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TeaK

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  • #379907
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    it just occurred to me, perhaps you can listen to lullabies too as a way to soothe yourself. There’s a beautiful lullaby by composer Brahms. Both the original version is good, but there’s also a guitar version on youtube (search for Brahms lullaby guitar), which is even more soothing and calm.

    #379905
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    thanks for your reply, it was good to read from you again.

    it’s always like that, the topic is always about them but not me (even with my close friends)… but right now im starting to learn to be more assertive.

    Due to he never talks about his emotions, i think it affected me that i have a very weak communications skills and im introverted…i have a very weak communications skills and im introverted…

    Regarding your lack of assertiveness and good communication skills, I think it’s mostly because you’re shy and you fear embarrassment (i.e. you have low self-esteem), that’s why you are reluctant to talk to people. A part of it is due to your mother, who sees you as weak and “a reason to worry”, which is pretty bad for your self-confidence. And a part of it due to your father, who is strict and probably you fear his judgment. If he doesn’t have a sense of humor, if he’s a little like a soldier – very disciplined but never shows emotions and vulnerability – then no wonder you would fear him and afraid to be yourself around him.

    Around your mother you feel more free to be yourself, to show your weaknesses, but around your father, you need to be on guard. You can’t be spontaneous, you have to pretend. All that contributes to your feeling that you’re judged when in company of others, and you can’t relax and be yourself even with your close friends. Is that the case?

    But he can do business successfully without being communicative because he has a leadership trait and high sense of responsibility… making most people respected him.

    He’s probably good at giving commands and telling people what to do. Again, like a soldier, or a commander. His employees respect him because he’s probably a just employer, he gives them fair pay and they don’t feel exploited. However, I don’t think they like him too much. I believe they rather fear him. It’s fear and respect combined.

    Yes my mom has made me feel weak and unconfident, she even said that when i get married later on i’ll have a room in our new house (the new house is going to built soon). I dont really mind living with them, as i dont have to think about the foods and chores later on…. and also i think if i live alone with my wife later on… with only the two of us, isnt the house going to be so lonely? Do u think with my mother’s personality, could it cause a conflict with my future wife later on? (idk if i’m thinking too far regarding this, as i havent even find myself a girlfriend).

    If you want to have a successful relationship, you’d need to first develop self-confidence and self-esteem. That means you’d need to learn to love yourself and have trust in yourself and your own abilities. Your mother has raised you to be weak and dependent on her, to believe that you’re incapable to take care of yourself. She treats you like a baby. You’d first need to separate from that kind of thinking, which you also adopted.  You cannot see yourself as weak and incapable if you want to have a healthy relationship.

    One way to feel more confident about yourself is to take on some duties in your home – perhaps some chores, or work in the garden – something where you can feel useful and which can give you a sense of accomplishment. You’re not a lazy, incompetent kid –  you’re a capable and resourceful smart young man. Try to see yourself like that, and do accordingly.

    Make  yourself useful in some small way, so you can feel that sense of success and accomplishment. Never mind if you’re not perfect immediately – allow yourself to make mistakes. But try it, keep doing it, and with time, you’ll get better at it. It will give you a tremendous boost to your self-confidence.

    I think this is the first step and a precondition for thinking about marriage and starting a family. When you feel more self-confident and stronger, you’ll be in a different space mentally and will be able to make a decision whether to live in your parents’ house or somewhere else. But for now, do everything you can to boost your self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment. This will make you less dependent on your parents too and capable of making your own decisions.

     

    #379904
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    you’re welcome, I am so happy that it helped you and that you can feel hope again!

    #379903
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Nar,

    good to hear from you again! I am very glad your intrusive images have stopped. First there was a change of image, which was a good sign, and now it’s gone completely. Fantastic! It has to be related to your healing and better understanding of your childhood and how you were hurt without even being aware of it. You embraced that little girl, and I believe it resulted in those intrusive images to stop.

    Although we all acknowledge our parents were hurt in one way or another by their own parents and that’s why they were hurting us, I think we are still playing the blaming game. I realised this problem is so deep and goes so far back, that healing through loving an inner child and cutting out a parent that hurt that child is only a partial healing ….because our parents are not to blame, we are all to blame. We as humanity.

    When we truly heal, it doesn’t mean we necessarily cut out the parent that hurt us. Rather, we can relate to them differently, having compassion and open heart, but also protecting our boundaries. We heal our side of the relationship, we’re ready and  open for a more sincere contact, but if the parent is stuck in their own wounds, blaming us, then we can’t really establish a deeper contact. But it depends on the parent, not on us.

    The goal of the inner child healing is not to blame the parents, but to forgive them. We are all wounded children, with the difference that some of us decide to work on it, heal it and take responsibility for our lives, while many others take the easier route of blaming others. Misery propagates because people who refuse to work on themselves keep blaming others for their misery. Entire nations and ethnic groups blame each other. That’s what brings tragedy and war. But those who decide to stop blaming and take responsibility for their lives are the ones who bring humanity forward, who contribute to peace and healing.

    I wish you too a nice, hopefully less restricted summer, and lots of positive emotions too!

    #379900
    TeaK
    Participant

    P.S. You can try that exercise (breathing deeply and slowly while having one hand on your heart, the other on your belly) even throughout the day, perhaps while you’re listening to a sermon by you favorite pastor. Maybe that would help to connect the soothing, calming effect with a soothing figure – if you believe you’re not strong enough to give that soothing to yourself.

    • This reply was modified 22 hours, 1 minute ago by TeaK.
    #379899
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    it might be related to your fear of dying when you were a small child, living in an abusive home. We hyperventilate when we’re in  shock. I remember hyperventilating after a car accident, which thankfully ended up well, but it was terrifying. When that happens to you, put one hand on your heart and the other on your belly, and try to breathe slowly, telling yourself soothing things like “it’s ok, it will pass”, or even soothing sounds that you would tell to a baby when they are upset, like “sshhh, it’s okay, you’re safe”.

    Try to comfort yourself like a caring parent would comfort a baby. Do you think you can do that?

     

     

    #379883
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    And in regards to my parents, they weren’t looking at the world like it’s a bad dark place, they just didn’t care about me.

    Right – and because they didn’t care about you, your outlook on the world is that it’s a cruel, cold and unforgiving place. But since you did receive love from your grandparents, you’re now not depressed and suicidal, you haven’t collapsed, but are keeping on keeping on… Still, due to your worldview it’s very difficult for you, you feel exhausted, you feel like an overstressed engine that might break at any moment.

    And emotionally, you feel lonely, you “crave intimacy and closeness like drug addicts and alcoholics crave their vices.” You feel on the verge in every aspect, saying things like “I might die”, because you feel that your current condition is not really sustainable. You hope it will be better, but at the same time, you say:

    “I don’t know how [to love myself], considering I hate my self quite a bit, but I will learn.”

    Do you really want to learn how to love yourself?

    There is a filter that is skewing my perception of the world and my parents had some part to play in it because they ignored me and didn’t show love, and didn’t help me to build my future, but I’m not a little boy anymore. I want to stand up on my own. I am being my own parent right now, I am trying to look past the filter, I am trying to be a little bit more open minded.

    The little boy is still inside of you. When you say I’m not a little boy anymore, I want to stand up on my own”, you’re disregarding his needs and going into the Protector mode, which tells you that you can heal and thrive without tending to that little boy. Without tending to his pain. Without being a loving, compassionate parent to him – rather than a strict boot-camp coach that is pushing him to achieve and “keep fighting until you die.”

    You’ve been a boot-camp coach to yourself, you’ve been pushing yourself to the limits, you’ve been “struggling, but not giving up”. It does seem you’re being a little gentler with yourself recently, such as what you mentioned in your points 1-3. That’s a good development – keep that up.

    However, true healing will require some deeper work, the kind of work where you can be a compassionate, not a boot-camp parent to yourself. Where you can meet that boy, comfort him and tell him that he isn’t alone. That’s when you’ll start truly loving yourself…

    I’ve been telling you all this before, don’t know if it will reach you now. But that’s the only path to self-love that I know works, and it works long-term. It’s a deep, transformational healing.

     

    #379878
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lk09,

    I am glad you didn’t actually need my “rescue” and can filter things that you don’t think apply to you. I wasn’t sure, so I thought I better chip in… well, it ended how it ended.

    I don’t really feel guilty, but I was and am willing to consider how I might have still hurt Anita unintentionally. You say you don’t see it – glad about that. If Anita feels like talking about it, I am very open to it – better to talk things through if possible…

    I care about you too, lk09, you’re an amazing young woman and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Take care and keep us posted!

    #379876
    TeaK
    Participant

    Oh okay, get it. Yeah the punctuation can be a tricky thing 🙂

    #379874
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lk09,

    I am so glad you’re feeling better and have opened up more to your friends, being vulnerable, sharing your insecurities. Also, that you’re writing inspiring stories. I’ll be happy to read your blog once you upload it.

    I saw the posts, you both left each other.

    How do you believe I “left” Anita? Can you please share your view, because I don’t see what I did wrong in either addressing the issue of histrionic behavior, or treating her. I don’t see how I should have posted in a way not to offend her.

    I believe Anita’s contribution here is incredibly valuable, and this forum wouldn’t be the same without her. It’s like 99,99% of her contributions are super helpful, only this one might not have been so much. That’s why I reacted. But she took it personally, she felt bad about it, and wished me farewell soon after. I truly don’t see my mistake here, but please tell me how you see it.

    I enjoyed communicating with you too, lk09, and hope to hear more from you, not only when you’re “so utterly lost that I can comprehend my own thoughts” but otherwise too 🙂

    Wish you well too!

     

    #379873
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    good to read from you!

    I know there are decent companies out there and I will NEVER work for another evil company again. No amount of money will make me do that.

    It’s good to hear you’re not compromising your core values. For a moment, when reading your previous post, I thought you decided to accept a high-paying job in some company you despise. But you haven’t – you stick to your principles. That’s great.

    I do like technology and I enjoy studying so I can take these exams. I am not studying and hating every second of it. Not at all.

    This is also good. You’re not hating the field you’re in, in fact you like it. So there’s no need to look for something else. IT is a huge field and everyone needs IT services, so I believe you should be able settle in a decent company (or even a school or a public institution – are you eligible for that being a foreign citizen?) and earn decent money, to have a decent living.

    Every company cares about profit, but there’s a difference between a company that also cares about its employees and one which exploits its employees for a bottom line. I hope you can find a company or institution where you’ll earn decent  money and feel respected rather than exploited.

    If I don’t take care of myself, if I don’t get paid enough money, if I don’t study my a%% off, I’ll be in trouble. That’s the world we live in and not my perception of the world. … The world is unforgiving.

    It’s true to a point – America is pretty hard-core capitalism and it’s probably harder to make it there than in Sweden or some more socially sensitive Western country. And it’s not socialism like the former USSR, which was in my opinion not a good system at all. In fact, it was a much worse system than free initiative and entrepreneurship that you get in capitalism. However, it could be that workers’ conditions are harder in the USA (I know there’s almost no paid maternity leave for example), so perhaps that’s one of the reasons you’re experiencing more of the “unforgiving world” than you would in some other country. I can’t really tell because I don’t live in the USA.

    I get it and I appreciate your breakdown of the personality thing. I am not sure I fully understand it, but I get it. And you’re probably right. But I live in this terrible reality (terrible in a sense of the reality of capitalism, competition, greed, etc.) and I don’t know what else to do.

    Try to understand that there are decent companies, who do care abut their employees. That America is not just soulless, greedy, cut-throat capitalism. Open yourself up to that possibility. I know it’s hard for you because you base your conclusions on your so-far experiences, and your negative experiences go far back into your childhood and youth, where you didn’t get help from your parents and were left to tend for yourself.

    Your experience of the world started forming very early when you were a young child, when you experienced your parents as cold, brutal and lacking compassion for you. This was a base for later experiencing the world exactly the same: cold, brutal and unforgiving. The way you experienced your parents defined how you later experienced the world. Can you accept that notion?

    Your experience of the world is colored by your experience of your parents. It’s as if you’re looking everything through a filter that distorts and skews the image, because it magnifies certain (negative) experiences, and leaves out other (positive) experiences. You get a distorted image, because of that filter. If you’d remove the filter, the image of the world would change.

    I know the Universe doesn’t conspire against anyone, even though it feels like it sometimes, but what the hell is this? Why am going through all this? When does it end?

    This is the result of the filter. It skews your perception. It feels horrible. You’re only experiencing negative things. It feels like the universe is conspiring against you, it feels like the universe is cold, harsh and lacks compassion (like your parents). It doesn’t give you any good news, it doesn’t give you a break. If you’d remove the filter, it would give you a different image.

    I have pain in the kidneys. I am sure it’s nothing serious, but it’s still bothering me.

    It’s most probably nothing physical. The adrenal glands are above the kidneys, and they produce adrenaline and cortisol – hormones of stress. They’re produced when we’re in the fight-or-flight, i.e. survival mode. You’ve been operating in this mode for quite a while…

    I am struggling, but I am not giving up. I will never give up. I just wish that there was some, just a little tiny bit, of good news. Just anything that’s positive would help me. But it’s mostly been the other way around. 

    What I’ve been trying to say is that you’re struggling against the skewed image of the world. If you’d remove the filter, you wouldn’t need to struggle that much.

    What do you think? Can you accept that you might need to remove the filter, so you can experience a better, more positive reality?

     

    #379867
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    While reading your post, I got the “sense” of relief and your reasoning enlightened me. But, seconds later, the negative thoughts and guilt and all the self-hate came back again.

    I understand your reaction – even if we understand something rationally and it sounds true to us, and we accept it as true, it still doesn’t mean we can suddenly stop our negative thoughts and feelings. That’s because those thoughts and feelings stem from an earlier phase, when we were little children, sometimes even before we could talk. The inner child in us is hurt but it also blames himself for causing pain to his parents.

    The first thing you could do is to start having compassion for the little boy that you were many years ago, who endured all that abuse. Start having compassion for yourself as a helpless, innocent child. It was absolutely not your fault that your father was a bully and was terrorizing your mother, and that he later brutally punished you for the slightest mistake. Try to have compassion for that little boy who just wanted to be loved but couldn’t, because he was living in such terror. His mother wanted to love him but she couldn’t protect him from his abusive father. She wasn’t able to protect him. Try to have compassion for that boy who had to endure beating and terror for full 5 years. Do you think you can do it?

     I just want to see her happy, and like everybody else, she deserves to be happy.

    Everybody deserves to be happy, but we cannot make our parents happy if their unhappiness is caused by their own wounds. I could never make my mother happy, no matter what I’ve tried and how perfect of a child I was. Your mother’s unhappiness isn’t caused by you – it is primarily caused by her. She endured an abusive marriage and probably would have endured it further, had your father not left. She endured a relationship in which she was a mistress for 10 years, in which she certainly wasn’t happy but it was still better for her than to be alone.

    She might be blaming you for depriving her of her happiness, but is her, with her own weaknesses and childhood wounds – who deprived herself of true happiness and settled for breadcrumbs. She accepted and tolerated men who didn’t really love her or respect her. It has nothing to do with you. It was she who was creating her own unhappiness.

    That’s why you can only work on your side of the relationship with your mother, but you cannot make her happy. You can have compassion for her, understand her, help her, however you cannot heal her wounds. Your task is to heal your own wounds, and be able to relate to her from that healthy place, from which you can offer more both to yourself and to her.

     

    #379790
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think that I understand your concern, you are concerned that parts of my replies to Ik09 have caused her harm. I greatly appreciate your motivation (and I greatly appreciate your participation in the forums).

    Yes, my concern was that insisting that lk09 engages in histrionic behavior isn’t helpful and that it might cause her harm, e.g. that she might feel accused of something she isn’t doing, or that she might start questioning herself and thinking what if indeed she’s creating drama as a way to seek attention.

    Because of everything she’s written so far on her threads, my impression was that she isn’t a drama queen, and that this was an incident where she felt harassed and attacked, and she was desperate to the point of “wanting to die”. That’s why she made those gestures.

    I believe she didn’t do it on purpose, she even said she doesn’t remember what was going on in her head (I remember the actions of my body but I don’t remember what was going in my mind and what I was thinking regarding the action.) It seems it was an affective moment where her emotions took over and her rational brain switched off for a while. People can react like that when overwhelmed with strong emotions – they might do something stupid. That’s why it didn’t seem to me like something she would have planned in advance, but rather something that happened in the heat of the moment, as a result of her feeling desperate.

    Because I am in the habit of reading your replies to OPs- if you state your thoughts and concerns to the OP in the ways that I suggested in my previous post to you, I will consider and take your input to heart.

    You suggested I should have phrased my post with these words: ”I do not believe that you engage in histrionic behavior’, addressing lk09, and not you. But even if I have phrased it like that, it would be clear that I am expressing disagreement with an assumption that you made. Wouldn’t it feel equally hurtful to you, even if I didn’t address the post to you?

    I will no longer address you or reply to you on any thread in which you are not the original poster. Take good care of yourself, and I wish you well.

    Dear Anita, this seems like an overreaction – you appear offended and you don’t want to communicate with me any more unless I start my own thread. It seems there’s a wound there that I hit, where you feel rejected or wronged in some way. It wasn’t my intention to do that. But it appears it did cause you pain and a defensive reaction.

     

    #379786
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I reacted to you repeatedly suggesting that lk09 engages in histrionic behavior. lk09 replied to your first post, she explained that she doesn’t feel like she’s creating drama to seek attention. However, you continued to postulate that indeed, she is seeking attention. I felt the need to react to that assumption of yours, because I believe it is not helpful to suggest that a member is engaging in a behavior they’re most probably not engaging in.

    I don’t have anything against you, I think you’re doing an excellent job on this forum, so my reaction isn’t personal against you, but rather, to give another perspective to lk09 who might feel accused of something she isn’t doing.

    When you point to another member who replies as being wrong, it creates a negative feeling in the other member, and it may put the OP in the position of siding with one member against another. Overall, it promotes a negative/ unsafe atmosphere in the forums. We are here to learn and hopefully to help just a little, we are not here to disagree or argue.

    It appears you feel personally accused of being wrong and it created a negative feeling in you, and also you have a feeling that lk09 might “side with me” because of that. This is your projection, I must say. As I said, I reacted because I felt your perspective in this particular issue might not be helpful to lk09.

    Indeed, I agree we should try to help each other, and I felt that insisting on the notion that lk09 seeks attention through drama isn’t helpful.

    If you want to have a conversation with me, you are welcome to start your own thread, where you will be the OP, and I will be glad to address you there.

    I don’t have the need to address you in a separate thread. I only had the need to react in this particular issue, for the reasons I’ve just explained.

    In my very next post I will address the OP with something that occurred to me as a result of reading your most recent post.

    Alright, I am looking forward to reading your post.

     

    #379782
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am not sure lk09 engages in histrionic behavior, only because she had a couple of episodes where she felt so harassed and bullied by her sister and parents, that she reacted in desperation and made those self-harming gestures. She described those two incidents in her letter to her boyfriend, and the way I see it, it was an act of desperation, when she felt bullied and not understood, like an animal pushed into a corner.

    This is what preceded those episodes:

    No matter what I do is never good enough and then listening complaints and how bad I am and how i shall never have anyone in my life and how I shall always be alone in my life, How acc. to my own blood, I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through by fighting.

    A few days back, I was constantly being shouted on, non stop complaints- about how I am perfectly useless and how I cannot do anything. It caught on to me and that is the last I remember. I remember the actions of my body but I don’t remember what was going in my mind and what I was thinking regarding the action.

    Then one day again same thing happened. Sister started it, then mum took over…this time I was crying and on the floor begging them to shut up, I remember hearing maa say “You don’t even die, just bring disgrace to us” she said it in anger to make me stop but I ran towards the terrace, Aum caught me in the way and pushed me so that i stop. I sat there and cried and asked them all to go and leave me alone. But nobody left, they kept saying things, I started hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing in my drawing room.

    She was shouted on, told that she was useless, that she was a disgrace, and that she’ll always stay alone. And that she’s “planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through by fighting.” This is what her narcissistic sister accused her of, and narcissistic people are masters in accusing people and pretending they’re the victims while they are in fact the abusers.

    You say:

    It is interesting that your sister, although unlike you, she was not given away- she too felt alone and suffered from lack of attention (this is why she tried to be the center of attention).

    Her sister was/is narcissistic and didn’t tolerate anyone else to be the center of attention. She needed to be the center of attention at all times. She was bullying and demanding, but her parents allowed it, because she had protection of the grandfather, who was Alpha and Omega in the family. So I don’t think her sister felt alone and suffered from lack of attention – rather, she was spoiled and as soon as the attention was not on her, she would act up.

    I believe that in those two incidents, lk09 reacted in desperation, and that she didn’t seek attention by creating drama – it was what her sister unjustly accused her of.

     

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