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Need an Advice for a friendship

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 82 total)
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  • #365412
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    You are welcome and thank you for wishing me well.

    “I have seen and lived closely with those people who attempted to take away their own lives (my mom and brother); there must have been someone else’s words or actions powerful enough to destruct so much of these people’s lives”-

    – in a child’s emotional experience, her parents’ words- and actions- are very powerful. When a parent says to the child: you are a bad little person! – these words hit the child hard and they hurt. When the parent makes a threat, a gesture or an attempt to kill herself, those words and actions scare the child terribly.

    Your mother heard her own parents’ words and those words hit her hard; you and your brother heard your parents’ words and those hit each one of you hard. But your words did not hit or hurt your mother, your words had no power over her. You said it yourself: when she was about to drink that poison, you begged  her not to, and she didn’t  listen to you and drank it anyway: your words had no power over her.

    When and if you become a mother, make sure that you don’t say to your child: you are a bad child! Make sure you will not tell your child that you will kill yourself, or make such gesture or attempt. Don’t say and do what your mother said and did to you, or in your presence. But you will not have to be careful about every single word you will say to your child, not every word has power. Same goes to actions.

    Extreme words and extreme actions (such as your parents said and did) have great power over a child, but not every word and every action has that potential. I bet there is a lot that your parents said and did that you don’t remember, words and actions that did not have power over you.

    Avoid extreme words and actions with your future child, avoid such with people in general, but no need to be so terribly careful anymore. Learn to relax, learn to live with yourself knowing you don’t have the power you used to believe that you did.

    anita

     

    #365500
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    (Continuing where I left off): So where is the middle ground to this? To this belief I have embodied inside of me that I have extreme destructive powers? I have no idea how to care just the right amount of how my actions make someone feel. What is a right amount and healthy limit of caring and not caring about your actions and words?

    And I would never do that in my relationships. I have actively reminded myself from a young age that I would not like to handle relationships like my parents did. I believe you are talking about generational trauma, right? It is best to stop the trauma and not pass on to your children those things you experienced as a child. Just in general, we have to grow as a person and unlearn unhealthy/toxic patterns that were passed on in our childhood.

    That part is clear and I totally understand your point about not repeating the mistakes. About learning to relax; do you have any suggestions, or a change in perspective I can show myself in times I am overthinking and over analyzing?

    I have dealt with anxiousness(I wouldn’t self-diagnose it ‘anxiety’) a lot. You probably know all the reasons behind that anxiousness and uneasiness. I fidget a lot. I move my legs a lot, I can’t stop shaking them. I pace A LOT. And somedays my heart just keeps beating really fast for no reason. Sometimes I forget to eat or sleep at time and maintain proper hygiene for myself. And that is why I asked you, “About learning to relax…” Because I am bad at this.

    [Response to your older question: Things are about the same as they were in 2019. I have to make the calls for money, still. Mom and brothers get extremely pissed off at little things and start a fight out-of-blue sometimes. Today my brother and mom had a fight, and everyone is just so angry. My middle brother has very bad anger management. I have a hint he is working on some meditation and workout for himself, but it still is very very hard for him to not slam the door loudly and yell as loudly. My eldest brother who was unwell in 2019 has gotten better, though, I hope he doesn’t think of hurting himself again. And mom- she has just gotten worse. She can’t help but initiate a fight at home whenever she gets a chance. She speaks harshly now and complains about every single thing she gets to complain about. That means she is frustrated. I’m guessing mostly because of the financial situation, because it’s hard to budget the way dad deals with money affairs for home. I tried to talk to her about that a couple of times last month but she dismisses any consolation and says it is pessimistic, everything is pessimistic.

    And my pet chickens are doing the best like always! They’re healthy and beautiful]

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #365504
    Sonia234
    Participant

    Dear Javaria,

    I understand where you’re coming from when you say you don’t want to be a hypocrite and then turn away from him after agreeing that it was bad of his friends to not check up on him.

    However, if he is actually a true friend he should be able to understand the fact that you have boundaries with friendships and need personal space sometimes which isn’t a bad thing.

    Everyone is different and deals with things differently some people like over sharing like your new friend, but some people don’t like too like you do.

    That doesn’t make you selfish or a bad friend he needs to respect you because not everyone is the same and everyone has boundaries. He needs to understand that him talking and contacting you too much is overwhelming for you because you are different in your own way and prefer to talk with a friend once in awhile not daily.

    My advice is being this upto him and straight up say it don’t hesitate i get he might be going through a lot but that isn’t your fault and if you keep things the way they are right now. It will most likely impact your mental health but in a negative away which isn’t good for you at all.

    And there’s nothing wrong with telling a friend you need space and need to take a break sometimes because we are all human after all not robots.

    If he takes what you’re saying negatively that’s on him but if he doesn’t that’s good but don’t let this situation linger on for too much longer.

    #365505
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi Sonia,

    Thank you very much for your reply. I tried running away from the situation but I knew something would linger on this way. Just two days ago he texted me a ‘Hey’, which was the first message after three or four months I ghosted him. I knew what I had to do: fix what I didn’t before. I replied to him for the last time and said: “I am sorry for ghosting you without providing a reason. Our friendship was really exhausting for me. It was tiring so I left it out. I apologize for keeping you hanging around or wondering for this time. I should’ve said this earlier. I hope you do well in your friendships in future.” And he replied with, “That’s alright”, and that’s where it all ended for good and all. Thank you for your time

    Regards,

    Javairia

     

    #365525
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    “What is a right amount and healthy limit of caring and not caring about your actions and words?”- it will take time and practice before it is possible for you to feel comfortable with that right amount. In my previous post to you, I tried to help in your beginning process of figuring the right amount by suggesting to you that (1) extreme words and actions are wrong to say/ do, and gave you examples of such, (2) you will have to be more cautious when you talk to children, but way less when talking to adults, especially your parents– because your words and actions were never powerful over your parents.

    “I would never do that.. “- I didn’t suggest that you will hurt your children with extreme words and actions, that was not on my mind. What was on my mind is to deliver to you the point that your mother’s/ parents’ words had lots of power over you and harmed you, but your words never had power over them, never harmed them, so you don’t have to be cautious when you talk to them.

    “About learning to relax; do you have any suggestions, or a change in perspective.. in times I am overthinking and over analyzing?”- yes, when you notice that you are overthinking and overanalyzing what you said to someone, ask yourself: who is that someone I said those words to? If the answer is: your mother, say to yourself: my words never had power over her, and they still don’t.

    If the person is another adult, say to yourself: this person is not a child. When this person was a child, someone’s words were very powerful, but I wasn’t there as an adult, so my words weren’t powerful in this person’s life then and they are not powerful now.

    Let this concept sink in, bit by bit, over time, let it slowly neutralize the overthinking.

    You then shared that you still live at home with your mother and brothers, that you still make those calls to your father for money, calls that have made you anxious for so long and which you don’t want to make, that today or yesterday, your brother and mother “had a fight, and everyone is just so angry”, that your mother and brothers “get extremely pissed off at little things and  start a fight out-of-blue sometimes”, that your middle brother has “very bad anger management”, that he slams the door loudly and yells, and your mother “has just gotten worse. She can’t help but initiate a fight at home whenever she gets a chance. She speaks harshly now and complains about every single thing”.

    You asked me: “I have dealt with anxiousness.. a lot.. I fidget a lot. I move my legs a lot, I can’t stop shaking them. I pace A LOT. And somedays my heart just keeps beating really fast for no reason.. And that is why I asked you, ‘About learning to relax..’ Because I am bad at this”-

    – how can you possibly relax when you live in a war zone? Your home is a war zone. You wrote that your heart beats really fast “for no reason”. But there are plenty of reasons: doors getting slammed, yelling, complaining, fighting.

    I understand that at times your heart beats really fast when there is no yelling, slammed doors, etc. But the way the brain/ body works is that it is preparing itself for the next time someone yells, slams doors, etc.

    When you fidget and pace- that’s the brain/ body wanting to run away from the war zone and find safety elsewhere. But it has nowhere to run to, so it runs..  in place, pacing.

    I am familiar with this running-in-place, the brain/ body running away without actually.. getting anywhere. I hope you understand what I am expressing here.

    You want to relax, you say that you are “bad at this”, bad at relaxing.  How can anyone possibly relax while living in a war zone… heavy medications perhaps, heavy tranquillizers can work temporarily, before you build up tolerance, or your body rejects those drugs as poison.

    The solution is of course, for you to leave that war zone as soon as possible. When you do that, then you will be able to learn  to relax- but even then, away from the war zone, in safety, it will take a long time and lots of practice before you are relaxed much of the time.

    Here is another solution which I imagine is not at all practical for you: the whole family: mother, brothers, you attend family therapy together and the counselor teaches everyone how to get along peacefully.

    In the meantime, before you are able to move out, try to not get involved in the fights, don’t participate, don’t try to solve their problems, their disagreements, instead- disengage best you can. Wear earplugs so to not hear the yelling and slamming of doors as loudly, play music so to neutralize the hostile sounds around. When a fight breaks out, leave the house for a walk outside, or go to a park where you can get a break.

    anita

    #366057
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much for the advice again. If I am talking to adults I do not have to be super cautious, and with children I shouldn’t do or say things that make them feel the way my parents did. Is that right?

    I totally felt understood when you said there IS a reason for me to feel anxious, that is: the constant bickering and steaming anger of people around me. I have slowly realized this in past year that this place is indeed not for me. In one year I will have to move out for university anyway, so I hope things go well and I get out of home. Things won’t come easy for sure, I understood what you said, it’ll take time to calm down and slowly process, but oh well.

    Family therapy for sure isn’t practical. I couldn’t find a therapist for myself here, so that won’t work.

    I won’t be investing my words or actions in fights anymore. I will try not to listen. I’ve been listening loud music quite often to shut out noises sometimes, will continue that. I am sorry for replying late whenever you post on my thread by taking out some time. I am slowly losing motivation to do anything. I just hope schools reopen soon, and things get better

    I hope you’re okay

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #366069
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    I am okay, thank you for hoping that I am okay. Yes, you understand correctly what I communicated to you in my Aug 25 post. Your recent post shows me that you understand your situation very well, good to read that! Also good to read that the plan is that you will be moving away from home in a year, although I wish it would have been sooner.

    Like you, I hope schools will re-open safely soon and that things will get better. Do your best at this time to survive, endure,  and make it to the next day and the next… toward a better life for yourself. What I focus on in my life, is having an interesting life rather than a happy life. Keeping it interesting, being curious, is easier than trying to be happy, and it keeps me going!

    anita

    #366130
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am feeling really refreshed reading what you wrote: having an interesting life rather than a happy one. I really look up to people who prioritize having fun and value curiosity over just ‘being happy’. And I aspire to be one of them too. Being happy sounds like an empty goal, it shouldn’t be something as great as a life goal. And for some reason, it sounds more self-destructive to me.

    I am feeling a lot better than yesterday. Thank you for your kind words during this time

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #366134
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    As I read the first paragraph of your recent post I had this peculiar feeling, as if I was reading my own words! I suppose this feeling means that I perfectly agree with what you wrote and how you wrote it.

    I am glad you are feeling better. When the feeling-better is gone, tell yourself that it will be back (because it will), and continue to focus on being curious and interested.

    anita

    #366293
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am glad we agree. Yes, I will remind myself this more often and write it down somewhere

    Thank you

    -Javairia

    #366299
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    You are welcome. I hope you feel comfortable to post here anytime you want to express your thoughts and feelings, as long as it helps you feel better. If you want to express yourself without receiving input, you can mention that; otherwise, I will reply to you every time you post.

    anita

    #366587
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    I am thinking about you, hoping you feeling okay, and if you are not, that you soon will be feeling better!

    anita

    #366761
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am very delighted to read your replies here today. Maybe I’ve been missing talking to friends and interacting with people in general, having little conversations and all. Although, our school reopened today; it was my first day, But I couldn’t interact or hang out with my friends much, and we have our exams coming up so everybody’s focused on studying more. I miss my friends  lot these days. I hope I can experience those interesting human interactions and take part in little conversations again! And things around the world get better too.

    I am doing well, just a bit nervous about exams and all the uni application stuff, but this should be fun I guess. I hope you’re doing well too

    I take some time to reply, because I try to absorb the things you put down for me to understand. Since they’re great advises, I take time to go over them time and again.

    And it is very considerate of you to mention that you will be willing to reply whenever I want to receive an input from someone. I am comforted to hear that. Although I hope you’re doing good yourself before putting in time for me.

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #366767
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    Good to read from you! I am as fine as I can be, given the pandemic, civil unrest, fires and having a dictator-in-the-making as president, where I live.

    Congratulations for your first day in school! Be as calm as you can be in regard to your exams and uni application, take little breaks when you get too stressed, and talk calmly to yourself (out loud or silently) on a regular basis. Don’t worry about not posting here every day, or every week- post whenever you want to, whenever you feel like it.

    “I hope you’re doing good yourself before putting in time for me”- putting time for you just made me smile (still smiling), this means that I am being good to me when I put time for you!

    anita

    #366848
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your considerate and calming words. And I hope the unrest in your country gets settled down.

    Okay then, it makes me happy if me writing here makes you feel good too!

    Regards,

    Javairia

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 82 total)

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