Dear Liz:

“Is it selfish to leave him because of the emotional and sexual needs not being met 100%? Or do I have unrealistic expectations?”

There are a few questions in these two lines and I will give you my input on all of them:

1. Is it selfish to leave him? No, because you are not married and you don’t have children together. You live together, so it will be selfish to leave the apartment without giving him/ the owner a notice, so that your boyfriend will not be stuck paying full rent unexpectedly (if you were paying part of the rent, that is). If you take care of the practical issues of leaving him responsibly , then it is not selfish of you to leave.

2. Do you have unrealistic expectations? Only if you expect emotional and sexual needs to be met 100%, or close to 100%. The 100% is impossibility. I think maybe 80% is good enough, that is, you are content most of the time, but not all of the time.

3. Should you leave him? I don’t know at this point. The good part of the relationship with him is that it has “always been easy and respectful”- this is a huge plus, one that is missing in a lot of relationships, bringing misery to the partners and their children. To have a peaceful home where two people treat each other respectfully is essential to a good home, especially if children are brought into the home.

Without peace and respect, nothing matters. If the two of you were most compatible in many areas but at times were disrespectful/ abusive to one another, then all the compatibility will not make the relationship a healthy one, nor will it make it a safe, healthy home for future children.

Your partner is “very closed off”, you wrote. He has difficulty connecting to people. This is doable in a relationship because you can have friendships outside of the relationship, and he can have his solitude while you socialize responsibly and then come home to him. Or have a friend over while he is busy elsewhere in the home.

Regarding the bedroom habits, this needs to be explored further: “he seems uninterested or uncomfortable”. You need to find out which one it is- uninterested or uncomfortable. If he is uninterested, this means he is not interested in how you feel, doesn’t it? If he is uncomfortable, maybe you can help him feel more comfortable. Which one is it, do you think and did you ask him, if so, what did he say?

anita

Dear Liz,

Sex is a very important component part of a relationship for any relationship that has a sexual element. Sex is connected to emotions; if it help, think of it in terms of maintaining a certain level of intimacy most couple need to thrive or work out their relationship. Sex can help keep a relationship healthy. It can create an intimacy loop, with intimacy in the bedroom extending far outside of it. You can even tell if a relationship is in an rough patch by the frequency of couples having sex. So sex is important and how you two have sex is important to examine.

If sex is something you need in your relationship, then it should be taken into serious consideration regarding your boyfriend and your relationship.

You wrote that the relationship is easy and respectful, you also write that your boyfriend tend to dismiss your needs in bed, after your discussions and him agreeing to be more mindful of you. But that is NOT respect, no matter how blatant his discomfort may be. After all, he gave his agreement to be respectful of your needs in bed only to renegade on his words during such activities. So what he did was just baiting you to end the conversation that seems to be making him feel uncomfortable, though he won’t voice why, which shows that he is not willing to listen to you nor try to meet your needs even when you outwardly expressed yourself, express your needs. And that is a serious red flag. It’s a red flag because if he can dismiss your needs in bed, then whose to say he won’t dismiss other concerns later in your future together? If he can’t even take into consideration your needs in such an intimate activity, then is he even willing to regard you as someone important as he is to himself? If he can’t show you respect when you are intimate together, then just how much does he really respect you?

Look at your relationship again, don’t let the five years together dulled and blind your vision of the person that is your current boyfriend. If you truly hope for a future together, then there are a lot of questions to ask yourself.

https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice

Good luck.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by GL.

I’m glad I peeked into this post. I am going through something similar right now. I have been with my boyfriend for four years and we’ve been living together for the past year. It’s been a rough time of late. My ongoing concern is similar to yours, that my needs are not being met and I see little attempt to try and meet them. It’s a bit hurtful and makes me feel like I am not worth it and having my time wasted. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to care, instead pinning things back on me (an example is he doesn’t take me out anymore. I initiate dates but I’m tired of it and I want more effort on his part. He just invites me to his activities, like table tennis or going to the gym; this isn’t a date in my opinion but his response is that I need to change). We rarely have sex anymore.

In reading the responses, I agree with “Inky”. I have been contemplating bringing up having my boyfriend move out (he lives in my condo) because this is when the majority of our issues started. Maybe, just maybe, not seeing each other every day would bring back some romance. Having said that, there are no guarantees. And honestly, in my situation, I am looking for someone I can spend my life with and that includes living together and supporting each other in this way. For me this was a big test that failed and perhaps further contemplation on the future of the relationship is merited.

In a relationship, compromise is a given (on both ends). Don’t deny meeting your needs. They are just as important and valid as his.

I look forward to reading further advice on the topic.