Dear Mary:

I think he owes you an honest conversation, or a few conversations where the two of you sit together, maybe in a quiet coffee shop and talk. Don’t rely on what a friend told you about your hookup/boyfriend’s state of mind and heart. You should get the information from the man himself!

So, yes, one long conversation or better, a series of conversations. He owes you the information you need so to understand what happened and what may happen, if anything at all. You need clarity before you figure out what to do- and not to do- next.

anita

After what you’ve written, I’m not sure why you would welcome this man into your life. He’s got character flaws, is disrespectful, sounds manipulative. I’ve known a few of these in my lifetime. The feelings you are experiencing are endorphins from being single for awhile and then finally meeting someone and having sex. Look at the science of it rather than just focusing on your feelings (which are based on a lie).

I can guarantee that he won’t have an honest conversation with you if you press further. I don’t think he feels he owes you that, to be honest, as this was set-up from the start as a hook-up situation.

He’s contacting you because he is looking for an ego stroke (and will probably at some point play with your emotions further to get more easy sex). You have indicated that this isn’t something you want, so honour your soul and demand more in life which in this case is a loving relationship. My best recommendation is to block, block, block and just keep moving forward.

Hi Mary,

I am going through pretty much everything you are describing with a guy I reconnected with after several years apart. In the past, a relationship was never in the cards for us because of our 8 year age difference. However, we reconnected this past Summer when he was in town visiting his family and I began to see him in a different light, possibly because he seemed as if he matured. We both agreed to just a physical relationship but it started to change because of the mixed signals he sent to me. I began to develop feelings for him based on those mixed messages. For the first time in a long time, I felt desired and wanted and I was high from that feeling. But things started changing, seemingly overnight. Despite the fact we talked every day he began to distance himself. I began to call him out on it so he reeled me right back in with empty promises. He would be “all in” again for a few days but then it went right back to him being distant and him reaching out when the time was good for him. This back and forth went on for a few months. 2 weeks ago I decided to start putting myself first. This “relationship” was him calling the shots with no consideration of how I felt and what I wanted. As I’d done before, I told him I needed to walk away from this to get over him and move on. When this has happened before, he usually gave me 2 weeks of time alone and then started reaching out like nothing happened and I stupidly took him back. I thought maybe his attempts to reach out were because he missed me (and maybe he did a little bit) but it was clearly for him to feel better about himself. I also have the tendency to check in on him on Instagram and Snapchat, so I’ve deactivated those apps and removed them from my phone, which I have to say has helped tremendously. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what went wrong and why I was never enough for him.. unfortunately these thoughts have now triggered crippling panic attacks. I don’t want to spend my time thinking about him and why things ended up they way they did. I have to keep telling myself that this is on him. I did nothing to deserve this treatment, my only error was accepting it for as long as I did. I have no control over his behavior and actions (as much as I try to figure them out) but I have control over how I react to them. This has not been easy and some days I feel like I’m really struggling but I am trying to focus more on myself and practice more self-love.

I’m sorry you are going through a similar situation with this guy. All I can say, from personal experience, going “no contact” can be the best solution. In my case, I feel stronger each day I’m focusing on myself and not on the BS he consistently threw my way.

Best of luck to you!