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How far should I go??

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #278367
    Grayhat
    Participant

    Hi All,

    There is something which I like to share here which I am unable to talk to anyone in my life. There is a girl who I love a lot, and at some point of time she loved me as well with the same intensity. So heres the story, I was with her in a relationship for couple of months but then had to relocate in a different country. After a while we started having issues, I started mistreating her and due to my mistakes she got involved with some other guy and cheated on me. I knew she was lost at that point of time and she was doing a mistake which she accepts now, but she was just not ready to any reasoning from my side, so we moved apart.

    Now it has been a year or so and she has came back and we both have forgiven each other. Sometimes I do have doubts if past repeats and it never ends. And on top of that my family is not ready to accept her. I am trying to convince them but its taking a toll on my other relationships. I don’t know how far should I go.

    #278383
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Grayhat:

    To understand your situation better I ask:

    1. How did you mistreat your then girlfriend of two months at that time?

    2. What did you tell your parents about your girlfriend?

    3. Did your parents meet your girlfriend, and if they did, what were their complaints regarding your girlfriend?

    4. What toll is your relationship with your girlfriend taking on your relationships with your parents?

    anita

    #278385
    Grayhat
    Participant

    Thanks Anita.

    1. How did you mistreat your then girlfriend of two months at that time?

    So it wasn’t a two month thing. We were together like for 6-7 months, and then I moved to another country for my studies. Everything was perfect for a year after that or so but then we started having small fights which turned out even bigger issues. I just didn’t handle it properly, and somehow I was the one who created more issues at that time.

    2. What did you tell your parents about your girlfriend?

    When everything ended I was totally broken and frustrated and I told my mom she cheated on me. She got to know this through other sources as well. I should have never told my mother about that.

    3. Did your parents meet your girlfriend, and if they did, what were their complaints regarding your girlfriend?

    My mother is not ready because she thinks the same mistake will be repeated again and the girl is immature.

    4. What toll is your relationship with your girlfriend taking on your relationships with your parents?

    I am trying to convince my family and they think I am being selfish by giving my happiness more priority over theirs.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Grayhat.
    #278389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Grayhat:

    In your original post you wrote: “So  here’s the story, I was with her in a relationship for couple of months but then had to relocate in a different country”.

    In your recent post you wrote: “So it wasn’t a two month thing. We were together like for 6-7 months, and then I moved to another country”-

    so which is true: a couple of months (two months, approximately) or 6-7 months?

    anita

     

    #278391
    Grayhat
    Participant

    That was mistake on my side. We were together for precisely 6 months. I couldn’t find an option to edit my post.

    #278397
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Grayhat:

    Before you left to another country, you were in a relationship with your girlfriend “for a couple of months”, corrected to “like for 6-7 months”, corrected yet again for “precisely 6 months”.

    Following that there was a long distance relationship in which you mistreated her (you didn’t explain how you mistreated her) and she had a relationship of some sort with another guy. You then told your mother that she cheated on you.

    Following that you and your girlfriend are back in the same country for some time now and resumed the relationship, but your mother is against the relationship because of what you told her, that your girlfriend cheated on you.

    Your parents never met your girlfriend and don’t  want to meet her because of what you told them about her.

    If I understand correctly, your parents want you to end the relationship with your girlfriend because you told them that she cheated on you. It makes your parents unhappy that you are in a relationship with your girlfriend and they want you to make them happy  and that makes them unhappy by you ending your relationship with your girlfriend.

    I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. If you would like to post again before I return and explain how you mistreated your girlfriend, and more about what you told your mother/ parents about your girlfriend, please do and I will read and reply to you when I am back.

    Perhaps other members will reply to you as well.

    anita

    #278401
    Grayhat
    Participant

    Thanks Anita.

    Okay so I will repost my original post with more detailed information. My parents did knew her and liked her before we separated. I have added this in the below repost.

    I am 28 and the girl is 23.

    I am in love with this girl, and at some point she loved me as well with the same intensity. Our families knew about us and they wanted us to get married. My family really liked her a lot at that time. But things got complicated.

    So here is the story, I was with her in a relationship for several months to a girl but then had to relocate in a different country. After a while like a year after I relocated we started having issues. We started having small fights which turned to be bigger issues and the time zone complicated this even more. I started mistreating her like expecting her to be available for me all the time but then not being there for her when she would need me the most. In a way I created a communication gap and did not support her the way she supported me. Due to all this she got involved with some other guy and didn’t tell me about it until I confronted her. I knew she was lost at that point of time and she was doing a mistake which she accepts now, but at that time she was just not ready for any reasoning from my side, so we moved apart.  I understand we both made mistakes in our relationship.

    Now a year after we ended the relationship she has came back, apologized and we both have forgiven each other. But, sometimes I do have doubts if past repeats and it so difficult to overcome that fear, I will overcome this I know. But the real issue is that my family is not ready to accept her after all that happened, as they think she can cheat me again. I am trying to convince them, but it’s taking a toll on my relationship with them as  they think I am being selfish by giving my happiness more priority over theirs. I don’t know how far should I go in this situation?

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Grayhat.
    #278409
    Michelle
    Participant

    I don’t understand why your parents think their happiness is above yours?

    The relationship with your parents is not a romantic one (the one with your girlfriend is). Why are they comparing the two? One can have happiness in both areas without taking anything away from the other.

    #278415
    Grayhat
    Participant

    Yes Michelle that should have been the ideal case. But I come from an orthodox background and I have been consistently trying to change their view, but they have very strong doubts on her. Also, I did the mistake of playing the victim card when I got to know that she is with some other guy and cheating on me, during which time I told everything to my parents which created a very negative impression of her.

    I am telling them I am ready to have a future with her, but they keep saying it will be a mistake and don’t want me to take any further steps toward her. With so much going around I too start sometimes to doubt myself is this all even worth?

    #278439
    Mark
    Participant

    Grayhat,

    I know that it is easy to tell others what to do especially if I am not of the same culture or upbringing or religion as they are.  I do want to ask you as a 28 yr old man, do you want to make your own adult decisions for your own life?  It is important to know what you truly value in life for yourself.  It is easy to be not mindful or conscious and go along with what your parents or culture or religion tells you without question.

    This is your life that you are living, not your parents.  We all make mistakes so it can be easy to doubt oneself especially when someone (like your parents) tell you to do or not to do something.  It sounds like they really care for you which is a good thing but ultimately it is you that is ultimately responsible.

    It is not your job in life to try to change your parents’ view or anyone else’s for that matter.  It is your job to live your life.  Mistakes and all.

    Make sense?
    Mark

    #278587
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Grayhat:

    In a culture where a man needs his parents to  approve of a wife, it was a mistake to tell your parents what a terrible woman she was to you and then get back with her, seeking their approval.

    In the future, for as long as you need your parents approval of  woman to be your wife, do  not tell them anything at all about a woman you  date. Or tell them  only positive things in case you will be considering to marry the woman. Do not repeat the mistake you made here.

    As far as this situation you are in, a question: will you be able to live a peaceful life being married and having a family with a woman who your parents disapprove of?

    Another question: when in the past your parents disapproved of a choice you made, or a choice your brother or sister made, did your parents ever change their minds and approved what they previously disapproved of?

    anita

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