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  • #414430
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    I am glad you and your daughters are doing so well! Also that you’re learning a lot about NPD and arming yourself with knowledge for the future.

    I wish you all the best and many blessings on your journey ahead. Enjoy your freedom, and a healthy, nurturing relationship with your daughters!

    #414429
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    sorry for a later reply, I am not doing that great health-wise, which bogs me down quite a bit.

    Yes, you’re right and I’m working towards putting good silence on that drill sergeant.

    Good to hear that! I like how you approached the mishap with the missed online meeting. Although it was your fault, this person’s reaction was quite unforgiving. First, they logged out within less than 5 minutes of the agreed time. And then they refused to reschedule – showing no understanding and a strong judgmental attitude. So you’re right, it’s probably for the best that you don’t have them as your client.

    I think the thing is that I know I’m sensitive. This could be my strength and my weakness. Both. But unconsciously I maybe still thinking more as a weakness and less as a strength. Means still there is some kind of fear.

    Yes, sensitivity is the same as vulnerability. You may think it’s your weakness, but at the end of the day, it’s your strength, specially in a romantic relationship. (Just as a side note, we’re not meant to be vulnerable in every relationship, of course, e.g. we don’t want to be sensitive/vulnerable with ill-meaning, toxic people!). However, in a romantic relationship, the goal is to be open and honest with each other, to be able to talk about our fears and weaknesses, and yet be understood and supported by the other – rather than blamed and judged.

    You did say a while ago that you feared sharing too much of your “imperfections” or problems, even if your girlfriend showed compassion, because you thought it would make you “weaker” than her. As if she would use the knowledge of your weaknesses to hurt you, rather than to help you and encourage you…

    So you might have a false belief, saying something like “if I show my weakness, I will be attacked”. Perhaps you’ve picked it up in your family of origin – because your father did indeed attack you and chastise you for showing even the slightest weakness? So you’ve learned to hide your weaknesses – not to be attacked?

    Yet still there was times I wasn’t able to say things on their face like you’re doing this and it’s hurting me. I was just making sarcastic comment or neglecting on that and be like they should understand these “signals” and they will work on it.

    Alright, so you didn’t dare to say that something was bothering you openly, but you used passive aggressive means, such as sarcasm. You were afraid to openly admit that something is hurting you. In other words, you were afraid to openly admit that you are vulnerable and that the person has the power to hurt you. And so instead, you put a shield around your heart… and the language of a shielded heart is sarcasm.

    For example, instead of saying “it hurts me when you don’t reply to my texts for an entire day”, you say “I guess you’re so extremely busy that you don’t have time to reply to my texts”. It’s like sending a little poisonous arrow instead of being honest (and vulnerable) and saying “this hurts me”…

    And when they haven’t changed their behavior patterns and did the same things over and over. I took it like they’re the ones not putting efforts (even though that they were somewhat aware of this) in this relationship only me who’s working for making it better. So I don’t want it and I’d just breakup.

    Right… you felt that they didn’t care, even though you’ve never openly expressed what was bothering you. Instead of being honest and vulnerable, you rather blamed it on them and called it quits…. So perhaps your shield started to go up as soon as the person was doing something that was hurting you, but you didn’t have the courage to admit it, and so you switched to sarcasm and started feeling resentment?

    #414416
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    Well then I can trust my instinct more, and if they should reject me it’s better in the beginning than later.

    Yes, definitely. If you like someone, and you feel they like you too, you don’t need to doubt it so strongly and avoid them at all costs. Because chances are they might like you too – you’re not imagining it and it’s not all in your head. So try not to avoid them but stay around them and be open for a conversation.

    Maybe it’s easier said than done, but what’s important is that you don’t immediately get into the avoidance mode, where you tend to run away. Rather, try to stick around (even though it’s hard) and see what happens next…

    I have been leaving when my crush is near, like when people come for coffee I will have a chat with them but usually leaves if it’s someone I like due to my anxiety going up.

    Yes I understand – when you like someone, your anxiety goes up and it’s almost an instinctual reaction to run away. But you’ve realized in the meanwhile how harmful this defense mechanism is… and you’ve even made a breakthrough and let it go by confessing your true feelings to the hostel guy. So you’ve already had experience in breaking the pattern, so I hope it will be easier for you from now on.

    In fact, I am thinking that maybe you can use “exposure therapy” for the situations when you like they guy and they seem to like you too. You sort of “force” yourself to stay, even if your anxiety goes up and your habitual reaction would be to leave.

    I probably feel so clingy due to my sister always feeling I took up too much space, she could talk about herself for hours but if I talked for ten minutes she thought it was too much.

    Yes, I can imagine that your needs were absolutely not respected and all the attention went to your sister. And you were even made guilty for having needs of your own. I hope you’re slowly healing from that false conditioning…

    And also, bonding is a normal human need – to stay close and bonded to someone we love. So you wanting to stay close to the person you like doesn’t make you needy or clingy – it makes you human. Please remember that!

    I never thought about it (being like forced exposure therapy) but now you mention it it makes sense. I never avoided the ones I didn’t really wanted to be with and I would always end up with them.

    Right… you weren’t avoiding all men, but only those you liked. Being with the men you didn’t like allowed you to sort of address your fear of men and reduce it a little. And at the same time it kept you safe from your greatest fear: being rejected by someone you really like.

    But I was also surprised that being psysically intimate with someone I didn’t care about my body was more relaxed. The only guy I felt safe with and liked made me shake uncontrollably. My teeth even chattered. I just couldn’t control it.

    It just shows how great was your fear of rejection and abandonment. Loving and caring about someone was associated in your mind with the greatest possible pain – the pain of being abandoned, and as a result, perhaps the fear of destruction and helplessness? If the fear is very strong, it can easily produce such a traumatic response in your body, like uncontrollable shaking, teeth chattering etc…

     

    #414174
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    people always told me if i guy likes you would know but I’m always in doubt

    well, it’s not always that obvious, because it can be that someone is a gentleman and kind, but doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. The example you gave, with a guy offering you an extra towel, could be an example of that… So you’re right to be cautious not to mistake politeness and kindness in general with liking you/having feelings for you.

    But if someone wants to spend a lot of time around you, makes flirty comments (just to you), if you notice them watch you sometimes and they don’t remove their gaze instantly but keep it on you for a second longer – those are all signs that a guy likes you. And of course, if they invite you for a drink – that’s a clear sign.

    i go go over to them and start conversations, and if i see them in the bar i go home because of my anxiety. I’ll reply when spoken to but I keep my distance.

    I guess you meant to say “I don’t go over to them and start conversations”? If so, that’s not such a huge problem because not everyone is that self-confident and extroverted. You can be seen as shy, and that’s okay.

    However, the fact that you leave the place when you see them – that’s a big problem. It sends a message to the guy that you don’t even want to communicate, that you’re not interested in them. If you avoid every opportunity to spend time with the guy you like, that’s a problem.

    I’ll reply when spoken to but I keep my distance.

    Is it that you reply briefly, but then you don’t ask them anything back? The conversation sort of dies, unless the guy keeps asking?

    Like when he kept saying but who is gonna pour me a beer? I felt that by waiting the 30 min he would figure out i did it because of him and he would see me as clingy, but looking back waiting to go with two colleagues to go to the same party wasn’t gonna make me look clingy or weird.

    Yes, he was sort of flirting with you, wanting you to stay for another half an hour, showing you he likes your company. If we like someone, we want to spend as much time as possible around them. It doesn’t make us clingy. Or better say, no wonder we want to cling to (be around) someone we like. So next time, don’t hesitate to “cling” to someone you like, specially if they want to hang around you as well 🙂

    Yes I definitly see a pattern. It was so weird that it’s easier to be close to someone you don’t have feelings for than someone i like.

    You’ve actually explained it so well already: because it hurts less should they reject you. The stakes aren’t so high.

    I was thinking about the fact that you went out with the guys you didn’t like, and it occurred to me that it might have been a sort of “exposure therapy” for you – to get over the fear of men? I am saying this because you were told in your childhood to force yourself to do the things you fear… so perhaps you applied the same principle to your dating life, in order to get over the fear of men? If so, it’s only logical you’d rather date someone you don’t really like, because they’ll hurt you less than someone you like…

    Do you think this could have been the case?

    But yeah now i can start to break this pattern and I didn’t realise that I already did

    Yes, that was a great success and a major breakthrough for you – breaking the old, destructive patterns!

     

    #414151
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    Well people have actually told me the same. On one occasion my friend asked me why I kept saying no to go for a drink with a guy that I was starting catching feelings for, I didn’t see it as me rejecting him like with X and Y my brain told me that he was only asking to be polite and not actually meant anything with it.

    Well, when a guy asks you for a drink (I mean, you alone and not a bunch of other people), it usually means he likes you. They rarely do it out of politeness… except in some special situations, e.g. you go on a business trip with your male colleague and you have to wait together at the airport. So your colleague asks “shall we get something to drink?”, basically to kill time. Otherwise, no, they don’t just do it for no reason. So next time a guy asks you for a drink, and you like him, don’t hesitate too much 🙂

    Alright, it seems you’ve been consistently rejecting/staying away from people who showed interest, acting as if you were not interested. That was your defense mechanism against the pain of rejection. It didn’t even show on your face that you might be shy or anxious (you thought it showed, but others told you it didn’t) – so the guy might have easily concluded that you’re not interested. (I don’t know how exactly you behaved: maybe you avoided the person, didn’t smile back at them, avoided eye contact?) So after some time of them expressing interest, and you sort of staying cold, they gave up.

    Would you say that this is what happened?

    On the flip side of that, you said you went out with guys you didn’t really like, and it felt easy:

    I have it easier being with someone i don’t have feelings for because they can’t hurt me the same way. Like i been doing hook ups (never went the whole way) with men at it felt easy.

    So a kind of a paradox happened: that you went out with the guys you didn’t like, and you behaved pretty confident, open and relaxed around them, right? While you were avoiding and sending wrong signals to the guys you actually liked.

    So yes, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, because you got what you didn’t want, and didn’t get what you wanted…

    Do you feel that now you would be ready to slowly start changing that pattern, after you’ve healed some of your fear of rejection?

    I think that taking initiative and making a move towards the hostel guy was actually a great thing, because you’ve finally broken the pattern of avoidance and pretending that you don’t care…

     

    #414120
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    Oh I see – so your former colleague wasn’t really a flirty type, he just called every woman baby because of his culture (perhaps he was Italian? 🙂 ). He was telling everybody in the office about you, but he never made a move. He called you princess, but he never asked you out on a date, although he was telling to your guy coworkers that he would…

    Do you think it’s possible that he chickened out because you were a bit closed off and guarded?

    I am asking because you say that you are very careful not to fall for someone too easily:

    I usually spend 6 months analysizing everything to keep me from getting hurt, before I take a step forward. I need a lot of reassurance before I start believing that someone likes me

    It takes a hella lot for me to attach myself to someone

    I become very avoident to the people i am atracted to… I know now that it’s not social anxiety but a fear of vulnerbility that triggers my anxiety, and a fear of rejection. I’m fine until it gets to close.

    So maybe you acted a bit cold/guarded with him, and it discouraged him from making a move?

    Based on what you said, it seems that in general, you’re very guarded around the guys you like and even pretend that you don’t like them (I become very avoident to the people i am atracted to). And this pretending can last for quite a long time, maybe even months (you said it takes around 6 months till you’re sure that the guy likes you).

    If so, perhaps you’re sending the wrong message to the guy you like, and by the time you’re sure he likes you, he sort of loses interest?

    This is just a speculation, Katrine. I am trying to understand why it so happens that a guy seems to like you, but doesn’t make a move….

     

    #414106
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    Okay good, Be sure to update me.

    Well, that was the initial check-up and I got some exercises to practice at home…  and then come back next week. So I’ve started doing those, and am hoping they’ll work…

    Yes, that’s what I’m doing. With lot of communication even with my friends and teammates

    Glad to hear you’re listening more and showing more empathy, before offering advice. And you’re right to apply it with your colleagues and friends too, not just your romantic interest…

    And Today I had another therapy season. She said I’m doing lot better than she expected

    Well, you’re working very diligently on your self, you’re very motivated, and that’s a positive side of being driven. What’s not so great is when you’re pushing yourself too hard, never being happy with yourself, judging yourself for not being good enough or fast enough. So, being motivated and driven: YES. But being like a drill sergeant to yourself: a big NO 🙂

    Yet she told me she feels like I still have rigid layer around my heart. I’m more sensitive but changing my root beliefs and believe and love myself in healthier will take some more time

    Can she intuitively feel the energies? A rigid layer around your heart could be the defense mechanism we’ve talked about: your fear of being emotionally hurt, and that’s why closing your heart and fearing intimacy. Because intimacy requires that we be vulnerable with the other person, that we show our weaknesses, but also that we admit how much we care about and depend on the other. That we admit that they can hurt us. That’s vulnerability.

    If we fear being hurt, we’ll close our heart, and we won’t allow anyone to get near. But we’ll also stay alone… So vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s actually a precondition for intimacy and happiness.

    And she gave me good example of window glass. What happens when you throw rock at the window glass? Not just that injure the people inside. Rigid things break easily. So let it at ease. Let it feel things let it be softer

    Yes, that’s also a good analogy. In my mind, this rigid layer around the heart is more like a metal shield – protects the heart from being hurt, but doesn’t let anything/anyone inside. In order to soften things up, you’d need to remove the shield at least partially…

    Now thinking about your dynamic with girls, it could be that after the initial exuberance and vulnerability that you feel towards the girl (feeling very much in love, writing poems…), the fear comes up – the fear that you’ll be hurt. And so the shield goes up and you perhaps enter the drill sergeant mode, putting yourself in a superior position, trying to “improve” her… which helps you to feel less vulnerable. Because if you feel in charge and have the upper hand in the relationship, you feel she can’t hurt you as much?

    I am just musing here…. let me know if any of this rings true?

     

    #414103
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    It’s was from April – Sept from he started working there. He was just a lot more extroverted and at times cocky.

    Was he extroverted and cocky with you too in the beginning? Or he was always a little awkward with you?

    In fact, now is the first time that I am having a picture of this guy being extroverted and cocky, i.e. of him being sort of a charmer (he is charming and flirts around… No nerves or anything.). So far I didn’t think he was so extremely<i> </i>self-confident around women, because you said that with you he was rather insecure, right? He told you that he too suffers from anxiety, and you thought that this is what you two have in common.

    So it’s almost like two different personalities: one is extrovert, self-confident and even cocky, and the other anxious, awkward, insecure…. I am wondering – did he start behaving oddly around you only after you confessed that you like him? Or even before that?

    As for the guy at your previous work place:

    I was in a similar situation pre pandemic with a guy from work. He showed a lot of interest in me and only me, calling me princess and every other woman baby talking about me in a romantic sense to the guys at work etc. then after several months he got fired, he ghosted me shotly after. It left me heartbroken because where were the signs that he didn’t like me?

    Right… well, if he called every woman baby, it shows a certain type of character – possibly a flatterer. I mean, if someone is a little bit flirty with every woman, and then even more flirty with you, I wouldn’t trust them too much, because flirtation is just a part of their “spiel”.

    So I don’t know, maybe he was like that, but you liked it that he gave you a lot of attention and spoke to you nicely, and didn’t notice the red flags, such as him being “charming” with everybody?

    #414030
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Daniel,

    I think I understand now…. you’re feeling pressure from your overly caring parents, and you feel that if you don’t check that major box (of getting married within the “acceptable” time frame), they’ll be disappointed in you. You’ve checked all their other boxes, but this one you’re having a hard time with…

    It seems your parents’ love is conditional – they love you and accept you if you live according to their expectations. But if not, they start worrying about you, maybe they subtly criticize you, compare you to your cousins and friends, and it makes you feel that “if I don’t get all this sorted by a certain age or at the same time as my cousins/friends then I am letting my parents down or my family down.”

    In other words, you feel that if you don’t meet their expectations, you’re letting them down. You feel like a disappointment, right?

    I guess you would need to tell yourself that you are not a disappointment, even if you live according to your own timetable and follow your own dreams and desires.

    You mentioned that girls don’t feel the spark with you. Maybe it’s because you don’t feel that spark either? If we try to live according to other people’s expectations, and tick all their boxes, it usually dims our spark… because the spark is our individuality, our unique essence, and it needs to be free to express itself…

    Tell me what you think, does this ring true?

     

    #414028
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    This was the thing i feared not being with him is bad enough but knowing that this girl is getting what i want is the worst.

    I can imagine it feels bad… but try to remind yourself that you don’t really want what this guy has to offer. He can’t give you true love, caring, appreciation…. in short, he can’t give you a healthy and stable relationship. He is still fighting his own demons, so he has very little love to give.

    I gonna try not to expect things from him, he been weird around me almost the entire time we’ve known each other he wont change around me now. There’s clearly something that makes him react like this only he knows the real reason why.

    Yes, he has been weird. You’ve been trying to figure it out, and I too was coming up with all kinds of explanations. But at the end of the day, we don’t know why he has behaved like that and what’s in his head. Only he knows that. The only thing you can do is to let go, even to let go of trying to understand. Again, it’s important that you know it’s not your fault and not your responsibility.

    It hurts and I know this will take time, I’m counting down to him leaving then it will be a lot easier.

    I was thinking about you and what seems specially hurtful is that he was indeed showing interest in you during July-Sept. He was treating you differently than other girls, and it wasn’t all in your head. And then, when you finally approached him, he denied that he was interested and said “sorry, I don’t see you that way”.

    So in a sense, he denied your reality – something that you’ve already experienced with your sister and parents. And not only that, but during those 2 months that he was showing interest, you hopes went up, you got more and more attached, and when he denied it all, no wonder it hurt so much.

    So I just want to say that I understand how hard this is for you… Please know that none of it is your fault, and that you didn’t do anything wrong.

    I hope you can stay away from him as much as possible and that over time, you’ll be less and less affected by him.

     

    #413954
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    For Sure. When you want to start physical therapy?

    Tomorrow is my first appointment…

    I think I realize now that the way I require freedom my partner will require freedom too and by pushing and kind of controlling is not the way. It wouldn’t make her feel safe and thus she’d try to pretend something… Am I right?

    Sure, and also, if you constantly feel the need to “improve” the person, pushing her to do this or that, she might feel she’s not good enough for you. She might feel criticized and judged, like she’s is with a strict parent, not an equal partner. So yes, more empathy and less control is key…

    Haha short but on point video. I’m definitely appreciating listening/empathizing.

    Good! So if she complains about something, first listen and empathize. Only then offer advice 🙂

    Okay so this might be the also reason that I feel behind sometimes. My family and friends do expect me get married and be settled ASAP. (Not forcing but still)
    Lot of my friends who are even younger than already got married and some have kids as well. Because here getting married in your late 20s considered lot more normal and safer.

    I see, that’s societal/cultural pressure. But keep in mind that you like to walk your own path, so don’t be swayed by those external pressures. Do what feels right to you.

    But I know well that I’m not ready for marriage. I still have my goals to accomplish. And I started to believe in slow love as well. Guess I’m still hopeless romantic!

    Absolutely – if you feel you’re not ready for marriage, don’t do it. And yes, don’t settle for someone just because others are telling you it’s time to settle.

    Yes that’s exactly what I’ve decided!

    Great! I am rooting for you!

    Well as of now I think she’s not rushing to settle down but I guess there might be fewer common interests. I’m guessing because she’s not minimalistic like me, likes noisy places, Extrovert. But she’s outgoing and upright honest about things which I liked about her. Also she’s not that much tall but I’ll manage. Okay I’m hard to please I know but maybe I’ll find other good qualities?

    Well, you’ll see. You’ll need to spend some time together to see how she is in person. But don’t judge her by how tall she is or other physical features – her character and personality are much more important!

     

    #413953
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Daniel,

    you seem like someone with very high self-awareness, as well as sensitivity. And I think it’s actually to your benefit that you’re also an emotionally aware person, with empathy and an ability to listen (I am not weak when I say emotionally in tune, what I mean is I am not afraid to show interest/express a feeling/listen to others/help those in need because I care.)

    I also believe it is to your benefit that you’re genuine, that you don’t play games and are wearing your heart on your sleeve. All those are qualities that women like and prefer, so I find it very unlikely that it is something that would repel them on the long-run (But I am starting to feel that this emotionally in tune side of me is weak to women or it doesn’t help ignite sparks or create attraction in me.)

    What I am noticing instead is that you say you have a very supportive family:

    I am in at a personal level thanks to the support/upbringing of my family & friends

    stable career/family life

    And at the same time, you say that your anxiety stems from your parents:

    I think I have always had a degree of anxiety coming from my parents as they can be stress heads

    Have they changed in the meanwhile and now they are very accepting and supportive of you?

    I grew up around a very “alpha male” type of group and within sporting environments where sort of oneupmanship was a theme and a “boys club” type of vibe.

    Have you experienced oneupmanship and “boys club” vibe only in the sport clubs that you were a member of? Or perhaps your father is also an alpha male, and you’ve experienced it at home too?

    I am asking because it seems to me that a part of you might be too blended with your family, even if there might be some issues still unresolved between you?

     

    #413950
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    I am sorry about this new development and that it causes you so much pain. I say it’s for your own good that this guy rejected you – because I still believe he’s a very troubled person, unable to be in a healthy relationship. I know that reason is one thing, emotions are another, so it’s hard for you to not feel hurt. But at least, know that he is not a catch (except that he is good looking and knows how to charm women away) and that you wouldn’t be happy with someone who has alcohol and drug problems.

    Well people called him a player because he would get super drunk and then fool around with women only to not want more from them but players don’t need alcohol to be wuth women. My colleague who just told that he and that girl are a thing goes out with him and x and y and she says he is charming and flirts around. Like her behaviour today gave it away but he was treating her the same way he acts around any other women, No nerves or anything.

    Well, it seems he can be charming and flirting around both when he is drunk and when he isn’t. I don’t know if he is a player, who likes to see women fall for his charm but then reject them. Or he is a “clueless Adonis”, who is simply a magnet for women, but his intention is not to mislead them and make them fall for him.

    As for his treatment of you, I am not sure but it seems to me that he did mislead you, because he showed interest in you, and then he backed off. And later, he had the nerve to stand near you at the office party, and not utter a word. It can’t be said he was clueless about his effect on you (he knew you had a crush on him), and yet, there he was, standing near you. I didn’t like that behavior and I told you so already. It felt manipulative.

    This tells me that he indeed might be a player, i.e. that he has the need for girls to like him and desire him, but he doesn’t have an intention to be with them. I am not claiming this, since this guy is hard to read, but based on this incident, it could be the case.

    Whatever it is, I am glad that he actually said No to you, because you would have been hurt. I know it hurts you now too, but you might have been much more hurt if you entered the relationship with him. I am almost sure about that…

    Iyou are right. I take on too much resposibility for other people emotions and him being weird around me and if they are gonna be a couple then he should talk to me like a friend.

    Yes, you’re not responsible for other people’s emotions. But also, don’t expect that he should talk to you like a friend. You can’t force him to talk to you like a friend if he for some reason feels anxious around you. So allow him to feel awkward around you. His awkwardness doesn’t say anything about you – it only says things about him. So if I were you, I wouldn’t expect anything from him.

    Instead, I’d try to spend as little time as possible in his vicinity. Perhaps you can work in the opposite shift from him? If you end up getting triggered around him – specially now that he’s messing with this girl – the best would be to limit your exposure to him.

     

    #413913
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    It happened when he was talking to me.

    Okay, so he tends to forget people’s names when talking to you. At the yoga date, when he was leading a yoga session, you said he could hardly remember some words, such as body parts. You even suspected he was on something… What could be the reason he forgets words around you is that his anxiety goes up when around you – because he likes you.

    He might indeed experience discomfort because he isn’t neutral towards you. But at the same time, he didn’t want a relationship with you, which would indicate that he is highly conflicted and confused. Or he fears relationship tremendously.

    In fact, during the last 9 months since he’s been working at the hostel, and having met dozens of pretty girls, I guess – he hasn’t started dating any of them. If he is cute and popular with women, I don’t see any reason he wouldn’t date – unless he is afraid of a relationship. And that might be the main reason why he rejected you – even though he might like you.

    Of course, that’s just a speculation. We don’t know why he rejected you, but it’s a possibility, considering everything you wrote about him and his behavior.

    A little bit. It feels like i overstepped a boundary but I know i didn’t i become very avoident when i like someone so i know i didn’t.

    You didn’t overstep a boundary – he had been showing consistent interest in you, and so you just sped things up. It was totally legitimate.

    The fact that he is feeling anxious around you is not your fault whatsoever. If he likes you (but fears relationship), it’s his problem. If he doesn’t like you, but feels weird knowing that you like him – it’s again his problem, not yours. Because each of us is responsible for our feelings, so he needs to be able to self-regulate. It’s not your responsibility to regulate his feelings.

    So please, Katrine, you have absolutely no responsibility for his feelings. You haven’t hurt him or done anything wrong to him – you only expressed your interest, after he had been showing interest in you for at least a couple of months prior.

    Blaming yourself for things you’re absolutely not responsible for is very likely the legacy of your relationship with your sister and parents, who all blamed you for things you haven’t done. Specially your sister and father blamed you (and are still blaming you). The blame and guilt-tripping that you received from them became internalized, and now it is you who is blaming  yourself for things that are absolutely not your fault.

    How do you feel about this? Does it seem plausible?

     

    #413894
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    I hope you’ll be alright and may you able to create the healing energy for your own self.

    thank you for your good wishes. I hope that healing energies will come both from within and without, as I start physical therapy 🙂

    Yes you analysed it right. I was projecting my things on her. Which wasn’t healthy. But I believe I did learn some compassion from her. She was trying for that but I wasn’t listening and just blindly driven

    Good that you’re aware of it now – that you were pushing her the same way you were pushing yourself to do more and better. So that’s one big lesson for your next relationship.

    I also remember that you said you didn’t like her complaining, and so you offered various solutions to fix the problem. But probably you lacked one key step: showing empathy for her problems. Instead, you rushed to solutions immediately. There is a funny video about that, where this is taken to the extreme. It’s on youtube, titled “It’s not about the nail”, by Jason Headley”. Talks exactly about fixing vs just listening/empathizing…

    I want to get married. I know that because I love kids. But if I get married now I do fear loss of freedom and it’s just that I just have lot to do, still lot to see in this world, lot to accomplish.

    That’s fine, you don’t need to get married right away. You can find someone who, like you, isn’t rushing to get married, but wants to enjoy life, travel, perhaps accomplish some professional/career goals first… There are girls like that out there, not everyone wants to get married and have children right away.

    You’d need to look for a compatible person, with similar goals and values, and also similar interests. She doesn’t have to like everything that you do, but there should be at least some compatibility, e.g. being an outdoors person, or loving adventure, or whatever is important to you. You can have a committed relationship with such a person, and yet, it wouldn’t require you to give up on some of your career or other life goals.

    As per my situation 2 of my friends suggested me that. And it’s definitely new for me because I haven’t tried that before I know it’s really complex thing to do.

    Well, guys like to suggest such things, but you said it yourself that it wouldn’t be fulfilling and it could indeed hurt you. It’s not even your style, and I know that if we force ourselves to do something that go against our principles, it’s never a good thing and we always get burned.

    Is there something in between relationship middle of casual and committed?

    As  I said, you can have a committed relationship with a compatible person, in which you feel free to be yourself and aren’t afraid of losing your freedom or giving up on some really important goals. I am not saying it’s easy to find such a person, but  it’s possible. What I am sure is that settling for casual relationships won’t help you find such a person…

    I believe in safe sex or even being tasted first, so rare to none chance for STD

    Good that you’re cautious!

    Because one of the girl texted me to spend this weekend with her. To be honest at first, I was really tempted. But I do want to taking things slow and step by step as you said… So I told her for next week and maybe I’ll meet and see how things goes from there

    Yes, you can try it and see if she is compatible to you, e.g. if she isn’t rushing to settle down but is more relaxed about it. Or if there are common interests that you can both enjoy in your free time. Or if she seems genuine, not pretending…

    And yeah, I’m working on my compassion and empathy as well

    Good to hear! Keep up the good work! 🙂

     

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