults’ lives that day. But you are correct. It was devastating for us, that’s why I still feel guilty of every little action of mine, and every word I speak. As if someone is going to grab something harmful again, and I’m going to lose them forever. My mind is really not thinking rationally more than half the times, and especially when this guilt hits over. “Bad person complex” is especially rooted to this incident. I’ve been envying people who are not that emotionally sensitive as I grew up to be. It’s an illogical thing to say, but I feel inferior to them.
She has talked about it several times. More like re-called it. And that’s all, she just re-calls it. She doesn’t talk about if I felt scared or resentful or anything towards that action. She would leave it to be like, “Do you remember when your dad hit me, and I attempted suicide?”. And I find it weird why she would bring that topic up that way. Without even asking us how we felt, or even venting out herself, that she felt helpless that day. She simply re-calls it. So, no. No, she didn’t ever apologize. She’s never been sorry for doing that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about that. But, seriously I don’t feel like a victim to her actions, but deep down I sure am guilty.
(the phenol liquid sure is strong. It wasn’t diluted, but the bottle wasn’t full. She stayed hospitalized for a week or two, and sick for more than a month)
Thank you for listening, like always.
I hope you feel better after your walk, if reading it made you feel stressed out
When she attempted suicide, she really didn’t have a talk with us. It was very quick, something that came to her in the heat of the moment, but the way things were back then, it showed she’d been really meaning to do it.
It was 16th March, that is the day right after my birthday. So you can assume we had a little family meetup for that, and of course with that interaction another fight of mum and dad began. The next day, the fight got worse and she decided to leave the house with 2 of us children(not the eldest brother, I don’t remember where he was back then. Maybe at a boarding school, but I’m not sure), without a notice to dad. My brother who was with us somehow messaged dad and let him know before we were about to travel out of the city. The things went really bad after that. We came back at home where our mum lives(it was sure at this point dad lives in a different house with his new mistress). The fight got so bad (both verbally and physically) that dad hit mum real bad. She was seriously in pain. He hit her very bad. He dragged her by hair to the master bedroom,, this is really painful writing
Anyhow, that was during the moment she went outside crying silently. Nobody followed her, everyone was in the room, and they stayed there. There were two more people other than 4 of us family members, they were our family friends. They were probably arguing with dad at the moment. As she left the room, I intuitively went along. She went to the laundry area and my heart was just dropping. She picked up the bottle of Phenol liquid or something and drank it all up. I started screaming for help the moment she went near the bottle area. Nobody was coming. They all came when she was done gulping it down and was experiencing the symptoms. This is what I saw her do: cry, push me away and then drink it. She made a little eye contact with me and pushed me away as I was trying to come near her and take the bottle away.
I hear her say nothing. She didn’t say a word after she got hit by dad. All she did was cry and then leave the room to take her life away. Although she did hear me say, “No, mum.” “No, please no” “please don’t do this” “please someone come for help!”, she kept pushing me away. I didn’t know what to do, while I was trying to stop her I really had to call someone for help too, so you can imagine I was approaching her, telling her to stop and calling for help all at the same time.
And she was only making silent eye contacts with me at the moment. Those eye contacts were very cold and angry. Ever since a child I’ve imagined my mother’s eyes to be really sad ones. The ones that are full of worry and sadness, but that was the only time I saw them full of anger/coldness, and nothing else. Not even sadness
Yes it is nice being validated.
It is exactly the case you mentioned. I “hear” my words being misunderstood and me being accused on the most random things I do. More than half of the time I imagine the things before hand; what are the all possible ways of my words or actions getting twisted enough in others’ eyes to be taken or misunderstood as bad/evil. It has really become a sub-conscious thing now, and I realize it AFTER I’m done accusing my own self and overthinking a little action of mine. But most of the times I don’t have the ability to distinguish, if my word, or action really hurt or affected the other party negatively or is it totally an irrational critic inside of me speaking. And as long as I remember I’ve dealt with this for a long long time. Ever since as a child I guess. What I called it in mind was “Dealing with the problems of justifiability of my morality”. I can’t justify what was moral or immoral, even though the intention was sincere, did the person get hurt, or discouraged or anything? This keeps me thinking A LOT.
Maybe it has to do with my parents’ arguments where at this point they ask their children to “pick a side” in the end, and you’d usually go with “both”, or try to come up with something to tell them sincerely that it is not that they think both of the parents are wrong or bad or unwanted in children’s eyes, but they misunderstand you. I’ve experienced this as a teenager too, when my calls and fights with me on the phone just to vent out his resentment towards mum. In his random outbursts, I’ve learned to stay silent now. Because if I reply with anything, even if it has a nice intention, he uses it against me to tell me that I support my mum AGAINST HIM. And my brain equals that out-of-blue argument to maybe I’m a bad person.
I have this fear too. Of losing someone if my actions or words are reached out too late. Or if they’re even at slightest the wrong. If what I said or did made them lose something (emotionally or physically), I’m the worst person alive. It is apparent that this deep rooted fear is from watching my mum attempt to take her life away. That fears me so much, still. I’ve lived with these thoughts like that since I was that 6-year old child.
When I get anxious on repetitive thoughts like the replies I made to my friend, I keep hanging on to a guilt of what I said (past), and fear of something that might happen (future). I mentioned past and future, because it really highlights my brain is hanging onto anything but the present.
Shortly, what I think is: the guilt, and judging myself repeatedly comes from my parents’ arguments, and the way my mum accused me for incest so quickly, so as a protective mechanism maybe I judge myself too quickly before anyone could. And the anxiousness comes from the fear of witnessing a loss again. I might be wrong
Something has been bothering me since a while. I have a feeling I’ve been overthinking this conversation I had with this friend I mentioned about having a hard time during quarantine. She is my closest friend. First, take this “bad person” complex that has been getting to me with this intense guilt that I’m being a failure at being a good friend. ‘
Then I texted these replies: “I really appreciate that you find me reliable. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being open to me about your stuff.”
Is there something wrong with these? I feel like I shouldn’t have texted that. I feel like she would have felt that she is being weak upon reading that or something. I feel like I should’ve texted appreciation for her as a friend too, that she listens to me when I need her too. I feel like I was being too stuck up, or made her feel like I’m somehow superior to her emotionally.
I know it sounds really lame and foolish that I overthink things that way. I’m a nervous wreck. I am feeling excessively anxious these days. My heart keeps dropping every two minutes, and my stomach keeps churning too.
I really don’t know how to overcome overthinking, or regretting over my words
Thank you very much for listening again, and for the encouragement.
I think I’d to end the “toxic friendship” thing by telling you the proper ending of it. One of my best friends had been very close with that friend I mentioned about, and started the thread about. About a week ago I shared her the reason I’d been avoiding this friend. Because I had the feeling she had been too around the same time I was. After hearing me she said THE EXACT thing happened with her. And after having a talk, we both discovered he really was the toxic friend among us and we were right cutting him off. He somehow used everyone to vent out, I wasn’t alone. I was into so much peace for the day after having that talk with her.
Ah I’m sorry for not elaborating it well. What I meant was: I can use this little experience to open up the essay, and then extend it towards traits and stuff. Like connect it, with my traits and how I deal with situations. I did not mean to say that I plan to make another art zine.
That is a really comforting and good advice, I’m at ease knowing it is NOT necessary checking off big things on to-do lists at the moment. Thank you for the suggestions, bless you. It was really comforting
And sure, I will type it away if I feel it that way.
Thank you very much for replying again. I read your response multiple times and pondered over the parts- especially the “middle ground” one.
It put me at ease oddly reading about that middle ground part. And I think I need to remind myself about the possibility and availability of a middle ground, even aside the personal statement work.
Thank you for pointing out the two traits on that too. And yes, I get it. Thank you for sharing your part of that struggle.
I’ve been thinking of narrating an experience of this February and relating it to the traits somehow. It was about me getting to do something I’ve been planning and dreaming to do for quite long. I finally got to make and print art zines of mine, and publish them. But it went quite bad and I faced loss. I think I can describe and connect, while narrating how I deal with difficult situations and yada yada. It’ll probably serve as a middle ground in this case, by not throwing serious topics in face of the readers, and not being too flowery either. Do you think it’ll work somehow?
Plus, I wanted an advice on a fresh but not-so fresh topic: Quarantine. How you or someone around you have been keeping up productivity? I’ve been getting zero things done. Not even being productive at art, or literally anything I enjoy or don’t equally. I worked quiet well when I had school, and juggled a lot of things and got them done. But when holidays or breaks come in, I lose all motivation to do anything. My head just overthinks when I’m awake. And it overthinks everything, believe me. And because I know there’s no “external body to provide me discipline” (school) I just know I don’t have to work. I hate staying home to guts. So I’ve been always using school and school activities as an excuse and escapism. Staying at home is messing up my mind so much. I’ve tried so much like make checklists, set my own deadlines, set rewards/punishments, and just anything to trick my brain into working but I got nothing out of it. Can you suggest me something to not dread this stay-at-home time, not overthink and probably get something done?
I hope you’re doing well.
It really feels comforting that I do know about the distinction of these behaviors.
*From what I meant by being not one of those people, is not that I was EXACTLY like my mother or that guy. I was a person who gave away too many presents, and origami stuff I made. I haven’t vented out excessively to others. To me, not giving others space and time meant giving away too much , from which they felt compelled to thank me back in a way. And same way, to me giving them space and time meant backing off with my constant “giving policy”. I hope it made sense!
(I’ve been thinking how about I write in my personal statement how my conditions have made me learn to take responsibility of my actions. This can be a trait I can extend to an essay. But I really doubt my creativity, that I’ll be able to take a bit serious topic into a light and flowery piece. Do you have opinions over this topic?)
Thank you very much.
About #3: I will admit firstly, I wasn’t one of those people. It’s been just more than an year, I realized. In fact one of my friends pointed it out to me. And I’ve since then started trying to be one of those people. Do you remember once I wrote about looking like a creep to everyone I interacted with, because I gave away too many presents? I stopped doing that. I’m still progressing on being that. And it feels much better than before.
Do you feel like you ever picked up your mum’s behavior earlier or later?
About #4: I’m a bit confused on what you asked for? As in what way?
It’s completely okay. Yes, when I typed # 3 an 4, I had some actions I observed in my mind.
For number 3: It was the opposite of this action I first observed. When my mum had a lot of anxiety and she wouldn’t stop talking every five minutes. She expected someone to respond to her and have a company 24/7 by her side. So she used me for that purpose. I have talked her out throughout childhood even about things a child shouldn’t be talking. Even participated in talks like, “What to do, my life doesn’t have a purpose and I want to die”. I only used this example to indicate that the topics were overwhelmingly serious for a child. Although, she mentioned suicide a lot to me from time to time. I had almost no space to myself. She didn’t give me time to respond or provided space on the days I felt like having some. So, when I met people like my current three close friends, I understood the importance and wonders of time and space in relationships through them. They are fine with company, and they’re better off by themselves too. They understand taking and giving space. A lot of people I met and I admire as ideals have this in common. You’re also an example! (if I don’t sound cheeky)
Number four: I can’t really recall a lot regarding this. I think the friend I talked about who has very strict parents has been a very very loyal one. She is the one I can recall I guess. But honestly, no one really has cheated or lied to me in any relationship under serious circumstances. I don’t think I have been lied to very badly. You can say almost everyone has been doing this “good action” to me, I am grateful
(I’m very comfortable with going on back and forth. I actually appreciate that you are willing to put this exercise up for me, in order to help me. I am willing to invest time into this)
1. Letting people you care about know that you are thinking of them on their celebratory and mourning occasions, so they can feel you actually like to participate in their life.
2. Saving energy and resources on your own budget to contribute to Earth a little something.
3. Giving time and space time in all sorts of relationships
4. Staying loyal and truthful in all sorts of relationships
5. Being open-minded with choosing to think about, speak of, or react to things you don’t personally agree with.
6. Offering help whenever you are in the might to do so, given if it doesn’t hurt yourself.
7. Listening to others calmly and keenly.
8. Taking responsibility of your own actions and words, and letting others do the same.
1. Judging and criticizing people for their likes/dislikes, especially if those preferences are harmless to anyone’s well being.
2. Talking a lot about the things you hate about. Especially spreading hate on things that are not directly harmful to anyone.
3. Believing that the world owes you something, just because you gave away something. (I’ve seen some very close people do this, and I think they are wrong to act like that majority the times.)
4. Making people feel bad about their appearance/identity.
5. Doing unhealthy things that hinder your productivity, affect your physical health, or relationships in a negative way and calling them “self-care”.
6. Always being late to the plans, intentionally/ Making others wait, without giving a concern
7. Lying excessively
Is the format of list correct? Or do you find something missing.
Thank you for your time
*anita, I’ve been able to complete community service hours, I’ve been preparing actively for my standardized tests too, I am intending to start Portfolio work once our house budget sets too. It’s just I can do most of the things for my goal of uni, except for writing a personal statement. Financial shortcomings and this inability to write personal essays hold me back to getting to bigger places. Almost any route will require me presenting a good part of me to others in order for them to know a stranger me and keep me in their trust. Whether it a job, uni application, or even a business. I feel very short of and incapable of these two things.
(I provided elaboration about it to give out bigger picture. I’m sorry if it was just TMI.)
I tried a lot to come up with a reply to your former post for me, but I just couldn’t. I doubt the reason is: I don’t even know what behavior makes me a “good” or “bad” person. I am like a stranger to myself when it comes to defining what things are good for me or bad for me. Same with my qualities. I’ve been trying to complete my personal statement for universities, and you might know it requires an insight to the writer’s personality and useful qualities/ attributes. I couldn’t see a single thing through that said: Hey, I am a good fit for being admitted into a university, I can name my good attributes and prove them creatively. It worried me a lot. Will I stay like this? I feel like I never change in a positive way or move forward. It feels so bad.
My teachers and school counselor would answer this with, “You are a creative person. You are preserved. We like your energy and passion.” It feels like they are describing a foreign person, someone I don’t know about. I am never able to see through myself or say good things. Describing them creatively to Common App sounds far off from reality. It made me stressed out, because I can not explain this reason others as to why I’m not being able to come up with a personal statement. And my inner self scolds me every hour in front of the blank Word Document: Javairia, if your stupidity and stubbornness to come in terms with yourself will affect your goal to get into that first preference uni, you will regret this very bad.
I am already regretting having to think I’m a fit for unis. I feel like my goals have disappeared after getting to know that I can’t even come up with a simple way to describe a good part of me. Who will even accept me the way I am?
When I read your response, I apologized to my friends right away, things were settled. I deleted that guy’s contact from my phone, and told him I won’t be available on texts. Although, he still follows me on Instagram, and messages me there. I have tried to ignore the messages frequently to cut down that communication too. I hope we slowly cut off completely. He’ll be completely better off without me, he is very social and vents out a lot to many people. So, thankfully I won’t feel like a “bad person” having him left unheard.
Thank you very much for wishing me safe. I hope things are going well for you, and you are doing great.