January 25, 2023 at 5:31 pm #414443AnonymousGuest
I just checked: no, my arm doesn’t hurt anymore (it did a bit yesterday), thank you for asking!
The situation with your roommate is difficult: you miss the closeness you had with her, and seems to me that you were hoping that the two of you will get closer after your breakup.. but instead, she regularly talks to her crush/ boyfriend on the phone. You asked if I have any suggestions: well, you can ask her to not talk on the phone after a certain hour when you are trying to sleep. Beyond that, I don’t know what to suggest (I wish I did).
I didn’t quite understand the “Java are you in love?” conversation you had with her… are you hoping for a romantic relationship with your roommate?
anitaJanuary 25, 2023 at 5:33 pm #414444AnonymousGuest
* I don’t know why my post appears twice… feel free to ignore one of them, lolJanuary 26, 2023 at 12:18 am #414449
Glad to hear about your arm!
Well I might’ve written the things that gave an idea of a romantic interest. But no. I’m not romantically interested in her. I was just very used to her company I guess. And the point I was trying to make with calls was of jealousy; not as in I need her to talk with me like that, it was of I need someone to talk to as well. I hope it makes sense.
And the conversation was pretty random. She saw a couple in front of us and asked me if I’m in romantic love with someone right now (She clearly knew I had a girlfriend at that time). And I confirmed and said yes. And that put her off. Her response meant that all these people, including you, are in love and I find it annoying or frustrating. I didn’t like that response of hers.
So basically these days I felt that I became her. Just like the time I was in a relationship while she was single and trying to move on, she was passive aggresively mentioning her discontent. And now that she is presumably in one and I’ve broken up, I find myself jealous. I feel like I would’ve rooted for her if she wouldn’t have stone walled right after she got into one. It makes me feel like I was only a play time toy (again I’m only talking about our platonic friendship), and once she got a better distraction, she ghosted me.
This is why I felt humiliated and embarrased over the obsession of our friendship I have/had. I felt embarassed to feel jealous of my friend being in a relationship. It’s very childish of me.
Anyhow, I think a sensible thing for me to do is give her her own space. And find myself other friends and activities, especially during the call hours when I can keep myself busy with something else. Does it sound like a better idea?
Also, yes. I’ll suggest her to make calls outside after the bedtime. This was one of our rules, to begin with.
Thank you for your response, as always. Have a great day or night!
-JavaJanuary 26, 2023 at 8:11 am #414460AnonymousGuest
Thank you! I read your recent post and re-read the last and now I understand.
My first concern: “I go out of room, sit outside for the longest hours, tiring myself out and come back once it’s very late and I’m about to pass out… Once again, I’m dreading my own safe place“- this is very unfair to you: your room must feel safe to you, and your rest and sleep must not be prevented or interrupted by her talking on the phone (or doing anything that she can choose to not do).
“I’ll suggest her to make calls outside after the bedtime. This was one of our rules, to begin with“- she broke the rule she agreed on, and she needs to respect that rule again, every single night.
Let’s look at the short conversation you had with her back when you had a romantic partner and she did not: “Java are you in love?” You answered in an intelligent, witty, see-the-bigger-picture, thorough, general kind of way: “Well definitely, more than one kinds. Platonic, romantic, self-love kind, and more… In love with lots of people right now”. She then specified: “No I mean romantic. Are you romantically in love?”. You answered: “Yeah. with my girlfriend for sure”. Her response: “Ugh you’re in romantic love. f*** you“-
– her response was not a see-the-bigger-picture kind of response. In other words, her response did not include seeing Javi (How does Javi feel? How is Javi’s relationship going?) Her response was about seeing only herself: what does this mean to (roommate)? It is a self-centered response: being preoccupied with her feelings, her needs, her desires and not considering your feelings, needs and desires.
Her self-centeredness is evident otherwise while you’ve been not at all self-centered: you’ve considered her feelings, her needs etc., too much so, at the cost of your own well-being. You’ve been on the other end of the spectrum of self-centeredness: self-sacrificing (allowing her to talk on the phone at the cost of your feelings and sleep).
“It makes me feel like I was only a play time toy.. and once she got a better distraction, she ghosted me“- this is what very self-centered people do.
“I felt embarrassed to feel jealous of my friend being in a relationship. It’s very childish of me. Anyhow, I think a sensible thing for me to do is give her space”- your feelings are not childish, we all feel … everything there is to feel. Please peel off the embarrassment-feeling from the jealous- feeling.
Notice your response to your own feelings: you choose to do what is sensible, while she chooses to do what makes her feel better at the moment: if saying f*** you makes her feel better, that’s what she’ll say. If talking on the phone with her boyfriend makes her feel better.. that’s what she’ll do.
“I think a sensible thing for me to do is.. (to) find myself other friends“- yes, find yourself friends who are not self-centered, at least not to the extent that your roommate is.
“I’ll suggest her to make calls outside after the bedtime”- do more than suggest: re-establish the rule she agreed on previously and make sure it’s specific: no calls after a specific time. Does this all make sense to you?
anitaJanuary 27, 2023 at 4:32 am #414508TeddyParticipant
Hey Javairia: Have you ever tried going to ACA meetings? They’re 12-step meetings for people from dysfunctional families. I kinda just go to meditation meetings now myself, because with all the talking sometimes there’s too much content for me, but I’m still planning on doing a 5th step with a therapist soon. And I read the ACA book sometimes. I read a lot, but when we read the book in the meetings, I feel bad that I haven’t read the whole book yet, because I like designing my own self study/read my own books, you know!
of course, giving advice like this can be very codependent, but my biggest problem is isolation, so. 😸
what country are you in? You have a language barrier? That must make you sad!January 28, 2023 at 11:24 am #414553
Thank you for the response.
I do need to stop hanging around in friendships where others are too self centered. Recently I’m teaching myself to slowly break off from relationships where I’m the only giver and the other person is the taker. I came to the realization that one of my close friends here only calls me when they have a favor to ask or an errand for me to run. And another one only talks about their emotional burden when we hang out, while gives me no words of comfort or a listening ear if I ever try to speak.
I’m happy to realize that. It feels like getting a burden off of shoulders.
Thank you for your words and time. It always helps.
Sending you so much love
-JavaJanuary 28, 2023 at 11:41 am #414554
Hi there Teddy.
Thanks for stopping by!
I just searched up about ACA meetings. I’m still a bit short on information on how these sessions work out. But I’m definitely interested! I tried putting in my location but nothing popped up, so I guess I can stick with online meetings for now?
Would love to hear your experiences with meditation meetings so far. I’ve never tried meditating. As it seems too intimidating to me. I feel like it will be too hard for me for some reason?
(There’s a language barrier for people who come here for the first time for sure. I was raised in a polyglot environment, so I didn’t have trouble learning the new language. Thus the language barrier only used to make me sad during the first few months here. )
Have a great day
-JavaJanuary 28, 2023 at 12:34 pm #414556AnonymousGuest
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.
You deserve to be given, to be comforted, to be listened to!
You are not here in this life to sacrifice yourself for self-centered people!
So much love back to you, Java!
anitaFebruary 3, 2023 at 1:30 am #414906
How are you? Thank you for the response once again.
How is life treating you? How has 2023 been so far?
JavaFebruary 3, 2023 at 5:50 am #414910AnonymousGuest
testingFebruary 3, 2023 at 6:02 am #414912AnonymousGuest
You are welcome and I am fine, thank you. 2023 so far has been fine and dandy (this is a saying I often use: fine-and-dandy). It is 6 am here right now, still dark outside, I hear the wind blowing. I know it’s cold outside but it’s warm and nice inside. I am drinking a strong cup of coffee, typing words on the computer screen for Java to read.
anitaFebruary 3, 2023 at 1:32 pm #414926
It’s nice to hear that 2023 has been fine and dandy! It’s also surprising and lovely to know it’s cold outside but warm inside for you— with the company of a cup of coffee—as I felt the same a few hours ago: it was incredibly snowy but I was all warmed up with warm sweaters and socks, with a chocolate bar and a cup of tea.
I hope you have a great day. So grateful that Java got to read your response.February 4, 2023 at 5:36 am #414937AnonymousGuest
Your message is so cute: using my fine-and-dandy saying and referring to yourself in the 3rd person (“So grateful that Java got to read your response”); makes me smile this very early morning, imagining you with sweaters and socks and a chocolate bar (I love chocolate.. but then, doesn’t everyone? I like mine melted though, melted on top of vanilla ice cream on top of cake)!
anitaFebruary 6, 2023 at 7:44 am #415070AnonymousGuest
Unfortunately, there is a high probability that I will be removed from the forums today, and because we’ve been communicating for years, I don’t want to just disappear.. so here I am to say (in case I am removed): goodbye Javairia. Please be good to yourself, pretty please… I want you to be… fine and dandy!
anitaFebruary 12, 2023 at 7:11 am #415240
I liked your response very much, though I couldn’t reply to it sooner. I’m sorry, I had some troubles with my computer. Haven’t tried the melted chocolate on top of vanilla ice cream, on top of cake combo. Very intrigued to try it now! :>
I will miss you dearly. I’m immensely thankful for all the times you’ve healed my bad days with your kind words and for the positive influence you’ve brought to me throughout the years.
I wish you, too, stay fine and dandy, always! I will always miss and remember you. May you be healthy, safe and loved.
P.S. Stay interesting