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I’m Starting To Feel Like I’m Losing Myself

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  • #359274
    simone<3
    Participant

    i’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years.  The first year wasn’t great he would always accuse me of cheating or being sneaky that happened for about the first 9 or 10 months. I ended up getting pregnant in November of the first year. Through my pregnancy we argued A LOT and even after our daughter was born it was constant. Over the next year as time went on , I withdrew from him.  Each arguement , each disagreement, all the hurtful things that were said just built up.  We stopped being intimate as much … TMI ? Maybe ? we’d only be together that way only like once a month or sometimes not at all for months. I thought it was because i just had a baby, but the distance continued. And i was pushed further and further away.  He’s never cheated or anything ( that i know of ) , and neither have I. I feel like him accusing me pushed me away, but when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to get married and everything. And now the idea of it isn’t as exciting.  I love him to death and I don’t want to be with anybody else , so I don’t know why I feel like this.  I want to make it work because I do love him and now we have a child together.

    Our arguments now are at its worse.  We can have a disagreement, and not talk to each other for 2 days and we live in the same house.  Living this way is becoming unbearable , i just feel so miserable.  If I bring something to his attention that i don’t like … he dismisses me in a sense because he thinks i’m just trying to argue and i’m trying to get him to see my side…  But he wouldn’t understand or see or even admit it until i’m ready to kick him out. So it’s a continuous cycle.

    Before I met him and during the first year we got together , I was outgoing and passionate about everything I did in my life.  Now I just always feel sad and mostly angry.  I lost all of my friends being in a relationship and becoming a new mom so I only talk to some of my family and him .. that’s it.  He’s not controlling or anything , i just got so wrapped up in him that i don’t even recognize myself anymore.

    his upbringing : both parents , he wasn’t really restricted , went down the wrong path and changed when we met thankfully .

    my upbringing  : dad not present , mom bipolar alcoholic ( bipolar , depression , anxiety runs in my family ) , i was physically and emotionally abused by my mom for 6 years until she kicked me out and i met him.

    Both damaged and broken when we first met. But he got better and I essentially got worse mentally and when we argue he says “ you need to go get help” but not in a sincere way. But on good terms he’ll say he understands and sympathizes with me , other than that he’s starting to throw it in my face, and if i really need help I want him to be the one supporting me , you know ?

    I probably sound crazy, but i love him. I want it to work so badly, am I just wasting my time ? Like what about our daughter 😔 he’s a great dad and he’d do anything for me. it’s just so tough in those heated moments and it piles up because nothing is really ever resolved.  i’m open to any advice ! ❤️thank you

    #359297
    anita
    Participant

    Dear simon:

    “he’s a great dad”- not if he conducts heated arguments with you and she can see or hear those arguments. And not if he has any part in making his daughter’s mother “always feel sad and mostly angry”. If he was a great dad, he would do all that he can to promote the mental health of his daughter’s mother.

    What you described, the dynamics between you and your boyfriend/ father of your child can be corrected if the two of you are willing to learn how to communicate peacefully. Couple therapy where the therapist teaches the two  of you how to communicate effectively and practice it in the therapist’s office, with her or his guidance-that would be best. If that’s not possible, then because I attended couple therapy myself, I will be glad to teach you all that I learned in couple therapy.

    Would you like to describe to me one heated argument between you and him: the circumstances, who said what first, what he said, what you said, what he did, what you did, best you remember?

    anita

    #359478
    GL
    Participant

    Dear simone,

    You’re not crazy. You simply love your boyfriend, flaws and all. And that’s okay. You just love him.

    But no matter how much you love someone, you need to learn to look at them as realistically as possible because you, yourself, need to decide whether the actions of the other person is safe for you, mentally and physically. Yet that also begs the question of whether you yourself understands the foundation for a healthy relationship.

    Have you discussed with your friends what a healthy relationship would look like between people? Or what an unhealthy relationship look like? Have you discussed how to have open communications? What the different type of relationships look like, from dependence to independent to interdependent? What it means to trust and respect your partner as they trust and respect you? That relationships are work in process so all the parties involved must put in the work for a healthy relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together?

    Your relationship with your mother is one thing, but your relationship with your relatives, friends and romantic partner is another. But humans have the tendency to copy what they learnt from their parents and paste that onto to any relationships they create with others.

    So, what are the foundations of a relationship for you? What is healthy and not healthy? List them out if you can.

    #359515
    Tiffany
    Participant

    I’m very sorry to hear this. I agree with GL above – first ask yourself what does a healthy relationship look like to you? Then ask yourself are you getting these things from him, and also ask yourself why exactly is it that you love him so much? If it’s because of the time you’ve clocked, comfort, or fear – those are all the wrong reasons to stay when you’re feeling as miserable s you are on a daily basis. And thinking of your child – I grew up in a very volatile household with parents who fought all the time – it did not serve me well. I am SO much happier and so are they, now that they’ve divorced (10 years now). Best of luck <3

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