September 17, 2020 at 8:09 am #366851
You are welcome, Javairia, and thank you for your kind words!
anitaSeptember 18, 2020 at 10:14 am #366938
It was an average day yesterday. But today- today was heavy. My heart kept pounding like one of those days. My stomach was dropping for no reason. I felt really messed up
But now I look back, I had several worries today that were making up this whole heart-pounding, overall messy situation. The biggest worry was the “mandatory” call to dad; the list of financial responsibilities I had on my mind nonstop. And the little ones were the amount of things to study and how I will get done on time, and about other little to-dos.
And suddenly this frustration came over me. I felt as if everyone around me(in the classroom) was way better than me. Even though nobody can actually be compared that way, but I couldn’t help myself for the entire day comparing my situation with others. Comparing it with just anyone, friends, people I know in person closely. I felt like I have lost something that they haven’t. Even though, I could not claim such comparisons, also given that I do not own an entire script of someone’s life experiences. In short, I was being completely irrational and out of my head.
When I was at home I was grieving the wounded child. I was grieving the early scars. I tried hard to snap back from the past I was living in for the moment, but I couldn’t. I really wanted to cry my eyes out. I did cry, but not enough to let out the frustration. When there are days where I feel a dark, dark hole inside of me from the early wounds, everything on the outside suddenly feels so blindingly bright. Everyone around me; they seem so happy, so well off. Everything feels so bright and beautiful, and it hurts my eyes. “I’m alone existing separately from this beautiful world”. That’s how I feel
I was being TOTALLY illogical, right? That was kind of childish of me to let it consume me, but I felt like expressing it anyway. If you know what to do or not to if you fall into the sudden loop of reminiscing unpleasant/hurtful events for an entire day?
JavairiaSeptember 18, 2020 at 10:41 am #366940
You express yourself so well: “When there are days where I feel a dark, dark hole inside of me from early wounds, everything on the outside suddenly feels so blindingly bright. Everyone around me, they seem so happy.. Everything feels so bright and beautiful, and it hurts my eyes. ‘I’m alone existing separately from this beautiful world’, that’s how I feel.”- beautifully articulated.
“I was being TOTALLY illogical, right?”- you were anxious today, much because of the family role that was given you (I wish it wasn’t!), to call your father for money. Anxiety starts someplace and spreads from there, like fire. Your anxiety started with the thoughts of calling your father, and from there it spread to worrying you will not have enough time to study, and from there to comparing yourself to classmates, and from there to comparing yourself to anyone and everyone.
“If you know what to do or not to if you fall into the sudden loop of reminiscing unpleasant/ hurtful events for an entire day?”- do any of the following at any one time:
1. Distract- examples, take a walk outside, or get up from your chair and move around the house, listen to music, watch some quality youtube, take a cold shower, or a hot shower.
2. Express yourself, like you did posting here.
3. Listen to a guided meditation, such as Mark William’s series of mindfulness meditations, starting with regulating your breathing, or do any Mindfulness Exercise.
4. Try to accept that these early wounds (which keep getting re-opened when you make that call to your father, for example) are going to hurt for a long, long time. Not all day, every day, but occasionally. It is pain that you have to live with, so better live with it as peacefully as is possible for you. Don’t resist this pain, tensing up, don’t run away from it, in your own mind. Relax instead, keep yourself calm, again and again.
5. About it being bright out there, and everyone being so happy except for you- that’s a delusion. It is far, far… far from being the truth.
anitaSeptember 20, 2020 at 9:24 am #366972
About the suggestions you put out: They all seem very useful. I especially read the fourth and fifth one over and over.
thank you very much for your time, like always.
JavairiaSeptember 20, 2020 at 9:32 am #366973
You are welcome. I am glad you liked the fourth and fifth. When these get old for you and lose their spark, let me know and I will try to revive them in your mind by expanding on them.
anitaSeptember 24, 2020 at 9:02 pm #367200
Thank you, I will let you know.
I had a really hard time this week. Things aren’t going well. At times like this, I wonder: Am I too weak? Why is it that I’m not strong enough? Am I too sensitive to little things? If yes, then why I can’t I be tougher… I just got a call from dad in the morning. He subtly showed annoyance in his tone. He kind of indicated we are a burden. Or maybe I am looking into words a bit too much. But, really, that call broke me down. I am crying since. I do not feel good at all.
I am so so tired. I am not doing well in exam prep., things at home are going really bad, I am getting financially stressed.
Maybe calming down is what I need, but those things don’t disappear even if I distract for a while. It is too realistic to just disappear or resolve itself. Especially, financial matters, they don’t solve themselves, they’re stressing me out. Should I tell my parents to talk to each other for these things and stop making me make the calls? My dad would be definitely the one to reject this with all his might. He hates mom. Hates even listening to the sound of her voice. how would they make a call?
If it doesn’t work out, it’ll definitely create more chaos in house, with slamming doors, and everyone being bitter to each other. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll not be able to get rid of the responsibility.
My breath is getting shorter and I can’t stop the tears. I am so scared of living for another day
I am so sorry if it is too distressing or burdensome to read through. I hope you’re feeling okay
JavairiaSeptember 25, 2020 at 5:54 am #367218
You can share your burden here anytime, don’t worry about upsetting me. If your upset is just a bit less when you share it here, than please do share anytime.
If you printed your recent post and gave the paper to your father to read, and to your mother, separately- is there any chance that they will feel empathy for you, and concern for your exams performance/ future career?
If they feel empathy and concern for you, maybe they will take away from you this burdensome and troubling role, and choose to talk to each other, or find another person, an older person, to communicate through.
anitaOctober 11, 2020 at 8:25 am #367753
Thinking about you, Javairia.
anitaOctober 31, 2020 at 9:30 am #368474
It’s been a while since I posted. There was so much going on, and somehow things were also stuck at a mundane spot.
Ah, I never thought my sweet seventeen would be like this, ever.
About what you suggested: I thought of doing that a couple of times. But maybe, that’s not the solution. Their marriage is already so broken, two of them talking would never go right, never. And there’s not a single adult I know who has good enough relations with both my mom and dad to take on this responsibility. The only solution I see is to make an earning source to substitute the amount we have to depend on dad for. My mom is unemployed, and under-qualified for any proper jobs. Part-time jobs are not available in our small city, especially for women. So what I can do is to look for one myself. So I can get rid of the responsibility to call dad. He ignores our calls a lot now anyway. I think he doesn’t want to support us anymore, even though mom and dad are not divorced yet, and he knows she is unemployed.
Our schools reopened last month. I use school as an excuse to get out of that constant bickering and arguments. I feel a bit nice at school.
I feel really frustrated because of mom whenever I’m at home, because she always throws away her frustration of being short on finances at me, and thus the chain reaction begins. But one day she said, “I would have been dead long ago. I really don’t have a reason to live. I have to live just because you, my children exist” She just lives to fulfill one, single responsibility? That is us? It made me think back to her attempted suicide, her suicidal thoughts that she had shared before to the young me. Yes, she really wanted to die. And still does. My frustration for her goes away when I remember those words she said to me recently.
I just want to be better for others. To be deserving of good and healthy enough relationships, friendships. I want to be better and open for better people.
Everyone at our house is having a hard time, it’s not just me. And I’m pretty sure this is what they call a broken or dysfunctional family. But oh well, this conclusion doesn’t add up to anything at all.
I just hope I am a better person than I am right now.
Aside of all that brain vomit I put out: I was really delighted to know you were thinking of me. I hope you’re doing great!
Thank you so much for your time and kindness again
JavairiaOctober 31, 2020 at 11:02 am #368484
You are welcome, Javairia, good to read from you! I am fine, thank you for wishing me to do great.
I understand what you wrote about it being impossible for your mother and father to communicate directly and that there are no volunteers to take on your unfortunate, and anxiety-producing job of calling your father asking for money to support your household.
Regarding your mother “always throws away her frustration of being short on finances at” you- I wish she didn’t do that- it is selfish and inconsiderate of her own daughter, to just throw away her frustrations at you- you should not be a.. garbage container for her frustrations!!!
“one day she said, ‘I would have been dead long ago. I really don’t have a reason to live. I have to live just because you, my children exist”- similar to what my mother told me many times.
You continued: “She just lives to fulfill one, single responsibility? That is us?”- that’s what I thought when my mother said those things to me. I thought that she really lived just for me and for my sister. I thought so for years until I finally figured it out.. no, no, she lived because she wanted to live. If she lived “just to fulfill one, single responsibility” of being a parent- she (my mother/ your mother) would have cared to do a way better job at that one, single responsibility!!!
Those three exclamation marks right there express my anger and frustration at a mother’s dishonesty and guilt-tripping her daughter’s based on a false statement. Again, if a mother lives for just one thing, to benefit her children- then she doesn’t go out of her way to harm them by dumping her frustrations on them and scaring them terribly with suicide talk!!!
Regarding your mother’s suicide attempt in the past, “Yes, she really wanted to die. And still does”- that one attempt (I don’t know if it was an honest suicide attempt or ..an honest attempt to harm herself just enough to scare her family members) does not mean, even if it was a sincere attempt, that every day after she sincerely wants to end her life. Consider her kind of talk as her dumping her frustrations- and she gets to feel a bit lighter/ better for it.
“I just want to be better for others. to be observing of good and healthy enough relationships, friendships. I want to be better and open for better people”- I admire you for this. You give me hope for a better world.
anitaNovember 6, 2020 at 10:35 pm #368747
You’re welcome, it’s nice to know.
It feels liberating to read those lines over and over- that we are not that one responsibility she’s living for. I’m sorry you had to go through the similar experience. I totally got what you wanted to express. No matter how extreme her choice of words is, a parent can be dishonest to their children too.
Also, my mother is a compulsive liar. I’ve noticed that since I was very young. She’s been always lying out of habit for no reason- even in normal, relaxed conversations. She even lies to me about our budget sometimes. I understand she’s trying to nervously save up to get through the month I guess?? But it still hurts me sometimes that she lies to me and doesn’t provide honest details of our budget, just to gear me up for asking for more money.
I feel appreciated, thank you for the encouraging words
-JavairiaNovember 7, 2020 at 11:07 am #368763
You are welcome. You are so very gracious, I was always impressed by your grace. I didn’t know that your mother is and has been a compulsive liar, but I am not surprised. This means that you can’t trust anything she says, remember that: doubt what she tells you, remember that the person speaking to you is a compulsive liar.
“she lies to me and doesn’t provide honest details of our budget, just to gear me up for asking for more money”- she lies to you, to her own daughter, the one she allegedly claims to live for.. She dishonestly manipulates you, that is, attempting to make you believe something that is not true for the purpose of motivating to do something that will benefit her.
You don’t owe her anything. Whatever you owed her, you paid back long ago. No reason to be loyal to a person who lies to you and who dishonestly manipulates you. The fact that she gave you birth and carries the title “mother” does not take anything away from another fact, that she is not worthy of your trust or loyalty.
anitaNovember 13, 2020 at 1:02 am #369241
Thank you very much for your nice words.
I do doubt what she says, but it’s exhausting to doubt every word and conversation, and it makes me uneasy and tired sometimes. I totally get your point, however. These words feel like a hug of reassurance every time I read them. Thank you for providing that. Thank you for the hug
I’m sorry for the late replies, I feel overwhelmed by everything that’s going on these days so it’s getting difficult to keep track of things.
I hope you’re doing well
JavairiaNovember 13, 2020 at 6:38 am #369248
I am okay, thank you, and you are welcome for the hug, here’s another one (hug)!
Don’t worry about late replies, there is no such thing as late replies from you, whenever you reply- that’s good enough for me.
Regarding doubting every word she says being tiring- I understand that. So better, if you can, to not listen/ not take in her words.. unless she asks you to do something, then do not just do what she wants you to do, but doubt her words and consider not doing what she wants you to do, or not doing it her way.
anitaNovember 21, 2020 at 12:11 am #369690
Thank you for another hug.
I’ve been trying to not listen often. I put on headphones and try to block out everything with music when there’s a fight or argument going around. And thankfully, schools are still open and I can get away with it for a few hours.