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  • #363501
    GL
    Participant

    Hey Nicka,

    To note, this is done through phone so if nothing’s clear, do tell.

    To start this out, it’s starting to be clear that you really value relationships. And that’s a beautiful value. But you can also be too tolerant of the actions of others and might stay too long in one relationship. Certainly, your ex has his good qualities, but did you both ever discuss his insecurities? Cis gender men are mostly socialized to not show vulnerabilities but that doesn’t mean it can’t be learned later in life. So did he ever tried? Also, how many times were your ex drunk and acting like a bad drunk, like letting out his grievances on you? Sure, he was drunk but that doesn’t mean he didn’t understand his actions so much as his inhibitions was lower than normal. His action was toxic, drunk or not but how many times did it happened and how many time did you excuse it as “being drunk”? It’s great you were able to accept his insecurities for what they are but that doesn’t mean tolerating the toxic actions arising from them. You also have your insecurities but have you yourself used them as a reason to blame others or pull them down because you feel bad so they should too? Because your ex was doing that. Not always blatantly but he did.

    And you probably do have codependency tendencies because you seem to hope to help these people out of their insecurities by staying with them, but at what cost? You don’t like letting people go, but what is the price of holding on?

    There’s also this paradox. You fear that starting any platonic friendship, it will end somewhere in the future so what about your romantic relationship? Did you not fear it ending too or how were you so confident that it wouldn’t end in the future, like your friendships? You don’t seem to have problems with people pursuing you but hesitate to pursue your own friendships. Introversion have little to do with choosing to pursue friendships or any relationships. It’s either you make the effort or you don’t. You can, of course, be selective in where you put your effort. And I don’t know about you but I would be flatter if anyone wanted to friends with me, granted, they just have to not make my list of potentially toxic people. Though I’m not exactly sure of the kind of people you’re meeting, but do you really want to let in people who only see your outer shell and not try to see your quirks? And it’s not possible for any person to know and understand you because they are not you. They have not lived your life or your thoughts or your emotions. They might have empathy or understand where you’re coming from, but they’ll never truly grasp how you feel because that’s all you. Your feelings are yours.

    Or has your past jarred you to the point that you feel it hopeless to put much effort into making friends?

    So is it your effort or your thoughts holding you back from developing any friendship?

    #363154
    GL
    Participant

    Hey Nicka,

    Thanks for the expanded clarifications. There’s still some point that is still a little confusing though.

    So you’ve worked with therapists before, but that doesn’t really detailed what your relationship with yourself as is. You might have worked hard on your mental health, trying to accept yourself as is, but it still seems that you wish to change things about yourself? As you tend to think that you can change what doesn’t serve you in life? Does that mean letting go of the toxic messages that was ingrained into you or changing your personality? But I don’t think you ‘should’ have to do anything. Everything is a choice and you have the choice to do what is reasonable for you.

    Now, regarding your relationship, what kind of people are you letting into your life? No idea if you live in an area teeming with a huge population that you can meet a lot of people, and making friends is difficult. But what kind of people are you letting take up your time and attention? I don’t write this to shame/blame you, but I am curious as to why you’ve tolerated your ex projecting his insecurities onto you. From your narrative, he has done it multiple times. You’ve realized it wasn’t about you, of course, but you still stayed with him. You’d made the choice to stay with him. Why?

    I don’t know if the previous guy before this did the same thing, but him calling you names is shaming and gas-lighting you. You wanted to discuss his hurtful actions and he tried to shift the blame to ‘you’ being a “psychopath” therefore he wouldn’t have to take total responsibility for sleeping with someone else. You still wanted to speak with him after that.

    Though I am glad you’ve made a list of your concerns. You wanted a bigger picture of the relationship and you had concerns to which you are totally entitled to address with the other party because they have chosen to involved themselves with you. Of course, they have the choice to actually address your concerns in a calm and rational manner or totally ignored your concerns by calling you a psychopath. Hence, why I am an advocate of writing down the toxic things people said or did to you so that you can revisit another day when you’re calm and rational. The note serve as evidence that such a thing did happened and that you weren’t imagining it just because you wonder if them calling you ‘crazy’ has any validity to it.

    You can’t change people, but you can choose to tolerate their actions. But why did you choose to tolerate them not taking responsibility for their actions and their emotions? You’ve tolerated them pushing the responsibilities onto you. From the guy who called you a psychopath while he chose to sleep with someone else to the guy who needed external validations from people while accusing you of looking down at him.

    I’m all for accepting people as they are, but that doesn’t mean tolerating toxic behavior. Hence, why the question of what is your relationship with yourself that you would tolerate these behaviors? Do you feel that you don’t deserve better or that as good as it gets?

    So you feel emotions intensely, but do you act on them the moment you feel it because you seem to think it’s not a good thing. Your emotions may be strong, but you are the one giving them meaning. You can honestly just feel then move on with life. Why would you wish to detach from them at times?

    You don’t like relationships ending, okay. But life does not promise forever. Regardless of how much you care about someone, when a relationship has run its course, then the best you can do is wish the other well. Goodbyes are said all the time, what with the earth becoming a global economy. You can fly and live anywhere as long as you have the means. Emotions are fleeting and people do grow out of their relationships. Nothing is guaranteed in life. So where does your mistrust come from? That when people said they ‘liked’ you, that it was false because they eventually bid you farewell? Or does it come from your insecurity that you’re not worth the effort to cultivate a relationship with? But what do you think you deserve?

    #363149
    GL
    Participant

    Hey Marnia,

    I think it’s fine to make relationships one of the main focal point of your life. But as you’ve realized, when you put all of your energy into one relationship, you will eventually get lost and lose yourself. Why does this happen? Because you were trying to do the impossible, merging two whole to create one. One plus one does not make one, but a lot of people are taught that they are halves, or even zero, therefore they need something outside of themselves to become whole. Do you feel that way yourself?

    If you do, you’ll have to look at the programming you were equipped with, starting from your childhood to your adult life. What was the messages presented to you and which messages have you ingrained in your mind, thinking that it was true. After, you fear that no one else will love like he did, but what exactly is love for you? A body that you can come home to at the end of the day? Why not get a dog then? Or is it something you give therefore they should give you in return? That’s just entitlement or a give and take. Someone to validate you as a person? Someone to make you feel as if you matter? But for how long will that feeling last until you need your next high? How many times will a person have to tell you “I love you” until you feel satisfied? Or will you ever feel satisfied? When is it enough?

    On the other hand, though you give focus and energy on your relationship with your boyfriend, where is the energy for your relationship with yourself? You might think you feel incomplete without being in a relationship with other people, but what about the relationship with yourself? A relationship with yourself is also a relationship, so why did you not put in any effort with yourself?

    Relationships are important to you, but you’re neglecting an important relationship by ignoring yourself and focusing on others. As it is far too easy to project your desires onto people, ask yourself why you can’t fulfill those desires by your own effort with your own self, first and foremost, than relied other others to fulfill those desires for you.

    GL

    #363088
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Nicka,

    Each person do have their own personal baggage. So the question is: how have you learned how to live with yours?

    Though you’ve detailed the paths some of your relationship had taken, you don’t have anything on the topic of self care, other than you don’t have any support near you? Do they live far from you? Are you active in any social forums? Were you a part of any group meet ups before that you can contact via Zoom? What activities have you taken up other than attending classes?

    Which lead to the question: what is the relationship you have with yourself? Is it similar to the kind of relationship you had with your exes? Is it the kind that you called yourself names and shame yourself? Is it the kind that you find boring if it’s just you alone with yourself? Do you allow yourself to feel your emotions or do you feel them through the reactions of others?

    You write of the actions of your ex in the context that he did not provide much emotional support and it’s fine to want that from a partner, but you can’t tell someone that you know what they are feeling because you don’t. He might have ‘close’ family nearby that could potentially support him, but you don’t know their family’s history as intimately as he does. So it was a judgement on your part to tell him that it felt that the separation easier for him than you because he had ‘support’. His anger of that is pretty understandable. You decided you knew what his possible emotional state was or the support he had when you’re not even him. But did he actually told you that he wasn’t responsible for his emotions or was that you deciding how to interpret it? Because a lot of his actions does look like from your narrative, but you’ll also have to see it as a judgement call on your part too.

    Now, it’s understandable that you’re combing through your memories to try to make sense of your past, but your vocabulary has a feeling of blame in it. You don’t want to be a fool? What does that mean? You were ashamed of being drunk even though that’s just a chemical reaction in your body which means you weren’t clear headed at that moment? You have a lot of baggage, yes, but where’s the compassion for being human? You’re caring, but for whom?

    You’ve excused a lot of your ex behavior until the straw broke the camel back so what’s helped you opened your eyes to the reality of your relationship? To the relationships that you want, but don’t do much to cultivate? There are many ways to create a support system, but you’ve only focused on romantic relationships so far. What about friendship? Why did so much of your effort go into romantic relationships and not friendships? You want a support system, but it doesn’t seem you’ve tried to established any friendships to even get it started.

    You have a lot of questions to sort through so please think of getting some of kind counseling for that if you can. You don’t have to grapple with these issues alone, but you’ll have to be the one to cultivate the steps to helping yourself.

    Good luck.

    #363059
    GL
    Participant

    Hey Grace,

    It’s great that you’re trying to be safe while dating. If you ever feel the tiniest bad vibes from anyone, then you have every right to decline meeting them. No one has any rights to your time or attention nor any rights to ignore any of your boundaries.

    That said, why not try recruiting your friends into helping you find a potential boyfriend? I find that friends are a great resource when looking to meet new people because they have already vetted the person for you, or should do that first. They also have friends who might be on the look out for their friends and you’ll only know when you let them know that you’re looking.

    And remember, you can always stop any action, e g hugging, should you become uncomfortable in the middle of it. You don’t have to have a reason because not feeling it is the only reason you need; you can always say no and expect that person to respect your wishes. ‘Saying no’ is you respecting your limits and boundaries. And if they don’t stop, then you will have to decide whether they’re someone you really want to hang out with.

    Good luck and have fun.

    #363053
    GL
    Participant

    Hey Marnia,

    You’ve mentioned codependency on your post on top. Could you give more details? Were your actions geared towards taking care of your partner, dropping everything for them when they call or is in need of help? Or were you expecting them to help you whenever you were in trouble?

    Also, what are your fears in letting go of your ex? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear not being able to meet someone like him in the future? Do you fear not being in a relationship? What are your fears?

    GL

    #362666
    GL
    Participant

    Hey NeedAChange,

    This is only my 2cent so it might not be helpful, but there are somethings that might be beneficial to look closely at.

    From a previous post, you’ve wrote that you’ve observed that you don’t like being out of control. You’ve also feared the judgement of others thus that fear turned into you trying to control certain bodily functions. So from that, a correlation between your anxiety and your fear of losing control can be made. Now, you haven’t mentioned if you troubled with generalized anxiety disordered (GAD), but your anxiety seems to be more pronounce than normal so you’ll have to see a specialist about that.

    Now, from the correlation above, let’s frame your anxiety in a simple way. You seem to be a person who likes being in control, but you’ve also realized from a young age that you can’t control certain things about life, like the actions of others or events that will occur outside of your jurisdiction. That ‘realization’ seem to have become fuel for your anxiety because you were anxious if your parents would come back to you or not when you were younger. That, and it didn’t seem that your parents did much in trying to help you accept those worries for what they are, which was one of the ways you were trying to obtained a degree of control over a situation where you felt you had no control. You don’t write of many coping mechanisms  You also haven’t kept with many strategies, it seems, in how to embrace your anxiety then let it go. To this day, you still view it as a enemy to be defeated or ignored.

    You don’t like losing control, but your thoughts are reminding you of what you don’t have control over. You’ve identified your anxious thoughts as bad so you tried to push them away. Even now, your anxiety is fueled by the need to remind you that you don’t have as much control as you think you need, your thoughts included. So you feel the need to ‘fix it’ so you can be in control again, but there’s a problem to that mindset.

    I don’t know if the counselor you visited ever told you, or they did yet you didn’t think it impossible, but anxiety isn’t something that can be ‘fixed’. By nature, every human being will experience anxiety in their life in some way. Anxiety is a natural feeling, but some people do feel it more intensely and for longer periods of time and it seems you fit into that category. There is no fix solutions to general anxiety disorder because it’s a feeling. You can’t tell yourself how to feel; you simply feel. It’s just that your mind tend to rush in to add color to that feeling which then magnify it while your whole body is already reacting to that feeling. From something minor, it intensify and continues on like a broken record.

    So when you don’t feel in control, that fuels your anxiety which then send bad messages through your head which makes you feel even more out of control which spike your anxiety so the messages keep repeating and on and on. That’s a vicious cycle for you to go through, day in and day out. And anything that you don’t have control over can trigger your anxiety.

    But there is nothing wrong with your anxieties, you simply feel it intensely. Therefore, you have to learn how to live with it, not ‘cure’ it. But how you live with it is entirely dependent on you. Some people like to simply stop, acknowledge their anxiety and move on. Some reason about why they might be feeling anxious. Some breathe deeply, say thank you and then move forward. Some think happy thoughts. Some eat something sweet. Some take a walk. Each methods is unique to the person so you’ll have to make your own.

    I don’t know you personally so I can only write down these thoughts, whether they help you find any clues regarding your situation, you’ll have to decide for yourself. But I do think you should visit another counselor if you can. The first one might not have worked out for you, but there are more people out there who might be able to help you, the thing is that you need to continue looking until you find someone that you mesh well with. It takes a lot of work to care for your own health, but all that work is worth it as long as you make yourself a treasure to care for.

    Good luck.

    #362606
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Ashley,

    Before you make a decision to end your relationship, I believe that it would be beneficial for you to examine your family dynamic with your parents.

    I understand their concern for your well being, but serving you an ultimatum of “either it’s us or him”? That’s troubling. You’re 28 and not living with them therefore I’ll assume that they are not supporting you financially, which means that you’re a grown adult who can make your own decision about any of your relationships. Yes, your parents will have their own opinions about your partners, but that does not mean that they have a vote in who you date. Who you decide to date is entirely your choice, irregardless of the disapprove of anyone. So you need to sit down and discuss the situation with your parents. Let them air their concern but make it apparent that you yourself will be the one to choose who your partner is.

    Can you do that? Or is the usual family dynamic one in which your parents disapprove of something then would set down an ultimatum that you feel you cannot not make a choice? Because again, that’s a troubling dynamic for anyone. One of the messages that that send to you might be that they don’t trust you to make your own decisions regarding a significant relationship so they need to step in and “help you” make the correct choice. But that undermines your ability to decide for yourself what your life looks like. It’ll also make you question your ability to make the “correct decision” so you’ll depend on their opinion first, placing your desires second to theirs. That sort of relationship will breed anger and resentment. So deeply examine your relationships and work out the foundation and structure between you and your parents.

    And remember, you can always walk away from any relationship for any reasons because it’s about you deciding for yourself what is best for you.

    #359478
    GL
    Participant

    Dear simone,

    You’re not crazy. You simply love your boyfriend, flaws and all. And that’s okay. You just love him.

    But no matter how much you love someone, you need to learn to look at them as realistically as possible because you, yourself, need to decide whether the actions of the other person is safe for you, mentally and physically. Yet that also begs the question of whether you yourself understands the foundation for a healthy relationship.

    Have you discussed with your friends what a healthy relationship would look like between people? Or what an unhealthy relationship look like? Have you discussed how to have open communications? What the different type of relationships look like, from dependence to independent to interdependent? What it means to trust and respect your partner as they trust and respect you? That relationships are work in process so all the parties involved must put in the work for a healthy relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together?

    Your relationship with your mother is one thing, but your relationship with your relatives, friends and romantic partner is another. But humans have the tendency to copy what they learnt from their parents and paste that onto to any relationships they create with others.

    So, what are the foundations of a relationship for you? What is healthy and not healthy? List them out if you can.

    #339518
    GL
    Participant

    Dear X,

    Since it seems that you found my replies to be insulting and offensive enough to delete your account on this site, I hope that whatever is next fares well for you. But one last thing for you, I recommend you look into a book “Men are Just Desserts” by Sonya Friedman.

    Good luck.

    #339506
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Capricornus,

    First of all, you can’t just use a person’s sun sign as the whole plate of how they identified as a person. To understand the core of a person, you would need to look into their natal chart.

    Second of all, you have every rights to established your boundaries. Boundaries are the lines of which you draw for your own mental health and comfort. If you don’t like being touch or tickle, then you have every right to ask the person who is touching you to stop. It is not their discomfort that matters in this, it is yours because they are the ones who are choosing to take actions on you, which they should actually be asking if you are okay with being tickle or hug or any actions that encroaches your personal space. It is your personal space and because you have respect for your well being, you tell people that you are uncomfortable and that they need to ceased their actions immediately. Honestly, the world would be a much better place if parents would stop forcing children to hug strangers while strangers and friends alike should ask if people are okay with being hug, tickle, etc.

    And if the other person actually respects you, then they will stop, no questions ask. They will not make excuses like ‘but other people are okay with it’ or ‘it’s just a friendly touch’, etc. Nope, no excuses. You are not other people, you are you and this is how you feel about it. You have made it clear that you are uncomfortable and the other person will respect that and will ceased their actions. If they can’t, then that tells you that they hold their comfort on a higher level than yours and that your words doesn’t matter much to them unless they can do whatever they want. If that happens, you will have to decide whether the friendship is worth the sacrifice of your comfort.

    Good luck.

    #330163
    GL
    Participant

    Hello, hello,

    How was your holidays?

    It’s not about being special, but about making the choice to commit and work on that commitment or don’t commit and let the relationship fall apart. They had a choice and your ex had a choice.

    The key word here is “work on that commitment.” I felt that in my relationship with my ex there was an ingredient of “I’ll show them all what true love looks like.” “Them all” meaning his now ex-wife, his parents (“My parents, he said once kissing me after having talked to them on the phone in my presence, will not accept you at once, but are sure to do so once they get to know you better”), etc. Somehow that desire waned along the way. By the way, last time his now wife posted a lovey-dovey idyllic picture of herself and his parents was three years ago. It is almost as if his desire to prove it all to others starts lacking luster, along with his feelings for the person in question.

    And how does that relate to his choice of not committing in the end? Also, how were you so confidence that he wouldn’t cheat on you? For him to cheat on his wife with you, there was always the possibility of him cheating on you. Sure, you can choose to trust him, but it would have said more of his character if he decided to wait until he was divorced or at least in the process of it to woo and then date you. But he jumped ship and chose to court you before actually even beginning the steps to getting divorce. He did not discuss with his wife the possibility of an open marriage and instead, chose to keep you a secret. He chose to hurt his wife because cheating is a breach of trust between them, it had nothing to do with you. Then he chose to cheat on you, breaching the trust you had in him. What a pattern. And would you really broadcast to your network that you were dating a married man? On that note, what were your thoughts on his wife? What were you thinking when you decided that it was okay for you to helped this woman’s, whom you’ve never met, husband cheat on her?

    And then you keep comparing yourself to other woman. You keep highlighting your great features against thousands of faceless women, crying that you ARE desirable so why aren’t you so lucky in love? You even asked for others assurance that you’re okay, look-wise with a good resume. Even now, you still try to check off the box of desirable traits that make men into you when each and every one of those men are their own person who will have different kind of taste. Makes me feel as if you were a dress up barbie sometimes; dressing yourself as the dream of every heterosexual guy out in the world.

    Actually, it’s about value. A person can only ‘like’ something for so long and not all the time. Your friend valued motherhood while your aunt valued her career. While they have decided that those situation make them happy, it won’t be happy all the time. There will be problems that they will encountered, but the meaning and value behind choosing being a mother or having a good career is something they chose to value so they can work hard towards it, problems and all. So what’s your value?

    I disagree. I can value something, but I can not like it (but maybe still do it, because I value it). Say, I value being able to cook, but no matter how much I would try, my heart is just not in it. I may wake up, feeling empowered and willing to cook something for those I love, and halfway along the way, it gets so much down on me that I cannot stand it any longer. I can hardly finish. But yes, absolutely, being able to cook is a wonderful skill that is both useful (often saves a ton of money!) and attractive in a woman (isn’t the way to a man’s heart through his stomach?)

    I can’t tell if you’re dodging the question of ‘value’ because you don’t know yourself well enough to respond or if it’s something else. So you value the ability to cook, so do I. But I also don’t really care about the ability to become a master chef. I value other things and they take precedent over being able to cook well. If I can make something edible, then it’s enough since if it doesn’t kill me, hey, it’s still edible.

    So cooking isn’t part of the core of your personal value, then what is? What are you willing to suffer for (that doesn’t have to do with other people)?

    Where does your belief in ‘forever’ relationships come from?

    From where everybody’s belief in “forever” comes from, no matter whether they acknowledge it or not. Fairy-tales read in one’s childhood reinforced by romantic novels (also classic ones!) and films not to mention human dislike of uncertainty.

    It is not only my own belief. Not so long ago I was a silent participant in a discussion between my peers, a single girl in her mid-20s and a young man my age (who has been married for a decade and is awaiting his third child). The girl was advocating for marriage contracts, “because people change.” The guy was saying that if you marry, you marry because you want to be with that person “forever.” Exactly like they say – who marries thinking about divorce? (We are not talking about marrying for money here.)

    So I am far from being the only one believing (or who used to believe) – wanting to believe would be more appropriate now – in “forever.”

    So in the end, it’s a selfish demand that the other person exist to keep them company? A “marriage contract” because people change? Then is she not willing to change alongside them? And then every decade, every cells that is a part of her body would have been replaced by a new cell. Wanting to be with someone ‘forever’ is not the same as wishing them happiness. An abusive spouse or lover can want to be with you ‘forever’, but is that necessarily good for either party, or even one of them? Though it is true that human has too much of a demand to control everything that happens in their life,you and I among those numbers. But you haven’t tried to let go of that control, nor does it seem that you want to. Have you ever tried living in that uncertainty?

    GL

    #322415
    GL
    Participant

    Hey X,

    It’s so nice to see people so excited for the holidays.

    See about so-called “covert narcissists”: https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

    https://medium.com/@meredith_kav/7-characteristics-of-a-covert-narcissist-72754ae31cd9

    For your ex to be a covert narcissist, he would either have to be an introverted kind of person or someone who keeps victimizing himself, blaming others for his failure. He doesn’t sound like either from what I can remember of what you’ve written so far. And if he felt hurt by his new love interest, then he would have turned aggressive and defensive. Since he felt wronged by her, he would have raged against her. Seemed he turned businesslike instead by asking if you would want to start over again if the new relationship didn’t work. If he lacked empathy, he wouldn’t have thought of anyone, especially in his actions. He could tell you one thing, yet actions speak louder than words. Everyone has a sense of entitlement, but it didn’t seem that he took it too far, not like those who have stalked other people. Doesn’t seem that he has too much of a grandiose sense of ego yet.

    You predicted that he would divorced and married you. But he didn’t. So you can’t compare your situation to the situation of others because they all made a choice that either worked toward their relationship or broke it apart. Your ex made a choice that tore apart the relationship; those who had successful relationships made choices and acted upon them in a way that kept those relationship going. It’s not about being special, but about making the choice to commit and work on that commitment or don’t commit and let the relationship fall apart. They had a choice and your ex had a choice. But they all chose differently.

    So let’s move on from that.

    If you ask somebody why they are nomads and not settled, they will probably tell you that they are used to it and like it that way. The key word is “like.” It is hardly a conscious choice. If it was, American Indians would have easily adapted to settlements as Europeans wanted them to. One either likes something or don’t, and then the brain finds reasons for that so that the choice is validated. Say, my girlfriend stays at home after childbirth as long as the law and finances allow her; my aunt went to work as soon as she could after childbirth because she wanted to. They chose different things because they had different desires. I doubt my aunt would have been happy as a housewife (even if she had made a choice to stay at home), just as I doubt that my girlfriend will go to work any time soon and be really happy working.

    Actually, it’s about value. A person can only ‘like’ something for so long and not all the time. Your friend valued motherhood while your aunt valued her career. While they have decided that those situation make them happy, it won’t be happy all the time. There will be problems that they will encountered, but the meaning and value behind choosing being a mother or having a good career is something they chose to value so they can work hard towards it, problems and all. So what’s your value?

    Why this?

    “But this vague idea of “finding the one, marrying and living happily ever after until dying on the same day” is very, very ingrained in my psyche. You know, when you are asked about something, you normally get an image of it in your mind? Like, when I say “sweet,” what come to mind? Well, this is the image I get when you say, “Imagine your ideal life.” All other rational considerations come after it, but this image is there before everything else.”

    Or this:

    Hm-m-m, I don’t know. One day I feel exactly like you are writing about my hobbies and all, another day I feel like I am so happy on my own and don’t need and don’t want (WANT!) anybody in my life.

    I have no answer for you as to why it is so. Feminine moodiness, hormones at play, inherited genes – who can tell?

    Where does your belief in ‘forever’ relationships come from?

    #322161
    GL
    Participant

    Dear XYZ,

    Describe how you are constantly distracted. How or why are you distracted? And how are you ‘plainly lazy’?

    How were you the best student in school? What happened to that? What kind of career were you hoping to obtain? What were your ideals?

    Where are you right now in your life?

    #322029
    GL
    Participant

    Dear XYZ,

    There’s good new and there’s bad new.

    The good new is that you are wired differently than your peers therefore you prefer to strive for different things than them, i e, money, status, etc. The bad new is that you’re wired different. Because you are wired different, your peers will probably not understand most of your actions or thoughts so it was safer to isolate you. Humans don’t like different because it can pose danger, as learnt from the human ancestors, and that unconscious lesson has persisted to the modern world, which can and has cause division among different society. It is causing a division in your thinking and that of your peers as you try to adapt to what your peers are telling you versus what your heart of heart really wants you to be doing.

    You write that you’ve wasted your talent and any opportunities given to you, but if you really think about it, if you really wanted to utilized those ‘talent’ and those ‘opportunities’, then wouldn’t you’ve done something with them already? Because they were something you really wanted, right? Yet here you are, lamenting about missed opportunities. So why didn’t you jump on those opportunities when you had the chance? What held you back? Your lack of confidence in achieving something? Or because you really didn’t care about those opportunities because you simply want to head to the woods instead?

    On the issues of your envy, you envy people around you because to you, they seem to have found the magic answer to life because they look so happy, right? Yet, have you ever asked them whether they are happy or merely telling themselves that they are happy? Or maybe you envy them because they can follow society’s rule and be happy and be a part of that society while no matter what you do, you can’t seem to make yourself agree to what society is telling you so you can’t do your part and be a part of that society. It’s a very lonely feeling, right? After all, you don’t fit in. But you want to fit in. But you can’t seem to make yourself follow the rules of society. So it’s a dilemma of ‘damn if you do, damn if you don’t’.

    So what do you want to do?

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