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  • in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #432865
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    Como stai?

    Io sto bene, grazie 🙂

    (I only knew the 2 last words. For the rest I asked Google Translate 🙂 )

    after that he came to balcony and be like yeah you’re doing well. I was like if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well. So he got angry again because I talked back. But I didn’t care. And tbh I felt so alive and proud of myself! It happened yesterday evening but I’m still feeling so good about it.

    Yay, you did great! Congratulations! I love what you told him: “if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well.”

    You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.

    And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!

    my mother came to me and she was like you know him why you wanted a fight? So I also told her,. Even about the therapy. Like do you have any idea what this kind of events in my life and suppressed anger is doing to me? If you want you can tell him, He won’t be able to control me like he did in my childhood.

    So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).

    It’s good that you told her how her silencing you and making you suppress your anger had negative consequences on your life and mental health. And that he won’t be able to control you like that anymore. But I guess you indirectly told her as well that she won’t be able to control you any more either, right? You told her off too – you told her you won’t fall for her pleas to suppress your own voice. You told her you won’t stay silent, but will stand up for yourself. Which is amazing!

    So once again, congratulations! It was 2-in-1 action: you dealt with both parents in one swift move. 🙂

    How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?

    Yes I actively need to work replacing critical voice with positive and supportive one.

    It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?

    Well I think I’ve felt the most powerful just recently like I told you. Because of that I felt like yeah I have my own voice and power why am I keep letting them control me?

    Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.

    Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.

    And another time when I finally got a fully remote job in sustainability!

    Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.

    Hmm What else? Can I also count when I learned to Bicycling and Driving? Because my family thought I’m slow and scared of it, so I wouldn’t learn that

    Sure, that one counts too. You achieved something your family thought you wouldn’t be able to. Achievement – and especially achievement in spite of obstacles – gives us a sense of power!

    I mean I already tried, I also know the particular situation (the one I just mentioned) I think that situation from my childhood is the most memorable one

    Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.

    But the feeling the truth by I mean like I’m right and I shouldn’t feel like only elder family members tell me is the truth. Like I literally feel like I need to build my own voice persona from scratch.

    Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?

    Because the thing is even the positive voices are coming externally. Not from within, Like how some of my friends praise me, how my co-workers praise me for my work, the women I’ve been with tells me how kind, passionate and caring I am.

    Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?

    Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?

    Like I don’t feel like I actually need external validation, I’m not longing for those voices. But it’s just there. You know what I mean?

    You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?

    I need to connect with myself on deeper level.

    What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?

    But you can feel free to tell me how can I “rewrite” from your perspective.

    I just meant the exercise with the inner child, where the client imagined an event from her childhood and then “rewrote” the script (she stood between her inner child and her stepfather, and protected her inner child from her stepfather, and then reassured her inner child that she is safe and loved and protected). But if you feel you did some of that in the latest interaction with your parents, that can work too.

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    I won’t be able to try to convince you

    Haha, this sounds like a Freudian slip on my part 🙂 Yeah, I won’t be able to convince you, probably.

    I meant to say: I won’t be trying to convince you anymore. I hope I can stick to my own word 🙂

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    I needed to take a break from this thread and trying to convince you of things (about B) that are so obvious to me, and I believe to any outside observer, but not to you unfortunately.

    It saddens me that after more than 150 posts that we’ve exchanged, and you knowing that she was lying to you, hiding important things from you, and falsely accusing you – you still choose to trust her word. You still believe her interpretations of events and her excuses:

    The issue with her ex was just a coincidence according to her, cause it was supposed to be the female housemate who was supposed to remove her braids.

    She only prostituted herself one time, and she claims to have had no choice because her aunt had set up the whole ordeal.

    She did go to pool parties but that was before we started dating and she didn’t dance sexually in front of men in that manner,

    B said that there was no party the previous night, and she said that she went to the pool by herself before everyone woke up but she didn’t know her friend had also woken up.

    So that’s one problem that I see: you believe a liar and a manipulator on her word.

    Another problem is that you are deluding herself about some aspects of her character, e.g. that she didn’t mind being told what to do:

    B was fine with doing as she was told (idk if she held any hatred in her hurt but she never expressed any hate towards me for being “controlling”). B usually asks me about my opinion before making decisions but Ig sometimes she just never took my advice to heart.

    B didn’t call me a control freak or anything similar to that though. I was referring to other women that I have come across who told me about how their boyfriends are control freaks for not letting them party and etc.

    She might have not told you in so many words that you are a control freak, but she did tell you in her letter that she felt crucified by your expectations:

    Because I was your first relationship, you had expectations, and when those weren’t met, I was crucified but made excuses for it at the same time.

    If she felt crucified, it means she felt harshly judged and condemned for her actions. And this means she wasn’t fine at all with doing what you told her to do, i.e. with your expectations and limitations. On the contrary, she felt crucified by them.

    I am not saying that her feeling like a victim was justified. But what is for sure is that she did object to your guidance, even if she didn’t express it directly. But she expressed it indirectly: by not following your guidance, by “forgetting” what you told her, by “not thinking”.

    So she was passive aggressive about it: she felt controlled by you, but instead of telling you that directly, she simply ignored your wishes. And then she pretended that it happened by accident, that she wasn’t thinking etc.

    But of course, it wasn’t by chance – it was because she didn’t want to do as you told her. She didn’t want to be restricted by your expectations. That’s why it happened that “sometimes she just never took my advice to heart.”

    Yes, she didn’t take your advice – not because she was absent minded and oblivious, but because she didn’t want to take your advice. In her letter she made it clear that she found your guidance and your expectations limiting and crucifying.

    So this is how you are deluding yourself that she wanted to change for you, but somehow didn’t end up succeeding. The truth is that she didn’t want to change, but pretended she wanted to – because that’s how she could stay in the relationship (and be financially supported by you).

    To put it simply, she played dumb with you – she pretended she keeps forgetting how to dress and behave around men, and that she didn’t mean it, and that living with her ex doesn’t mean anything, etc etc. One excuse after the other. And you fell for it, because unfortunately, you don’t have a problem believing that women are dumb.

    And I can tell you that she is not dumb at all. Her letter proves it. She is quite intelligent and manipulative. Indeed, like a snake (the word you used to describe her at one point).

    But it seems you’ve changed your mind about her being like a snake. Now she is again a simple dumb girl, who was too dumb to learn to behave properly. And that she would need more education:

    Based on all the time that I spent with her, I think she just lacked good parenting where her parents didn’t advice her well enough.

    It seems that for you, that’s an easier qualification to stomach: that she is dumb, not manipulative. And indeed, you are very set on believing it (expressing it in your last post too):

    That is precisely how dumb she is.

    That is why I said she can be very stupid sometimes.

    She is just a very stupid hypocrite. I have to literally spell things like this out for her in order for her to understand.

    I have an idea why believing that she is dumb rather than manipulative is an easier explanation for you. But unfortunately, it’s not helpful to keep believing it, because you won’t be able to recognize abuse and manipulation in your next relationship. And you will enter the next relationship with the same false belief that women are dumb and need to be educated – which won’t lead to happiness either.

    Anyway, I won’t be able to try to convince you of anything anymore. Maybe some day you will change your mind and start to see things differently. Which I sincerely hope, for your own good.

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #432762
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    Very similar to what I like in weekends. Except caffeine.

    Yeah, I am still a fan of caffeine, only “diluted”, with plenty of milk. Latte is almost like comfort food for me, so yeah, there is an attachment there, which so far I don’t want to break free from 🙂

    Lack of physical affection is even worse than the emotional neglect. Because it has that feeling of safety. Like I got you, don’t worry.

    Yes, physical affection is very important when we’re babies, because that’s the only language we understand. And if we are caressed and played with, and soothed and held when we’re upset, that means so much for our nervous system and our basic sense of safety. And also, the basic sense of feeling loved, because physical touch means affection.

    My mother didn’t like physical affection because I think it didn’t come naturally to her – because she herself felt so deprived of love and affection (due to her own childhood). So she couldn’t give what she didn’t possess… But then she rationalized it by saying that giving hugs and kisses will spoil the child, or that it’s fake, that the person giving hugs and kisses isn’t sincere and doesn’t truly love us. So she rationalized her own coldness and emotional detachment, instead of admitting that there is something missing in her…

    My mother used to caress my head sometimes and my grandma as well. But I’m quite sure no physical touch from my father. Only aggression.

    I have a photo with my father in his lap, when I was maybe 1 or 2 years old, where he is looking at me with great love and affection. But he wasn’t really a hugging type, and we didn’t have much emotional closeness later as I grew up. But he was never aggressive. He just didn’t protect me from my mother’s aggression, so that’s his major “crime” against me.

    But because of that you think it kinda turn us into not touchy people?

    Actually yes, I myself used to be rather restrained in expressing physical affection. I think one of the main reasons was that I felt empty inside, I felt like I have nothing to give. But that was before setting on my healing journey. Now I am more free, but still not super touchy-feely.

    Luckily, my husband is the touching type. He likes to give me hugs and back rubs, and I enjoy it like a baby 🙂 He definitely made up for what I was missing as a child, both in terms of physical and emotional affection. So that’s been a huge blessing in my life.

    Like even now I feel awkward when someone tries to hug me. Yet I do get little emotional. One of my uncle is really extrovert and I have a good relationship with him and the thing is that he always hugs me. Literally like half minute hug. Not a quick one. And that guy has a germophobia. We meet rarely but whenever we do. We talk a lot.

    Aw that’s wonderful! Your uncle must really like you and appreciate you a lot. I hope you can take it in and allow your heart to open up, to receive his love. Because he seems genuine in his expression of love, and you said you don’t like people who are kind in a fake way, because they usually want something from you.

    But it seems your uncle is an example of someone who genuinely cares about you, so perhaps next time he gives you a hug, try to really receive his love and open your heart? (if you haven’t already)

    Hmm We talk just about similar things. She complins about work. We both are into cats so we talk about cats a lot too. Other than that just flirting here and there.

    When she complains about work, what do you do?

    Ohh I haven’t looked from that POV. But I don’t think so, I don’t want to mimic something like that. Specially not getting angry over small things. Because it takes a lot to make me angry. I already have a calm image even for myself.

    Okay, so she is someone who gets angry over small things? And she freely expresses that anger? While you get angry only over big things? But even then, you suppress your anger and you don’t say anything to the person who is mistreating you or otherwise doing something you find unacceptable. This is what you said about the incident when your nephew and other kindergarten kids went to the doctor:

    I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

    I don’t raise my voice lot of times when I should, and then get angry after that.

    You already know how much of my anger is just buried.

    It’s okay that you didn’t make a scene there and exploded in uncontrolled anger. However, you also say you don’t raise your voice when you should, and then you get angry afterwards. Which would mean you don’t dare to stand up for yourself in the moment and set boundaries, or speak for yourself.

    Btw, is she (your new love interest) the kind of person who speaks up for herself when needed, or she only vents to you, but doesn’t dare to e.g. speak to her bosses?

    If I remember well, your previous girlfriend (the doctor) praised you for being so calm and composed. But that was likely only a persona, because your anger is deeply buried. And maybe that’s why you didn’t like her, because you didn’t allow yourself to be authentic with her (and by being authentic, I mean expressing your anger too). So perhaps you felt that she likes your persona (the part which you were comfortable showing), but not the real you?

    it happened before with one of my other friends too. We used to talk a lot and share a lot of things and then She got into relationship and then they decided to move to Canada together. Now we talk rarely. And it’s not just talking but I think somewhere in between I have to learn to accept that people come and go.

    One thing I am hearing is that good friends leave when they find a partner. You had a certain closeness with her, a certain emotional intimacy, but I guess neither of you were interested in a romantic relationship? And then you lost that closeness once she found a boyfriend and moved away, right?

    And with this recent female friend, she found a boyfriend and started talking about him enthusiastically, and you don’t like it:

    since yesterday I don’t like to talk to one of my friends who’s got into new relationship. Because she always be talking about how good and nice he is. I know as a friend I should be supportive but yeah I’m just not in the right mindset.

    Perhaps you are feeling a sense of loss of that deeper bond that you used to have – which always disappears when your female friend gets into a relationship? And also, there seems to be a longing for something you don’t have:

    it just feel weirdly painful when I hear like “Ohh my bf made a playlist for me”. “Ohh he surprised me with flowers” It reminds me of myself when I was in relationship

    Perhaps when they tell you these things, you get reminded of the good times in your own romantic relationships – good times which lasted for only a short while, and only in the beginning. But then the anger, upset and anxiety would set in (at least it was like that with your LDR, with whom you stayed for almost 3 years, if I remember well?). So there seems to be a longing for a relationship, but also fear because it never turned out well.

    Okay so I think we should discuss about this in depth. According my situation, Because again I just tend to think rationally instead of emotionally,

    I know I don’t want a superficial relationship. But because I don’t feel ready what if I start with something like situationship first instead of go all in serious romantic relationship and overwhelm myself?

    Yes, you don’t want a superficial relationship, but you are afraid of a deep relationship. Of deep attachment and vulnerability. Because that might hurt you. You have some false beliefs about a romantic relationship, e.g. expecting perfection from both yourself and your partner, expecting the relationship to be hard work etc. We talked about it previously. So because of these false beliefs and your own fear, you make relationship to appear super scary. And of course, you don’t want it.

    You want something “light”, as opposed to “hard”, which you believe a committed relationship is. But “light” can only work with someone who doesn’t want to be committed (i.e. someone with intimacy issues, like you), or someone who is hoping to change you, like your ex did. She was hoping that you would get madly in love with her and won’t be able to live without her – even though you told her you have attachment issues. But she was hoping you would change for her.

    Anyway, “light” relationship isn’t the real solution. It’s an escape from fear. And fear is lying to you that a loving, committed relationship is hard work and involves a lot of sacrifices.

    Maybe it would help if you wrote down everything you believe about a loving, committed relationship and what it involves. Perhaps it would shed some light on the various (false) assumptions you have around it?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dafne,

    just a little correction. I want to rephrase one sentence to sound like this:

    The message your mother gave you might have been something like “stay here with me, where you are safe”

    Because I don’t want to project things on you. It was my mother who gave me the message “Stay here with me, where you are safe.” Maybe your mother’s message was different. Anyway, I just wanted to mention this.

    Much love and take care <3

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dafne,

    thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them and am happy I can help <3

    You’re right those counselors weren’t professional and unfortunately my anxiety skyrocketed after that visit.

    Even the fact that they were two (or more) of them, not just one counselor, in the session with you, is strange. Individual counseling is done 1:1. There is no need for another person to sit in the room, unless they are perhaps a supervisor. But that’s rare. Did both of those supposed “counselors” actually actively participate in the session with you? Have you inquired about their credentials? Because it could be that they are not real counselors, with a proper training.

    I will try to apply your plan for the future and moving away at some point. I could still visit frequently and help as much as I can without staying accesible and feel stuck in one place with them full time.

    I am so glad you’ve decided to plan for your future, where you won’t be stuck in the care-taker role full time, but will have the freedom to follow your own path. That’s wonderful!

    But Tee, what should I do with that little dog? He did not deserve to be treated like that. What if my mother is serious and will give him away. His heart would not handle it as he has a separation anxiety and doesn’t stay alone at home and never at other people’s place.

    You mean someone is always at home and he never needed to stay at home alone? And he hasn’t been trained for that either? I am not a dog expert, but perhaps you can inquire at the dog shelter you’re volunteering at about what’s best to do.

    And also, I know people like your mother – they like to blackmail with suicide or horrid things like that, but they would actually never do it. That’s their manipulation tactic. It is a way to keep you obedient and in the role she wants you to be. So don’t worry, she wouldn’t do any of the kind.

    And if she keeps threatening, you can tell her that she seems self-dangerous, and that you’ll have to report her to the authorities (e.g. her GP) that she might harm herself or the dog, and that she’ll need to be taken for a psychiatric evaluation. That can be a bluff, of course, but I think it might be enough to silence her.

    Because such people can only behave if they are blackmailed in some way, if they fear the possible consequences for them. If not, they have no regard whatsoever for other people, and you can’t reason with them. So I think this might be a good tactic – to use her own method and blackmail her (even if you are bluffing) with unpleasant consequences if she keeps telling these disturbing things about harm and self-harm.

    And you’re so right about that wrong mind program running in my head since childhood. It is mostly those little statements that my family always used on me: don’t talk, stay quite, what people will think, hide in your room or he (my uncle or my dadd) will get more angry when he sees you smiling (I could not smile in the presence of my uncle), don’t touch this, your opinion doesn’t matter etc.

    That’s so unfortunate, Dafne, that you were not allowed to be a normal kid, play freely and express yourself freely. You constantly had to fear something (your father or your uncle), and your mother was feeding that fear: she actually conditioned you to be this fearful little girl, who should not be seen or heard, who shouldn’t have any needs or desires of her own, who should hide in the corner (or her room) lest she gets the beating.

    I am so sorry that you were treated like that. It is time now to slowly but surely liberate that little girl from her corner, to let her speak and want things and express herself, and play freely. She deserves it, and you deserve it too. Her time, and your time, has come.

    I feel lots of fear. I hope it will not prevent me from moving away and finding my own place. I’m not sure if I can make it on my own. It is ironic how we are emotionally attached to people who have hurt you the most in life. Isn’t it?

    I know you feel fear. It’s normal that you do. Because you were taught that you are not good enough, and that you better hide from the world, instead of go out into the world and thrive and be happy. The message your mother gave you was something like “stay here with me, where you are safe. You are not good for anything else anyway.”

    But staying with her, caring for her and sacrificing your life for her is not a safe place at all. It is a place of decay and degradation. A place of lost opportunities and unfulfilled dreams.

    So it is time to get out of there, slowly but surely. You don’t need to do it suddenly, but by taking baby steps.

    I would also recommend to find something that you enjoy doing, and do more of it. Because you need to play more, you need to give your inner child the joy of doing something just for the fun of doing it. Not because it serves anybody. But simply because you enjoy it, so it serves you!

    So take up a hobby or some activity outside of serving your mother and her cousin, and even outside of volunteering at the dog shelter. Something which is pure joy for you, and you feel alive and happy when you do it.

    Is there such a thing for you?

    I am so happy that you are opening up to the possibility of venturing out from your comfort zone. Which of course is not comfortable at all, but painful. But it feels safe, until we realize it is not. And until it starts shrinking on us. At least that’s what I am learning nowadays about my own comfort zone…

    So I completely understand your fears, but I also know it is a necessity to step out of our comfort zone, if we want to be really happy and fulfilled.

    I am rooting for you, and thinking of you! Much love <3

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    her choice of outfit is more like thin to an extent, or the skirt has a very long cut

    another outfit would be a top and jeans but the top is short so you can see her stomach clearly

    most of her outfits require her to wear no bra as well

    So she likes to party and dance without a bra. Nice. And then you say she doesn’t like when men view her as a sexual object?

    She did dance, but not to entertain men sexually and she is fully clothed, but these clothes highly certain parts of her body like her thigh or waist or breast etc.

    Okay, so she is dancing in a tight skirt with a high leg cut and a top without bra. But that’s not at all sexually enticing. It is innocent. And she has no intention to be viewed as a sex object. None at all.

    How am I deluding myself?

    Read the above. A girl dancing and partying without a bra is not seeking sexual attention from men. According to you.

    I would prefer not to assume that she was up doing all kinds of wrong things.

    Well, even if you prefer not to assume certain things, it doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. That’s a part of self-delusion: not wanting to see things that might hurt us. And she was a pro at making excuses for herself, and appearing to be innocent and oblivious, while continuing to do whatever she wants. And you fell for it.

    Btw is she still living in the same house with her ex?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    You would see a lot of females in revealing outfits teasing men or dancing sexually (such as shaking their asses at men) and behaviors like that really make my skin crawl and I cannot be in those kinds of environments.

    The only thing I didn’t account for was the way she would behave at the parties. Like I said, I am fine with her going to parties and resorts and enjoying herself, but she has to know how to act at these places. I should not be seeing her wearing revealing outfits like very thin bikinis/thongs and enjoying herself while other men are staring at her enticingly, especially since she is a very beautiful/sexy woman.

    So B is someone who likes to party, and those parties are the kind where girls (including B) dance practically naked, in a bikini/thongs, while men are staring at them and lusting after them. So B doesn’t mind that kind of environment, where she is looked at as a sexual object, a piece of meat. I am sure that’s how her rich old guy “friend” viewed her too.

    And indeed, they took a photo together by the pool at 6 am, after one of such parties. Surely, they didn’t all wake up early to go for a refreshing swim. But they stayed up all night, doing who knows what.

    But then you say:

    She is always fully clothed (except when she is at home… where her ex also lives) but she looks very sexually appealing in every outfit she wears no matter how fully clothed she is. So at that point, I can’t do anything regarding her clothes.

    Yes, she is fully clothed except when she is partying – that’s when she is practically naked.

    She is also fully clothed except when her ex is taking out her braids – that’s when she is naked, wrapped only in a towel. And yes, she lives under the same roof with her ex, so that’s when she is not fully clothed either.

    You also say:

    She grew up surrounded by these immoral activities but she said that these activities were disgusting to her and she will never follow that path. But like I said, she had COUNTLESS opportunities to use men for money and etc, but she didn’t.

    She didn’t? She didn’t prostitute herself for money? She doesn’t go to pool parties where she is dancing half-naked in front or rich old tourists? She didn’t let you finance her for an entire year? She didn’t take your laptop and doesn’t intend to return it any time soon? She didn’t convince you to invest in some shady financial schemes, and then used the little that you earned for her own expenses?

    She didn’t do any of that?

    But idk, maybe I am just making up excuses for her.

    Oh yes, you are. You are deceiving yourself big time. You see her as some innocent angel, who is 100000 times better than other women. But I don’t see any innocence in her, only manipulation. Her letter to you confirmed it: she felt crucified by you for having some minimum expectations. She presented herself like a victim, whereas she was lying to you and using you all the time.

    But you know, I won’t be trying to convince you of the same thing again and again. I’ve spent 11 pages analyzing her and trying to help you see how manipulative she is. But if you still think she is innocent, that’s your right.

    You tend to beautify your memory of her. Because in one post, you describe her sexually enticing dancing/partying habits, where she willingly goes to those parties and dances provocatively in front of men. But then in the very next post you claim that she always dressed modestly and that it’s not her fault that men lust after her.

    As I said, you are deluding yourself big time. You would need to decide: do you want to keep deluding yourself, or you want to finally see the truth?

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #432577
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    my weekends (this one too) are usually peaceful, taking a light walk, sitting on the terrace of my favorite cafe, drinking my latte. Quite enjoyable, even if simple 🙂

    Usually for spines there are Remedies that could include Ashwagandha, Shallaki and Guggulu then there’s also Panchkarma and various Yoga Asanas as per your condition.

    Oh I’ve heard of Ashwagandha, as a remedy for anxiety. I can imagine it can actually help, if it calms down the nervous system. As for yoga, it is not recommended, since it involves a lot of bending, which is counter indicated. So no yoga for me, unfortunately…

    I think yeah and I know I had these moments in my childhood but I simply can’t recall those memories now but just the low feeling stuff.

    Do you remember any of such instances? Because I don’t, and I don’t think I had many either, since my mother was not really a fan of caressing and physical touch. And I spent almost a year as an infant at my granny’s, who was even colder than my mother… so I can imagine I didn’t get much cuddling, and in general that sense that they (my parents) are happy to have me in their life. Perhaps a little bit from my father, but I don’t really remember.

    I don’t feel at ease with her. I just get excited like a baby.

    What are you excited about? I mean, what are you getting in the interaction with her?

    And yeah lot of her behaviour, I simply can’t accept it for longer term. I think it’s just puppy love or infatuation.

    If it’s infatuation, it does mean she is meeting some need of yours, or you are hoping she could meet it… an unmet need.

    Something just occurred to me: you said she is dramatic, always on the verge of anger. Whereas you keep your anger suppressed. So perhaps that’s what you like about her? Her freedom to express anger? So perhaps this is what she has, which you would like to have too, and it is attractive?

    I don’t know if I’m trying to feel some void just like some distraction. So I try to reply her late and then she also does the same.

    Okay, you are pretending you don’t care so much, so you’re delaying your reply. But as you said, the more you try to suppress your yearning, the more it is growing.

    Heck since yesterday I don’t like to talk to one of my friends who’s got into new relationship. Because she always be talking about how good and nice he is. I know as a friend I should be supportive but yeah I’m just not in the right mindset.

    I get that – you are confused about what you’re feeling for this girl, you’re internally conflicted. And so you can’t really be happy for your friend, because you are fighting your own inner battle. Is that what’s going on?

    Hmm I don’t mean by dating more like adding better and meaning activities instead of mundane same routine everyday things. Nowadays I don’t feel the pressure of settling down. and dating is something new so.. I don’t know I still want to date just for fun not like creating deep and meaningful relationship but maybe that’s what alright for now?

    Oh I see, you mean dating brings something new and exciting. Well yes, it does, but it also brings up your fear of relationships, which is happening now again, with this girl… And that’s what makes you question whether you actually want a more serious relationship or just something superficial, to have fun. I think it is your fear speaking: the fear of intimacy is telling you to only seek superficial relationships. Because you do want a relationship, but you’re afraid of being hurt…

    And I also watched video you suggested and so it was really relatable and insightful so thanks a lot. I felt like crying after watching that.

    I am glad you liked it! You probably saw yourself in that example, and that’s what brought tears to your eyes…

    feeling I’m not good enough and being hard on myself because critical father and he me feel little and I thought he was right

    So I was emphasizing I must be not worthy

    Yes, you adopted your father’s belief that you are not good enough. Christine Hassler often uses the phrase “you bought into the belief…” Yes, we as children believe our parents’ view of us. Their critical voice becomes the voice of our inner critic. The external critic becomes internalized. And so the voice of our critical parent(s) keeps living in our head.

    She also asked this really good question tell me about a time when you felt powerful. I need to think about this.

    Yes, it’s a good question. Have you thought about it?

    Guided Visualization also seems like a very good practice to try but I think feeling the truth is the hard part. Because it’s been so many years.

    You mean you don’t feel ready to do the exercise with the inner child, which she did with her client? Or you don’t remember a particular situation, which you would want to go back to and “rewrite”?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    I would like to address the examples of immoral women and rampant promiscuity that you’ve mentioned so far:

    There is a girl here who is dating three men at the same time, and none of them know each other. Each man treats her well but as soon as one man leaves for work or something, she has the next man come over. And another thing is that she ensures that she does no service other than sex for the main bf. So far as to make sure that she cooked something for herself and ate it right before her bf came over. She has her man literally starving whenever he comes over or he brings food for her himself.

    There was another girl, who was dating a rich chinese dude. Whenever he invited her to dinner or something, she would bring her real man claiming that he was just a friend or she would have him buy gifts for her, which she either kept for herself or gave to her real man. Eventually the chinese guy figured it out and he left but still, the audacity of the girl to cheat RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM is crazy.

    The men here are no better either but I noticed that it is actually a cycle. Either a man or woman gets cheated on, and then they proceed to become a cheater in their next relationship and then whoever they cheated on becomes the next cheater and the cycle continues.

    The amount of bad people is so overwhelmingly large, I cannot simply ignore the possibility of coming across them. I have come across too many women who wear revealing outfits to attract men’s attention and sleep with a bunch of them without the slightest respect for their own body, women with body counts in the double digits and I have come across too many women who thinks men should pay for everything and therefore take advantage of the men to pay their bills and etc.

    I have also come across too many men who prefers to “enjoy their youth” sleeping around with multiple women EVEN WHEN their ideal woman is right in front of them. I have come across too many men who prefers “friends with benefits” instead of having a real relationship. There was even a guy who slept with SEVENTEEN women within his very first week in college just cause the women wanted to sleep with him.

    What you have described is a very promiscuous culture, and so I looked up prostitution in the Caribbeans. And to my dismay, I have learned that the Caribbeans are amongst the top destinations for sex tourism, and that a lot of older men go there to have fun with young girls (and young boys), who are often only in their teenage years.

    It seems that poverty there is widespread, and so prostitution became normalized, as a way to earn money. Which is how B’s aunt views prostitution – as a source of income – and perhaps even B was socialized into that mindset.

    I’ve also learned about sex traffickers (some of them of Asian origin), who are organizing illegal immigration from Venezuela to Trinidad and Tobago. They promise young girls from Venezuela a job in a bar or a hair salon. But once they reach Trinidad and Tobago, their passports are taken and they are kept against their will, and used for prostitution. It is all enabled by corrupt police officers, so there is no way for it to be sanctioned.

    After learning all that, I understood that prostitution is widespread in the Caribbeans, and it is a way for poor women to earn income. And that’s why you probably saw examples of women sleeping with multiple men, or having one “main” boyfriend, and other men on the side. Probably those other men are paying for sex. I know that in Thailand for example, married women are prostituting themselves (typically with tourists), and their husbands know about it and tolerate it, because that’s the source of income.

    So it’s not that the women in the Caribbeans are promiscuous for fun. They are promiscuous because that’s the culture they are socialized into. Same as B was socialized into it, having her aunt as her role model and her “pimp”.

    The aunt upholds the belief that men should be used to get rich and ensure a good life. And even this selfish attitude (the attitude of a gold digger) could be the logical reaction to the sad truth that women are used by men for sex. So a “smart” woman (in her view) would then turn this into her own advantage and “outsmart” the man, and at least get herself out of poverty.

    I am not at all excusing this entire mindset, because it is toxic and humiliating. I am only trying to understand how come there are so many “wicked” and “immoral” women where you live.

    I am curious what are your thoughts on this? I’ve made these observations based on a few internet articles, so I am not claiming anything, since I don’t know the real conditions there. But anyway, let me know your thoughts?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    A large percentage of women ARE immoral, and you will most likely come across more immoral women in your life than moral women.

    The way you phrase it sounds like an undeniable truth. You truly believe that the majority of women (or at least the majority of women in “the modernized world”) are immoral. And then you tell me you are not a misogynist? Lol.

    Speaking of the “modernized world”, do you mean the entire Western society? Are there countries that don’t belong to the modernized world, where you believe women are more moral?

    Therefore, the 93% applies to the women that I HAVE MET, not every single women in the world.

    It is not just based on my experience though, it is based on my experience AND other people’s experiences, including people close to me as well as strangers online all over the world.

    Okay, so your conclusion that the large majority of women is immoral is based not only on your own experience, but also experience of the people close to you (e.g. your parents), and also on what other people are sharing on various online platforms all over the world. Does it mean you participate in such online groups, where men share their experiences of women?

    Don’t get me wrong, I meant bad in terms of relationship wise, not in terms of being a kind/good human being. All of them are good people, but they just have their own selfish agenda when it comes to relationships.

    What do you mean by that? You’re saying that a woman can be a good and kind person, but be selfish when it comes to her romantic relationship. In what sense is she selfish?

    “Doing whatever they want” is in terms of women who think they should be allowed to participate in activities such as partying or clubbing and spending time with other men when they are obviously in a relationship, and when their man expresses that he doesn’t want her to go to clubs and etc, she calls him a controlling freak

    Okay, this sounds like B. She would go partying with other men (e.g. the rich Spanish guy and his friend) and then felt “crucified” by you when you objected. She was definitely selfish, had no consideration for your feelings.

    It is also true however that you didn’t want to go to any of the parties with her (if I understood well?). For example, she wanted to go to a concert, but you didn’t. And so she went alone, with her girlfriends. You said she was an extroverted person, and you just wanted to stay home most of the time, right? (also because you had to learn for your exams)

    So I think we should make a distinction there between 2 scenarios: one is when the man is trying to restrict his girlfriend’s social life and all of her interactions with other men (which might be innocent, friendly interactions). And another is when the girlfriend is behaving inappropriately, flirting with other men, and then calling her boyfriend a control freak. I guess she was falsely accusing you of being a control freak, when she in fact was behaving inappropriately with other men.

    In terms of relationships, an example of an entitled feminist would be someone who would look at a man’s expectations in a woman and call him a “bigot” but when the woman have expectations for a man, she would be called a “woman with good standards”.

    What were your expectations on B, for which she called you a bigot?

    Another example of an entitled feminist would be a women who calls themselves strong and independent and etc but they hate when the guy they are dating splits the bill 50/50.

    I agree with that. If the woman expects from the man to always pay, that’s not fair. It’s nice when the guy is a cavalier and offers to pay, but it’s not something the woman should expect and resent if the guy doesn’t offer.

    And another example would be women who see men as controlling when all they are trying to do is protect them.

    You mentioned earlier that you felt like you have to protect B from a potential assault:

    I know that if I do not protect her, her stupid behind is going to get herself in trouble again and I do not wish to wake up tomorrow to learn that she was raped and murdered.

    So I guess you were afraid that her wearing revealing outfits will get her in trouble? And so you tried to control what she is wearing, so she would be safe (among other things)? But she saw it as you trying to control her, right?

    As you have described her, she is someone who likes wearing revealing outfits, and actually likes male attention (e.g. she responded to sexting, initiated by your class mate). Which means she is a type of girl completely different from what you are looking for in a woman, which is modesty and chastity. And your mistake was to try to “regulate” her instead of letting her go.

    The thing is that we should never try to change our partner, especially if that requires a major change in their character or behavior. We should accept them as they are. Or if we can’t tolerate their behavior, and they are not willing to change, we should let them go.

    I would also like to say that in some countries men believe that a provocatively dressed woman “asked for it”, if she gets sexually assaulted. And that’s very wrong, because regardless of how a woman is dressed, it shouldn’t be a reason to get sexually attacked or harassed.

    I very much disagree with the idea that women should dress modestly, so not to “entice” men. It’s the men’s responsibility to control their urges, not women’s. Because if we take this to an extreme, it can lead to forcing women to cover up head to toe, which is a severe oppression.

    So anyway, when you say you tried to “protect” her by dictating the type of clothes she was wearing, that’s not really the way to treat a woman. If you can’t accept her clothing style, you shouldn’t be with her. Simple as that. Everything else is a form of control.

    I respect real feminists but the entitled feminists simply take advantage of it for their own selfish benefit and they do things such as, work less than men and still expect to be paid the same as men and then blame the pay gap on gender inequality despite being fully aware that the pay gap was only caused by the difference in work quality.

    As far as I know, there are a lot of examples where women are paid less for exactly the same job as men. There was a survey in which they asked women and men about their job interviews, and it turned out that women typically accept the salary they are offered, whereas men tend to bargain with the employer to get a higher salary.

    I guess that too is one of the reasons why women tend to get less money for exactly the same job: they are not confident enough to ask for a higher salary. And the employer doesn’t care about what is fair – they only care about cost minimization.

    Entitled feminists think they can do everything a man can, cause they don’t recognize that females are better at certain things like emotional intelligence while men are better at other things. Entitled feminists would try to say that the best female soccer team in the world is equal to the best male soccer team.

    Who is even comparing male and female soccer teams (or any other sports)? Nobody is comparing physical strength of men and women, because that’s indisputable. But a woman might be a good manager, or a good prime minister, or hold any leading position. Of course, provided that she has the necessary skills and talents. Excluding the woman, or paying her less, just because she is a woman – that would be inequality.

    Why do you sound like you are just searching for a reason to call me a misogynist lol? You know exactly what I am trying to say but you will still make suggestions like perhaps you mean they shouldn’t be allowed to pursue a career they prefer?”. Like seriously?

    Well, you have some pretty strong views of women, and you did say you grew up in an old-fashioned family, so I thought I’d better check…

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    I have obviously acknowledged that good women exist. See how easily you twist my words and assume the wrong meaning?

    I am absolutely not twisting your words. I said that you see good women as an exception to the rule. And you confirmed it. You said that 93% of the women you met were bad (“based on the countless number of people that I have met, the ratio of bad women to good is like 93:100″).

    And that’s misogyny. Because you extrapolate your experience to a wider population and believe that indeed, the large majority of women is immoral. And btw, our personal experience is very subjective, which means that some of the women you met and didn’t like might have indeed been immoral. While some other (such as your school friend) might have been good, caring people, but you saw them as bad.

    You actually said an extraordinary thing:

    I have realized that even though she has done a lot of stupid things, she is still 100000x better than most of the other women that I have met.

    So B – who was lying to you, cheating on you, and even prostituted herself behind your back – appeared to you as 100 thousand times better than most other women you met. Well, if you believe that a woman of a pretty low morale is still much better than 93% of the women out there, it shows that your view of women is pretty distorted. And unfortunately, it shows that you despise women.

    Here is your definition of entitled feminist women:

    Women who think they are equal to men and capable of doing whatever they want

    In what sense equal to men? You mean these feminists seek to have an equal say in the marriage?

    When you say “doing whatever they want”, do you mean they shouldn’t be allowed to cheat on their husbands? Or perhaps you mean they shouldn’t be allowed to pursue a career they prefer?

    So what exactly are they doing, which shouldn’t be allowed?

     

    in reply to: My depressed girlfriend left me #432434
    Tee
    Participant

    * correction in the one but last sentence. It should be:

    You might say that you would like to talk it through if you had a bad day at work, and would like to share your feelings and impressions with her.

    in reply to: My depressed girlfriend left me #432433
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    honestly we haven’t really talked about long term goals or anything like that. Not a thought she has really entertained herself which I’m fine with in a way because I felt like it did put pressure on me as a partner with my exes whenever we spoke about the future. It also planted an expectation in my head.

    I hear you. You don’t want to put the stress on her, making it seem like you’re expecting her to get married to you. And also, you don’t want to start thinking that she is “the one”, and that you’ll spend the rest of your life with her. You did all that with your ex, and it didn’t end well. So you’re taking it slowly, which is a good thing.

    Just a simple “yeah that’s fair” as a reply.

    To what did she say “yeah that’s fair”? To the fact that you are upset by a bad review?

    I expected her to atleast ask, what happened at work? Or why is it stressing you out? But there wasn’t even a question about it. Just a simple “yeah that’s fair” as a reply. So I guess it does feel like I can’t communicate why I’m upset about things and that just makes me more upset.

    Yes, it does seem she isn’t too interested in knowing more about your feelings, or in empathizing with you. It does seem she is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy.

    She doesn’t seem to want to open up about anything or ask what’s going on with me when I make it obvious something is up.

    That’s pretty tough. So you do tell her you’re upset about something: you’re not only showing it by a change in your mood, but you actually tell her that you’re upset about something, right? And she isn’t interested in hearing more about it? And she also doesn’t share anything that might bother her, right?

    So it can confuse me a bit and make me overthink.  Maybe this is something I should mention?

    Yes, that’s certainly not a healthy relationship if one partner is emotionally closed down and doesn’t even want to talk about their emotions, nor is interested in yours. It may be that she is not in touch with her feelings, or is afraid that she wouldn’t be able to support you and empathize with you.

    Maybe she had a needy parent who was constantly complaining, and so now she is projecting that parent into you, believing that you are similar. Or she was judged and attacked whenever she would show vulnerability, and so she’s learned not to open up about her feelings. There could be multiple reasons for her behavior.

    But whatever it is, her behavior isn’t really something you should accept and live with, because it prevents you from having a deep, fulfilling relationship, in which you can truly “see” each other. You can’t be authentic if she denies talking about her true feelings, or isn’t interested in yours.

    So yes, you might want to bring it up with her. You might say that you would like to talk it through if you had a bad day at work, and would like her to share your feelings and impressions with her. But that she seems uninterested, which makes you feel rejected.

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dafne,

    I am doing alright, although some health anxiety is lurking again. But I have tools to deal with it now, so it’s manageable…

    But to be honest with you what really helped me was when you told me to take care of my emotional needs by myself. And that it is not too late to be loved and to not feel helpless anymore. It never occurred to me before that I can still do that now as an adult.

    I am glad this is what helped you. Yes, luckily it’s not too late and we, as adults, can actually help ourselves and meet those childhood needs. Which is really empowering and gives us hope!

    Anyways, I decided to see how the session goes with the counselor. It was not easy for me to do it but I gave it a shot.

    People were welcoming but unfortunately it was too judgmental and did not give me any tips on how to move on and heal faster.

    Glad you tried it out, but I agree with you – this counselor was not helpful at all!

    For example, they told me that it was my fault that I stayed with my abusive family. I should report them to social services when I was a child and I wasn’t smart enough to do that. Really? Could I change anything back then?

    Oh my! The counselor is blaming you as a child for not reporting your parents to social services. This is so wrong! How can a helpless child advocate for themselves when they might not be even aware that what they are experiencing is abuse. Also, children tend to cling to even the most abusive parents, because their survival literally depends on them, and they have nowhere else to go. So blaming you as the child for not doing anything to help yourself is utterly wrong and unprofessional.

    Also they told me that I ‘lost’ the man that I’ve met in the church because I was not proactive and waited too long. When he replied thank you to the video I should have contacted him again in a few days and say that I want to see him again.

    If he were interested, he would have kept the conversation going. You made the move, you sent him the video. He politely thanked you, but that’s all. After that he stopped communicating. There was nothing more you could have done to spark his interest, because he would have shown it to you, had he been interested.

    And that I should never ever tell him that my fiancée passed away as men are afraid of that. Is that true?

    No, absolutely not. That’s a painful fact from your past, but why would he be afraid of that? As if it was your fault that your fiancee passed away?? This counselor really doesn’t have a clue. What are their credentials btw? Where have you found them?

    I’ve got job offers abroad but every time had to refuse them as I felt guilty. I was really trying to apply some changes and even told them that I am planning to move out and will travel for my work. They say that if I go, I won’t find them here when I come back or that they will finish with their lives and I will end up by myself! My mom has a dog and told me that if I will leave her, she will give him away to strangers or even worst. She knows I love that dog and it feels like an manipulation with my feelings.

    I am so sorry, Dafne, that your mother is treating you like this. You are seeing it right: what your mother is doing is emotional blackmail. She is threatening to kill herself, or to kill or harm her dog, which is the lowest kind of blackmail. No wonder you feel guilty if you leave – because she is guilt tripping you, making you guilty if you don’t comply with her wishes.

    The first thing you’d need to do is to realize that you have the right to meet your own needs, to do things that are beneficial to you and your happiness. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for your mother or anybody else. It is one thing to help your loved ones, but it’s an entirely different thing to sacrifice your life for someone who only thinks of themselves and doesn’t care one bit about you.

    It seems your mother is similar to your father in that aspect: telling you that you are selfish if you want to be happy and thrive in life. If you think of yourself too, not only of her and her needs. Doing something for yourself is selfishness in her eyes. Whereas it is her who is actually selfish. Because she only cares about herself, not you.

    She also drinks and her mood is horrible after that. She got bitter with age and that’s her way of dealing with problems and the regrets. Everytime she talks about the past, my mistakes with other man, shouts, compares me to my father etc. If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned, she says that I have my father’s character

    There is a saying: “The best defense is a good offense.” When you try to make her accountable for her drinking, she doesn’t take responsibility for it, but instead blames you, telling you that you are like your father. She also blames you for your past mistakes. That’s a way to deflect attention from herself and talk about you and your deficiencies.

    She is refusing to take responsibility for her own deficiencies, for her own bad behavior, and instead focuses on you and your weaknesses. And if you mention hers, she is quick to accuse you of being selfish and mean, like you father.

    What she is doing is emotional abuse: emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, false accusations and portraying herself the victim while falsely portraying you as the villain.

    She always gives examples of daughters who’s parents were alcoholics and abusers and those women were strong, not like me, and found husbands & got married. Why those comparisons? I don’t understand that.

    This is another way how she accuses you: that you are not strong enough, because other women are supposedly stronger, even if they had abusive parents. So again, she is not taking responsibility for her own abusive behavior, but accuses you of not being strong enough to endure the abuse. It is called victim blaming.

    It is similar to your father’s spiritual gaslighting: when he told you that your soul chose him to be your parent, which supposedly clears him from all responsibility. So again, victim blaming.

    I see a similarity between your mother and your father: they are both abusive, but deny all responsibility, and actually blame you for all sort of things: from being selfish if you want anything for yourself, to being weak for not enduring their abuse better.

    So both of your parents actually blame you for their own parenting mistakes, as well as for their present-day abusive, selfish behavior. Pretty astonishing!

    Everytime her hurtful remarks make me sad and I need a few days to recover from that. How can I respond to her?

    No wonder those remarks hurt you, because she is blaming you, while the truth is that you are actually her victim. And also, you are a loving and caring person, and so when your mother tells you you are selfish, a part of you starts thinking that maybe you are indeed selfish. Specially since you have received the same treatment from both of your parents: accusing their own child for having normal child’s needs, and now, for having normal adult needs!

    So unfortunately, what you have learned from your parents in your childhood (and it is continued to this day) is that having legitimate needs is selfish. That you don’t matter, but only they matter. This is the kind of programming that you are dealing with and that you would need to “reprogram”.

    With such parenting, it wouldn’t be surprising if one of your core false beliefs were “I don’t matter. I am not important”. Do you perhaps feel that way about yourself?

    How can I respond to her?

    I think similarly as to your father: to start setting boundaries. But first, to not believe her when she is guilt-tripping you and accusing you of being selfish. To know that you have the right to your needs, to your own life. That you are not a selfish person for wanting good things for yourself.

    And secondly, I would stop trying to make her see how destructive her behavior is, and how badly she has hurt you:

    If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned

    Unfortunately, she is the kind of person who denies any responsibility of her own. So trying to extract any kind of admission from her (that she’s hurt you, past or present) will likely result in her accusing you and hurting you even more. Similarly as you stopped expecting that kind of admission from your father, try not to expect it from your mother either. Because chances are she won’t give it to you.

    Instead, start planning your future. Look into options of working abroad or moving away. Try not to feel guilty. I know it’s easier said than done, but start with at least a mental understanding that you have the right to meet your needs and go after your happiness.

    You can start small, by affording yourself something (perhaps a gift for yourself, or a trip that you always wanted to make), to counter the false belief that you and your needs don’t matter. So maybe give yourself a gift, spoil yourself with a little something, because you definitely deserve it.

    And then you can start planning for bigger things: how to be caring towards your mother (and her cousin), and yet not sacrifice your life. How to find a balance between caring for your own needs and caring for other people’s needs.

    The truth is that you can be loving and caring towards others, but do it from the place of self-love, not the place of guilt and self-denial.

    I hope you can start walking on that path, Dafne. The path of self-love, self-care, self-compassion. This is not selfishness at all, but what we all need if we want to truly live and be happy.

    I know you can do it, Dafne. It’s fantastic that you are already trying to help yourself, and feeling a bit more empowered and hopeful about the future.

    I am rooting for you, Dafne! Please let me know how it is going. And if you feel stuck, I am here…

    Lots of love and a big hug <3

     

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