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Michelle

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  • #336720

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey all.

    @ Adelaide. Wow, thanks! You have no idea how much it means to know my cr@ppy experiences and hard-earned life lessons have helped other people, much appreciated! I did smile at the idea of you screenshotting ( is that even a verb? who knows?!?) them!  Happy belated birthday too. I think Genie said it well for all of us about not making any possible contact from your ex the focus of the day. You’ve already come far enough to realise it wasn’t the right relationship for you, so even if she does contact you it’s not helpful, since you aren’t in the right space to want to be simply friends.  It’s awesome how much you’ve focused on staying open with other people and how many positive experiences it’s given you. There’s a big ‘Disney-esque’ romanticism pushed through media on finding the one person to fill all your human needs – which is ridiculous when you think about it in reality. Everything in life is a balance, including romantic and non-romantic relationships. It really is amazing what happens when you reach out to people and you are truly inspirational for doing so well.  As you can tell, I am a bit of a travel nut, especially now that I have retired so would love to hear more about the places you have lived if you don’t mind sharing.

    @ Genie. Ha, yeah, right with you on how nice it is to know sharing our lessons and experience to help others. At the grand old age of 44, I got a few! It sounds like things are going really well with you now, slowly with the new guy and always looking forwards, not back. Congrats.

    @shelby. Yeah, I’m now in Koh Lanta, typing this from my balcony over the sea. It is very easy to live cheap here, most meals are £1-3 each, delicious fruit smoothies a £1 etc etc. People are so friendly, especially if you take the time to talk/smile. I love it. Will be heading off to Langkawi in Malaysia via Koh Lipe and then onto George Town before working back up to Vietnam, which I’m already looking forwards to getting my Mi Quang & Banh Mi fix! Sounds like you are still pretty stuck on not moving on and not taking off those rose-coloured specs……..I know there’s nothing we here can say to make that happen for you but I do hope and wish you don’t waste too many more years on holding onto your dream of him.  You know – that whole thing about not knowing what you want to do with your life is a big part of why you won’t let him go. He provided you direction and saved you from having to figure it out yourself or do anything about it. I know it’s so much easier to simply follow someone else but at the end of the day, it just creates a very unequal relationship – and hence a lot of anxiety in the one who’s doing the following. Honestly, spend any spare moment you get thinking about where you want to be in 5 years time – or for the ultimate shocker – try and envision your funeral and what you’d like people to be saying about you, what you would have done. Time goes by so fast and if you wait for life, it passes you by. Reach out and grab the life you want instead – I’m living proof 😉

    @ Kkasxo – hope you are doing ok in this extra tough week for you. Take care eh.

    #335132

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo! Awesome timing and fab to hear from you. I’m really glad to hear your family are still around actually, I know how much support and comfort that gives you, which you will need over the trigger date again especially.

    I know exactly what you mean by the treadmill. I used to be up at 4am and not home again until 8pm, like you say, enough time to just eat, shower, sleep & repeat! Recover at the weekend just about and then start again! The only way I survived for the 15 years of that was knowing it was towards a plan – avoiding that “walking through life” feeling I understand all too well. Knowing it had a purpose and that each week brought me a little closer to my goal kept me sane – mostly!!  So perhaps when it’s not such an emotional time you could figure out something similar, so that you have a “why” instead of just churning on through. I know it helped me so much.

    How are you & Mr A(1 or 2?!) doing? Is it helpful to have him around still or does he just remind you of the trauma more? Just curious as you haven’t mentioned how you guys are doing. Hoping that’s a good thing…

    #335126

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Back online and now perched on my balcony in Krabi, Thailand. Loving being warm and sunny again – as well as all the awesome food 🙂  Definitely makes all the long years commuting and working my proverbial off worth it now!

    Anyway – onto more important things, you guys.

    @ Adelaide. Being able to feel anger is awesome. It’s not easy for a lot of people, especially if you’ve been brought up as a people pleaser or have low selfesteem. I found as I went through the various stages post break-up I’d see-saw back and forth through the different stages of sadness, anger, fear, acceptance, peace, forgiveness – it wasn’t a straight-forwards x to y to z thing.  Being angry means your self-esteem is alive and kicking, which is a good thing. A great thing in fact. I was incredibly angry at how fast my ex was ok, just didn’t seem fair when I was in so much pain.  These days I’m actually grateful that he did it as I like myself as the person I am now so much more. So it does change and you will flip-flop around, for lack of a better description but eventually the helpful feelings last longer and longer.  I think its fantastic that the experience has opened your eyes, recognising that you do want a relationship, it is possible for you. No wonder you are angry, you just think it’s possible and it’s whipped away from you.  If you’ve read 70 pages odd you’ll probably have seen my post on where one of the things that helped me the most was being determined to “stay open”. To not let one bad experience stop me from trying again. To not close myself off from trusting again. Not easy and it takes time and baby steps – but I firmly believe you too will come out the other side happier and stronger.

    @genie. I love the fact you shared Mark M’s post – I love his whole blog and have often recommended sections/articles. He just has a great no nonsense approach, as well as a wicked sense of humour. His advice is usually spot on, if people can take it in the way it’s intended – he doesn’t sugar coat anything. Sounds like things are still going well with your new guy, slow and steady and sharing your fears & hopes. Awesome.

    @rob. Having been with my other half twenty years in a couple of months, I fully understand the size of the hole that is left. Keep reaching out, either here or with friends nearby, we’re all here to support you as needed. Share your pain as many times as you need to. Focus on the here and now, keep yourself fed, sleep as best as you can, wash. The basics. It’s pretty much all you can do whilst it’s still so overwhelming. As above, you will cycle through a sh*t lot of emotions. Feel them but when you reach drowning point – reach out for help. You don’t need to go through this alone.

    @shelby. Yeah, it’s a shame you still haven’t reached the anger stage huh. From everything you have shared I would suspect you find anger hard in general. After all, it’s a confrontation of sorts – and you’ve mentioned that your general mode of operation is to run/take flight from anything like that. It’s also easy to feel that anger is “bad” when you’ve been brought up to keep people happy. Easier to just keep the peace and bury those feelings else you might lose control eh.  Intellectually you know it’s ok to be angry but emotionally you just aren’t used to dealing with it. Being angry also means accepting he isn’t perfect, isn’t deserving of that pedestal you still have him on. And if you have to take him down from the pedestal then you have to admit it really is over. And I don’t think you want that – you still believe and hope in your secret heart of hearts that he is still the one for you, hoping against hope that he will realise it too. Like I said, I have seen some really good friends get stuck at this point, great people who remain single twenty years later as no new relationship ever “measures up” to that one guy. Despite everything reality and their friends and family tell them :-).  So it’s not something anybody else can really help you with. At some point you’ll either decide you do want to give a real relationship a go and will let him go from that pedestal – or you can keep him there and stay safe from trying again.  Being busy is a good way to build new habits that lessen the pain but eventually it needs dealing with if you want to move on. Your choice, as always. Both are fine, just different paths in this adventure of life. Just don’t be unaware of where your choices lead you.

    @kkasxo. How goes it m’dear? New job settling in ok or all a bit over your head and swamped with new people and things to do?!  Realised you never said how you coped with your family going back home – are they all back now or are some still with you? I’m mentally sending you a picture of the sparkling blue sea and tropical jungle I’m staring at to help with that depressing British winter!!

    Take care all.

    #333815

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Adelaide1.  Yes, we’ve all been there unfortunately. And as you will have read from my story at least, so long as you work through it all, life can be even better after the experience.  It just takes time and acceptance, as it is very easy to get stuck and I have seen many good friends do so. Can I say huge kudos for being brave enough to be open to the relationship in the first place – I can only imagine how much courage it took to both come out and overcome your anxieties enough to try at the relationship.  It’s no wonder it’s going to be hard to accept it has ended. Personally I’ve never been good at the ex’s as friends thing, though I know some people can. I understand why you want to keep her in your life but it will be some time before it won’t hurt, so try and be gentle on yourself and do what’s best for you. Take care.

    #333059

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey all,

    @ Genie. Ah, tough luck on the ankle. Take it easy & you can at least get out for a walk once it’s healed up some .Even if not a run, it still helps. And yup, no worries – just let me know when I can help. It was so encouraging to read about how you opened up to your new guy – that takes guts to do and it’s awesome he’s responded the way he has. Slow and steady, no need to rush, just find out how you fit together. Being able to talk honestly to each other is a huge part of a good long term relationship but I know first-hand how scary it is to open up so kudos to you.

    @kkasxo. Cool to hear from you again and huge congrats on the new job. Yeah it may not be your ideal but it’s always easier to find a new job whilst employed as it’s so easy to lose confidence in yourself when not in work. Who knows what it’ll lead to and at least it helps your financial pressure too eh, which has to help.  It is tough to stay in the present moment, especially when you’re the kind of person you are.  Glad to hear you are still working on it – absolutely, all small steps count – in fact, it’s the only way real change happens.

    @shelby.  Good news on the project – it does really help to have something you have to do, life is definitely a balance and neither too much or too little self-awareness/thinking is good for anyone!  It’s funny to hear you say you are directionless since you’ve been pretty clear on here about what you’d like.  You’ve talked about setting up your own beauty business, sorting out your finances so you can travel more, finding a man to have a good relationship with and possibly kids too. That’s three big aims right there!!  So I think it’s more you just don’t know what steps to take to progress with each of them. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my journey to get where I am today – like with Kkasxo, it’s not the big steps that make it happen – it’s all of the tiny steps you take that make those dreams happen. So when you find your mind wandering to it’s well-worn groove of thinking about your ex, perhaps try and devote some of that time to thinking about what actions you can take towards those goals.

    I understand the fear of becoming reliant on the new guy and it’s good you are aware of it. I think a few pages back we talked about how eventually you need to be able to soothe yourself instead of always looking to others, be it a guy, your therapist, friends, whoever. It’s good to have a helping hand absolutely, we all need those but there’s a difference between need and want.  Perhaps you could make sure when you talk with this guy it isn’t all about you, your feelings etc, going over the same old ground. Listen to him too, do the give/take thing so it’s an equal relationship, not a new dependency for you.  Talk to him about your dreams and brain storm ideas to progress them together – that’s powerful positive stuff.

    ML – yes, all of us here understand that pain far too well. I too was totally blind-sided and in a very similar situation. Honestly, contact does not help pretty much anyone. I know some people can be friends with ex’s but I don’t believe that can happen until you are both emotionally separate people again. I.e. you can imagine having a conversation with him about his new girlfriend without feeling terrible. Three months for me was still way too raw for anything like that but everyone is different. Concentrate on you, on the boring but oh so helpful stuff like healthy eating, exercise, friends, family. It takes time to accept what has happened and how much your world has changed – but it does come.

    As ever, hope it helps all. I shall be leaving for Asia on Friday – bring on the sun!! Will reply as when I can as ever.

    #332263

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both.

    @genie.  Awesome news on the running – I did exactly that, including the chanting funnily enough. I also used to end the run being grateful at achieving another one and visualising positive energy filling me & any negative energy leaving. As you can tell, I’m very much a two feet on the ground kinda person but something about the routine and mental practice of this used to leave me feeling much calmer and more hopeful – it sounds like it’s helping you too which is great.

    It’s interesting what you say about wasting so much time going back. It’s one of the hardest things to learn I think, is when to let go of something. And still hard to do even when you know you want to. Partly I think the whole sunk cost fallacy thing in particular makes us especially prone to this with emotional situations. E.g. say you start a new book & about 30 mins in, you are hating it. The writing is rubbish, the plot is obvious etc etc. Do you stop? No, we go on….hoping against experience it will get better… 2 hrs later (it’s a long book!) it’s still rubbish and we’re regretting our choice to continue, thinking of all the other things we could have used those two hours for. But do we stop now? No way! We’re halfway through now and we stop we’ll have to admit we wasted that time! So we plough on to the bitter end…….wasting yet more time whilst still hoping against hope it miraculously changes and improves…..at the end of the book you realise it’s part of a longer series, so perhaps the next book will be better… after all, we’ve come this far now….  You get the idea. It seems obvious you should just stop after learning enough to be able to judge that it isn’t the right book for you.  But it feels like you are ‘quitting’ and ‘giving up’ , instead of the reality which is being honest and brave enough to stop and go do something with your time that does actually benefit you.

    The exact same goes for emotional investment, it’s just harder to see.  It’s hard to “give up” all those years of investment and hope in the relationship. Moving on means accepting those years are gone. It means giving up on that tiny hope that he may yet change – despite all the evidence to the contrary you have.  You actually sound like you have come a long way already since your first post – being able to accept and recognise he isn’t the right person for you is a big step. If it helps,  I don’t think of my experience as years wasted now – rather as lessons I had to go through to become the person I am today. It sounds like you are already making great strides towards doing the same, well done.  You are 100% correct, this is about you, not him. And the really good news is, “you” is something you can do something about, like it sounds like you are doing so already and on your way. This new guy also sounds like someone who is willing to work with you and help you grow as a person – that is always something awesome to find in life. I hope it goes well. Here as/when I can help more.

    @ Shelby.  Funnily enough, a lot of that advice for Genie goes for you too – but you know that already 😉  Especially on the letting go part. Am I too surprised to hear your ex has been vaguely sniffing around, honestly, not really. But do I think it means what I know you hope it means, sorry, no…  You’ve changed the usual pattern of your break-ups and haven’t gone back to him. He’s probably curious about this Shelby who’s managed to go travel and quit her job. And judging by what you’ve said of him – it’s about his usual time to wonder if you’d be up for another round, especially since you guys clearly have a strong physical connection.  But that’s the point of all this self-awareness and self-esteem building work. Just because he may decide he’s ready to have you back in his life for another short period – doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you. Would you really want to go around that loop again??? A temporary high followed by another huge low and the pain of him telling you again that he’s still the same person, doesn’t do commitment and doesn’t do relationships. He was always happy with the casual thing you guys had going.  If you were in a stronger place and just wanted the physical relationship – also no judgement if you both know what expect and want.  But you know you want commitment and you know you want a real relationship. Neither of you is right or wrong, you just want different things.  And, like the book example above,  everything you’ve learnt about your ex means you know he is not going to be able to give you what you want, even if he wanted to.

    I actually think it’s great this new guy has turned into such a good friend. The people we need have a habit of appearing in our lives when we need them, even if they aren’t what we want. I’m glad to hear you say you are aware enough of not becoming reliant on him. Absolutely right.  It’s totally human and natural to want comfort but there’s a huge difference between needing it and just enjoying it when offered. Take him at his word and enjoy the friendship – you are being absolutely honest with him about your feelings and he’s dealing with it remarkably well, so he sounds like a good influence in your life.

    Take care both – and you Kkasxo – now back to the manic planning for me!

    #331075

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi all.

    First things first – apols for the long radio silence my side – it’s been crazy busy since I got back from SA end of Nov, what with a trip to Prague, three birthday’s to sort and then everyone round mine for Christmas – followed by now frantically sorting out this year’s first trip back to SE Asia with two weeks to go! All good stuff but no excuses for the delay.

    Second things second – can you believe it’s 2020?! Happy New Year even if you don’t feel all like celebrating right now.

    @shelby. Awesome 6th sense…let’s see if it works again..!  Is the retail job finished now post Christmas or do you keep going until you find something else you want?  I wouldn’t worry about feeling a fake – better to know how you are feeling than ignoring it.  I know you want to read things into him contacting you for your birthday but honestly, I’d bet money on he just thought it was the right thing to do – especially after that’s what you told him to do.  Either way what’s really important is that even if he did want to get back together – it would be for the same thing you guys had before, nothing different and not what you want and need in your life.  So yeah, does it make your heart yearn again for the impossible, do you imagine he’s changed after missing you etc etc – ofcourse it does & you do, that’s human. But each time you acknowledge the feelings but don’t act on them – choosing to deal with reality and pick a path forwards that’s good for you, that’s another step forwards.  I’m also sorry to hear it didn’t work out with the new guy, though not surprised from what you’d said. It all depends on what’s most important to you about a relationship but you can’t force it if it isn’t right for sure.

    @genie.  Wow – if you’ve read all 92 pages then you’ve read a lot of my advice and experience here already! Ofcourse I will try and help, though if you don’t hear back from me promptly it’s usually because I’m travelling somewhere and no wi-fi, as these guys know! Along with the pragmatic tips that helped my battered self-esteem e.g. eating well, exercising, getting out with friends & crying on their various shoulders, forcing myself into new experiences etc etc the biggest thing that helped on the emotional side was practicing being absolutely honest with myself and working hard to separate reality from my fantasy/rose-coloured specs. Really good friends and family can be lethally helpful with this too and it’s worth way more than sympathy, which is great but reinforces the feeling of loss, not the reality that it simply wasn’t right.

    E.g. the whole “I’ll never meet anybody as good as him” is something I understand as I felt that at the time too but it just isn’t true.  Being regularly depressed and anxious in a relationship is not exactly a sign of the “best relationship ever”.  It can be scary to be on your own for sure, especially if it is your first time doing so, as it was mine.  But being on your own is way better than being with the wrong person.

    In fact – the best thing I did to move on properly was to be truly comfortable by myself, able to look after myself both financially and emotionally. Like you, I’d lost the person I was before my ex and had become incredibly dependent on him – something it took me some time to be able to recognise – that’s that honesty with yourself thing kicking in! It took me a while and a lot of positive actions to find myself again and be happy with who I was alone.

    The big upside of it being that when you do eventually meet someone, you aren’t looking to that person to ‘save’ me, ‘look after me’ or ‘make me safe for ever’ – as those things don’t exist – you do those for yourself, supported by loving people around you for short periods but without becoming dependent on them for it. I.e. I then had something to offer a relationship, not just take from it, which is crucial to any relationship going the distance in a good way.

    What I’d suggest you start with is trying to calm the panicky feelings that are coming from your fear, try looking at your situation as your best friend would see it. Every time your fear tells you that your ex is the best you are ever going to get, acknowledge the fear but correct it with the truth – it was not a good relationship for you so even if he was the most amazing man in the world ( unlikely, sorry! ) he still wouldn’t be the right man for you. And that’s what matters, what’s right for you.

    @kkasxo. How goes it all? Sorry to hear you didn’t get that job, irritating when you click like that. Usually means somebody else made the final call but still hurts. Should all pick up again in the New Year I guess. More importantly, how’re you coping & how did you guys get through the festive break?

    #328917

    Michelle
    Participant

    Well said Shelby, it’s good to hear you doing so well now.  I know the birthday thing threw you for a loop but I found the recovery got faster each time, sounds like you are already feeling the impact fade too.

    Hope you & Kkasxo enjoy your Christmas breaks – take care both and bring on 2020!

    #321251

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both,

    Finally checking back in from SA! Sorry for the radio silence, all good here, still loving the travelling and pushing my boundaries. There’s always more ways to grow as a person – both emotionally and physically, given how good the food and wine is here!! 😉

    To be honest, I think the Insta post is only half right….it’s hard to know what your soul truly wants, away from all the pressures of society, family and friends. A long learning and experimental process. Too many people still have the view of “if I could just have x,y or z then I will be happy” but there’s always another x,y and z if you have that mindset. But I do know what you mean when you feel it resonate and I do think it is true if you have put the effort into figuring out what you do really want/need. Most people just skip that part though!

    Anyway – to more useful things…yeah, it can be scary when you are out of work and in need of money but I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is life is all about how you respond to what gets thrown at you – as it will always, always throw things at you no matter how much you plan and try to protect your security.  Sounds like you are already both doing what you can to find a job – so perhaps try to embrace the free time to do all the things you wanted to do but couldn’t when you were too busy working.  E.g. exercise every day, cook and eat well, learn new skills – so many free courses online these days, plan out your next travel trips for when you do have cash again.  Make it a positive time and it will also shine through as/when you have to get through interviews. Shelby – did you get in touch with volunteering your make-up skills at that hospital, make any plans as to how you will get your business off the ground? Kkasxo, are you sure you want to stick with the same kind of role?

    As to everything else – something that struck me when reading both your last few posts – have you ever tried thinking about your situations from your future children’s perspectives?  I grew up with a very anxious, insecure mother and it took me a long time to unlearn those lessons and develop a different way of responding to events/people.  If you had kids now already, what kind of example would you want to be setting them? How would you be advising them and helping them find their way through these situations?

    As you guys know, finding the “right” man and having kids doesn’t suddenly make you secure and confident – that’s something you have to do yourself and what you are working on now right, before kids and marriage.  That’s why your trip was so epic Shelby – not because of the bucketlist items ticked but because it was something you were terrified of but you did it anyway. That’s a huge lesson and example to be able to share with future kids. As to not being able to afford therapy right now,  I bet you could write your therapists response to you yourself, you know them so well. And that’s what good therapy is all about, teaching you the skills to be able to soothe yourself when anxious, not to need your ex or therapist. Kkasxo – honestly – I have no idea how any father could behave so coldly and no idea how you even began to deal with that kind of rejection and breaking of trust.  But yeah, Mr A is not your father and at some point you either have to forgive him for his mistake, everyone makes them and he seems to have learnt and be genuinely sorry and trying to fix things from what you describe. No future man is going to be perfect, just doesn’t work that way. Yes, it’s natural to feel envy when people seem to be getting what you want, even I felt a twinge as all my friends went through the wedding/kids phases and it wasn’t for me. Makes you feel left out – and it’s not even something I especially wanted.  And whilst I’m sure your friend is going to be very happy,  I think just now that I’m 20 years (almost!) into my relationship with my other half, it’s been very obvious which relationships have lasted and which haven’t or are just unhappily together. It’s the relationship that’s important, not the window-dressing. And they take effort, always. But the reward is worth it, always.

    Curiously, Shelby, I had a very similar first relationship post my split.  I actually did end it after a month or two, as I could tell he was way more into me than I was into him and didn’t want to hurt him more down the line. It was the first time I’d ended anything and I can see now it was something I had to learn, to choose what wasn’t right for me – as much as choosing what is right.  And you know what, from here I can see it was just another part of my healing, something else I had to go through to get to where I am.

    So yeah, whilst you might feel like you want to get off and have a break – keep at it, you’ve both come a long way already. Try and do anything positive that will help and accept the negative as something you can’t change. Take care both.

     

    #316711

    Michelle
    Participant

    And Kkasxo – hope we’re entertaining you with travel tales and not making you feel worse. Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance eh?

    #316709

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both.

    Absolutely I know what you mean about it gets in your soul – it’s inspirational stuff in all kinds of ways.

    Whitsunday Islands look absolutely stunning in pictures so I can only imagine how good the reality must be!  You should be incredibly proud you have made it there by yourself – I know it isn’t how you wanted it to be but instead of regretting never making it in twenty years time, you now know you’ve done it, achieved one of your dreams and made it happen yourself – that’s awesome powerful stuff to know you can do.

    I think everyone gets a little homesick when travelling around – it’s one of the big reasons why I stay a long time in each one – I like getting to know people there, having them recognise me and chat like friends. It’s funny – we’ve (re)met by accident several people that we befriended on previous visits entirely by accident and it really helps feel like you fit in like a proper local.  It’s not too surprising you started having stronger regrets on your ex when feeling low from being ill, a bit homesick and then rushing around whilst amazing is also incredibly tiring. It’s pretty natural to want your go-to comforter (in your case, your ex) when you are feeling a little less than awesome, a bit like the grown-up equivalent of a teddy bear for lack of a better way to describe it!  But knowing you are still having moments you are loving the experiences, where you are proud of yourself for making it happen – they’re the ones to cling to and let sink in. And just do what you need to recharge those batteries so you don’t feel quite so lost and tired and therefore needy.  A big hug from here in South Africa anyways to help you along the way to enjoying your next place!

    #316519

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both.

    Yep, Cape Town was as awesome as ever. It’s also a huge culture shock even after your first trip, especially as we tend to explore outside the normal tourist areas too. Honestly, people in the UK have no clue what poor means in comparison, some of it is truly shocking – more so with the huge gulf to the wealth that is there too.  So I love it as much for opening my eyes to the reality of the worldas I do for it’s amazing natural beauty, food and ofcourse wine and beer!  We are now in the heart of the Winelands which is just a stunning place – a real treat to be able to stay here and enjoy everything the region has to offer. Hard to describe, just so generous and friendly and so alive.

     

    So Shelby, what’s been the highlight so far – best thing seen/done/eaten??  Glad to hear you were looked after well when you got sick, I know that was one of your fears and seeing how it turned out just fine must be a comfort.  But seriously, wasting your time and mental energy on missing your ex, not surprised it’s pissing you off – it would me!  What a waste.  Ofcourse he isn’t thinking about or pining for you in the same way but nobody ever wants to hear that I know. It was still a right slap in the face when I found out my ex was seeing someone else as I defn still had those romantic notions so I get where your head is at. Tbh, it was helpful finding it out – no more pretending and hoping for me then!!  But hey, you are who you are and as ever you have two choices, look forwards or backwards. Up to you as ever.  It’s not about what you do – as you know, you can’t simply run away from it. It’s about accepting that it’s gone, be it for good or bad reasons, it doesn’t actually matter – it’s not going to happen how you want it to happen.  Look forwards to hearing more of your adventures and hope you manage to enjoy yourself a little at least.

    Kkasxo – how goes it?? Did the seratonin help shift it all this time around? Hope the job search et al isn’t getting on top of you totally and that Mr A is doing his bit to be strong for you this time around at least. Take care eh, still here if you need us.

    #314237

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo,

    Reporting in from Cape Town!!
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Seriously, I get it. You are hurting bad. But it hurts so bad because you are still fighting reality. You want it to be different. You want Me A to step and be your one again. You want your life to be “on track”.  But your gut knows the truth. It’s going to take you making changes you are scared of.</p>
     

    I ‘know’ you well enough through this blog to believe in you and I know Shelby does too. You do have the strength – you have been through worse and you are a survivor. You are awesome. You can do whatever you need to do

    You can also join me & Shelbs in loving up the sunshine, a way better natural seratonin!!

     

    You take care and believe in yourself now. Check back in tomorrow.

    #313777

    Michelle
    Participant

    I”m curious why you think she should stay??  Although you call it a ‘perfect marriage’s it clearly isn’t.

    Big houses and a history count for nothing if you aren’t happy and it doesn’t sound like your friend is happy with the situation, unsurprisingly.

     

    I’d suggest being more supportive when you listen to her, she’s probably scared of making such a big change and standing up for her self. Doesn’t have to mean leaving but she really does need your help for the strength to repair this relationship, if the guy is even interested in doing so.

     

    #313765

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both – just a real quick one to wish Shelby well on the start of the big adventure tomorrow!!! Hope all goes well and you are packed & ready!

     

    Kkasxo, hope you’re doing ok there  too and enjoyed the sunny weekend at least.

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