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Need an Advice for a friendship

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 48 total)
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  • #349872
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Good actions:

    1. Letting people you care about know that you are thinking of them on their celebratory and mourning occasions, so they can feel you actually like to participate in their life.

    2. Saving energy and resources on your own budget to contribute to Earth a little something.

    3. Giving time and space time in all sorts of relationships

    4. Staying loyal and truthful in all sorts of relationships

    5. Being open-minded with choosing to think about, speak of, or react to things you don’t personally agree with.

    6. Offering help whenever you are in the might to do so, given if it doesn’t hurt yourself.

    7. Listening to others calmly and keenly.

    8. Taking responsibility of your own actions and words, and letting others do the same.

    Bad Actions:

    1. Judging and criticizing people for their likes/dislikes, especially if those preferences are harmless to anyone’s well being.

    2. Talking a lot about the things you hate about. Especially spreading hate on things that are not directly harmful to anyone.

    3. Believing that the world owes you something, just because you gave away something. (I’ve seen some very close people do this, and I think they are wrong to act like that majority the times.)

    4. Making people feel bad about their appearance/identity.

    5. Doing unhealthy things that hinder your productivity, affect your physical health, or relationships in a negative way and calling them “self-care”.

    6. Always being late to the plans, intentionally/ Making others wait, without giving a concern

    7. Lying excessively

    Is the format of list correct? Or do you find something missing.

    Thank you for your time

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #349886
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    I don’t find anything missing; I am not looking for something that’s not in your list. Your list is plenty. Can you elaborate on #3: “Giving time and space time in all sorts of relationships” and #4: “Staying loyal and truthful in all sorts of relationships”, particularly what you mean in all sorts of relationships, and does it include all relationships as in the one with your mother (and if you do include your relationship with your mother, can you elaborate)?

    anita

    #349896
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    I apologize, the exercise I suggested was about you listing actions you observed other people doing (not your own actions), therefore please ignore the post above. My question then: can you elaborate on what good actions you witnessed people do in regard to 3 and 4?

    (This exercise will take work and time, going back and forth).

    anita

    #349992
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    It’s completely okay. Yes, when I typed # 3 an 4, I had some actions I observed in my mind.

    For number 3: It was the opposite of this action I first observed. When my mum had a lot of anxiety and she wouldn’t stop talking every five minutes. She expected someone to respond to her and have a company 24/7 by her side. So she used me for that purpose. I have talked her out throughout childhood even about things a child shouldn’t be talking. Even participated in talks like, “What to do, my life doesn’t have a purpose and I want to die”. I only used this example to indicate that the topics were overwhelmingly serious for a child. Although, she mentioned suicide a lot to me from time to time. I had almost no space to myself. She didn’t give me time to respond or provided space on the days I felt like having some. So, when I met people like my current three close friends, I understood the importance and wonders of time and space in relationships through them. They are fine with company, and they’re better off by themselves too. They understand taking and giving space. A lot of people I met and I admire as ideals have this in common. You’re also an example! (if I don’t sound cheeky)

    Number four: I can’t really recall a lot regarding this. I think the friend I talked about who has very strict parents has been a very very loyal one. She is the one I can recall I guess. But honestly, no one really has cheated or lied to me in any relationship under serious circumstances. I don’t think I have been lied to very badly. You can say almost everyone has been doing this “good action” to me, I am grateful

    (I’m very comfortable with going on back and forth. I actually appreciate that you are willing to put this exercise up for me, in order to help me. I am willing to invest time into this)

    Best Regards,

    Javairia

    #350036
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    I am glad you feel very comfortable with going on back and forth, and I too am willing to invest time into this, all the time that it takes. There is no rushing in this kind of work. Eventually, we’ll put it all together.

    Regarding #3: “Giving time and space time in all sorts of relationships”- you described your mother, when she “had a lot  of anxiety and she wouldn’t stop talking every five minutes. She expected someone to respond to her and have a company 24/7 by her side. So she used me for that purpose.. the topics were overwhelmingly serious for a child.. she mentioned suicide a lot to me from time to time. I had almost no space to myself”- this is amazing, everything in this quote describes my experience with my mother. Therefore I can definitely say: I understand.

    You wrote that you admire people who, unlike your mother (and mine),  “understand taking and giving space” (and thank you for considering me one of these people).

    1. Do you consider yourself one of these people?

    Regarding #4, “Staying loyal and truthful in all sorts of relationships”-

    2. Were you loyal to your mother, staying loyal to her all through your childhood when you availed yourself to her 24/7, hearing her anxious and suicidal talk?

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #350188
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much.

    About #3: I will admit firstly, I wasn’t one of those people. It’s been just more than an year, I realized. In fact one of my friends pointed it out to me. And I’ve since then started trying to be one of those people. Do you remember once I wrote about looking like a creep to everyone I interacted with, because I gave away too many presents? I stopped doing that. I’m still progressing on being that. And it feels much better than before.

    Do you feel like you ever picked up your mum’s behavior earlier or later?

    About #4: I’m a bit confused on what you asked for? As in what way?

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #350200
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    Two days ago, you wrote: “I don’t even know what behavior makes me a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person. I am like a stranger to myself when it comes to defining what things are good for me or bad for me. Same with my qualities”-

    – but you clearly defined something that is bad for you: oversharing and venting to another person, expecting the listener to be available to the one excessively venting,  which is what the “friend” did to you (page 1 of this thread), and what your mother did to you: “wouldn’t stop talking every five minutes.. have a company 24/7 by her side…. talks like, ‘What to  do, my life doesn’t have a purpose and I want to die”.

    So you  know clearly one behavior on the part of other people that is bad for you, and which you don’t want in your life. You also know that if it’s bad for you, it’s bad for other people too, and indeed you didn’t behave this way with the “friend” (page 1), and you shared in earlier threads (which you deleted) that as a child and onward, you took on a role  of a happy-go-lucky person, not complaining about anything so to not bring others down.

    In other words, you do know one good behavior/ good quality on your part that is “an insight to (your) personality and useful quality/ attribute” that you can put in a personal statement for universities!

    * In your most recent post, you wrote: “I wasn’t one of those people”, you mean: one of the people who  don’t excessively vent? This would be a surprise to me  because I remember you sharing that you pretended to be happy with friends, and at home, pretending to not have problems. Do I remember correctly?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #350214
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    It really feels comforting that I do know about the distinction of these behaviors.

    *From what I meant by being not one of those people, is not that I was EXACTLY like my mother or that guy. I was a person who gave away too many presents, and origami stuff I made. I haven’t vented out excessively to others. To me, not giving others space and time meant giving away too much , from which they felt compelled to thank me back in a way. And same way, to me giving them space and time meant backing off with my constant “giving policy”. I hope it made sense!

    (I’ve been thinking how about I write in my personal statement how my conditions have made me learn to take responsibility of my actions. This can be a trait I can extend to an essay. But I really doubt my creativity, that I’ll be able to take a bit serious topic into a light and flowery piece. Do you have opinions over this topic?)

    #350224
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    Yes, I remember now, the gifts. It is clear to me then that you cared early on in your life to not vent excessively to people, to not burden others with your distress by talking endlessly, complaining, talking about suicide etc., like your mother did to you. This is definitely a value and a personality trait on your part that will need to find its way to that personal statement you need to make for universities to whom you apply.

    When you gave people too many gifts and that made them feel uncomfortable, you changed that behavior, which is something your mother didn’t do: she didn’t stop venting to you even though it made you feel very uncomfortable (and I am sure it was clear to see by your facial expressions and behavior!)- this is another thing that will need to go into your personal statement: your  your willingness and ability to observe how your behavior affects others, and your willingness and ability to change your behavior for the benefit of others and yourself.

    You asked me in your earlier post: “Do you feel like you ever picked up your mum’s behavior earlier or later?”- like you, I suffered so much by her venting and suicide talk that I did not repeat that behavior! Especially with her: I pretended I was okay best I could so to not burden her. But I did repeat some of her behavior, which became mine: being judgmental and hostile toward other people, distrusting all other people sooner than later, and behaving accordingly to such distrust and hostility.

    “I really doubt my creativity, that I’ll be able to take a bit serious topic into a light and flowery piece. Do you have opinions over this topic?”- yes, don’t present a serious topic as a “light and flowery piece”. Present it as a serious topic! Between the extremes of an overly dramatic, excessively venting, suicidal person like your mother and mine and a happy-go-lucky person pretending to be fine and dandy at all times (like you’ve been trying to be), there is a middle ground.

    Let me know  of your thoughts at this point, whenever you are ready (no rushing of this kind of work).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #352614
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much for replying again. I read your response multiple times and pondered over the parts- especially the “middle ground” one.

    It put me at ease oddly reading about that middle ground part. And I think I need to remind myself about the possibility and availability of a middle ground, even aside the personal statement work.

    Thank you for pointing out the two traits on that too. And yes, I get it. Thank you for sharing your part of that struggle.

    I’ve been thinking of narrating an experience of this February and relating it to the traits somehow. It was about me getting to do something I’ve been planning and dreaming to do for quite long. I finally got to make and print art zines of mine, and publish them. But it went quite bad and I faced loss. I think I can describe and connect, while narrating how I deal with difficult situations and yada yada. It’ll probably serve as a middle ground in this case, by not throwing serious topics in face of the readers, and not being too flowery either. Do you think it’ll work somehow?

    Plus, I wanted an advice on a fresh but not-so fresh topic: Quarantine. How you or someone around you have been keeping up productivity? I’ve been getting zero things done. Not even being productive at art, or literally anything I enjoy or don’t equally. I worked quiet well when I had school, and juggled a lot of things and got them done. But when holidays or breaks come in, I lose all motivation to do anything. My head just overthinks when I’m awake. And it overthinks everything, believe me. And because I know there’s no “external body to provide me discipline” (school) I just know I don’t have to work. I hate staying home to guts. So I’ve been always using school and school activities as an excuse and escapism. Staying at home is messing up my mind so much. I’ve tried so much like make checklists, set my own deadlines, set rewards/punishments, and just anything to trick my brain into working but I got nothing out of it. Can you suggest me something to not dread this stay-at-home time, not overthink and probably get something done?

    I hope you’re doing well.

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #352644
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    You are welcome and thank you for wishing me well. I am fine, as fine as I can be during lockdown. I was far from being a party animal before the lockdown, but I miss being around people. I do get to be around people when shopping for food, but it’s not the same.

    I didn’t understand what you wrote here: “I can describe and connect, while narrating how I deal with difficult situations”- do you mean that you want to put together another art zine (a self published magazine, a collections of drawings, written work, photos and other artwork), so to express yourself in a way that is the middle ground between too heavy and too light?

    “Quarantine.. I’ve been getting zero things done.. anything I enjoy or don’t, equally.. My head just overthinks when I’m awake.. overthinks everything.. Staying home is messing up my mind so much. I’ve tried .. checklists, set my own deadlines, set rewards/ punishments.. but I got nothing out of it. Can you suggest me something to not dread this stay-at-home time, not overthink and probably get something done?”-

    I would say shift your goal from becoming productive during quarantine tosurviving quarantine. Take off from yourself the pressure to be productive. Make being productive an option, not a must-be. Allow yourself to relax, be it by reading a book and getting lost in someone else’s story, or doing your art for no other reason than to lose (your overthinking) in it.

    I take a 5.5 km walk outside every day and it helps with distress most of the time, maybe all of the time. I don’t know if that’s an  available option for you. Indoors- hot baths melt away distress and overthinking like magic.

    Back to the shifting of goal: relax into the humble goal of just surviving this pandemic, one day at a time, especially the days that don’t seem to end, in my experience. If typing away your feelings help, type them away here- and don’t worry about expressing yourself too heavily or seriously, and definitely no need to express yourself “too flowery”- you can practice that middle ground in your thread.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
    #352670
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Ah I’m sorry for not elaborating it well. What I meant was: I can use this little experience to open up the essay, and then extend it towards traits and stuff. Like connect it, with my traits and how I deal with situations. I did not mean to say that I plan to make another art zine.

    That is a really comforting and good advice, I’m at ease knowing it is NOT necessary checking off big things on to-do lists at the moment. Thank you for the suggestions, bless you. It was really comforting

    And sure, I will type it away if I feel it that way.

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #352688
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your blessing.

    It reads like a good idea: to make your previous work more personal, put more of you in it. I like it very much: you putting more of you into your art zine and into your own life otherwise, in every way!

    anita

    #356982
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much for listening again, and for the encouragement.

    I think I’d to end the “toxic friendship” thing by telling you the proper ending of it. One of my best friends had been very close with that friend I mentioned about, and started the thread about. About a week ago I shared her the reason I’d been avoiding this friend. Because I had the feeling she had been too around the same time I was. After hearing me she said THE EXACT thing happened with her. And after having a talk, we both discovered he really was the toxic friend among us and we were right cutting him off. He somehow used everyone to vent out, I wasn’t alone. I was into so much peace for the day after having that talk with her.

     

     

    #356995
    Javairia
    Participant

    Something has been bothering me since a while. I have a feeling I’ve been overthinking this conversation I had with this friend I mentioned about having a hard time during quarantine. She is my closest friend. First, take this “bad person” complex that has been getting to me with this intense guilt that I’m being a failure at being a good friend. ‘

    Then I texted these replies: “I really appreciate that you find me reliable. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being open to me about your stuff.”

    Is there something wrong with these? I feel like I shouldn’t have texted that. I feel like she would have felt that she is being weak upon reading that or something. I feel like I should’ve texted appreciation for her as a friend too, that she listens to me when I need her too. I feel like I was being too stuck up, or made her feel like I’m somehow superior to her emotionally.

    I know it sounds really lame and foolish that I overthink things that way. I’m a nervous wreck. I am feeling excessively anxious these days. My heart keeps dropping every two minutes, and my stomach keeps churning too.

    I really don’t know how to overcome overthinking, or regretting over my words

    -Javairia

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