The Urge and the Hope that kills

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by GL.
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    If there’s anyone who’s reading this, thank you, and I hope your day/night is bless with happiness.

    I’ve just gone through a break up of a one year relationship, just 10 days after our first year, we broke up due to personalities clashes. I knew how toxic we were in that relationship, harsh words were thrown at each other, toxic behaviors towards one another. Yet when it comes to breaking up, I just couldn’t let go. I couldn’t stop the urge of texting and calling my ex, I’ve been in this situation twice before, and this time no matter how much I told myself that I won’t repeat it again, I did the same thing after my previous 2 relationship ended. I texted for reconciliation. I texted my ex that I wanted him back and hope he can reconsider it. Though the answer came as a negative one, I don’t get how my brain can twist it into something that needs to be question again. Silence can be a form of answer, why can I just get it? Well my brain gets it, however my heart doesn’t. My brain was fully aware of the don’ts and dos after the break up, why can’t my heart follow it? I know that you can’t make a person want to be with you, you can’t change a person’s heart if that’s what he wants, you should respect his decision, but why was it so hard when it comes to heart break? My urge ends me in humiliation, and the hope that I have in reconciliation kills me. Why? Till when will it stop? Till when will I stop hurting my heart? I don’t pray for him to come back, I only pray for God to give me strength to leave whatever that isn’t meant for me.


    Dear trustagain:

    Thank you for your good wishes. You shared that most recently you went through a breakup of a one-year relationship, 10 days following the one-year anniversary of the relationship.

    There were “harsh words.. thrown at each other, toxic behaviors toward one another”, yet, following this breakup you gave in to the urge again, just as you have done following two previous breakups, the urge to  “text.. for reconciliation… texted my ex that I wanted him back and hope he can reconsider it”.

    He didn’t reply, if I understand correctly. Your brain gets his silence as a No, but your heart doesn’t. You wrote regarding your urge: “My urge ends me in humiliation, and the hope that I have in reconciliation kills me. Why”?.. Till when will I stop hurting my heart?”

    My answer: humans are social animals, like domestic dogs and coyotes and wolves and deer and elk. When a social animal finds himself alone, terribly separated from its social group, it experiences an acute distress, it panics.

    I remember one night waking up to the extremely loud and urgent howls of a single coyote who was separated from its group, it didn’t stop piercing the silent night sky with its desperate cries until his group came back for him. When that happened, the cries were gone, and all was well for that one lost coyote. The reason behind the panic, for the coyote, is that alone, without the group, he is not likely to survive, as they hunt together and help each other survive otherwise, together.

    A similar acute distress is experienced when a young animal finds herself alone, separated from her mother, like a young fawn finding herself alone, her mother the doe nowhere in sight. The doe fears being alone with no way to feed herself and protect herself from predators.

    Back to you- you were emotionally attached to the three boyfriends, one at a time. Each was your social group, each was partly an emotional care-taker of sorts. Separated, like the coyote, like the fawn, you panicked. When we panic, the heart takes over the brain, like you suggested, and all you care about is getting him back…. so you text, similar to the coyote howling: Come and get me! I am scared alone!

    As you know, a breakup is not the same as an animal finding itself alone, we can still eat, we are not in physical danger, but our social animal instincts are still that of other social animals, it feels like we are in danger, having suddenly left alone, separated.

    There is intense despair in that separation, as well as intense hope for reuniting with the person gone from our lives, ending that desperate separation.

    Is my explanation making sense to you?



    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your time to see and read my post here, it means a lot.


    You are welcome, trustagain. I will be glad to read from you again, anytime you want to express yourself again.



    Dear trustagain,

    It would probably be helpful for you to work with a coach on your perspective of romantic relationships. For you to not want to let go of a relationship even when it’s was clearly toxic and not because of a clash of personalities, but because you both chose to be toxic, could link to a certain emotional high you can get from arguments. For some people, fighting is linked to communications because of the high level of dopamine that the brain is releasing, which, can feel good. Or at least a familiar pattern so that is what people seek out in their relationship. You, yourself, might have unconsciously created an association of a degree of toxicity being common in relationships and you might have became somewhat emotionally dependent on that emotional high of toxicity you get from being with your ex. Dopamine is how you feel pleasure so it can get addicting, especially when it’s dependent on another person to activate. Though , looking at another angle, you might have wanted to get back with your ex because you felt emotionally dependent on him. No matter the case, it’s difficult to let go of something you felt depended on so the first step for you would be to look at what the common elements of a relationship are for you.

    Good luck.

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