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Why do i attract drama confusion and conflict

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  • #369693
    Jem
    Participant

    I was single for some time in 2015 to 2017. I have tried dating in 2017 but it was not working, There was a guy that was my friend/ occasionally datung  that time and he had a girlfriend. But in mid 2018 we started dating serious as he left his girlfriend.

    He is a gentleman, he cares alot about me and he does everything for me, we are in a distance relationship, but he always make effort for our relationship. I love him alot. But i am not entirely satisfied with him. I am very academic, goal driven and very smart. I feel like he is not much goal driven and he does not really know what are his future plans, and not that well educated, i have encouraged him to try and study further, he first have to fix his high school grades, in order to enter into university. He tried last year and failed, and now he is trying again. He is now 34years, and i feel like he cud have done all this things long back as now is the time to build a proper life. He also have tried many many businesses and non of them worked. In this regard i always wonder if non of this things are really important in the relationship or only the love he gives me is important.

    My boyfriend has a friend that is doing very well and is just like me wen it comes to being smart, working hard, he always struggles with girlfriends, and secretly i have a crush on him, i hardly talk to him or socialise with him because i am afraid he will notice or my boyfriend will notice. And i always feel guilty and feeling like am cheating. I am always interested to hear about him when my boyfriend tells me something about him. I am always trying to get over this thing and only see him as a friend but its veru difficult, i dnt know what to do.

    The last on is that i am hang on to the ex that broke up with me 10 years back, i dnt know why because i was not even happy wen am with him, but when ever we are in the same place i seek his attension, we dont really talk but there is always tension between us, i always wish to talk to me, he blocked me 10 years back on social media platforms, I try by all means not to start drama when ever we are in the same place. I ask my self always why do i need his attension, why am i not over him

    Please assist

    #369701
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jem:

    You shared that in mid 2018, you started to seriously date your current boyfriend with whom you are “in a distance relationship”. You wrote about him that he cares a lot about you, does everything for you, and you love him a lot. But you are very academic and goal oriented, and he is not. He tried many businesses but they all failed. At this point, he is 34 and in order to enter university, he will first have to fix his high school grades. You wrote: “I always wonder if none of these things are really important in the relationship, or only the love he gives me is important”.

    Your boyfriend has a friend, who unlike your boyfriend, “is doing very well”; he is “smart, working hard”. You have a crush on his friend and feel guilty about it. You are also somewhat attached to an ex who broke up with you ten years ago, wishing to talk to him, even though you were not happy when you were with him.

    You wrote regarding this ex of ten years ago: “I ask myself always, why do I need his attention, why am I not over him”.

    My input today: you shared that you always wonder if these things (your current boyfriend not being goal oriented, or educated, or financially successful) “are really important in the relationship or only the love he gives me is important”-

    – depends on what you plan for your future with your current boyfriend: if you plan on having children with him, then the two of you together will need to be able and willing to provide what children need emotionally and financially. If you plan to not have children, then his lack of academic and financial success is less of a problem, and may not be a problem at all, depending on the lifestyle you want.

    A loving partner is very, very important in a relationship, therefore I understand that you consider it to be very important. Is it enough? Depending on your plans for your future.

    I wonder if you had plans and dreams for your future long ago, plans you gave up, or compromised, because life didn’t turn out to be easy or as wonderful as you hoped it would be. Would you like to share with me about your long-ago dreams for the future, when you were younger.. and what happened to those dreams? You can also share more about anything else that may be relevant to your conflict.

    * I will soon be away from the computer for hours, but will be back.

    anita

     

    #369704
    Jem
    Participant

    My hope abouy my future is to achieve goals iv set for myself, i want to live well, i grew up struggling, and i am afraid my kids will struggle if i dont work hard. I am not sure if its the reason why i am not fully satisfied with my current boyfriend. I dont if its the reason I am crushing on his friend. Am i weird to crush on him. Hence i feel like i am attracting drama in my life

    #369705
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jem:

    It is understandable that you don’t want your future kids to struggle the way you had, and I hope they don’t. It makes sense to me that you are not fully satisfied with your current boyfriend- you don’t want to continue to struggle and work too hard, and have your children struggle too.

    I don’t think that you are weird for crushing on his friend- this crushing suggests to me that a big part of you wants to end the relationship with your current boyfriend and get involved with a different man, a man who is goal oriented, educated and/ or who is materially successful- so that you and your kids will not have to struggle financially.

    “Why do I attract drama confusion and conflict”?- I think that what you are trying to attract is not drama, confusion and conflict, but a more compatible boyfriend, so that you can have a more compatible life, compatible with what you need, want and value.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.
    #369747
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Jem,

    Regarding your post, there are some questions that might be useful in getting you started.

    First, what made you desire a romantic relationship with your friend? From your point of view, your friend doesn’t really check off your list of criteria for a romantic partner. So your compatibility with each other, again from your perspective, isn’t very high, which will lead to a lot of dissatisfaction. Though I caution you to withhold your judgement of him waiting to enter university until now since he is leading his life as he see fit; something that he has to take responsibility for, not you. That leads to the question of: are you both on the same page when it comes to “building a life”? You mention now is the time for you to build a proper life, but does he see it that way too? Or does it seem that you’re waiting for your boyfriend to catch up with you? Do you wish that your boyfriend would change? But for whose sake is he changing? You chose to enter into this romantic relationship, but why did you? You might love him, but a relationship isn’t built on chemistry. It’s built on the foundations of your actions; like tending to a budding seedling, you have to water it everyday. What kind of efforts are the both of you putting into this relationship? But why exactly are you doing so?

    Regarding your obsession with your ex, the question is: what void are you trying to fill? You don’t like your ex, that’s a fact, but you are seeking something from him by not letting him go. In your mind, your ex hold this imaginary ‘thing’ that you desperately seek in order to fill a void inside of yourself. If you can only obtain that ‘thing’, then you will be alright somehow. So while you don’t attract conflict, you can choose conflict and you have chosen conflict in regards to your ex. You won’t let go of him, that’s your choice. But not letting go is you choosing your own misery. After all, he has done his best to ignore you, but you still try to hold on. Even when it’s been a decade, you are still holding on. What does this ex of yours represent that you can’t let go of him? What makes you so desperate? What is that void inside of you?

     

    #369749
    Jem
    Participant

    Dear GL

    My boyfriend is having most qualities that are ticking my boxes, he is working but i am worried that he is not developing himself to have a better future whiles i am trying by all means to develop myself. We do talk about what we want for the future, and he is now trying to develop himself, but like you say, for who does he make the development for, I honestly would not like him to do it for me, but as he say, he is doing for us.

    Its like if he was the way he is but have more ambition. He is a very humble, caring, loving, supportive and i always feel happy with him, until i think of him not have any ambitions.

    I am not sure what void i have to fill when it comes to my ex, I wish i knew how to let him go. I feel trapped to this. I always think maybe he s thinking about me, or he wants to talk to me. Its as if i am delutional about it. I really realy want to break through this. It is holding me back.

    #369935
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Jem,

    You contradict yourself. You convince yourself that you think that he should be in charge of his life, yet YOU yourself decided for him that he has little ambition to speak of, which you don’t like. But if what he is doing is enough for him, then why the need to worry? Why should there be more? When you decided to choose this relationship with your boyfriend, you’ve made a decision to choose the good things and a decision to choose the bad things. So now you have to make a decision. You have the good thing, but will you be okay living with what you deem as a “not so good thing”, i e the lack of ambition? If you can’t, that’s okay because compatibility is wanting similar things. But your boyfriend’s choices are not your responsibility to worry about unless he had asked you for your support. But even then, it’s out of your hands. He made a decision and he has to take responsibility for the consequences.

    Regarding your ex, it would benefit you to seek professional help. There are an arrays of counselors, life coaches and spiritual teachers who can work with you on the issue of letting go.

    Good luck.

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