Menu

Lily

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 477 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #382924
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your reassurance! As we know I have a slight tendency to worry too much… But yes, The thoughts do come up from time to time. But there is probably no reason to worry.

    I am not entirely sure if I will get by completely without posting here ever again, but if this is the last time I post, I also want to say goodbye! Thank you for your kind words, it made me feel good to be reminded of my positive qualities. And thanks again for always listening and helping me and so many others. It is a good feeling to know that there is someone who will reply, even though the situation seems so messy and you fear that people will only judge you. But you listened and showed compassion! Yes, this was very important to me, to hear another perspective and honest opinion regarding my problems, instead of being ignored or talked about. Only other people, one of them you, looking at me with compassion helped me to start having more compassion with myself and understanding things better. You really put so much time and effort into your posts, often going through old threads again and again. You really care to help! You also are a good and honest person making the world better! Thank you for everything and if we don’t hear of each other again, I wish you well and a good and happy life!

    #382857
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    good to hear that you are fine! The global warming is indeed concerning, the bark beetles and dried out trees reminded me of that. Here it is a bit rainier this year than the years before. Hopefully the wildfires will be less this year! I remember you sharing about them last year.

    Posting here is not disadvantageous to me, it actually helped me to stabilize myself when I was in crisis mode during last winter. Back then I was feeling so terrible, like I was wrong and bad. Focusing on my goals instead of thinking of the past helped. And being able to talk to you also helped.

    But my initial goal of being this productive person did not come true. It only worked in the beginning, then I fell back into my old habits. And sometimes I worry that someone who knows me could read all of my threads and then they would probably think of me as crazy. Or having so much info about me on the web makes me also feel a bit uneasy. I am not sure.

    But I thank you for your well wishes and I hope you know that you helped me so much onmy path and on making progress!

    #382823
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    last weekend I returned from my travels, sorry I did not post before. Everything is fine with me, and how are you doing?

    It was nice at the sea. We had mixed weather, which I like best. On two days we just were bathing at the beach, but more pure beach days would have been too much! On other days we went biking, one day my brother and I biked together 26 km to go to a museum. Also, I collected wild rose petals for my tea, went walking at the beach and on one day we went to an island.

    At my parents place everything went good as well. I have collected more herbs for me tea and I even found wild mint! And in some places, where I suppose people had mowed the grass, smaller nettles grew, so I was able to make nettle bread. This time it turned out really well and soft. On another day we went hiking with my mother and on some rainy days I binge watched a TV show. Because of the rain the river was very full of water, so I did not dare to go to the stone in the river. But I am glad it rained, because during the draught of the last years, lots of trees died and the bark beetles did a lot of damage.

    So now I am back at the city. Everything is o.K. The fist work day went o.K. and I am back at working on my projects.

    At the moment I am not sure if I want to continue posting on the accountability thread every day. Often I worry about too much information being shared and also I still did not overcome the problems of procrastination. I want to think more about it. But I am very thankful for your help and support during all of these years!

    #381974
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    will you get up early in the morning for the walk then? I hope the walk was refreshing and enjoyable for you!

    Last night I was not sleeping that well again and in the morning I was in a bad mood. In the night I thought again about the guy from work and felt somewhat humiliated. Then I even hit myself…

    But at work it was calm today. There were some moments that were awkward and some things I could have handled better. But today I also talked to the person from Monday (the one with the digital documents) and they turned out to be nicer than I thought. And I thought, best to not judge quickly, best to have compassion and be sympathetic towards others.

    In the afternoon I packed my backpack, cleaned and got a corona test done. Then I wanted to quickly say goodbye to my roommate, but we ended up talking for 2 hours. It was nice.

    Tomorrow I will go take the train to the place by the sea. There I won’t have an internet connection, so I won’t be able to write to you. Maybe at my parents place I will.

    My goals for my travels are: spend lots of time in nature, bike, go bathe in the ocean. Also I took my paints and pencils, so hopefully I will also get t draw and paint a bit. Maybe a travel journal. When I’m at my parents place I would like to collect herbs to make tea and also go to the forest. Also, I will see if I can visit the stone in the river and spend some time there.

    So I hope you will have a good time until we read each other again in 1-2 weeks. Until then!

    #381944
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    yes, best to try overthinking on my behaviour. Sometimes it is hard to get out of the spiral though… ButI think I am getting better at it.

    You are right, it also doesn’t help to e too strict. Then I will only blocking myself. But I should spend a lot of a time on drawing and learning about art.

    Today however I was mostly preparing for travelling. Cleaning, doing laundry and bringing books to the library and such things. The good thing is that I am feeling less stressed now and more calm again. I think I will be able to sleep better now.

    It has also gotten colder here, compared to last week. I hope your walk was nice and refreshing!

    #381887
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    sorry, I have been feeling kind of grumpy lately. Today I am also feeling irritated… One client always starts small talk while waiting. He always stands close to the spot where I have to stand. And I politely replied to him in short answers. Today some other clients made fun of him for flirting with the workers… I am feeling annoyed and embarrassed! Thankfully I will not have to be there for two weeks after Friday!!!!!!

    But overall, I like being nice to people, but it always makes me feel insecure, asking myself if I was rude or too friendly or fake. I guess this overthinking is what makes it stressful.

    So I should work more on building the life that I want to live so I can soon move away and closer to nature. I long fo a place to call home and more connections to people and to nature.

    I need to work harder! Work everyday on my drawings and to finish my studies and to build a career…

    Thank you for always reading my posts.

    #381848
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    here it was a bit colder yesterday, but today it warmed up again. But not as badly as last week.

    My job has a lot of positive sides and I am grateful that I have a job during these times. My co-workers are really nice and I have learned a lot. Actually, I am proud of myself for not giving up when I was not good at all at my job at the beginning and people joked about me and talked… I did not give up and now I have improved more and have become more competent.

    What makes the job stressful is the constant multi-tasking. You have to do the administrative work, then the phone is ringing and people come in and ask questions. There is no real time for a break. Of course, my co-workers help a lot and we are a good team.

    But the questions asked makes me feel very insecure and incompetent on a frequent basis. Sometimes I know the right answer, but when somebody insists I might say yes to them. Sometimes it happens that I explain something on the phone, but the people won’t believe me. But when my co-worker tells them the exact same thing they accept it. Or often I ask my co-worker for reassurance, if this or that is right and then I also worry if I am getting on her nerves. Definitely, I want to reduce that!

    The job has helped me, it is a bit like a social competence training for me and I feel that I am getting better. But I would not want to do this forever. After a stressful day I sometimes can’t sleep and the next day I can still feel tired.

    My feeling is that I should focus my energy on my drawings. And that I should live a life more connected to nature. One day I would like to move away from the city.

    Of course, I am very priviliged to have a job, and to work part time and to pursue my dream of becoming an artist. Overall, I am content with my situation. Sometimes I just ask myself: is this the life humans are supposed to live? In front of a computer and in a city with little connection to nature? I hope I don’t sound too pretentious.

    I am o.K. But I also want to make some changes to my life.

    Today I have done most of my errands and have been drawing. But my head also felt a bit scattered. I will draw more now and tomorrow is another work day.

    Have a good day!

    #381825
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    your weekend sounds good. It is always so nice to see the ocean. Did you go for a swim?

    I hope that soon life will become more normal and that we will have enough good vaccines for all people around the world so that we can all be safe again!

    My day at work was a little stressful, but overall I did a good job I think. In the future however I would like to make a few changes. or example, sometimes when I talk someone or am not finished helping a client, somebody else starts talking to me. Next time, I would like to tell these people to wait a moment please.

    Today I also helped a client by sending them digital documents. I told them that I will send it and that they don’t have to wait. After they were gone I (almost) immediately sent it, it couldn’t have been more than five minutes or so. They came back to complain that it didn’t work and I looked at my computer, but everything was fine. I told them so, but they insisted I come with them to see that it didn’t work. Of course, everything was fine. Now I am thinking, next time, when I know that I have done everything correctly, I can also tell a client no and to wait or look again. Or I don’t know, of course I want to help people! But it stressed me a bit and I had also other tasks waiting…

    I am thinking that I do not want to do this job forever, even though there are also a lot of positive things. My co-workers are friendly and I like them and I feel accepted and sometimes even appreciated there. On the plus side of it being a lot of work, it never gets boring. Also, I learned a lot there and it has helped me to improve my social skills. Now I am feeling more confident and like I can do a decent job. And the pay is enough to cover my bills, even though it is only part time.

    But sometimes I also think that it is not completely fitting for me to have a job with lots of social interaction (but during the last days I felt a bit more competent and like I handled things o.K.) And I also don’t like to sit in an office all day.

    After work, I went for a long walk. My thoughts were not so positive sadly, thinking about work and also feeling upset because people like to mow everything down (this is a constant source of upset for me), even the grass next to the sidewalk or the stream. But oh well, I am feeling a bit better now after writing everything down. Sorry for the rant!

    During my walk I went to the lake and it was beautiful. Maybe I should take a swim there, but today everything has cooled down and it was raining. The cooler temperatures feel good and will help me to focus more.

    Tomorrow I have some small tasks on my list, but it would still be nice to go out into nature for a bit. And I wanted to finally start a new collage. And clean again.

    Hope your Monday is going well! Take care!

    #381780
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    yeah, I really don’t like ticks and have been bitten by them quite often in the past. That’s why I now usually wear long clothing when I go to the forest. I will think about how I could do this mini adventure without the danger of ticks…

    A walk in nature sounds nice. Here it is still warm, but it feels as if it is a bit cooler than before. Today there was also a short thunderstorm and rain in the morning.

    Today I was drawing, but not the most important things. Later I cleaned up my room and I already am feeling better. I should really do the 15 minute clean ups again or my room will become messy and I will feel stressed. A lot of time today was also spent cooking. First I baked a homemade pizza with vegetables, then I made a salad and baked sweet potatoes. So it was overall not a bad day, though I should focus more on my important projects.

    Tomorrow is also a workday again and it is the beginning of summer (midsummer). Maybe I will go for a walk or eat some strawberries.

    Hope your weekend is going well!

    #381698
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    today was another hot day! I feel like I did not get anything done, but at least I drew for a while.

    About mini adventures: maybe I can make a list of mini adventures to do. And if I will sleep in the garden, it will probably in a sleeping bag, as I don’t think my parents own a tent. The only thing I’m a bit worried about are ticks.

    Tomorrow I should work on my collage. Maybe I should journal in the morning to clear my head and get organized.

    Hope you are having a good weekend!

    #381667
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    there are still a few weeks left until your celebration, until the end of July. But it is not too far and I hope you will have a good time then at the movies!

    As for he weather, here it was hotter than at your place, over 30°C, yesterday even 35°C if the news were correct. But in my room it is 28°C and it has started to rain now.

    Yes, l wish I would have learned sooner that there is strength in being quiet. But at least now I am becoming more of who I am. For now the results are more internal, but I feel more capable now to bring them into the physical world.

    But yes, taking baby steps is the right way to go, like the underwater handstands 🙂 And I also started to go running. I should try to incorporate mini adventures into my life. Soon I will go to meet my mother, brother and aunt who will stay at the sea for one week and after that I will go to my parents home. Maybe I could for example try to spend a night sleeping outside at the garden or so. It is a bit scary, but not very dangerous really.

    When it comes to the artist meetups (and meetinng new people in geneal) it will require a very big step outside my comfort zone… In reality I don’t have much to lose and does it really matter if I embarrass myself? Maybe a few people that don’t know me will find me weird or judge me if it goes wrong. But then I would never see them again and nothing would have changed… But maybe I could find a friend, or learn something new. I still have to build myself up to do it – for now I am postponing it after the visit at my parents place, if I am honest. Maybe I should just do it, but I am feeling lots of inner resistance.

    Today at work it was a busy day and I was alone for most of the time. But I think I managed it well enough and I don’t feel like I made any grave mistakes. I tried my best to help the clients, even though sometimes with people coming in, the phone ringing and administrative work at the same time, it was stressful. But I handled it well and I feel satisfied with myself.

    Tomorrow I want to start another collage and maybe go outside for a bit.

    Have a good day!

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Lily.
    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Lily.
    #381609
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    is it also so hot today where you are? But it also loud when I have the windows opened, people are playing music and talking on the phone.

    Thank you, I hope to become stronger while staying true to myself. In the past I thought being loud and extroverted meant to be strong. But you can also be strong when you are more of a quiet person. The book about introverts by Susan Cain really helped me to see that.

    I am asking myself what kind of strong person I would like to be? I think I would like to be friendly and honest, at the same time I want to stand up for myself. Who I would like to be is a person who accepts herself completely, no longer being dependent on other people’s perception of me!

    When it comes to role models like Lara Croft, I would like to incorporate some of the curiosity for life and her fighter spirit, but I don’t want the violence that is shown in the games. One thing that appealed to me is also the sense of adventure: I would like to explore my environment, go kayaking, spend time in nature, learn more about the world.

    At the moment I am still very much in my comfort zone. It feels like I have been in hibernation mode for so long, since my 20s… It is time to step out of the comfort zone, but it is hard to make he first step. Especially when it comes to meeting new people. In my last therapy sessions I also talked to my therapist about this sort of things. She made some suggestions: I could volunteer work and ask to work less at my job, I could put out an advert for people interested in artist meetups…

    But these things feel very scary and I am still thinking about it. Maybe I should try one little thing, but something in me says: no, no it’s too much, you will embarrass yourself… Here is where I am not so strong yet. Maybe I should journal about it to come to a decision.

    At least I feel like I am getting a  bit better wih doing the the things I planned for myself. For example, I started to go running without a running mate and I am working on my projects. Even though it is still going slowly, I am finishing things step by step. Today I finished my collage, for example.

    In other news, today I got my first vaccine shot! Everything went well, though I was doubtful for some minutes, when the person at the reception went away with my papers from my workplace. But everything was fine and I got the vaccine. And I am feeling fine, except for my arm slightly hurting. So this is also good news!

    Good night, anita.

    #381545
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    it was a busy day at work, but overall o.K. Now I am feeling tired.

    Maybe I saw my ex today when I stepped out of the train, but not sure…

    Yesterday I watched the newer Tomb Raider movie. In my teenage years I wanted to be like these type of tough women like Lara Croft. I tried to be edgy and felt like being shy and friendly was somewhat uncool, I tried to be something I was not. Or I do not know, do I have a bit of these strong women in me? It made me think of the search for my identity and how I looked for role models in pop culture… I guess I was searching for orientation and desperately wanted to be strong and confident (sadly Lara Croft was very sexualized as well, at least in the older games and movies). I do not know what I wanted to say, but this type of strong woman still appeals to me, even though I do not know if this is me.

    Tomorrow I would like to finish my collage. Have a good day!

    #381511
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    yes, I will tell you. I am happy myself.

    Today I worked on my collage and in the morning I went for a run. Tomorrow I will go to work an I want to continue the collage afer work.

    #381468
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    it was o.K. at work and I also worked a bit on my collage. but I also talked a bit longer to my roommate today.

    It sounds great to be able to go again to the movie theater! I hope you will have an enjoyable time there! When thinking about it I almost get a sense of nostalgia for the old times… Spending an evening at the movies, popcorn, talking about the film afterwards.

    Maybe soon I will also be able to do more things because today I was able to get an appointment for my first dose of biontech. My boss and my co-workers helped me, refreshing the page again and again and then we found a free spot! I will be the last from the company to get vaccinated, but I will only believe it when it’s done. Maybe they will send me home and not accept me, but they accepted all my co-workers.

    It was so nice also how my co-workers helped out! I feel grateful!

    Good night, anita!

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Lily.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 477 total)