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Mr. Unavailable & Mixed Signals Advice Needed

HomeForumsRelationshipsMr. Unavailable & Mixed Signals Advice Needed

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #281909
    Mary
    Participant

    I joined Bumble (big mistake) back in 2017 to meet men because I don’t go out often so meeting people in general is tough unless it’s through friends. I matched with this semi-attractive guy and he knew how to hold a conversation off the bat. I could tell he was a little reserved at first, but I don’t blame him. He did tell me that he was good with just hooking up and I stupidly agreed. We were seeing each other for a little over a year after this and I never felt so connected to someone, but sex does that to me. I get some people are able to just have sex without emotions or that sense of connection, but with him it was different. During this year of being romantically involved, he would start fights with me. I have anxiety and from time to time, I tend to push people away so I can be alone for a while, but I never told him that. He just assumed I was seeing other people and got upset because I wasn’t making time for him. We’ve had this similar fight more than once. We get aggravated with each other and he would show signs of jealously more than I would. I have some male friends and would post pictures with them on Instagram or snapchat and he would question me about it in a jealous manner. Yet he only wanted a hookup? Well, a few weeks ago I was sick of having this chemistry with someone without having the commitment. I’m definitely a relationship person all the way and told him this. But basically, I let him know I can’t see him anymore unless we can be exclusive because I developed feelings and continuing to be romantic when I feel this way will continue to destroy me. He was typing for a while, but I received three words as a response. I knew he had his heart broken badly years ago and he become emotionally unavailable ever since (a mutual friend told me this and that he never had a relationship or dated anyone since). When he gave me his short response, I responded back that I know you’ve been hurt and you clearly show the signs of that, but not everyone is going to hurt you, especially me. My feelings are genuine but you never give me the time of day to prove that. Again, short response. I went a day, maybe two without talking to him. But he started contacting me again. Not necessarily to hang out, but almost to stay connected in some way. I don’t understand why he would do that when I said if we can’t have something more, than this is done. But he always keeps the contact there. Not every day, but more often that I would expect. I don’t understand why he still contacts me after all this. I also don’t know how to stop being emotionally connected to him. I feel crazy now that I ended this because I keep looking at his instagram to see what new female followers he has or how many snapchats he sends and if he posts anything new. It’s like I rather be hung up over him than nothing at all, if that makes sense. I can’t tell if I just struggle letting someone go in situations like this because of the unknown possibility of it considering the contact is still there – like will he change his mind? I need guidance if it’s worth keeping that connection window open and how I can overcome these feelings in the meantime, or if it’s time I let go altogether and also overcome these feelings. I keep telling myself that if he really wanted to try and have something serious with me, I wouldn’t be posting this right now. I guess I just need an outsider looking in to tell me what I need to hear. I know I didn’t provide all the details, but I thought this would probably be enough to seek the advice I desire.

    #281939
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mary:

    I think he owes you an honest conversation, or a few conversations where the two of you sit together, maybe in a quiet coffee shop and talk. Don’t rely on what a friend told you about your hookup/boyfriend’s state of mind and heart. You should get the information from the man himself!

    So, yes, one long conversation or better, a series of conversations. He owes you the information you need so to understand what happened and what may happen, if anything at all. You need clarity before you figure out what to do- and not to do- next.

    anita

    #281999
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mary,

    I don’t know if you’d want to be romantically committed/involved with the jealous sort. Yes, jealousy is natural, but when you find yourself in fights over that, then it’s too much.

    Just because he’s in contact with you doesn’t mean you have to be in contact with him!

    Just my Opine,

    Inky

    #282011
    Michelle
    Participant

    After what you’ve written, I’m not sure why you would welcome this man into your life. He’s got character flaws, is disrespectful, sounds manipulative. I’ve known a few of these in my lifetime. The feelings you are experiencing are endorphins from being single for awhile and then finally meeting someone and having sex. Look at the science of it rather than just focusing on your feelings (which are based on a lie).

    I can guarantee that he won’t have an honest conversation with you if you press further. I don’t think he feels he owes you that, to be honest, as this was set-up from the start as a hook-up situation.

    He’s contacting you because he is looking for an ego stroke (and will probably at some point play with your emotions further to get more easy sex). You have indicated that this isn’t something you want, so honour your soul and demand more in life which in this case is a loving relationship. My best recommendation is to block, block, block and just keep moving forward.

    #282131
    Mark
    Participant

    Mary,

    I don’t understand why he still contacts me after all this. I also don’t know how to stop being emotionally connected to him.

    I need guidance if it’s worth keeping that connection window open and how I can overcome these feelings in the meantime, or if it’s time I let go altogether and also overcome these feelings.

    Sex keeps women physiologically connected to their sexual partners.  It’s a biological fact.

    I suggest that you re-read your post(s) and look at it.  If a friend posted this, what would you advise her to do?

    Mark

    #282377
    Brianne
    Participant

    Hi Mary,

    I am going through pretty much everything you are describing with a guy I reconnected with after several years apart. In the past, a relationship was never in the cards for us because of our 8 year age difference. However, we reconnected this past Summer when he was in town visiting his family and I began to see him in a different light, possibly because he seemed as if he matured. We both agreed to just a physical relationship but it started to change because of the mixed signals he sent to me. I began to develop feelings for him based on those mixed messages. For the first time in a long time, I felt desired and wanted and I was high from that feeling. But things started changing, seemingly overnight. Despite the fact we talked every day he began to distance himself. I began to call him out on it so he reeled me right back in with empty promises. He would be “all in” again for a few days but then it went right back to him being distant and him reaching out when the time was good for him. This back and forth went on for a few months. 2 weeks ago I decided to start putting myself first. This “relationship” was him calling the shots with no consideration of how I felt and what I wanted. As I’d done before, I told him I needed to walk away from this to get over him and move on. When this has happened before, he usually gave me 2 weeks of time alone and then started reaching out like nothing happened and I stupidly took him back. I thought maybe his attempts to reach out were because he missed me (and maybe he did a little bit) but it was clearly for him to feel better about himself. I also have the tendency to check in on him on Instagram and Snapchat, so I’ve deactivated those apps and removed them from my phone, which I have to say has helped tremendously. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what went wrong and why I was never enough for him.. unfortunately these thoughts have now triggered crippling panic attacks. I don’t want to spend my time thinking about him and why things ended up they way they did. I have to keep telling myself that this is on him. I did nothing to deserve this treatment, my only error was accepting it for as long as I did. I have no control over his behavior and actions (as much as I try to figure them out) but I have control over how I react to them. This has not been easy and some days I feel like I’m really struggling but I am trying to focus more on myself and practice more self-love.

    I’m sorry you are going through a similar situation with this guy. All I can say, from personal experience, going “no contact” can be the best solution. In my case, I feel stronger each day I’m focusing on myself and not on the BS he consistently threw my way.

    Best of luck to you!

    #282429
    Faith
    Participant

    Hello

    I joined tinder few months ago to meet new friends and people, then I match with a guy, he was cool and everything, we got along pretty quick, and he’s a good chatter, so he asked me out on a date and I agreed, on our first date he was been honest , he told me he was married and he’ll like to have someone with a sexual mutual understanding, I stupidly agreed with him, so we started our sexual life which was very interesting, most of the times he tells me how nice I am and how attractive he is to me, we chat every single day,so I think he started enloping feelings for me, cause sometimes he gets jealous when I told him about a French guy asking me out at my place of work, he got angry that night and said he hates French guys, so I told him I won’t talk to the guy again just to please him, few days ago he asked about my ex, the reason why we broke up, I didn’t want to tell him at first, but he insisted, so I told him, He also asked the last time I saw my ex, I told him I met my ex a month after I met him…..he finally asked if we had sex, I said no but we kissed for a while, I was just been honest with him….then he said what’s the difference between kisses and sex, then I told him, all of a sudden his chatting mood changed….he said, he’s at the gym…he’s listening to a song, ( The passengers :- let her go) and then he said goodnight and blocked me on WhatsApp and also blocked my number……I feel so sad right now, did I wronged him in anyway, I was just being honest….if he has feelings for me, why did he blocked me??? Is he going to unblock me in the future??…please help me, I’m so confused….I don’t know what to do….

    #287441
    Mary
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for the responses – I appreciate it! I took all of your advice in different pieces. I had the talk with him and firmly expressed how I feel and where I stand, and if it can’t grow into something more, then I need to walk away. He would still keep contact with me so I blocked him on everything. He mostly engaged with me over snapchat text so I blocked him on there. And then he texted me recently… I repeated the same conversation we’ve already had two times before and he wasn’t acknowledging my feelings. He was only focused on the sex. So I guess Michelle was right – I mean, I felt an emotional connection to him and I know the feelings were real and genuine because it still hurts. But as for him, it was just sex. If he even cares about me in any way, he needs to work on being more open with his thoughts and feelings. Who knows, maybe he really does care because why else would he keep coming back? You can have great sex with almost anyone so why come back when you have more options now and even before? He probably realizes I was the only one who treated him with love and respect and care. Either way, I’m trying to stop reading into these messages and “signals”. I’m sick of feeling this way and i know the right person will not have me thinking the thoughts I currently have now. So again, thank you all! Hopefully I’ll never have to vent about this again and learn from my feelings going forward.

    #287453
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mary:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote: “Who knows, maybe he really does care because why else would he keep coming back? .. He probably realizes I was the only one who treated him with love and respect and care”-

    – maybe he has a bit of care for you, maybe he has more than a bit from time to time, but you need more than a bit, and more than at this time or at another time. You need a good amount of consistent care, such that you can expect and rely on.

    My suggestion is that you see to it that if you do have contact with him, that your contact with him will not include sex. Maybe, just maybe, if he can’t have sex with you, he will open up to you otherwise, and only if and when he treats you with “love and respect and care” in the context of an exclusive relationship, if he does, for a few months, then consider having sex with him again.

    anita

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