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I feel alone

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  • #391056
    Javairia
    Participant

    I remember being taken to a therapist by my mom’s friend who is a nurse. At that time I was sick and admitted in the hospital for some back problems, and when she heard about what has been going around in our house between mom and dad, in a conversation between my mom and her, she decided to take to the children’s therapist as well. At that time I didn’t say anything. Not a single thing came out of my mouth. Then the therapist gave me a paper with her phone number, and in a few days I was discharged and we returned to our city. It was a just a one-time therapy session because I had no guts to dial up her number, nor we went back to the hospital or that city for a while. This was me at about age of 9 or 10.

    When I was 14 in the summer of 2017, I felt the need to see a therapist. My best friend moved back to the country her father had his business in, and my father left for a vacation overseas without providing any financial support or a notice. It was disstressful. I couldn’t see a therapist, I’d have to stay in another city for that.

    When I was 16 in 2019, I felt the need to see a therapist. This time I knew what the 9 or 10 year old me felt, what were all the words she had to say. Everything was hitting me all at once, all of a sudden. It came too late, I know. My mother’s attempt of suicide, my sexual assault, my parents’ separation… everything suddenly resurfaced to me on the night my eldest brother attempted suicide. I was suddenly felt with unbearable sorrow; for my younger self, for my present self, and for my future self. That sorrow hasn’t left me ever since. Though I have an idea I was an anxious child as long as I can remember. I wasn’t a tired or unhappy kid at all. But on that day all my energy left my body.

    I tried asking for help again: I posted on this forum and a really kind person (Anita) helped me talk it out, and also suggested I see a therapist. My career counselor and I tried searching for one, but none was available in our city, I’d have to move to another city, which was apparently not an option.

    A month ago (December 1st) I lost my pet of 6 years, and I felt the need to talk to someone again. I managed to get a few appointments but each of them ended up with never getting to talk to them. I’m in a country where I need a translator with me to communicate with doctors. I have asked every single contact that I know can translate for me and none of them are available to accompany. And I don’t have enough allowance to hire a translator for a therapy session that I don’t know will even work out or not. And I might have to spend a lot for more sessions to come.

    I truly feel dejected. It comes out really cynical, but that’s all I can see it as. I’ve heard that when you reach out for help, there’re people who will help you. I’ve heard that you’re never alone. But there’s not a single contact on my phone to call when I feel like I’m the only person in this world. There’s not a single friend whose house I can stop by and have a breather with, or whom I can atleast call when I feel like crying. My contact list is so small and I’m even an inconvinience to the hospitals.

    #391066
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    I am sorry that you lost your pet of 6 years this past December. We lost our pet too this December: Hunter the beagle. He was the neighbors’ dog, but he visited us multiple times per day, for years! We’ve been feeding him and giving him treats every day, and I did not yet put away his bowl or his food. I miss him so much and it is difficult for me to understand that I can never again see his huge brown eyes and the white tip of his tail, never again hear him bark and grunt when he eats his favorite foods… or pet him.

    I am sorry that you do not have the psychotherapy and otherwise, the social support that you need in real-life. You are welcome to return here to your thread at any time, or to go back to an old one or start a new thread- so to express your thoughts, your feelings, your life experiences… I want to read more from you!

    anita

     

     

    #391551
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Javairia?

    anita

    #411877
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    It’s almost the next January. A year.

    Today I finished reading The Stranger (by Albert Camus). It will be midnight in about half an hour, and something, on this night, took me back to this thread. I feel alone.

    To catch up on some things: Firstly, I’m truly sorry for the loss of Hunter. I hope your neighbors and you are coping well. I can understand that if someone so close and dear is removed from your daily life, it feels like a terrible loss. It sucks. Best wishes to you and all your loved ones. Sending loads of hugs!

    Second: I did manage to find two therapists over the course of summer holidays this year. The first one kept ghosting me before sessions so it couldn’t work out at all. The next one, whom I had around 5 or 6 sessions with, also didn’t work out. I was feeling  constantly judged and she was not the best listener (for me). It was hard to open up or be comfortable with her. Right now I’m not actively looking for a therapist but might do during holidays.

    As I mentioned I happened to come back to this thread tonight (much shamefully and selfishly, must I say?) for the reason I created this thread. I was spiraling into this “chronic isolation” of mine. It’s harder to shake off than other days. I have people on my phone who want to talk to me everyday and tell me stories to keep me distracted. I also have assignments from university that can keep me busy for long. I can go to movies or anywhere. But it all just doesn’t work out. And often I find myself lonesome and desolated. Maybe all those people who want to talk to me don’t understand me and I can’t explain them about myself. Maybe it’s too much. So I journal or read or just sit paralyzed in fear and anxiousness, some days. Like today.

    Well thank goodness I have a thread on a website out of billion others where I can write and feel understood. There’s also a cup of finished tea on my table, which my roommate made for me as I was craving my traditional tea today.

    How’re you anita? How was your day? or how has it been going so far?

    -java

    #411880
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    Welcome back to your thread, good to read from you!!! I will reply further tomorrow!

    anita

    #411900
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia/ java:

    I am fine, thank you for asking and for your words regarding Hunter. I still miss him. I am sorry to read that you didn’t find quality therapy yet, but I appreciate it that you tried.

    “I happened to come back to this thread tonight..  for the reason I created this thread. I was spiraling into this ‘chronic isolation‘ of mine..  I have people on my phone who want to talk to me every day… Maybe all those people who want to talk to me don’t understand me..  There’s also a cup of finished tea on my table, which my roommate made for me as I was craving my traditional tea today”-

    – your roommate understood that you craved traditional tea and she did something about it, she made the tea you craved. That was a break from your chronic isolation, wasn’t it? Maybe that break motivated you to return to your thread and talk to me. Or maybe it was Albert Camus’s chronic isolation that made you want a break from your own.

    In his book The Stranger, the main character is Meursault who learns of the death of his mother, and takes time off from work to attend her funeral, but he shows no signs of grief or mourning that the people around him expect from someone in his situation. A quote from somewhere in the book: “Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday; I can’t be sure“.

    You and I had this one thing in common, among other things, in regard to our mothers: their real or feigned attempted suicides. That in itself is enough to throw a child into a nothingness kind of emotional existence, an indifference, a place of void, of emptiness.. isn’t it?

    anita

     

    #411939
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia: will I read back from you…?

    anita

    #414133
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m truly sorry that I’ve gotten worse at replying. I will be more active at replying and not leave your replies hanging in thin air. I’m sorry again. Also I want you to know that I’m grateful for and cherish all the time you put on my threads and on many any other threads here. You are an awesome human being with an awesome heart and brain.

    Now back to the thread: Thanks a lot. It was also great hearing from you again!

    I really liked your analysis on the book. I agree, our mothers’ actions and various other events that happened in our childhoods, as you mentioned, definitely threw us into this void. It’s hard to explain but yes, it does feel like floating in the abyss and trying to stay afloat every so often.

    I went through a breakup a week or two later I posted here. It was right before my finals, so even if I was sad, I remained distracted because of the deadlines. However, since past week our break started, it has taken a toll on me. I don’t have any emotional capacity to do the simplest tasks. Cooking myself anything, taking a shower, doing laundry, drawing or reading a book… Everything seems like a painful chore.

    If I’m being honest I’ve felt this way since 2019 (when my brother attempted suicide). But it came in bouts. Everything has been a chore, another merely task to get rid of, since that time. It’d get worse some days or weeks but this time I feel extremely desolated. You know, anita, I acknowledge that I was in a toxic environment back then. But because we were all miserable I didn’t feel the kind of desolation I feel now. My friends- the ones here and the ones back in my home country- are usually busy. Most of them here are working a lot and thus cancelling plans or have been unable to make any to begin with. And the ones back home are also busy with university stuff all the time (they’re all studying medicine). My roommate who I’ve been very close with since past year, is working a lot these days, and when she’s not working she’s either hanging out with her friends, going out or talking on the phone with her crush. We used to hang out a lot, but now she’s all occupied and cancels on anything I suggest that we can do.

    The point I’m trying to make is: envy. I’ve never felt this way when I was at home. I’ve never had a single urge to go out and hangout with my friends outside of school. I’ve never even felt miserable about this isolation in the way I do now. Now it comes with envy. Because others around me have it perhaps better than what I do and now it stings. Because I went through a breakup recently, it’s unbearable to listen to my roommate call her crush every night and giggle and smile. I feel extremely deserted.

    And now I feel like I have none left of the two worlds- the one I had back there, and the one that I have here. I understand that thinking miserable will only make me more miserable but it’s hard to think that all that’s happened until today has any reason to keep fighting. I can’t think of anything worth fighting for.

    I’m sorry for such a gloomy post. I wish I could write a nice update, maybe that’s why I was waiting to reply for a while.

    How was the weather today? Do you still go on your daily runs?

    -Java

    #414141
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia: I will read and reply to you Fri morning (it is Thursday evening now, my time).

    anita

    #414152
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi anita, Sure! Have a good night

    #414167
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    The weather is warm for a winter, and today, like yesterday, the sun is shining. I will go for my daily walk in an hour or so (I don’t run).

    I was in a toxic environment back then. But because we were all miserable I didn’t feel the kind of desolation I feel now… I’ve never had a single urge to go out and hangout with my friends outside of school. I’ve never even felt miserable about this isolation in the way I do now“- reads like back then, living at home with your mother etc., you were used to the isolation and depression, you were adjusted to it. It was a bitter life, but you were used to the bitterness.

    The point I’m trying to make is: envy. I’ve never felt this way when I was at home. .. Now it comes with envy. Because others around me have it perhaps better than what I do and now it stings. Because I went through a breakup recently, it’s unbearable to listen to my roommate call her crush every night and giggle and smile“- reads like after you left home and lived away from your old life, you experienced a sweet taste of a new kind of life: you had friends and a relationship. But most recently, your relationship ended and your friends are busy with their lives, and so, you are tasting the same-old bitterness of isolation and depression… only that now, it tastes even more bitter because you know how sweetness tastes. You are not as adjusted to bitterness anymore because you experienced something different.

    I think that the envy of your friends is about wanting more of that sweet-tasting life.

    I feel extremely deserted. And now I feel like I have none left of the two worlds- the one I had back there, and the one that I have here“- please stay away from your old world, and look forward for a bit more sweetness in your new world. You already tasted it and liked it, and you can have more of it.

    I can’t think of anything worth fighting for“- a sweet kind of life, at least once in a while, is worth fighting for!

    anita

     

    #414189
    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    The weather has been the same here as well. I hope you had a nice walk; do you enjoy it as much as running?

    I love your response, anita. The sweetness-bitterness thing matches up perfectly.

    Although, on the back of my mind the meaninglessness of running after sweetness or running from bitterness is still festering. I also believe I can tilt my perspective slightly to adjust that this all doesn’t need to be a painful chase. I can’t be putting such a precise effort into chasing after sweet and running away from bitter. All I need to do is stay in this new world right now.

    Even though there’s no script or manual; Am I thinking right?

    -java

    #414202
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    The weather was not sunny yesterday, but rainy (not heavily though). I don’t know how the weather will be today as it is still dark outside (6:40 am here). I slept very poorly last night and woke up very early because I had a flu vaccine shot in one arm yesterday, and an upgraded Covid vaccine shot in the other, and one of my arms hurts.

    Do you enjoy it as much as running?“- I don’t run at all and I wouldn’t enjoy it at this point if I ran. I walk fast, so it’s aerobic exercise. It’s better for the joints to walk instead of running.

    This all doesn’t need to be a painful chase. I can’t be putting such a precise effort into chasing after sweet and running away from bitter. All I need to do is stay in this new world right now. Even though there’s no script or manual; Am I thinking right?“- yes, you are thinking right and I am impressed!

    No running (bad for the joints… and by the way, if you ran from predator like a mountain lion, it will get excited and chase fast, so it’s not a good idea to run when facing a predator); No chasing anyone or anything;  and you write your own script and manual!

    anita

    #414441
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I hope you’re feeling recovered from the vaccine shots and your arm is better too.

    Yes I understand, I hope today’s walk was a nice, special one.

    It’s been 3 days or so since I wrote this and yet I’ve been running painfully fast from someone in life during this time. As I mentioned earlier: I have a roommate whom I’m very close with. Recently she’s been talking with her crush (or boyfriend, I’m not sure because we haven’t catched up in a while and we speak different languages so I can’t tell much from the calls) every night in the room. And the calls are pretty long. Embarrasingly enough, those calls put me off. A lot.

    We used to hang out very often. Eat meals together. Go out. And even cuddle in bed when we were tired. Since my breakup, she started getting busier with work. The last two times when we hung out in the mid of january, I told her about my breakup. And she somehow seemed relieved, was making jokes here and there of how I’m getting a “breakup glow” on my face and was mentioning how I was doing breakup cleanings in the room. Instead of asking me how I’m really feeling, she kept smiling. I might’ve misjudged her intent or she might be happy or relaxed about other stuff. During that time she was doing great at work, her grades came out really nice and her crush had also started texting and calling very frequently. So it might’ve been difficult for her to empathize with me. And since the begining, deep down I knew she was trying her best to root for my relationship but deep down she was not happy. She went through a breakup in last May with her boyfriend of 2 or 3 years. When she came back from summer holidays she mentioned a few times that she was not over her ex. And that it was hard to not think about him. So when I got into a relationship in November, she cheered on me but once we also had this sort of conversation in a park, when we spotted two people holding hands:
    “Java are you in love?”
    “Well definitely, more than one kinds. Platonic, romantic, self-love kind, and more… In love with lots of people right now”
    “No I mean romantic. Are you romantically in love?”
    “Yeah. with my girlfriend for sure”
    “Ugh you’re in romantic love. fuck you”

    I never tried to bring up my relationship a lot, didn’t talk much in the room on call with my girlfriend, in order to not make her feel alone or to not remind her of anyone.

    So back to after-my-breakup-period: she got busier with work and calls. So if she was not working, she was on the phone. And vice versa.

    I’m embarassed to admit that the nighttime seems like a nightmare in my room. She gets back home at night and then the call begins. And so I can’t even make a single conversation. I go out of room, sit outside for the longest hours, tiring myself out and come back once it’s very late and I’m about to pass out.

    It’s so hard to not feel desolated. I feel like blasting my ears off with music whenever the call comes on. Once again, I’m dreading my own safe place. Once again I’m not at home.

    During this time, whenever i’ve tried making any plans, she’s put them off by saying she was busy. And yet she also complained twice that I come back to sleep at unreasonable hours, that I’m not in my room so often that I’m acting like a runaway.

    It’s getting so hard to share the room with a person I was so close and comfortable with. And because of a reason that is so humiliating and embarassing.

    Any suggestions?

    -Java

    #414442
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    I just checked: no, my arm doesn’t hurt anymore (it did a bit yesterday), thank you for asking!

    The situation with your roommate is difficult: you miss the closeness you had with her, and seems to me that you were hoping that the two of you will get closer after your breakup.. but instead, she regularly talks to her crush/ boyfriend on the phone. You asked if I have any suggestions: well, you can ask her to not talk on the phone after a certain hour when you are trying to sleep. Beyond that, I don’t know what to suggest (I wish I did).

    I didn’t quite understand the  “Java are you in love?” conversation you had with her… are you hoping for a romantic relationship with your roommate?

    anita

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