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Javairia

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 80 total)
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  • in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #366130
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am feeling really refreshed reading what you wrote: having an interesting life rather than a happy one. I really look up to people who prioritize having fun and value curiosity over just ‘being happy’. And I aspire to be one of them too. Being happy sounds like an empty goal, it shouldn’t be something as great as a life goal. And for some reason, it sounds more self-destructive to me.

    I am feeling a lot better than yesterday. Thank you for your kind words during this time

    Regards,

    Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #366057
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much for the advice again. If I am talking to adults I do not have to be super cautious, and with children I shouldn’t do or say things that make them feel the way my parents did. Is that right?

    I totally felt understood when you said there IS a reason for me to feel anxious, that is: the constant bickering and steaming anger of people around me. I have slowly realized this in past year that this place is indeed not for me. In one year I will have to move out for university anyway, so I hope things go well and I get out of home. Things won’t come easy for sure, I understood what you said, it’ll take time to calm down and slowly process, but oh well.

    Family therapy for sure isn’t practical. I couldn’t find a therapist for myself here, so that won’t work.

    I won’t be investing my words or actions in fights anymore. I will try not to listen. I’ve been listening loud music quite often to shut out noises sometimes, will continue that. I am sorry for replying late whenever you post on my thread by taking out some time. I am slowly losing motivation to do anything. I just hope schools reopen soon, and things get better

    I hope you’re okay

    Regards,

    Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #365505
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi Sonia,

    Thank you very much for your reply. I tried running away from the situation but I knew something would linger on this way. Just two days ago he texted me a ‘Hey’, which was the first message after three or four months I ghosted him. I knew what I had to do: fix what I didn’t before. I replied to him for the last time and said: “I am sorry for ghosting you without providing a reason. Our friendship was really exhausting for me. It was tiring so I left it out. I apologize for keeping you hanging around or wondering for this time. I should’ve said this earlier. I hope you do well in your friendships in future.” And he replied with, “That’s alright”, and that’s where it all ended for good and all. Thank you for your time

    Regards,

    Javairia

     

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #365500
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    (Continuing where I left off): So where is the middle ground to this? To this belief I have embodied inside of me that I have extreme destructive powers? I have no idea how to care just the right amount of how my actions make someone feel. What is a right amount and healthy limit of caring and not caring about your actions and words?

    And I would never do that in my relationships. I have actively reminded myself from a young age that I would not like to handle relationships like my parents did. I believe you are talking about generational trauma, right? It is best to stop the trauma and not pass on to your children those things you experienced as a child. Just in general, we have to grow as a person and unlearn unhealthy/toxic patterns that were passed on in our childhood.

    That part is clear and I totally understand your point about not repeating the mistakes. About learning to relax; do you have any suggestions, or a change in perspective I can show myself in times I am overthinking and over analyzing?

    I have dealt with anxiousness(I wouldn’t self-diagnose it ‘anxiety’) a lot. You probably know all the reasons behind that anxiousness and uneasiness. I fidget a lot. I move my legs a lot, I can’t stop shaking them. I pace A LOT. And somedays my heart just keeps beating really fast for no reason. Sometimes I forget to eat or sleep at time and maintain proper hygiene for myself. And that is why I asked you, “About learning to relax…” Because I am bad at this.

    [Response to your older question: Things are about the same as they were in 2019. I have to make the calls for money, still. Mom and brothers get extremely pissed off at little things and start a fight out-of-blue sometimes. Today my brother and mom had a fight, and everyone is just so angry. My middle brother has very bad anger management. I have a hint he is working on some meditation and workout for himself, but it still is very very hard for him to not slam the door loudly and yell as loudly. My eldest brother who was unwell in 2019 has gotten better, though, I hope he doesn’t think of hurting himself again. And mom- she has just gotten worse. She can’t help but initiate a fight at home whenever she gets a chance. She speaks harshly now and complains about every single thing she gets to complain about. That means she is frustrated. I’m guessing mostly because of the financial situation, because it’s hard to budget the way dad deals with money affairs for home. I tried to talk to her about that a couple of times last month but she dismisses any consolation and says it is pessimistic, everything is pessimistic.

    And my pet chickens are doing the best like always! They’re healthy and beautiful]

    Regards,

    Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #365391
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am guessing it’s because of irregular meal times, I get careless at eating meals on time. Though, I’ll take medicine if doesn’t get better!

    “The child believes that she has extreme powers to destroy.”

    This sentence stands for all the concerns I had in my mind that made up the “bad person” complex from the start. You couldn’t explain it better. I couldn’t even explain this to myself better. I assume I have this power to destruct with every single word and with the tiniest action, as if everything holds such a heavy weight the way it did. I have seen and lived closely with those people who attempted to take away their own lives(my mom and brother); there must have been someone else’s words or actions powerful enough to destruct so much of these peoples lives(my mom’s and brother’s). And so I have lived in constant balancing and over analyzing of each and every word because it might also DESTROY someone. The constant fear to destroy someone, to hurt someone, and to lose someone I care about.

    “We do not live among extremely sensitive situations like those days, Javairia.” I must remind myself this often.

    This just connects to many things. I will probably add more to it later and will answer your last question too, but I want to free my mind of other study tasks first.

    I really appreciate for all that you have advised me and consoled me for more than a year until now. I really do. I wish you happiness

    Regards,

    Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #365340
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I read your response that day, and somehow wanted to reply but I didn’t know for a long time what to say or talk about.

    It came to my mind a couple of times in previous months: ‘the psychotic hallucinations’. The term you used to explain that something can be believed and felt to be true when it’s not. I remind myself that sometimes when I’m saying very very irrational and untrue things to myself during negative self-talks. So thank you for that.

    And for reply to your latter message: I want to write that I am doing well. Physically, I am having very frequent stomach-aches recently. My stomach is unable to digest anything these days so I cannot eat properly.

    I am doing fine, other than that. But there’s this unsettling feeling I have, that I wanna talk about in a new thread

    I hope you’re doing perfect. Bless you. P.S. I am really sorry for a late late reply!

    Regards,

    Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #357530
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Rationally everyone can tell it was not the children’s fault in the house, of whatever happened in the adults’ lives that day. But you are correct. It was devastating for us, that’s why I still feel guilty of every little action of mine, and every word I speak. As if someone is going to grab something harmful again, and I’m going to lose them forever. My mind is really not thinking rationally more than half the times, and especially when this guilt hits over. “Bad person complex” is especially rooted to this incident. I’ve been envying people who are not that emotionally sensitive as I grew up to be. It’s an illogical thing to say, but I feel inferior to them.

    She has talked about it several times. More like re-called it. And that’s all, she just re-calls it. She doesn’t talk about if I felt scared or resentful or anything towards that action. She would leave it to be like, “Do you remember when your dad hit me, and I attempted suicide?”. And I find it weird why she would bring that topic up that way. Without even asking us how we felt, or even venting out herself, that she felt helpless that day. She simply re-calls it. So, no. No, she didn’t ever apologize. She’s never been sorry for doing that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about that. But, seriously I don’t feel like a victim to her actions, but deep down I sure am guilty.

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #357468
    Javairia
    Participant

    (the phenol liquid sure is strong. It wasn’t diluted, but the bottle wasn’t full. She stayed hospitalized for a week or two, and sick for more than a month)

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #357466
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for listening, like always.

    I hope you feel better after your walk, if reading it made you feel stressed out

    Take care

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #357458
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    When she attempted suicide, she really didn’t have a talk with us. It was very quick, something that came to her in the heat of the moment, but the way things were back then, it showed she’d been really meaning to do it.

    It was 16th March, that is the day right after my birthday. So you can assume we had a little family meetup for that, and of course with that interaction another fight of mum and dad began. The next day, the fight got worse and she decided to leave the house with 2 of us children(not the eldest brother, I don’t remember where he was back then. Maybe at a boarding school, but I’m not sure), without a notice to dad. My brother who was with us somehow messaged dad and let him know before we were about to travel out of the city. The things went really bad after that. We came back at home where our mum lives(it was sure at this point dad lives in a different house with his new mistress). The fight got so bad (both verbally and physically) that dad hit mum real bad. She was seriously in pain. He hit her very bad. He dragged her by hair to the master bedroom,, this is really painful writing

    Anyhow, that was during the moment she went outside crying silently. Nobody followed her, everyone was in the room, and they stayed there. There were two more people other than 4 of us family members, they were our family friends. They were probably arguing with dad at the moment. As she left the room, I intuitively went along. She went to the laundry area and my heart was just dropping. She picked up the bottle of Phenol liquid or something and drank it all up. I started screaming for help the moment she went near the bottle area. Nobody was coming. They all came when she was done gulping it down and was experiencing the symptoms. This is what I saw her do: cry, push me away and then drink it. She made a little eye contact with me and pushed me away as I was trying to come near her and take the bottle away.

    I hear her say nothing. She didn’t say a word after she got hit by dad. All she did was cry and then leave the room to take her life away. Although she did hear me say, “No, mum.” “No, please no” “please don’t do this” “please someone come for help!”, she kept pushing me away. I didn’t know what to do, while I was trying to stop her I really had to call someone for help too, so you can imagine I was approaching her, telling her to stop and calling for help all at the same time.

    And she was only making silent eye contacts with me at the moment. Those eye contacts were very cold and angry. Ever since a child I’ve imagined my mother’s eyes to be really sad ones. The ones that are full of worry and sadness, but that was the only time I saw them full of anger/coldness, and nothing else. Not even sadness

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #357171
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Yes it is nice being validated.

    It is exactly the case you mentioned. I “hear” my words being misunderstood and me being accused on the most random things I do. More than half of the time I imagine the things before hand; what are the all possible ways of my words or actions getting twisted enough in others’ eyes to be taken or misunderstood as bad/evil. It has really become a sub-conscious thing now, and I realize it AFTER I’m done accusing my own self and overthinking a little action of mine. But most of the times I don’t have the ability to distinguish, if my word, or action really hurt or affected the other party negatively or is it totally an irrational critic inside of me speaking. And as long as I remember I’ve dealt with this for a long long time. Ever since as a child I guess. What I called it in mind was “Dealing with the problems of justifiability of my morality”. I can’t justify what was moral or immoral, even though the intention was sincere, did the person get hurt, or discouraged or anything? This keeps me thinking A LOT.

    Maybe it has to do with my parents’ arguments where at this point they ask their children to “pick a side” in the end, and you’d usually go with “both”, or try to come up with something to tell them sincerely that it is not that they think both of the parents are wrong or bad or unwanted in children’s eyes, but they misunderstand you. I’ve experienced this as a teenager too, when my calls and fights with me on the phone just to vent out his resentment towards mum. In his random outbursts, I’ve learned to stay silent now. Because if I reply with anything, even if it has a nice intention, he uses it against me to tell me that I support my mum AGAINST HIM. And my brain equals that out-of-blue argument to maybe I’m a bad person.

    I have this fear too. Of losing someone if my actions or words are reached out too late. Or if they’re even at slightest the wrong. If what I said or did made them lose something (emotionally or physically), I’m the worst person alive. It is apparent that this deep rooted fear is from watching my mum attempt to take her life away. That fears me so much, still. I’ve lived with these thoughts like that since I was that 6-year old child.

    When I get anxious on repetitive thoughts like the replies I made to my friend, I keep hanging on to a guilt of what I said (past), and fear of something that might happen (future). I mentioned past and future, because it really highlights my brain is hanging onto anything but the present.

    Shortly, what I think is: the guilt, and judging myself repeatedly comes from my parents’ arguments, and the way my mum accused me for incest so quickly, so as a protective mechanism maybe I judge myself too quickly before anyone could. And the anxiousness comes from the fear of witnessing a loss again. I might be wrong

    Regards,

    Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #356995
    Javairia
    Participant

    Something has been bothering me since a while. I have a feeling I’ve been overthinking this conversation I had with this friend I mentioned about having a hard time during quarantine. She is my closest friend. First, take this “bad person” complex that has been getting to me with this intense guilt that I’m being a failure at being a good friend. ‘

    Then I texted these replies: “I really appreciate that you find me reliable. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being open to me about your stuff.”

    Is there something wrong with these? I feel like I shouldn’t have texted that. I feel like she would have felt that she is being weak upon reading that or something. I feel like I should’ve texted appreciation for her as a friend too, that she listens to me when I need her too. I feel like I was being too stuck up, or made her feel like I’m somehow superior to her emotionally.

    I know it sounds really lame and foolish that I overthink things that way. I’m a nervous wreck. I am feeling excessively anxious these days. My heart keeps dropping every two minutes, and my stomach keeps churning too.

    I really don’t know how to overcome overthinking, or regretting over my words

    -Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #356982
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much for listening again, and for the encouragement.

    I think I’d to end the “toxic friendship” thing by telling you the proper ending of it. One of my best friends had been very close with that friend I mentioned about, and started the thread about. About a week ago I shared her the reason I’d been avoiding this friend. Because I had the feeling she had been too around the same time I was. After hearing me she said THE EXACT thing happened with her. And after having a talk, we both discovered he really was the toxic friend among us and we were right cutting him off. He somehow used everyone to vent out, I wasn’t alone. I was into so much peace for the day after having that talk with her.

     

     

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #352670
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Ah I’m sorry for not elaborating it well. What I meant was: I can use this little experience to open up the essay, and then extend it towards traits and stuff. Like connect it, with my traits and how I deal with situations. I did not mean to say that I plan to make another art zine.

    That is a really comforting and good advice, I’m at ease knowing it is NOT necessary checking off big things on to-do lists at the moment. Thank you for the suggestions, bless you. It was really comforting

    And sure, I will type it away if I feel it that way.

    Regards,

    Javairia

    in reply to: Need an Advice for a friendship #352614
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much for replying again. I read your response multiple times and pondered over the parts- especially the “middle ground” one.

    It put me at ease oddly reading about that middle ground part. And I think I need to remind myself about the possibility and availability of a middle ground, even aside the personal statement work.

    Thank you for pointing out the two traits on that too. And yes, I get it. Thank you for sharing your part of that struggle.

    I’ve been thinking of narrating an experience of this February and relating it to the traits somehow. It was about me getting to do something I’ve been planning and dreaming to do for quite long. I finally got to make and print art zines of mine, and publish them. But it went quite bad and I faced loss. I think I can describe and connect, while narrating how I deal with difficult situations and yada yada. It’ll probably serve as a middle ground in this case, by not throwing serious topics in face of the readers, and not being too flowery either. Do you think it’ll work somehow?

    Plus, I wanted an advice on a fresh but not-so fresh topic: Quarantine. How you or someone around you have been keeping up productivity? I’ve been getting zero things done. Not even being productive at art, or literally anything I enjoy or don’t equally. I worked quiet well when I had school, and juggled a lot of things and got them done. But when holidays or breaks come in, I lose all motivation to do anything. My head just overthinks when I’m awake. And it overthinks everything, believe me. And because I know there’s no “external body to provide me discipline” (school) I just know I don’t have to work. I hate staying home to guts. So I’ve been always using school and school activities as an excuse and escapism. Staying at home is messing up my mind so much. I’ve tried so much like make checklists, set my own deadlines, set rewards/punishments, and just anything to trick my brain into working but I got nothing out of it. Can you suggest me something to not dread this stay-at-home time, not overthink and probably get something done?

    I hope you’re doing well.

    Regards,

    Javairia

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 80 total)