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This topic contains 36 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Kay 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 37 total)
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  • #272591

    Kay
    Participant

    Mark,

    Yes, It makes sense. I have always tried all those things like meetups group, classes, etc before, not with romantic purposes, but with like professional or socialization tools. I think I have (maybe not a lot, but enough) good friends, most of them already have their own family and life, but I still can count on them.

    I think before all this online dating thing I was perfectly fine by my own, I did never really think that I needed a romantic relationship in my life, but I am not exactly sure why I started with online dating, maybe because I saw everyone starting their own family and I was the only person that have never had a relationship, not even kissed someone. And now when I see in retrospective,  I can see myself acting like desperate to have a relationship.

    Sometimes I just want to go back and be good with me and myself again, but even if I try to forget everything I just cannot. I try to do not think about all that and I can do it for a couple of days, then the thoughts come again and I feel sad, angry or sorry for myself..

    What I know right now is that I am leaving online dating, because people not being who I though they are or just disappearing, is something I clearly cannot handle.

    Kay

     

    #272603

    anita
    Participant

    * Kay, because you submitted your last post before knowing I replied to you just before, you might not  know that my most recent reply to you  is on page 1

    anita

    #272635

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    That is exactly what I tried to do when un online dating, during the last year many guys just dissapeared while texting, others after our first date, and I totally got it, there was not an inmediate chemistry during that first date.

    However with this last CX guy, we saw each other more than a couple times, and text daily through the day, I would say we were a out to decide if moving to a relationship or not when he dissapeared, that is what makes ir hard for me, plus it brings back the bad memories of the experience I mentioned before, because of the sex topic that was the last topic we taller about. During those last days I was not seeing anybody else, which hit me more.

     

    kay

    #272663

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    ** I am re-posting this, since I noticed my previous post had just too many typos. Hopefully it is more understandable now.

    That is exactly what I tried to do when in online dating, during the last year many guys just dissapeared while texting, others after our first date, and I totally got it, there was not an inmediate chemistry during that first date (or first real life interaction).

    However with this last CX guy, we saw each other more than a couple times, and text daily through the day, I would say we were about to decide if moving to a relationship or not when he dissapeared, that is what makes it hard for me, plus it brings back the bad memories of the experience I mentioned before, because of the sex topic that was the last topic we talked about. During those last days I was not seeing anybody else, which hit me more.

    Kay

    #272685

    Mithara
    Participant

    Dear Kay,

    I’m reading your story & must say I can relate as well. I haven’t had sex, made a few attempts & each time I was too tight. Both guys became frustrated & disappeared. However, I think you should stop with the online dating. Try friendship first & let’s everything else fall itself into place.

    Goodluck hun ♡

    #272737

    Kay
    Participant

    Hi Mithara,

    Thanks for sharing.

    I am wondering if I would ever have normal sex with someone. I guess It would need to be as you said, friendship first, so that person can really get to know me before jumping into a relationship, so once we are there we can work together on the sex part to work…

    kay

    #272741

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    Well, you have been learning from your online dating experience and making better  choices .

    From your first post on this page, page 2, I understand that you left or intend to abandon online dating. Thing is you don’t have any experience at all dating outside the online medium and you are almost thirty. If you aim at a loving relationship with a man, how will you make it happen?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by  anita.
    #272747

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I do not know, I guess I would just wait that someone likes me in real life and approaches to me. However, I think that is what I have been doing all this time, which makes everyting sound hopeless for me I know, but I think online dating is too superficial, as soon as there is something minimal that someone does not like, they just vanish, because there are just too many options that It does not worth the effort to invest in someone that has “something” they do not like.

    What I would like is for me to find that place in which I was before, in where I did not think in having a relationship at all and I was fine by myself, so I can stop all this pain that comes now and then.

    Kay

    #272755

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    So you want to give up  on having a relationship and  be at peace with it, correct?

    I was  wondering what brought about that shyness you mentioned as the reason you didn’t have a  relationship so far, before the recent online dating experiences? What was life at home  like, when you were a child, and are you still living at  home?

    (Share only if you want to. I am okay with you not answering these questions).

    anita

    #272763

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Is not that I want to give up on having a relationship, but I have to, I think all this is too intense for me to handle it.

    I had a couple of times in the past in which guys were interested in me, they were nice and good men, but I do not feel attracted to them in the intellectual part, plus by then I was focus in other things, like school and work.

    I do not really remember a lot about my childhood, I do not why but I remember a lot of bad parts, but I am sure there were good parts too. I remember that my mother was always angry at me and that many times I just prayed and wished to die, I loved my father a lot because when he came back from work I knew I would be safe. Then when I was around 11, I distance myself from him because my mother said he cheated on her and I had to chose if I wanted to be with him or her, I chose her, they were supposed to separate, but they never did and they are still together, however since then I am not longer close to my father anymore, we say hello and small talk but nothing more. I moved away from home when I was 17 when I started college, my parents supported me while I studied, because with the gigs I had I just could not pay all my expenses. It was when I started college that I god depressed, I was on medication for about three years, I do not really know what caused that, I think it was because I wanted to be still in high school and I was not ready to move to college, high school was a very good experience, for the first time after many years I had friends again and I did not want to start over, other times I think I god depressed because I was not living with my parents anymore, but I am not sure. During that time my mother changed completely and seemed caring about my situation, however in her intent to care about me she invaded my space and everything, I could not do anything without her knowing, I guess it was because she was scared of me killing myself or something. After I finished college I started to work, I lived by myself, but my mother was always around. Four years ago I got a job offer to work abroad, I accepted it without hesitation, maybe I was trying to escape from everything in my home country including my mother, I wanted to be free. At the beginning I was overwhelmed about being completely by myself, but I god used to it. So, now I do not live with my parents anymore, I visit them a couple of times a year, I wish a lot to see them, but when I am there after a couple of days I want to go far away again, I feel really bad about this feeling because they supported me a lot and I know they care about me, but I feel trapped when I am with them.

    Kay

     

    #272777

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    “my mother was always angry at me”- that is a scary thing for a child, to have an angry mother. Animals in nature are scared  of other animals’ anger because when animals are angry they are motivated to hurt the  ones they are angry at. So living with an angry mother means living with a person who  is motivated to hurt you at any time. It is living in danger. When in danger we become very alert to danger signs, we don’t attend to the  “good parts”, naturally. It is not different from deer, when they hear a noise that scares them (could be a predator approaching), they stop eating (“the good parts”) and look and listen, alert to the danger,  focusing on the danger.

    Living in ongoing danger means to suffer,  this is why you “just prayed and wished to die”.

    “When he (your father) came back from work I knew I would be safe”- you felt in danger alone with your angry mother.

    And then, your mother took away that safety from you, telling you that you must choose between her and  him.  You chose her because you were afraid that if you didn’t choose her, she would get angrier at you.

    In college you got depressed- when we are afraid for too long, we do get depressed. It is the  natural way for the brain/ body to recover from the ongoing neural excitation  of fear. Sadness and exhaustion are supposed  to be temporary, just long enough for us to recover. Depression happens when we don’t recover from what scared us, what still scares us.

    Later on your mother “changed completely… because she was scared of me killing myself or something”, so I suppose  she stopped expressing her anger toward you, but “invaded my space and everything,  I could  not  do anything without her knowing”.

    Four years ago you got a job offer to  work abroad, and  you “accepted without  hesitation… to escape from everything in my home country  including my mother, I wanted  to be free”.

    You currently do not  live  with your parents, you visit them a couple of times a  year. “I  wish a lot to see them, but when I am there  after a couple  of days I want to go  far away again..  I feel trapped when I am with them”-

    -trapped in fear, trapped in danger. Even though there is no real-and-present danger at home, with your mother, as a child, there was a real-and-present danger. A child has no way of knowing that her mother will not… harm her physically when angry. A child doesn’t know that, she sees the anger, and she is scared.

    Problem is, even when away from your parents, the fear is still there, the fear of being trapped in any relationship, be it one with a man, any closeness  is scary because the same old same old fear is still there.

    My mother too was angry a whole lot. Post more if you want and I will reply anytime you do post, if you want that.

    anita

    #272783

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think my mother did not like me and my father because we have week personalities and we are too sensitive. I have a younger brother, and my mother always loved him, he is more like her. When children we used to fight a lot, but now I think he is the closest person in my family I have.

    I remember that when being a child, my mother did not like anything I did or say, sometimes she got physical with her anger and maybe that is why I was so afraid to be alone with her. Some other times she just stopped talking to m, or just threaten us with abandon us, but she never did it. I think she blamed me to exist, because If I was not there, maybe she could have just leave my father, she was clearly not happy, she said many times that when she lived with her parents she had money and was happy, and after being married she lost everything.

    Now she acts very different with me, when I visit them, she makes every effort for me to like her. It is not like I am rude, but I quietly isolate myself. I can still see how she is rude and verbally abusive with my father, and I just want to leave because I do not want to see that.

    Regarding relationships, I just wanted someone to feel cared and I would do the same for that other person. I would never be bad or abusive.

    Kay

     

     

    #272789

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    “I think my mother did not  like me and my father because we have weak  personalities and we are too sensitive”, so her solution was to make the two  of you individually, more weak, by attacking each one of you. She attacked  you physically at  times, not  talking to you at  other times, and threatening to abandon you at yet other times. She is still “rude and verbally abusive” to your father. You wrote that if you would have a relationship with a man, you would “never be  bad  or abusive”.

    Some  people attack those they perceive to be weak. Even a child that is born weak, dependent, who has no choice  but to be weak. Attacking the weak is what  animals do in a herd or in a social group when they feel that the  weak  is slowing them down, making it more possible for a predator to catch up with the herd. So your mother is still trying to .. get rid of your father so that she can go back to live “with her parents” and have money and be happy, like she was before.

    It doesn’t make sense, does it. But we are animals, and follow similar behaviors, and when we are not aware, we don’t know that  it doesn’t  make sense, that it doesn’t serve us well. Your mother should  have done her best to provide her husband with safety and  support in the marriage, so that he will get stronger.

    Well,  what now?

    anita

     

     

    #273863

    Mandelbrot
    Participant

    Hi, Kay.

    I happen to be a 28-year-old man who has had no relationship and/or sexual experiences. I can definitely say that there is a lot of pressure among men to have sexual partners and sexual experiences. I squirmed in my seat when I read about your experience. It was a sickening case of a man forcing a woman to sexual activities. All for what? Is it because he thought having twelve sexual partners is inherently better than having eleven? I feel sorry that you had to suffer like that.

    “I am not looking my self for a sexual lover, but it seems like that is the only important thing for men.”

    I don’t blame you for thinking that way. It might seem like that to you.

    For better and for worse, I do believe that this world has become more equal between men and women, also in dating and sexual matters. I have come across numerous stories of women being condescending towards men who had little interest in sex, stories of men who want to remain strictly monogamous and stories of women being promiscuous.

    #273877

    Mandelbrot
    Participant

    By the way, Kay, if you haven’t already, you really need to come out and talk about your experiences. Not just on these forums but in real life, too. Reveal your experience to safe people. If you feel bad about what has happened, you will get over it over time. Bring the events to light and don’t keep it to yourself.

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