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This topic contains 36 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Kay 2 months ago.

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  • #272063

    Kay
    Participant

    I am almost 30 years old and until 6 months ago I had never experienced any kind of relationship, not even a kiss. Not because I did not want, but because I am too shy and I have not found someone I feel confortable, I guess.
    <div dir=”auto”>But 6 months ago I tried online dating, I met this guy, who was very charming but I did not feel any attraction to him by then, but I did keep seeing him because he made me feel cared and I loved the attention.</div>
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    <div dir=”auto”>He kissed me for the first time and it feelt soo easy and good and we also started to make out, until that point he was like amazed with me and he said he was very lucky to find me.</div>
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    <div dir=”auto”>One day I had some extra alcohol on me, but I still knew what was happening, and I let him to try to have sex with me, I did not tell him I was a virgin and I was thinking it was not going to be a big deal, but it was… I was too tight and the whole thing just did not work. Since then he started to act distant, but I really enjoyed spending time with him like at the begining. He accepted me to go to his place again, honestly I did not know what was expecting, but he initiated the sex thing again, but I did not want it, I just want the things like they were before, but he insisted and forced me, I  had never feelt like that before, I did not feel like a human being, I just wanted all that to end. I do not even know if that time he could get inside of me or not… at the end I asked him why he treated me like that and he said that sex is all I wanted.</div>
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    <div dir=”auto”>After I leaved his place, I promissed myself i did not want to see him again, I was too hurt, both emotionally and physically. However I do not know why, some days after I contacted him again, he accepted to see each other again, I guess I just wanted the things to be like at the begining, he took me out to have dinner and to walk around, this time we went to my place where I live with my roomates. This time he asked me what I wanted to play (sexually), I said I just wanted to sleep, he was angry but he accepted it and we just sleept that night, I was thinking maybe everything would be like at the begining again, but at the next morning he came to me kissed me and tried to have sex again, this time I just did not say a word or move, just expected everyting to finish. Then he dissapeared and I felt devastated.</div>
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    <div dir=”auto”>Since then I felt like there was something wrong with me, but I moved on and I was doing it great trying to keep myself distracted.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>One month and a half ago I decided I was feeling good to try to know someone, so I started online dating again, which I feel like the only way to open up and let myself meet other people. I meet this guy, lets calle him CX.</div>
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    <div dir=”auto”>We did text a lot before we actually met in person, I did not want to make the same mistakes. We used to talk through the day and we were un a couple of dates. He never tried anything physical or innapropiate, but one day he asked me about my sexual experience, I guess somehow he figured out I was inexperienced. I told him I tried once but it did not work, I did not give him details. He said it was ok, that I was a good woman and that sex was just part of a relationship but not the whole thing. He also said that he really would like to have a serious relationship with me. After that we saw each other again, and the he just dissapeared and stopped replying to me at all.</div>
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    <div dir=”auto”>After that, everyting from the first experience came back and I just feel like if there is something wrong with me because of my lack of experience with sex. Some days I just wonder why not I just go out and have random hookups, so the next time I meet someone special, they do not run away. Why is sex so important? I do not even know if one day I am going to be able to have a normal relationship, I just feel so wrong</div>

    #272065

    Mark
    Participant

    Kay,

    Some observations from your post:
    You got raped when the first man forced himself on you.
    When you had him over your place, it seemed like he had non-consenual sex with you again.
    So your first experiences with sex were negative. Not pleasurable and literally forced on you.

    First I would get yourself checked to see if you contracted any STIs.
    Second, you might want to try just to have regular friendships instead looking for a sexual lover. It sounds like having any sort of relationship is a challenge for you. I would think sex is the last thing you “need” in your life right now.
    Make sense?

    Questions: Which culture, religion were you raised in? and kind of childhood have you had?
    Mark

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Mark.
    #272073

    Kay
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Yes,  I realize what he did to me, for many weeks I felt so angry with myself for letting that to happen, but finally I kind of forget  myself and I stopped thinking about that. I know I have to get tested, but I think I have been delaying that because I do not want to bring the shame and angry again, but definitely it is something I will do.

    And yes again, having any kind of relationship is a challenge for me. The point is, most of my friends are already married, with families and their own lifes, and everytime I just feel more isolated, even when I try to keep me busy when I have free time to think about that. I am not looking my self for a sexual lover, but it seems like that is the only important thing for men.

    I was raised in a conservative latino culture and raised Catholic. During my childhood there was a point in which I had friends, but then I got isolated and became more like an introvert, I do not really remember exactly how that hapened.

    #272087

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    I hope you feel better soon, and that this new year is a new and better  beginning for you.

    You wrote: “I just wonder why not I just go out and have random hookups, so the next time I meet someone  special, they do not run away. Why  is sex so important?”

    Random hookups are likely to bring you the same experiences you already had: “I did not feel like a human being, I  just wanted all  that to  end.. I was too hurt… I felt  devastated… I felt like there  was something wrong  with me … I felt  so angry with myself… shame and angry”-

    Better not have  these feelings again. And better not risk STDs and pregnancy.

    From reading your posts I understand that  you want a loving relationship with a man, more of what you felt with the first guy in the  beginning: “I really enjoyed spending time with him like at the beginning”-

    Let’s look at what happened in the beginning: “he  made  me  feel cared and  I loved the attention… he was like amazed with  me and he said he was very lucky to  find  me”- he communicated to you that you are special to him, valuable, a person he  is lucky to  be with.

    To get more of this beginning, you have to meet men but operate differently from the way you operated with the first man: learn who the  man is before you allow any sexual activity with the man. Make sure he cares about you and believes you are special to him, valuable, not only by the  words he said, and not only because he takes you to dinner and  pays for a date  or  a few  dates.

    Meet men in public places, such as restaurants or  coffee shops. Do  not go to their place or take them to your place. In these public places have conversations, ask him questions and expect him to ask  you questions about your hopes and dreams, about what scares you, what angers you. See to  it that  he  is interested in your mind and heart, in what  motivates you and what you value. Be interested in his mind and heart as well, what motivates  him, what does he  value.

    For example, the  first guy told you that he was very lucky  to find you. Let’s imagine you are sitting with him in a public place and he tells you: “I am so lucky to find you”. Ask him: “what about me makes  you feel lucky?” His answer will give you important information about what he values and maybe about his sincerity.

    You want to know, over time, that a guy doesn’t  say things just so to have sex  with  you later.

    You asked  why is sex so important- it is a physical drive animals are  born with, a  biological drive. Nature made  it  pleasurable so to  motivate animals to mate and bring upon the  next  generation. People figured they can experience the pleasure without bringing children into the world so they are motivated by pleasure alone when it comes to sex. Some  people lie so to  have  sex, others pay  for  it, some rape, and others want  it as  part  of a  loving relationship.

    Your job is to  find  a man of the fourth category that I mentioned.

    I have more to respond to in what you shared, but I don’t want this post to be  too long. I hope you post again and if you do, I will respond further.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #272097

    Kay
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thank you for your heartwarming response.

    Inside me I know that random hook ups are not the answer, but I feel so frustrated, because this last man I met just disappeared after he knew I do not have sex experience. He really seemed like a great man. I kind of did the things you mentioned, we saw each other in public places, we asked a lot of questions about each other, but I guess we did not know each other well enough, and eventually when the sex topic came out he would leave one way or another. That is what really frustrates me the most right now.

    Kay

    #272099

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kay,

    I am so sorry that happened to you!

    I would forget about online dating apps. Too many strange strangers. What I would do is be very open with your family, friends and church that you are open to meeting someone. A friend of someone you both know is WAY less likely to treat you badly. Could you imagine the first guy taking advantage of you or the second guy blowing you off if they were, say,  your aunt’s neighbor? The same rules still apply, though! Meet in a public place or at a family and friend get together.

    Wishing you All the Best, Kay,

    Inky

    #272101

    Kay
    Participant

    Thank you Inky!  I would definitely forget about online dating apps and try to meet people in real life through connections

    #272109

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    Let’s look what happened with the second guy, CX. You did operate way better with him, there was a lot  of texting before meeting him in person, lots of conversations and the couple of dates took place in public places.  He said the right things “it was ok, that I was a good woman and that sex was just a part of a relationship but not the whole thing. He also said that he really would like to have a serious relationship with me”. Reads like a decent guy so far.

    “and then he just disappeared and stopped replying to  me at all”, and your assumption is that he disappeared because he found out that you are sexually inexperienced. Then, based on this assumption, you came up with a solution, to hookup with guys and become sexually experienced.

    But what if your assumption is incorrect: maybe he even liked the fact that you are sexually inexperienced but he didn’t like something else about you? And based  on the wrong assumption you will be fixing a problem that was not at all a problem with him…

    When a person, CX for one, is on an  online dating site, it is not likely that you  were the only woman he communicated with or went on a date  with. There were others and so, you had competition. In that competition, you were dropped. Maybe he was attracted to a different woman because she has  a better paying job than you do, or she lives closer or.. some reason, I don’t know the reason and I think you don’t either.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #272121

    Michelle
    Participant

    Dear Kay – I just want to give you a hug. You have not been treated well and I can understand your hesitations. Do not give in to “hook up culture” though. It is not worth it. It will further dehumanize you. You are not a commodity. You are a human being with feelings, deserving of respect and love.

    I’m a little bit older than you and I find relationships these days really hard. Prior to my current one (which is going well), I had some bad experiences just like you. I was sexually assaulted by someone (my friends say it was rape). I also made the mistake of meeting up with him again afterwards because a) I was in denial that he would do that and wanted those good feelings of when we first met to return; this was me naively believing in the good in everyone; and, b) I didn’t want to identify as a victim of it. We shouldn’t hold this responsibility though. You did nothing wrong to either of these men. Don’t ever believe this is normal. Don’t ever accept it.

    #272135

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    After reading it again, yes, that sounds just crazy, even if that was the reason he disappeared.

    I can think of dozens of reasons about me and my life by which he would not want to be with me and I discussed with him the main ones, he seemed do not have any problem with that, but maybe it was something else I do not even know. Definitely I would have liked to know the reason(s) or at least to know that he was not longet interested. But that is something that probably I will never know…

     

    Kay

    #272137

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Michelle, Thanks for your words. Those two points you describe were exactly what I felt like, then I feel guilty and angry with myself, but I have been moving on, however this last experience just made me wonder crazy things.

    Definitely I am not going to throw myself to the hookup thing, I am starting to think more clearly and that is not what I want.

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    Kay

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Kay.
    #272151

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    You are new to online dating. From personal experience, it can be an effective way to locate a man for a long term love relationship if you operate it wisely. One thing to remember is that everyone gets rejected. The man who rejected you (by disappearing) was rejected himself and will be rejected again. You were rejected already and you will be rejected again.

    Everyone gets rejected. The key is to figure out what kind of a man you are interested in, for what kind of a relationship, then put together the most accurate, clear profile possible, and select individuals for possible meeting in person, in a public place for face to face conversation. These conversations can be thought of, if you will, as casual interviews, where the purpose is to learn about each other’s values, goals, motivations and so on.

    It is not about jumping into just anything with anyone. It is about a process of selection and evaluation so to get into a sensible, honest relationship with eyes open.

    I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Post again if you’d like and I will reply further when I return.

    anita

    #272169

    Mark
    Participant

    Kay,

    If you don’t want random sex then don’t continue doing what you are doing.

    I would try to make friends instead.  Make sense?

    If you find yourself getting pressured for sex from your online encounters then look to other ways of meeting people like MeetUp groups, clubs, classes, etc.

    Mark

    #272585

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, I am new to online dating even if when I did it almost for the whole last year. I found it a good way to meet people, because in real life I just feel unable to get to know people at first, maybe I am just too shy, but online I feel safer to make contact by text before moving to real life communication.

    However I think all the disappearing thing is just to much for me to handle. I would prefer to be rejected even by text, but not by disappearing, because even if rejection hurts It would not leave me with a lot of questions and making me feel like a complete failure.

     

    Kay

    #272589

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    The online dating experience itself, while  online,  is full of disappearances. The key is to test a person’s interest over time while still online, communicate with a person first, see if he responds to you again and again. Then maybe  go to the phone, see if he calls you again. Then meet in a public place: does he show up? Will he show up to a second date in the coffee shop/public place?

    So you test a person before you get too  involved. If you are not too involved, a disappearance doesn’t hurt that much, it is part of the online dating experience.

    One more thing: you communicate online with a few men at one time, then on the phone as well. Meet one man on a Saturday in a coffee shop,  another man on a Sunday. There is no reason to be exclusive when you are not yet in a physically intimate relationship and when exclusivity wasn’t  promised yet. This way makes any one man disappearing not a big deal, because there are other men and the process of communicating, meeting, learning and selecting continues.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
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