Forum Replies Created
October 7, 2020 at 5:45 am #367628
I just wanted to give you a quick update that I am doing o.K. But I have also decided that I should post less. I feel a bit uneasy about having shared so much information about myself online.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, when I was feeling very distressed. During the time of our communication I have learned more about myself and now I have more of a sense of who I am and what I need to work on. I am able to see clearer now and feel more confidence in myself. Overall I think I am a reasonable person (except when stressed) and I am learning how to help myself more and more. I am not there yet, but I am taking steps in the right direction!
Thank you for everything! Hope you are doing well and please take care!October 7, 2020 at 4:59 am #367627
what GL wrote reads quite sensible to me.
I too got the impression that your parents did not really want to exercise. I am sure you only meant well and wanted the best for them. But at the end of the day, they are grown ups and have to make decisions for themselves.
At the same time, I find it strange how the communication goes down. That your parents don’t express to you what they want, instead they chose to ignore you. And that you also don’t ask what happened. Everybody seems to just try to avoid the confrontation.
Could it be that they are people pleasers who can’t say no? Maybe they don’t want to hurt your feelings and so they say yes to you. At the same time, they disagree (for example don’t want to exercise) and instead of telling you no, they just don’t do what they promised. Of course, it feels horrible to get ignored (I have experienced it too) and I can understand that you are upset. And it is o.K. to feel annoyed.
My suggestion is still to have a more open communication, if it is possible. At least for me speaking out more and asking questions to understand the situation, has made me feel more empowered. Of course, people don’t always want to communicate or change their behaviour, but at least then you know where you stand and can act accordingly. And for me it feels satisfactory to at least have spoken my mind, even if nothing changes.
But you said that expressing your annoyance makes you feel weak. Your goal is to become more self sufficient and to let go. On one hand, I think it is a good idea to learn to self soothe and become more independent. Especially since you seem to struggle with this. It looks like a reasonable goal for you, as you seem to depend a lot on the attention of others. On the other hand, I don’t think it is a good idea to keep all of your feelings bottled up inside. It is also o.K. to call a friend to vent sometimes (as long as you don’t overdo it) or to tell someone that you did not find their behaviour o.K. I think it is good to have a healthy balance there.
One sentence that stood out to me: “The moment you express hurt, you’re the bad person so I’d better look after myself so that I never feel hurt” I don’t think you become a bad person for expressing hurt. And it is a bit unrealistic to never feel hurt. The question is more, how to deal with it. If someone really hurts you, then I think you have every right to tell them that their actions hurt you. And to feel upset, angry and hurt. But at the other hand, if you get upset over very small things, it is also good to learn to cope and look after yourself.
Your goals are to become more independent and develop a secure attachment style. Maybe it is a good idea to focus on yourself more instead of others and learn to love yourself. Learning to understand yourself better. Again, a therapist can be helpful (if it is a good one).
Things I find helpful for learning to love myself:
– Journaling. To just write down your thoughts unfiltered, everything that comes up in my mind. It is called “brain dump” or “free writing” I believe. By giving your thoughts so much room, you will be able to learn more about yourself. With time, you might also be able to see patterns. What comes up again and again? What do you want to change in your life? It helps me to structure my thoughts.
In a distressing situation, it can also help me to calm myself. I can let out all of my negative thoughts unfiltered and without upsetting anyone. After I have calmed down I can plan my next steps.
You could also do a self love journal, where you write down things that you love about yourself everyday. You can list the most simple things, like “I am thankful for my arm”, things that we sometimes take for granted, like a healthy body. Or you could write down things that you are proud of, little accomplishments.
– Hobbies. Do you have hobbies? You could try out some new hobbies, it is always fun. Maybe you can find out that time spent by yourself can actually be enjoyable. What did you like as a child? Or what did you always want to learn? Maybe you want to learn to play an instrument, or learn a new language. Do sports or create some artwork. It feels good to try out new things and when you get better and better, you could also draw confidence from that.
Those are some ideas and thoughts, I hope it helps a little bit! Take care!October 5, 2020 at 2:24 am #367558
after reading your last post I have some thoughts. About the exercise example with your parents.
Out of care for the health of your parents, you planned to exercise together in the morning. It seems like your parents agreed to do so, as your parents said that they would come to exercise in ten minutes, but they never came. Even after you called them a few times, they did not come. Then everyone, including you, acted as if nothing happened. Your mother did not address it, neither did you.
Then you say you feel annoyed, and you start to feel annoyed by yourself.
My thoughts: I would be annoyed too! At your parents, that is. Or at least I would wonder what happened. You planned to exercise and they agreed to it, but then they just ignored you and didn’t even explain what happened. If they did not want to exercise together with you, then why not just tell you? Or if they changed their mind in the morning, they could have told you as well. But to say yes and then act as if nothing had happened?
Then, I also wonder why you are not asking them about what happened. If they only forgot that you wanted to exercise together, then you could clear things up and you would feel calmer, I guess.
Otherwise, you could figure out together how to deal better with this type of situation in the future. I do not mean to make accusations or such things, but to find a solution together. What do you want? What do your parents want? And how can you find a compromise so that everyone involved is o.K. with it?
You can tell them that it is completely o.K. if they do not want to exercise, but that they just could tell you honestly. That them ignoring you like that is upsetting to you.
Also I am wondering why you think it is bad to say what you are annoyed about? You write as if you are not allowed to feel annoyed or upset at your parents?
You wrote: “I am most annoyed with myself. I had a nice productive day planned out and I’ve just wasted a quarter of it because of something so stupid”
In reality you are upset at your parents, but then you shift the blame to yourself. It least it seems like that to me. I wrote it, because it happens to me as well. For example, my best friend doesn’t answer me for days or weeks. Then I wonder, what happened and I start to question myself, if I did anything wrong, getting upset at myself, when in reality I am upset at her! I cannot tell for sure, if the same thing is happening to you, it is just a thought. I could be wrong!
Everyone has certain expectations in a relationship. Why should you give up yours? But the other people also have expectations and needs. So with the help of communication you could find out what each person wants and then find compromises and solutions.
It reads to me like you want to spend time with your family. But maybe they also need some space sometimes, which is o.K. Is it possible to talk about this with your parents?
Those are my thoughts, maybe I could be wrong. I am in no way an expert and have my own issues. But what helped me get a bit better is a good therapist. I wonder if this could be helpful to you too?September 11, 2020 at 12:46 pm #366566
I am sorry to hear that you are affected by the fires and can’t go for your walks! Climate change is very scary. Are you doing o.K. otherwise?
And yes, I will go to sleep soon. Have a good night too! And thank you for taking time to reply and read my stuff.September 11, 2020 at 12:32 pm #366563
I think that having met him and having ended it properly will help me in the future. But at the moment it stirred up something in me. But don’t worry, I will not contact him and I doubt he will now contact me again either. “My task is now complete” he wrote.
I should distract myself, work for uni, go out for nature walks. I have signed myself up for some sports classes too. In a few weeks, I will be doing better again. nothing tragic happened.September 11, 2020 at 12:00 pm #366553
thank you, I guess it is never too late! Who knows what will happen. At the moment, I should just focus on myself and trying to love myself first. And I need to stop thinking about K, what happened what he thinks of me. It does not matter anymore, does it?
Hopefully I did not sound too bitter above. But it will pass. I will be o.K.
September 11, 2020 at 11:42 am #366549
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Lily.
I think it is the right decision to have ended it and to not remain friends. I will not be trying again with him, because it would likely not work. And what if I then left him again, what kind of mess would that be?? Or maybe he would leave me. No, it is for the best to leave this in the past. I have checked his instagram account (definitely need to stop that) and he seems very happy now. He posted pictures with captions saying how good life is. So I do not have to worry about him.
During the meeting the communication was still not that good. I was still very shy. But when I wrote to him, I was able to express myself better. Usually I am able to express myself better in writing. Only when I feel very secure with someone, I will be able to speak calmly to them, and with him I did not feel that much at ease. We just never got to spend that much time together, get to know each other well.
I brought up some things that did not work that well in the past. Was that petty of me? I said “communication was not good”. To which he responded, that I never wanted it, having no smartphone. I said “yes, I did not want one”, but I did not say that I don’t think that this was the only reason for our bad communication. Even though I do think that.
He talked about being friends, that he is interested in having that human connection. But I said, what would we do as friends, we never really spent any time together? And he said that this was not true, we went out to eat together. I did not know what to respond. But to me, those were not real dates. We went out twice. One, when he was making a stop in my town before traveling elsewhere. He informed me only shortly before that he was coming. He wanted to eat and suggested to go to a place at the main station, but there was no room to seat there. So I suggested a different place. While we were eating the conversation was slow. I was always tense around him and did not know what to say. He was texting on his phone, even called someone. I thought to myself that I must be the most boring person in the world.
The second date we met at the evening after it was dark. We sat at a bank, talking. His cousin called him. Then we walked to the main station, where we picked up some food that we then ate at home.
To me, those were not really dates. Am I asking too much? Am I untgrateful? I do not need any fancy restaurants or gifts or anything, but I would have liked to spend some intentional time together. I know that he was busy, but we could at least have planned better, made some effort. It never felt like that, all felt so in between, like I just got crumbs… I wondered if he really was interested in me and I did not feel like it. On the other hand, I should have spoken up to him, talked about it. If I ever meet someone, I will do that. At least I have learned some things from this experience.
Anyways, I meant to say, two of the criticisms I brought up, just were dismissed. And I was also incapable of explaining myself. But those are signs that this would have never worked. In the conversations I felt like he was the leader and I the follower. like he had an idea how things should be. I did not get the impression that he was very interested in my thoughts or opinions. And that he did not reflect his own behaviour. It would not work for me and I would suffer, if I stayed with him.
And friendship would only confuse me, I think. So it is best as it is. Good that we could close that chapter together. He seems happy now and I am happy for him. Still I have a bit of a depressed feeling. But in time, I will be able to move on.
Who knows, maybe someday a relationship will be possible for me. Maybe when I’m 70 or so the time will come for me that I am ready, haha…September 8, 2020 at 11:52 am #366354
thank you for always taking time out of your day to read and reply.
I am already feeling better. I have spent a day with my best friend, she now has more time again! We cooked together and went for a long walk. It was nice to see her again. Today I also did o.K., painting, cooking some celeriac schnitzel with oven fried potatoes and I also did Yoga and went to a sports class and read a little. Tomorrow I will go to therapy which will be helpful.
If I follow your definition of not being behind in life, I think I have already made some progress there. I have managed to like myself more and follow my interests more. But many days happen where I still waste time online and not using my time very well. But o.K., for example today I did pretty o.K.!
About K: I think my head was a bit of in a haze after meeting him. I was looking at the potential of what the relationship could have been. But how was it really? It did not feel like a true relationship at all. I was not feeling well, there were not many beautiful memories of companionship and time spent together enjoying each others company and being there for each other. It was me, it was him, it was the circumstances, but at the end of the day it did not work out. It was more worrying myself into insanity than a loving relationship. I don’t think that I had too high expectations either… I just wanted to spend time together and share life. But we both were not very open with each other.
Anyways. I think that I could not have asked for a better ending and I can be relieved now. We talked and ended it properly. He even said to me that he has nothing to be angry about. We wished each other well. I never expected this to go this well, he even wrote more than one sentence in reply to my message that I can’t imagine staying friends with an ex. In the end, our communication improved. I think it is also because now I was better at expressing what I want. I said I wanted to meet only once and at a park or cafe, not at his home. And I stuck with it. Also, I was no longer afraid to be myself, to show myself more. I could be kind and still stand up for myself.
Just, that the better communication made me question for a moment if things would have worked out better, if I had been more myself from the start. If there was better communication and understanding for each other. But I guess it will be the most reasonable thing to move on. We have a good ending, better not ask for more! I am glad that this could be resolved, I should be able to move on now.
I think now I should become more open to meeting new people. Maybe not dating, but making some new friends or learning about people. People from all different walks interest me and I think I can learn from everyone. But I really have been hiding myself, for a longer time, because I did not feel good about myself. Now I am learning that I am o.K. and maybe I can become more courageous!September 6, 2020 at 4:08 am #366243
I have to make my life more meaningful! I want to have people in my life, that I can be there for, that I can spend time with. But I am also so very scared of getting closer with people. I want to get my life together, live a normal adult life. I feel so much behind in life….September 6, 2020 at 4:03 am #366242
thank you for your sympathy!
I am sorry that I misunderstood your words. Yesterday I was also really tired. Also I did not really respond to most of your post because of that.
You are right, in some situations there is only one solution. Of course, if someone gets abused they should leave.
But I think with K it was a situation with more options. For some people it would work best, to just send a message that they want no contact and then block them everywhere. But this does not work so well for me.
I could not let go of him, I was always thinking about him. When I thought of him I even thought that I love him, but I am not sure if this is true. I do not know very much about love and what it is like. I know that I wish the best for him.
The conversation with him was valuable to me, at least I have learnt some things. And I think that a lot was destroyed by my own fear and mistrust and by my horrible self hate. It was also a difficult situation, with living far apart.
I remembered now that he did bring up before that we could do videochats or such things. But the problems was always my lack of equipment. I really did not want a smartphone and underestimated how important it was for our communication. I did not get it. But I still think I am not the only one who made communication difficult.
If anything, this conversation revealed how lonely I feel. I need to do something to change that.September 5, 2020 at 12:41 pm #366213
I will never check up on him. If only for his sake, I will leave him alone. He is also the onw who did contact me, I would have not bothered him.
OI wrote will, because today I am just a little sad.
And I don’t know how he abused me? I don’t think he was using me for sex, if you mean that.September 5, 2020 at 10:29 am #366205
I have met him now and we actually were able to talk about the past. We were able to say goodbye to each other. He offered to stay friends, but today I told him that I can’t imagine being friends with an ex. He accepted it all and we parted amicably.
Apparently, everything is going well in his life. He told me that he is now mainly thinking about family, he looks forward to meet his wife and his son. This comment struck me extra hard, because I fear that I will end up completely alone. I have been thinking about family too, but I can’t imagine it for myself. When I think of my own family, I fear so much that I would repeat that unlucky pattern… But the thought hurts so much that I can’t stop crying. It’s stupid, I never thought of myself as a family person (because of my own family), but it must be nice,if you spend time with you children and partner, if you can show your children about the world and see the grow up. I try to be reasonable though, tell myself that with the state of the world it is only good to not have children and that I have to still work on myself a lot. Still this topic touches me somehow very deeply. Well, I will soon be too old anyways. And I try to tell myself, that it is all for a reason. Maybe I am not meant for this.
He also said that he never understood why I ended things, that the problems were so small. But back then I almost had a nervous breakdown, so I don’t think I could have acted any differently. When I brought up the lack of communication, he said it was because I refused to get a smartphone. Which is true, I didn’t want one because of the distraction factor. But he never communicated this to me until the end. And definitely, I wasn’t the only one responsible for the communication problem. And that he wanted to put the blame on me, made me more firm in my decision to let him go. I could also not have been his friend, because I still feel something for him.Best to make a clear cut.
But it was good to meet him to finish this in a good way. When I sent him the message he wished me well and said he feels that he now fulfilled his task.
Sorry, you must be sick of the topic. I did not take your advice, but I had to find my own way of dealing with things. The abrupt no contact version doesn’t work for me and I find it hard to move on. Only in extreme cases it works for me.
When I first came to the forums, I was really looking for guidance, for an anchor. Because I felt so lost! And you always seemed so secure in your opinions. Unlike me, who is questioning my every move. It was good to have this safety. And I thank you for your advice, it has helped me a lot. But I also have to evaluate now, what works for me. People are different and there are different solutions to every problem. I hope you are o.K. with this.
About compulsions: I don’t know if this is me. I was extremely sad how things ended with K and could never get over it. I liked him very much, even though it didn’t go well. I had a hard time to let go of this. At least now I know that he doesn’t hate me, that he is well and that we parted amicably. That will be a huge consolation to me.
August 21, 2020 at 9:30 am #365269
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Lily.
I hope it is o.K., about the turtle. I get what you were saying and the turtle metaphor helped to make it clearer. Just, something about it made it a bit uncomfortable to me. Thank you for accepting my feelings.
About meeting him: I will think about it. I would like to have a friendly ending, as it would make me feel better. And I have already told him that I only want to meet him once. But will there be a real exchange, a talk about what happened? Likely not. I could do this to test myself and to draw a finishing line for myself. Maybe I am also too perfectionist again, trying to be this perfect and fair person. These things first got me into trouble, but I feel that I am stronger now and that I now know what I want.August 21, 2020 at 8:51 am #365262
thank you for your response! Indeed, what people put out on social media is not always a reflection of their true reality. So if the content from someone makes me feel bad, I will stop watching them. Sometimes it can be inspiring though for me. The main problem with social media for me however is over-indulging. So I now try to at least not go online in the morning, so I can concentrate better.
About comparison: yes, I still fall into this trap from time to time! Sometimes I look at people, they seemingly have their life together. But who knows how it really is for them? And what their life has been so far? We are all born in different circumstances and with different personalities, so comparison is not helpful. I try to only compare myself with myself now (am still working on it).
During the last year, I have become better at accepting myself. My perfectionist tendencies get in the way at times, but I’m getting better.
I wish you a good day!
August 21, 2020 at 8:39 am #365259
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by Lily.
you are having too much fun with the turtle comparison, haha. But also, I do not feel completely comfortable with it. The bottom line is that we are very different. I never know what he thinks or wants. We are just no match.
But this short communication with him, I feel was successful. I stated very clearly what I wanted and I was at the same time kind. I was the person that I want to be. True to myself yet friendly. Unlike when I first met him, always trying to please him and feeling wrong all the time.
I feel I am now better able to look outward, look at what happened. I can see why it did not work, I can see that he is not responding to what I am telling him at all. Does he just not care? Who knows. What is important is, that I do not want that. Now I feel that even if I meet him, I will be able to stay true to myself. I have gained some confidence.