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Needy of constant emotional attention

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  • #367295
    Jen
    Participant

    Hey

    I had discovered this site 2 years ago when I was having trouble with my then partner. Long story short, I had gotten very good advice on staying away from him and I did that. Since then, I am on a journey of self-discovery and I feel I have become a better person. There is but one issue that I am having a little difficulty managing and I’m hoping if I could get some help on it.

    I am a very emotional person. I used to be actually. After the end of relation, I have improved a lot. I have developed a filter in my mind, a filter that is between my feelings and actions. If something hurts me because at the core I am still a very emotional person, instead of acting based on that immediately i.e. looking sad, expressing my hurt, not talking et all, I take a moment now and move it through my filter. Is the issue really that big or am I hurt because of my intense emotions? Did the person really intent to hurt me? are some of the questions I ask myself and then act accordingly. It has helped a lot and I am a much calmer, happier person with healthy relations. But while my actions I have managed to channel in a positive way, some of my feelings are still too sensitive for my own good. I want to get rid of them.

    My basic problematic feeling is, as much as I understand, that I am a very very loving person, very loving. I show a lot of care, concern to my loved ones, my parents and family being at the top currently. I love spending time with my mother, calling her frequently, visiting very often etc etc. Whenever I show love, my parents receive it very affectionately. And honestly, they give me a lot of love in return also, just not as much or in the way I give them, I think. For eg, if I am visiting my parents and my mom is going out with friends, I will call her once after a few hours and just ask her if she’s having fun and then just tell her that take your time, have fun and hang up. My mom generally doesn’t do that. So if I am out with friends even for a very long time, she won’t call me ever. Now 90% times, it doesn’t even cross my minds, but 10% times it makes me feel not too cared for. I feel very loved when my mom/dad/friends calls me daily but when I feel that I am the one calling more often, it bugs somewhere. Why do i need so much love?  And I want to get rid of that 10% part also. I am too needy I think, now with all my improvement, I no longer show it on the outside, but I still do feel it on the inside. Another eg, if I have a disagreement with  my mom/dad/anyone close, it throws my entire day in the gutter, till it is solved. I see others, they do feel bad for a while but still go about their day, I am not able to do that. I want to be a little emotionally detached. I have a friend who is like that. She is always happy. She has troubles, she has fights but I don’t know, she just shirks it all away. She is the kind who will make others angry but be happy within, I am the kind where I’ll stay feeling unloved myself. I don’t know why this is. I want to be the kind who loves her people but is also perfectly okay to be on her own. Now I am much better, earlier I wanted my loved ones around me all the time, now I am better, I can spend alone time and be happy but still I’m teaching myself this, it’s not natural.

    How do i become emotionally less-attached? I am so emotionally needy I feel that even if people love me 100%, the moment it is even a bit less obvious, I start feeling unloved. This makes me feel weak. With friends, I have cured myself to a large extent. I have dropped all friendship expectations and just have fun so in that dept I am happy. but why not with my closest ones? Needing relations makes me feel weak. Why can I not be one of those who are prerfectly content in their own company only. Are they not happier? This constant fear of being left alone, not being liked. I think I was not like this before my bf or maybe I was. I was needy with him and didn’t know it and let it ruin my relation 50%, now I am aware that I am needy and channel it and practice self-control so i have good relations, but internal feeling is there only. How do I stop feeling this way? I see people who don’t even have half the amount of love I have in my life and still they seem so content. I feel content on the outside, but why not inside?

    #367306
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    Welcome back. First I will tell a bit and quote from your previous thread, then I will attend to your current thread.

    November 2017: you were at the time in the ending phase of a 6-years long distance relationship with a man you “met maybe only 3-4 times”- interesting how you didn’t remember how many times (3 or 4) you met a man who meant so much to you. Later you wrote, that you met him in real life “maybe once a year or twice”- that would be having met him irl 6-12 times. Still interesting how you didn’t remember (?) how many times you met him, in real life.

    You wrote at the time: “it is also true that many times when we’ve planned meeting, it hasn’t worked out from my side due to various work/ family reasons”- it is almost as if.. you didn’t want to meet him in real life, as if that would have been too intense/ anxiety provoking for you and you preferred to keep it long distance.

    You wrote about him at the time, Nov 2017: “when we were together and he didn’t love me enough, I also always had the feeling that if I really go away from his life, like disappear, he won’t wait or look out for me for long… always scared of taking my time to process my hurt in case I lose him by that time. That is the reason I even today keep checking my phone to see if he’s still there for me or not, or sometimes even reply to his texts to keep my presence in his life, I have this fear that if I go radio silent, he might just forget and move on. He always gave me that vibe that he loves me because I’m there, the day I leave and disappear, he’ll be over me”.

    In January 2018, you wrote: “I’ve always been overly attached to my parents and even am today and have the constant fear of losing them.. I’m so excessively close to them to the level of constantly worrying if they’re okay whenever I’m or they are away”.

    Two years and 8 months later, today, you wrote that two years ago you got good advice here “on staying away from him and I did that”, referring to the man. I still think that you stayed away from him (and from any possible irl relationship) all along, all 6 years and beyond.

    Nonetheless, I continue- you wrote: “at the core I am still a very emotional person… I am a very very loving person, very loving. I show a lot of care, concern to my loved ones, my parents and family.. I love spending time with my mother, calling her frequently, visiting very often etc. etc… my parents.. give me a lot of love in return also, just not as much or in the way I give them.. if I am visiting my parents and my mom is going out with friends, I will call her once after a few hours and just ask if she’s having fun.. My mom generally doesn’t do that. So if I am out with friends even for a very long time, she won’t call me ever… Why do I need so much love? .. I am too needy.. if I have a disagreement with my mom/ dad/ anyone close, it throws my entire day in the gutter, till it is solved… I want to be a little emotionally detached.. I want to be the kind who loves her people but is also perfectly okay to be on her own… even if people love me 100%, the  moment it is even a bit less obvious, I start feeling unloved… Needing relations makes me feel weak… This constant fear of being left alone, not being liked.. How do I stop feeling this way?”.

    And now, my input: I like how you filter your feelings, pausing between feelings and actions and asking yourself questions (ex.: “Is the issue really that big or am I hurt because of my intense emotions? Did the person really intend to hurt me?”), then choosing your actions- well done, I say!

    After re-reading and typing the quotes from both of your threads, it seems clear to me that as a child you were not attended to much, that you felt and were alone a lot of the time, alone with your feelings of hurt and fear, sadness. Just like your mother (or father) currently does not call you when you are out for hours, not checking on you, I imagine this is how she behaved when you were a child, not checking on you. Maybe she was at home with you but she was busy with something else, or someone else.

    The title of your current thread is “needy of constant emotional attention”- I think that this excessive need for attention was born out of a reality of significantly inadequate attention paid to you as a child. I believe that you are “too needy” because your basic need for attention as a child  was not met, that  you are excessively loving (“very very loving person, very loving”) because you experienced, as a child, not enough love.

    If you want to reply to me, please do and we can continue to discuss the matter.

    anita

    #367307
    Jen
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank You for replying.  What you’re saying is what I initially thought so to. When i first became aware of my neediness and read on it, I read everywhere that these things have their roots in childhood and I kept thinking and just finding anything but Anita, it’s just not that.

    I honestly has the most normal childhood. I lived with both my parents, they literally revolved their life around me and my sister. Till date, mom dad don’t go on a vacation by themselves, they like having us with them. I am first born, had nice 10 years of life with them before my sister was born. When I compare my family life with every single person I know in life, it seems so good. My parents were always emotionally also present, whenever I still call mom, she leaves everything and talks to me, yes, there are things that I felt hurt about but why did I have to feel bad if there is one thing that my parents not do, eg call me when I’m away, when they do 100 other things. How can I expect someone to love me just the way I want, just when I want or else I’ll start feeling unloved. Why can’t I just let them be and be happy? None of my other friends’ parents called, most of them have a strict relation with their parents yet they have not turned out to be emotionally needy like me. It would be easiest for me to blame this on my childhood but Its just not true, I was a very loved child and I still am and I know it, but then why I start doubting it at the drop of a hat, I just don’t know. There are so many people who don’t have half as loving a relation as i have with my parents but they’re fine.
    What I feel is this Anita. My love needs/expectations are unreasonable. When I love someone, subconsciously I began expecting them to revolve their world around me because I revolve my world around them, I just don’t know any other way of being. When I try distancing, I am just not happy, I feel happy in the company of my loved ones, but I cannot expect them to just be the same loving self every time.
    I am just trapped for too long in this feeling Anita. I think it’s a character trait only, I don’t believe much in all this but my astrological birth chart has a lot of cancer elements in it which I think is about emotions and sensitivity. I think it’s just my character.
    How can I just be less emotionally needy and more emotionally independent, without feeling as if I am repressing myself. I have turned my actions in a positive direction in last 2 years, how do i now change the way I feel? I don’t like being so emotional and needy.

    #367308
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    “I think it’s a character trait only… my astrological birth chart.. just my character”- we are not born with a character. Our character is formed during the Formative Years of childhood. Our childhood interactions and experiences form us. We are not born with a character, I believe, or with an astrologically determined character or personality.

    We can look into the issue more in depth and it can take some time. You wrote that you were an only child for 10 years. Maybe your parents revolved around you (“they literally revolved their life around me”) for 10 years and when your sister came along, you received .. maybe half of their attention?

    (I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

     

    #367309
    Jen
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes that happened. The single-direction focus did get divided between me and my sister but Anita that is bound to happen, why should I feel bad about it. I agree sometimes I’ve told mom that you love my sister more but when I look at the bigger picture it is just not true. I pick up one incident when i felt mom showed her more love and start feeling less loved. There are a 100 incidents that I know when she has literally put my needs before her and why should I even compete with my sister. It’s my little sister. There are people I know whose parents don’t even talk to them properly, those whose parents actually show very vivid favouritism between siblings and they are still okay. Why am I so overly sensitive? What if my parents love got divided, why do i need that single-focus love.
    What I am scared of is this Anita, these are my parents, they take all my tantrums, they listen when i unreasonably demand more love but tomorrow when I’ll get married, I cannot expect my partner to give me that ‘revolving around you’ love. He will have his family, friends, everyone to love. If i start feeling unloved whenever he chooses to spend time with his friends or family instead of me, I’ll make life miserable for both him and me. I need a way to solve this and I just don’t know how.

    #367310
    Jen
    Participant

    My point is this Anita- If one is determined to find a flaw in someone’s love, one can find 100 flaws in even the perfect love. So if start ripping apart every action that my parents did, I will find one or two things that were not right in my opinion but I can’t cling to that and claim it to be the reason and justification for my emotional neediness. They have loved me more than what I saw all over in my surroundings, but every slip-up that they may have had, I am sensitive to that and this is my fault, I feel, not theirs. I am sure that if someone made me stand on a platform everyday where I have to constantly keep assuring her/him of my love and keep walking on eggshells out of fear of doing something that may make them feel unloved, even I will not be able to do it. So I think, for this thing, I can’t point fingers at my parents. I have had good parents and if people around me with actually dysfuncional families are able to be emotionally independent and happy, then why not me who has got her good share of parental love?

    #367311
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    I read just a bit of your recent posts and I  may  not have the time to attentively attend to your thread before tomorrow morning, which is in about 17 hours from now. It will help me understand if you

    1. Elaborate on what you mean by “they literally revolved their life around me and my sister” (and, is it that any one of your parents told you repeatedly? If so, what did she/ he tell you?)

    2. If your parents’ lives still literally revolve around you, how is it that none of them call to check on you when you are gone for hours?

    3. “There are a 100 incidents that I  now when she has literally put my needs  before her”- are these incidents she told you about/ reminded you of?  Can you list 10 such incidents, from the top of your head?

    4. When you feel loved by your parents, how does that feel?

    anita

    #367347
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    The story you present here is that your ongoing, subjective experience of life is that of severely not being loved, and that your parents did and still do love you a whole lot. Imagine the feeling of being loved=sugar. And the feeling of being unloved= salt. Imagine that your parents are the ingredients of a cake and you are the cake. Your parents put a whole lot of sugar into the cake, way more than any parents you know or heard of, and .. yet the cake turned out very salty.

    You then say: clearly, it is not my parents’ fault that there is no sugar in me, it must be that something in me turned all that sugar into salt. It must be a character defect or an unfortunate astrological sugar-turned-salt chart.

    I say: it is possible that what appeared to you as sugar was really salt, as the two ingredients are similar in appearance (although very different in taste).

    anita

    #367475
    GL
    Participant

    Hey Jen,

    It’s really great that you’ve identify some of your thinking patterns that aren’t really serving you so wanted to go over some things that seem concerning.

    To begin, it seems that your parents were really concerned for you in your childhood that they revolved the family life around your sister and you. Good and all, but it seems that they didn’t really let you face many difficult problems alone, or at least let you try to solve it for yourself first, or really gave you the space to self soothed your own emotional hurt. From the above, it seems that whenever you had a problem, they were ready to drop everything to help you solve it. So they had good intentions, but they also indirectly taught you that problems are meant to be solved externally, not internally, e g that loving validation come from the people around you. That didn’t help you create an independent stance that you CAN solve things on your own (that you can love yourself irregardless if other people love you) and help is a bonus feature from family and friends. Rather, your parents had let you depend on them which created a certain heavy dependency on them. There is also no healthy boundaries between you and your parents, e g your mom doesn’t stop you from calling her while she is out with friends, dropping her problems to help you with your problems.

    So you being needy is probably due to, in part, the fact that you are heavily depended on your parents’ affections and that they let you be. But at some point in your life, your subconscious probably understood that being depended on others’ affections to validate anything about you is chockful of uncertainties and it is terribly exhausting. Because such dependency means that you will always try to test their sincerity and affections and of course, it’ll back fire on you since you’ll doubt it even when they have shown up for you. Uncertainties tend to create panic which tend to lead people to try to control their situation in some way. So you’ll never feel secure in your attachment towards your parents because you need them to love you to prove something; of course, it’ll always be a limbo of “they love me, but…”

    You mentioned that your natal birth chart is full of cancer? Is your moon in cancer then? Because that would explain why you feel the need to be connected to your mother in some way. But it also means that you have a hard time drawing boundaries between you and your loved ones; especially if you were never shown/taught that boundaries mean honoring yourself and those you care for. Cancers are empathetic by nature, but right now, you are centering your relationships to be all about “you”. Why don’t they response the way I want, why can’t I can be less invested in a relationship like others (comparison won’t get you far, as you’ve no doubt noticed), why isn’t it working out the way I want it to, why me?

    But why not you? After all, you are telling yourself that it’s not enough that your parents don’t call you as nearly as you call them. You tell yourself that others don’t invest in YOUR relationships as much as you do. You tell yourself that you invest too much while others don’t and yet still get results. You tell yourself that others are happy so why can’t you be happy? You already have a story of how you’re not happy, so why not you?

    Now, I don’t claim to understand your current mental health, but I do believe that thoughts play a critical role in how people deal with life. So look at the thoughts you are playing through your head. What stories are you telling yourself and how are you projecting that outward and into your life?

    You have the ability to love deeply and that’s beautiful. But when it becomes an exercise of “who really loves me”, then it becomes a problem. So you have things you should start looking into. From your anxious attachment/insecurity of your relationships to forming healthy boundaries to honoring your deep emotions, but not making them the center of your daily life to your relationship with yourself. There are life coaches, counselor, spiritual teachers and retreats that will help. However you’ve chosen how to heal will be up to you.

    Good luck.

    #367512
    Jen
    Participant

    Dear Anita and GL,

    Thanks so much for you inputs.

    //To begin, it seems that your parents were really concerned for you in your childhood that they revolved the family life around your sister and you. Good and all, but it seems that they didn’t really let you face many difficult problems alone, or at least let you try to solve it for yourself first, or really gave you the space to self soothed your own emotional hurt. From the above, it seems that whenever you had a problem, they were ready to drop everything to help you solve it. So they had good intentions, but they also indirectly taught you that problems are meant to be solved externally, not internally, e g that loving validation come from the people around you. That didn’t help you create an independent stance that you CAN solve things on your own (that you can love yourself irregardless if other people love you) and help is a bonus feature from family and friends. Rather, your parents had let you depend on them which created a certain heavy dependency on them. There is also no healthy boundaries between you and your parents, e g your mom doesn’t stop you from calling her while she is out with friends, dropping her problems to help you with your problems.

    So you being needy is probably due to, in part, the fact that you are heavily depended on your parents’ affections and that they let you be. But at some point in your life, your subconscious probably understood that being depended on others’ affections to validate anything about you is chockful of uncertainties and it is terribly exhausting. Because such dependency means that you will always try to test their sincerity and affections and of course, it’ll back fire on you since you’ll doubt it even when they have shown up for you. Uncertainties tend to create panic which tend to lead people to try to control their situation in some way. So you’ll never feel secure in your attachment towards your parents because you need them to love you to prove something; of course, it’ll always be a limbo of “they love me, but…”//

    – THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. It feels like you’ve put into words my exact thoughts that I just couldn’t put together. With a lot of thinking, the only conclusion I always came to was that mom dad have loved me so much since childhood that I never learnt to be emotionally independent. Also, I remember, once when I was hurt about something mom did/didn’t do that made me feel unloved(I don’t remember what it was) and I expressed to her how I felt bad, she actually felt really guilty and told me that it seems like she’s still proving her love to me after so many years and that she’s not enough and that is actually true. Thank you so much for putting in perspective what was like jumbled thoughts in my head.

    I really want to get out of this thinking because I’m no longer a teenager who can afford to surround herself with her family who will put up with my unreasonable expectations of love. I worry that tomorrow I’ll have a family of my own, I’ll have a partner and if I don’t learn to love with space and boundaries, I’ll make both him and me miserable, I don’t want to do that. Can you help me with how can I develop emotional independence?

    I do say positive things to myself, when something happens that traditionally makes me feel bad, I tell myself that there’s nothing to feel bad about, like I said, I try and filter my thoughts. I tell myself that I am loved. But why do those thoughts exist in the first place? How do I reach a place where I don’t have to keep checking myself, keep restraining my thoughts, where I don’t need that much external validation and love?

    Any advice will be welcome, Anita and GL. Again Thank you, for the advice so far.

    #367513
    Jen
    Participant

    And yes, my moon is in cancer, I didn’t see your question earlier. I don’t like things like this, I can see my emotions come in the way of the life I want. I have grown so much in the last two years, its not that I am pessimistic but I am really stuck at this part. I want to be the kind of person who loves all her close-ones but loves herself first, who doesn’t fear them leaving, who doesn’t mind if they leave if that’s what they want for she always has her own back, who is happy by herself.  I want to be emotionally more independent. Please help me achieve that.

    #367526
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jen:

    “mom dad have loved me so much since childhood that I  never learnt to be emotionally independent.. I tell myself that that I am loved. But.. How do I reach a place where I don’t have to keep checking myself, keep restraining my thoughts, where I don’t need that much external validation and love?.. I want to be the kind of person who loves all her close-ones but loves herself first, who doesn’t fear them leaving… who is happy by herself. I want to be emotionally more independent.

    – There is no such thing as too much love, so much that it weakens the loved-one: making her emotionally dependent, afraid to be alone, afraid to be left alone, unhappy to be by herself, keep checking herself, restraining her thoughts, telling herself that she is loved but not feeling/ believing it to be true.

    True love strengthens the loved-one, making her as emotionally independent as is possible for a human, not much afraid of being alone, of being left alone. A loved person does not keep checking herself, restraining her thoughts. A loved one feels loved.

    What causes these things (emotional dependent etc.) is not love, or too much love; the cause is either too little love and/ or too much conditional love. Conditional love is not the same as love- it is like a business deal: I’ll give you all this “love” and in return you must do this or that for me.

    “I remember, once when I was hurt about something mom did/ didn’t do hat made me feel unloved.. and I expressed to her how I felt bad, she actually felt really guilty and told me that it seems like she’s still proving her love to me after so many years and that she’s not enough and that is actually true”-

    – the way I see it, is that what you need from her is more love, or true love. She may not understand that words and acts of service (such as cleaning and cooking for you, buying for you, doing for you) are not enough for a child to feel loved. She feels guilty- maybe because she understands on some level, that a loved child does not keep chasing her mother for love. It is the unloved child that keeps chasing her mother for love, past childhood and into adulthood.

    “I want to be the kind of person who loves all her close-ones but loves herself first, who doesn’t fear them leaving.. who is happy by herself. I want to  be emotionally more independent. Please help me achieve that

    .. I want to be the kind of person who loves all her close-ones but loves herself first, who doesn’t fear them leaving… who is happy by herself. I want to be emotionally more independent. Please help me achieve that”-

    – for you to be helped, it will take you becoming aware of the faults of the love that you experienced throughout your childhood, aware that it was not too much love, but too little.

    This kind of awareness is painful to experience, so I understand that you are not inclined to consider such a thing. And yet, I don’t see a way for you to move forward without such consideration.

    Notice, I am not suggesting that your parents did not feel love for you on multiple occasions, or that they did not tell you things and do lots of things for you. I am not suggesting that other parents are perfect, or that any parent can be perfect. What I am suggesting to you is that as far as love goes, the proof is in the pudding. If you consistently haven’t felt loved, then you were not loved enough.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
    #367540
    Tanya
    Participant

    Hi I wanted to share some thoughts I had.  Have you ever noticed that how we feel about other people can shift depending on how we feel inside?  I practice filling my time with things I love or find beautiful and focussing on what I love about others.  Maybe this will help.  Thank you.

    #367557
    Jen
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Tanya,

    Thank you for your inputs.

    Anita, it makes sense. My mother definitely has a more service-oriented way of loving as compared to me whose needs are more of verbal and physical love.
    Tanya, I’ve felt that too, that  is one thing that is helping me, positive thought, unlike earlier times when I’d feel so sad that I’d just say whatever hurt me every single time, now I try and reason out and think positively and am able to sort it out in my head. Thoughts are very powerful, yes.

    So in this very moment, I am going through a typical example of what this thread is all about and I would love to share here, to give an idea of what my problem is and to also get opinion.
    I’ve come to stay for a while with my parents in COVID. It’s been lovely. We play games and have fun and everything. I am also working from home. Now today, I woke up perfectly happy, no bitter feelings, nothing. I had panned morning exercise for my parents because they are getting older and I’m worried for my father’s weight issues. We woke up in the morning and I went to my parents room calling them for exercise. Both were like yeah, just 10 minutes, the gardener is here, just some garden work then exercise. I was like okay. They went about doing the gardening work while I waited. I called out to them a few times. Mom every time politely said just 5 minutes, just a little while. After waiting for around 30 minutes, I gave up and went for a shower and then had my breakfast. I was annoyed. Then as I sat in my room for my work from home, I could hear mom in the adjacent room, she was back in her room, she was speaking on the phone, then she was going around the house but not once did she come to my room to say that oh, we couldn’t do exercise today or just say let’s go now. It was as if she’d just forgotten it. I don’t know why I got more annoyed. What was the result? I couldn’t focus on my work and I’m here writing this down. So, my entire first half went down the drain because of my feelings over something mom/dad didn’t do. I’m telling myself it’s okay, mom is busy, she usually doesn’t do this, maybe she has forgotten, it’s not personal etc. etc but I’m still having to put energy in those thoughts, and now I’m too drained to be as fresh as I could have been for my work had this not happened. So this is a typical example of how things play out. And today it’s just my parents because they are the closest, when I had a bf, same problems existed there too.

    I am most annoyed with myself. I had a nice productive day planned out and I’ve just wasted a quarter of it because of something so stupid. I’m literally regretting even planning this exercise things but then I am thinking that the problem is not exercise, the problem is me being so affected by mom dad’s attitude. Why am I so touchy? Why couldn’t I be okay with them not willing to do it and go about my day as I had planned. Why did this little issue overpower my day. This is what always happens. something miniscule will trigger me and there goes my productive day, and who is the only person affected? Me. Why? because I am annoyed. Why am I annoyed? because my parents didn’t respond to something that I was doing for them only. What a terrible reason to have a spoilt day it is. I really want to get out of it.

    I am happy I have worked on myself a lot and it’s showing, Had this been a year ago, by this time I would have said what I’m annoyed about, would gave created an argument or even if I stayed quiet my facial expressions would have given it away. but today none of that. I havent said one complaning word and I am calm on the outside. It’s only the internal part that is now left but its so hard.
    Please help. Whatever it was that caused me to be this way, I can’t keep looking back and blaming it. I want to get out of it irrespective of why I am this way. Sometimes all this makes me feel chuck it, I won’t do anything for anyone but then I feel what’s the point of life and relationships then, I feel happy when I am doing something for my loved ones and I try now doing it without expectations but once in a while something small just hurts and then all the previous times when I’d let the expectation go come flying back to me and I feel I shouldn’t do anything for anyone or love anyone this much.

    Please help me-

    1. Learn to be actually, really, emotionally happy by myself. Currently, I force myself to find happiness by myself, if I had it my way, I would spend every second with a loved one, my alone time is not a choice. Help me feel emotionally fulfilled alone such that relations are only a bonus and not the core of my life. I don’t want to live life like this where I feel I’m constantly controlling my emotional needs to be with a person, I want to make myself and myself alone my only emotional need so that its natural not forced. I am willing to take in all help.
    2. Learn to not let emotions linger and to not let little things like today’s example get to me. I know life cannot be jolly all the time. there will be irritants, there will be things here and there but I want to inculcate resilience so that I feel bad for a few minutes, reason it out in my head and then it’s done, I go about my day or at least I can keep my emotions away from affecting my daily life productivity.

    If I’d I master these two things, my life will be good. I am ready to take any advice. Please help. I am doing positive thoughts but it helps me not let my emotions lead to emotional actions but now I need something to stop me from even needing that much emotional attention internally and from letting emotions affect my mind so much.

    Any help will be appreciated.

    #367558
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear Jen,

    after reading your last post I have some thoughts.  About the exercise example with your parents.

    Out of care for the health of your parents, you planned to exercise together in the morning. It seems like your parents agreed to do so, as your parents said that they would come to exercise in ten minutes, but they never came. Even after you called them a few times, they did not come. Then everyone, including you, acted as if nothing happened. Your mother did not address it, neither did you.

    Then you say you feel annoyed, and you start to feel annoyed by yourself.

    My thoughts: I would be annoyed too! At your parents, that is. Or at least I would wonder what happened. You planned to exercise and they agreed to it, but then they just ignored you and didn’t even explain what happened. If they did not want to exercise together with you, then why not just tell you? Or if they changed their mind in the morning, they could have told you as well. But to say yes and then act as if nothing had happened?

    Then, I also wonder why you are not asking them about what happened. If they only forgot that you wanted to exercise together, then you could clear things up and you would feel calmer, I guess.

    Otherwise, you could figure out together how to deal better with this type of situation in the future. I do not mean to make accusations or such things, but to find a solution together. What do you want? What do your parents want? And how can you find a compromise so that everyone involved is o.K. with it?

    You can tell them that it is completely o.K. if they do not want to exercise, but that they just could tell you honestly. That them ignoring you like that is upsetting to you.

    Also I am wondering why you think it is bad to say what you are annoyed about? You write as if you are not allowed to feel annoyed or upset at your parents?

    You wrote: “I am most annoyed with myself. I had a nice productive day planned out and I’ve just wasted a quarter of it because of something so stupid”

    In reality you are upset at your parents, but then you shift the blame to yourself. It least it seems like that to me. I wrote it, because it happens to me as well. For example, my best friend doesn’t answer me for days or weeks. Then I wonder, what happened and I start to question myself, if I did anything wrong, getting upset at myself, when in reality I am upset at her! I cannot tell for sure, if the same thing is happening to you, it is just a thought. I could be wrong!

    Final thoughts:

    Everyone has certain expectations in a relationship. Why should you give up yours? But the other people also have expectations and needs. So with the help of communication you could find out what each person wants and then find compromises and solutions.

    It reads to me like you want to spend time with your family. But maybe they also need some space sometimes, which is o.K. Is it possible to talk about this with your parents?

    Those are my thoughts, maybe I could be wrong. I am in no way an expert and have my own issues. But what helped me get a bit better is a good therapist. I wonder if this could be helpful to you too?

     

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