January 2, 2019 at 7:36 pm #272063
I am almost 30 years old and until 6 months ago I had never experienced any kind of relationship, not even a kiss. Not because I did not want, but because I am too shy and I have not found someone I feel confortable, I guess.But 6 months ago I tried online dating, I met this guy, who was very charming but I did not feel any attraction to him by then, but I did keep seeing him because he made me feel cared and I loved the attention.He kissed me for the first time and it feelt soo easy and good and we also started to make out, until that point he was like amazed with me and he said he was very lucky to find me.One day I had some extra alcohol on me, but I still knew what was happening, and I let him to try to have sex with me, I did not tell him I was a virgin and I was thinking it was not going to be a big deal, but it was… I was too tight and the whole thing just did not work. Since then he started to act distant, but I really enjoyed spending time with him like at the begining. He accepted me to go to his place again, honestly I did not know what was expecting, but he initiated the sex thing again, but I did not want it, I just want the things like they were before, but he insisted and forced me, I had never feelt like that before, I did not feel like a human being, I just wanted all that to end. I do not even know if that time he could get inside of me or not… at the end I asked him why he treated me like that and he said that sex is all I wanted.After I leaved his place, I promissed myself i did not want to see him again, I was too hurt, both emotionally and physically. However I do not know why, some days after I contacted him again, he accepted to see each other again, I guess I just wanted the things to be like at the begining, he took me out to have dinner and to walk around, this time we went to my place where I live with my roomates. This time he asked me what I wanted to play (sexually), I said I just wanted to sleep, he was angry but he accepted it and we just sleept that night, I was thinking maybe everything would be like at the begining again, but at the next morning he came to me kissed me and tried to have sex again, this time I just did not say a word or move, just expected everyting to finish. Then he dissapeared and I felt devastated.Since then I felt like there was something wrong with me, but I moved on and I was doing it great trying to keep myself distracted.One month and a half ago I decided I was feeling good to try to know someone, so I started online dating again, which I feel like the only way to open up and let myself meet other people. I meet this guy, lets calle him CX.We did text a lot before we actually met in person, I did not want to make the same mistakes. We used to talk through the day and we were un a couple of dates. He never tried anything physical or innapropiate, but one day he asked me about my sexual experience, I guess somehow he figured out I was inexperienced. I told him I tried once but it did not work, I did not give him details. He said it was ok, that I was a good woman and that sex was just part of a relationship but not the whole thing. He also said that he really would like to have a serious relationship with me. After that we saw each other again, and the he just dissapeared and stopped replying to me at all.After that, everyting from the first experience came back and I just feel like if there is something wrong with me because of my lack of experience with sex. Some days I just wonder why not I just go out and have random hookups, so the next time I meet someone special, they do not run away. Why is sex so important? I do not even know if one day I am going to be able to have a normal relationship, I just feel so wrongJanuary 2, 2019 at 8:05 pm #272065MarkParticipant
Some observations from your post:
You got raped when the first man forced himself on you.
When you had him over your place, it seemed like he had non-consenual sex with you again.
So your first experiences with sex were negative. Not pleasurable and literally forced on you.
First I would get yourself checked to see if you contracted any STIs.
Second, you might want to try just to have regular friendships instead looking for a sexual lover. It sounds like having any sort of relationship is a challenge for you. I would think sex is the last thing you “need” in your life right now.
Questions: Which culture, religion were you raised in? and kind of childhood have you had?
January 3, 2019 at 1:44 am #272073
- This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Mark.
Yes, I realize what he did to me, for many weeks I felt so angry with myself for letting that to happen, but finally I kind of forget myself and I stopped thinking about that. I know I have to get tested, but I think I have been delaying that because I do not want to bring the shame and angry again, but definitely it is something I will do.
And yes again, having any kind of relationship is a challenge for me. The point is, most of my friends are already married, with families and their own lifes, and everytime I just feel more isolated, even when I try to keep me busy when I have free time to think about that. I am not looking my self for a sexual lover, but it seems like that is the only important thing for men.
I was raised in a conservative latino culture and raised Catholic. During my childhood there was a point in which I had friends, but then I got isolated and became more like an introvert, I do not really remember exactly how that hapened.January 3, 2019 at 5:22 am #272087AnonymousGuest
I hope you feel better soon, and that this new year is a new and better beginning for you.
You wrote: “I just wonder why not I just go out and have random hookups, so the next time I meet someone special, they do not run away. Why is sex so important?”
Random hookups are likely to bring you the same experiences you already had: “I did not feel like a human being, I just wanted all that to end.. I was too hurt… I felt devastated… I felt like there was something wrong with me … I felt so angry with myself… shame and angry”-
Better not have these feelings again. And better not risk STDs and pregnancy.
From reading your posts I understand that you want a loving relationship with a man, more of what you felt with the first guy in the beginning: “I really enjoyed spending time with him like at the beginning”-
Let’s look at what happened in the beginning: “he made me feel cared and I loved the attention… he was like amazed with me and he said he was very lucky to find me”- he communicated to you that you are special to him, valuable, a person he is lucky to be with.
To get more of this beginning, you have to meet men but operate differently from the way you operated with the first man: learn who the man is before you allow any sexual activity with the man. Make sure he cares about you and believes you are special to him, valuable, not only by the words he said, and not only because he takes you to dinner and pays for a date or a few dates.
Meet men in public places, such as restaurants or coffee shops. Do not go to their place or take them to your place. In these public places have conversations, ask him questions and expect him to ask you questions about your hopes and dreams, about what scares you, what angers you. See to it that he is interested in your mind and heart, in what motivates you and what you value. Be interested in his mind and heart as well, what motivates him, what does he value.
For example, the first guy told you that he was very lucky to find you. Let’s imagine you are sitting with him in a public place and he tells you: “I am so lucky to find you”. Ask him: “what about me makes you feel lucky?” His answer will give you important information about what he values and maybe about his sincerity.
You want to know, over time, that a guy doesn’t say things just so to have sex with you later.
You asked why is sex so important- it is a physical drive animals are born with, a biological drive. Nature made it pleasurable so to motivate animals to mate and bring upon the next generation. People figured they can experience the pleasure without bringing children into the world so they are motivated by pleasure alone when it comes to sex. Some people lie so to have sex, others pay for it, some rape, and others want it as part of a loving relationship.
Your job is to find a man of the fourth category that I mentioned.
I have more to respond to in what you shared, but I don’t want this post to be too long. I hope you post again and if you do, I will respond further.
anitaJanuary 3, 2019 at 6:26 am #272097
Thank you for your heartwarming response.
Inside me I know that random hook ups are not the answer, but I feel so frustrated, because this last man I met just disappeared after he knew I do not have sex experience. He really seemed like a great man. I kind of did the things you mentioned, we saw each other in public places, we asked a lot of questions about each other, but I guess we did not know each other well enough, and eventually when the sex topic came out he would leave one way or another. That is what really frustrates me the most right now.
KayJanuary 3, 2019 at 6:38 am #272099InkyParticipant
I am so sorry that happened to you!
I would forget about online dating apps. Too many strange strangers. What I would do is be very open with your family, friends and church that you are open to meeting someone. A friend of someone you both know is WAY less likely to treat you badly. Could you imagine the first guy taking advantage of you or the second guy blowing you off if they were, say, your aunt’s neighbor? The same rules still apply, though! Meet in a public place or at a family and friend get together.
Wishing you All the Best, Kay,
InkyJanuary 3, 2019 at 6:52 am #272101
Thank you Inky! I would definitely forget about online dating apps and try to meet people in real life through connectionsJanuary 3, 2019 at 7:33 am #272109AnonymousGuest
Let’s look what happened with the second guy, CX. You did operate way better with him, there was a lot of texting before meeting him in person, lots of conversations and the couple of dates took place in public places. He said the right things “it was ok, that I was a good woman and that sex was just a part of a relationship but not the whole thing. He also said that he really would like to have a serious relationship with me”. Reads like a decent guy so far.
“and then he just disappeared and stopped replying to me at all”, and your assumption is that he disappeared because he found out that you are sexually inexperienced. Then, based on this assumption, you came up with a solution, to hookup with guys and become sexually experienced.
But what if your assumption is incorrect: maybe he even liked the fact that you are sexually inexperienced but he didn’t like something else about you? And based on the wrong assumption you will be fixing a problem that was not at all a problem with him…
When a person, CX for one, is on an online dating site, it is not likely that you were the only woman he communicated with or went on a date with. There were others and so, you had competition. In that competition, you were dropped. Maybe he was attracted to a different woman because she has a better paying job than you do, or she lives closer or.. some reason, I don’t know the reason and I think you don’t either.
What do you think?
anitaJanuary 3, 2019 at 10:21 am #272121MichelleParticipant
Dear Kay – I just want to give you a hug. You have not been treated well and I can understand your hesitations. Do not give in to “hook up culture” though. It is not worth it. It will further dehumanize you. You are not a commodity. You are a human being with feelings, deserving of respect and love.
I’m a little bit older than you and I find relationships these days really hard. Prior to my current one (which is going well), I had some bad experiences just like you. I was sexually assaulted by someone (my friends say it was rape). I also made the mistake of meeting up with him again afterwards because a) I was in denial that he would do that and wanted those good feelings of when we first met to return; this was me naively believing in the good in everyone; and, b) I didn’t want to identify as a victim of it. We shouldn’t hold this responsibility though. You did nothing wrong to either of these men. Don’t ever believe this is normal. Don’t ever accept it.January 3, 2019 at 11:03 am #272135
After reading it again, yes, that sounds just crazy, even if that was the reason he disappeared.
I can think of dozens of reasons about me and my life by which he would not want to be with me and I discussed with him the main ones, he seemed do not have any problem with that, but maybe it was something else I do not even know. Definitely I would have liked to know the reason(s) or at least to know that he was not longet interested. But that is something that probably I will never know…
KayJanuary 3, 2019 at 11:07 am #272137
Dear Michelle, Thanks for your words. Those two points you describe were exactly what I felt like, then I feel guilty and angry with myself, but I have been moving on, however this last experience just made me wonder crazy things.
Definitely I am not going to throw myself to the hookup thing, I am starting to think more clearly and that is not what I want.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
January 3, 2019 at 12:28 pm #272151AnonymousGuest
- This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Kay.
You are new to online dating. From personal experience, it can be an effective way to locate a man for a long term love relationship if you operate it wisely. One thing to remember is that everyone gets rejected. The man who rejected you (by disappearing) was rejected himself and will be rejected again. You were rejected already and you will be rejected again.
Everyone gets rejected. The key is to figure out what kind of a man you are interested in, for what kind of a relationship, then put together the most accurate, clear profile possible, and select individuals for possible meeting in person, in a public place for face to face conversation. These conversations can be thought of, if you will, as casual interviews, where the purpose is to learn about each other’s values, goals, motivations and so on.
It is not about jumping into just anything with anyone. It is about a process of selection and evaluation so to get into a sensible, honest relationship with eyes open.
I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Post again if you’d like and I will reply further when I return.
anitaJanuary 3, 2019 at 5:38 pm #272169MarkParticipant
If you don’t want random sex then don’t continue doing what you are doing.
I would try to make friends instead. Make sense?
If you find yourself getting pressured for sex from your online encounters then look to other ways of meeting people like MeetUp groups, clubs, classes, etc.
MarkJanuary 6, 2019 at 10:40 am #272585
Yes, I am new to online dating even if when I did it almost for the whole last year. I found it a good way to meet people, because in real life I just feel unable to get to know people at first, maybe I am just too shy, but online I feel safer to make contact by text before moving to real life communication.
However I think all the disappearing thing is just to much for me to handle. I would prefer to be rejected even by text, but not by disappearing, because even if rejection hurts It would not leave me with a lot of questions and making me feel like a complete failure.
KayJanuary 6, 2019 at 10:55 am #272589AnonymousGuest
The online dating experience itself, while online, is full of disappearances. The key is to test a person’s interest over time while still online, communicate with a person first, see if he responds to you again and again. Then maybe go to the phone, see if he calls you again. Then meet in a public place: does he show up? Will he show up to a second date in the coffee shop/public place?
So you test a person before you get too involved. If you are not too involved, a disappearance doesn’t hurt that much, it is part of the online dating experience.
One more thing: you communicate online with a few men at one time, then on the phone as well. Meet one man on a Saturday in a coffee shop, another man on a Sunday. There is no reason to be exclusive when you are not yet in a physically intimate relationship and when exclusivity wasn’t promised yet. This way makes any one man disappearing not a big deal, because there are other men and the process of communicating, meeting, learning and selecting continues.