Forum Replies Created
April 8, 2020 at 6:08 am #348252
@shelbyville I never once felt ignored by you. Those things I mentioned I had picked up on, I read all 92 pages in Dec when I joined because I was so low and suicidal but your thread saved my life. For that I am ever grateful. You don’t understand how much you all helped turnover the events of my life. the space of time up to this page you make observations about others I had noticed you had avoided certain things. Maybe some of your ex behaviour rubbed off on you..it happens. I don’t know. But your advice has always been helpful. Kind and useful to me. You don’t owe me an explanation either. It is your own choice what you do. I just hope to read you are happy and moved on one day. Best of luck.
This is your thread with @kkasxo so you don’t need to remove yourself. I will remove myself and post on another thread when I feel low. Thank you for allowing me to rant when I did.April 8, 2020 at 4:17 am #348242
@shelbyville I don’t mean this with any hurtful intention but you avoid very good advice on this thread. Good advice can never make you go the wrong way or damage you, it gets you to the place where you are meant to be without the extra blows or pain/damaging yourself. I have noticed advice given about blocking your ex, deleting all contact, all of the things your therapist should have insisted and guided you towards very early on instead of molly coddling you so you can finally let go, you haven’t done.
You should know by now the choices you were making were wrong. We often justify them and say it was a road we must take. No it isn’t a journey needed when someone has advised us there was a less turbulent way out, it is what keeps us in a loop of being on again and off again, a relationship which ultimately leads to a dead end and wasted time, more pain.
A committed relationship where 2 people work is one that needs the exertion you’ve put in. Not an unrequited one where none of your needs were met.
I feel you have stuck with your therapist because the therapist must give you what you want to hear rather than really challenge you. Maybe as @sammy says it’s time to stop , save money as nice as it is to have someone listen to us in the end we have to implement the change and you are equipped to do that just need to put it into action.
Other advice Michelle gave about having a balanced relationship where you give and take in general and with your new guy friend who you yourself said was an immense support etc. you don’t seem to have taken on and when I have challenged you recently after you felt let down by your friend you have ignored answering which makes me think you must have done what I did with Jay.
I’m also really really surprised after a year and half of Michelle supporting you on this thread you also avoided addressing her recent cancer scare and the one she faces right now. Both Sammy and I have addressed in our messages which you have read because you replied to our messages. She doesn’t want sympathy but surely she would have liked to hear something about it from you. I’m not being mean, just observations made and they come from a place of wanting you to be happier because your thread made us get there and I’m pointing a few things out so we can help get you to the same place as those who have moved on and learn to face the reality.
Do you find it hard to deal with constructive criticism? You need to see it as a trigger for change not a way of someone bringing you down. It is someone recognising more value in you. They see more potential in you so own it.
Honestly a balance with being kind to yourself and also hearing the truth is essential. Those who love you I bet would give the exact advice Michelle has because they want the best for you. She is right, the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable or challenges you is often the one that pushes you forward. It is the one that helps overcome and fight the insecurities and fears and leads you to a better future.
So a lot of the reason why you are not healed as much or as quick is because you’re choosing not to follow the hard truths. I actually agree with Sammy and having had therapy too very few give you that real reality check. They mostly just try to explain why you act in a certain way, they lend an ear and do draw things out slowly which is fine but risks you becoming stationary. Often making you too self aware and just question or dissect everything rather than taking things at face value. This is crap in new relationships too as you dissect it apart before it’s even begun rather than allow nature to take its course (I speak from experience)
Only you can fully take reigns of your own life. Once we have all recognised that, that is when we have let go and made better decisions and choices.
A lot of people wouldn’t say the above in fear of causing upset. I feel like I may feel guilty afterwards knowing you are sensitive but I feel you really need to hear it. If you allow it to speak to you and resonate it will be for your own happiness and benefit.
You’re not disappointing anyone. You are an amazing chick. We just want you to give the pain and hurt a middle finger and get you back to your amazing self and moving onwards and upwardsApril 8, 2020 at 4:16 am #348240
I’m so sad you feel that way. Your advice has been hard to hear at times but always with the best of intentions. It is exactly what was needed because it always pushed me into a better place sooner because I took it on board. So thank you so much my mother hen. I will be forever be grateful and make you proud! I wish you have so many more awesome travels and I will for sure tag you if I fall because I really have benefited from your experiences and value your advice. I also want to say I know you didn’t want sympathy but your attitude to life despite your own tests is inspiring. I will continue to battle my anxiety and try to make better choices.
Our reaction to our situation has literally the power to change the situation itself. It’s when we use our wisdom to proper use it gives results this is the message so many on here have been trying to get into us and I completely agree.April 5, 2020 at 12:22 pm #347740
@shelbyville your thread is a safe place to seek solace. You created a great space. It’s good to hear you doing something productive and you are thinking of goals for future. Really proud of you chick for how you are handling your self isolation and moving forward. You deserve to more than most and were all waiting for the day to hear you have moved on and happier.
@doseofrealitys posts have really affected me and I feel a sense of guilt for being responsible for maybe pushing someone away with my words. Also not hearing back from @doseofreality makes me feel like he/she will never know the efforts were appreciated.
@cb so sorry for what you are going through but you are brave too and will get through it. Your son should be your main focus now he has lost a stable home and undergoing crisis and looks like he will lose his grandparents pour your energy into supporting each other rather than analysing what went wrong. I hope someone else can reply and offer some useful advice based on experience and wisdom.April 4, 2020 at 9:20 am #347044
@doseofreality please don’t leave because you feel your message got lost. It didn’t, as Michelle said you perspective is required. I think having you remind us when we slip up will have been so useful. You have such a clear perspective and it already has made us question the choices we are making. If you are leaving because it’s too much that’s fair and I respect you so much for reaching out so selflessly at a time when most would feel defeated. Your last message really touched me as it was personal. Life sucks and it has become more clear of how short it is with the current climate but it is really the way we handle it and what we get out of it. I know you don’t want sympathy you must get it each time you break the news. I am so sorry though and I too will try and use your tips to control my anxiety, even if you decide not to post . Michelle will keep us in good form as you two have very similar perspectives and could be soul sisters!
I wish you the very best ending in your journey and hope you realise you have impacted lives. Thank you. Your loved ones are very lucky to have you. Love and peace to you too. If you need anything you are welcome to ask anytime xxx
@michelle how brave are you too? I have a whole new level of respect for you. I’m sorry you are going through a cancer scare again. I admire your courage and attitude towards life and still living your best life and having such a positive attitude. Not once did I stop to think you may be battling issues so I’m sorry for not asking if I can be of any help and just harping on about my ex and Jay. Please do not hesitate either to ask if you need anything, I feel like the only way I can help is to take on your and @doseofrealitys advice more seriously as you have the wisdom given your circumstances and clearly just want us all to take control and be happy. Your advice given so far carries even more significance for me at least. I hope your results are good and I’m here for you just like you’ve been for me xxxApril 3, 2020 at 3:59 pm #346976
Wow, so much I feel an information overload.
@sammy you’re welcome chick. I’m glad you are in a better place and more stable with your thoughts. Keep going and you will make it out. I’m glad you feel inspired just be aware if you have a down day to talk to your friend or vent on this forum we are all here for you.
@shelbyville you’re alive chick. So glad to hear from you and I hope your results are normal. I miss my family and the hugs from Jay. But keep remembering we are doing this for our loved ones and to stop the spread. Maybe we are the lucky ones, no one to throttle from being in our own company. Instead can focus on what positive things we will do after this is done with. Stay away from the news! It really got me spiralling. Thankfully this forum and Jay sorted me out. How’s things with your friend?
@michelle again so good to hear from you! I’m glad you have found it ok to acclimatise to being back. I’m glad isolation isn’t too challenging with your partner. If anything it gives me hope when you have the right person by your side it works. I hope you stay well and healthy.
@kkasxo glad to hear you haven’t killed your partner yet hahaha and you released your emotions rather than let them consume you. Keep going.
@adelaide you’re awesome chick so don’t you ever forget that. I see few messages have been exchanged with you and @doseofreality I just want to say reading you feel so much shame made me so sad. You are a wonderful person, please do not be so harsh on yourself. You have helped me so much with your great advice. Because of you I have something to look forward to with Jay, you encouraged me to communicate and gave me pointers when i needed. So you are awesome. I will definitely be downloading that and can not wait to watch a rom com. I can’t wait for my real moment with him still giddy as a teen.
Just like I try to take on board some advice from everyone, id say try and not be completely dismissive, what I think @doseofreality is trying to say is don’t forget the goodness within you. You as I said above are so brave and good to others. You have a wonderful heart and strength.
@doseofreality is saying after this if we survive we should change our outlook and this crisis is the perfect time to evaluate how we are going to make our lives more healthier or happier mentally so we can shake of our insecurities, issues etc and live life more happy than sad. I don’t think @doseofreality it is something that should happen overnight but maybe we should start to reflect also as we have been given time. So instead of using that time thinking about our idiot exes or other issues we should plot what we will do to make life more better should we survive?
A lot of the tips mentioned I feel you are so incredible and already doing. You don’t feel the need to contact your ex anymore as you value yourself. Again this means you are moving forward to create a happier life for yourself. You already recognise the hard reality of things and what to do.
We have control. I don’t think the message was to shame and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for your feelings. Everyone feels differently but I guess @doseofreality is saying…don’t let your sad feelings control your life.
@doseofreality I think your intentions are good but your dose was a little too real and hard to swallow ? Because even though i like a reality check i thought at first what you was saying was rather a strong shock value kind of message without recognising every individual has their own complexities.Then I read your last message and I see you may be withholding your story and if that’s the case what you are doing is actually incredibly brave, nice and a reminder of the fact life is short and you are trying in your own way to reach out and encourage people to be happy because that’s the impression you want to leave behind to have helped people. Maybe if you shared your story it would resonate with more people?
I do love your analogy of our minds being infected by negative thoughts (virus) and we need to fight it. The antidote being positive thoughts and better choices.
I love you all. XxxApril 1, 2020 at 7:24 am #346544
@adelaide so good to hear from you. I feel like very drained of energy and bit of slump to so I get you not wanting to type up.
Time and the mind does that to you. I remember I used to sit for hours not even eating thinking about scenarios of meeting my ex and then us being all happy ever after. It is co dependency and it’s the feeling of being in that situation and loneliness that drives those thoughts. Not the want of being with that person. The fact you have realised this and know objectively that your are projecting and your ex will not make you happy and meet your needs, is another amazing stepping stone and PROGRESS. I’m so proud of how you are so self aware and this is proof you are beginning to value yourself more as you are putting your needs first. Go chick!!!
I dont think a wonderful person like you will let yourself become bitter so I know when it is right for you and your family things will improve with your brother. How do you watch Netflix at a distance? I’d wanna watch a romcom with Jay wink wink.
In happy you checked in. You have been a big support for me. I hope @shelbyville is well. She said she had a covid test due. Check in shelby like adelaide even if brief so we all know you doing ok. @michelle you too you have just come from abroad..are you ok ?March 31, 2020 at 4:28 am #346358
@cb everyone has their own issues so you shouldn’t feel bad or compare them.to the pandemic. Xxx
@sammy how are you doing?
@#kkasxo hows the claustrophobia?
@shelbyville last time you were on here due a coronavirus test. Have you got your results? I do hope it was neg and you are well.
@becca hope today is a better day for you xxxMarch 30, 2020 at 11:57 am #346224
@becca I’m sorry if the above sounds so unsympathetic but it’s so sad you are sacrificing your own mental health and suffering. The day you leave you will feel a burden lifted. A chance to have a life you deserve. Not one where you are dictated to remain quiet about his deceit and his injustice to you. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this with 3 children too.March 30, 2020 at 11:51 am #346222
@cb you are strong. I know on your thread anita is helping and she seems like expert. You will do your son proud!
@sammy , I know you asked @shelbyville but here’s my take oh chick in a way you’ve been through your worst day and survived. That is progress, coming off the drink and not doing anything stupid. Your emotions will be up and down for a while until you accept his decision and realise you deserve a relationship where you are loved. Why be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate it, if you did get back together you’ll hit the same block again and again and like you said what a waste of time and energy that would be. I think you should have stayed with your friend. It’s a very lonely time right now so having someone around to pull you out of the spiral you can get in is good. However you have this thread and I for one am on it daily. It’s helped me so much when I’ve been close to losing all control.
I wouldn’t make a hasty decision on throwing away stuff just to move things along, it will happen naturally. If you reached that point do it. Everyone’s different for me it took few months after the final break up which was Feb 19 to do it but I felt it was progress in letting go. Dec 19 I was very low had hated what I’d become. Jay was really my turning point and even this relationship has been a battle but a good one where I’ve grown and he brings out the best in me. If i had known I’d meet someone like him, I’d never have gone down the road of “best way to get over someone is to sleep with someone else” I feel ashamed but it’s all a lesson. This is all a journey to finding the best person for you who will love you for who you are unconditionally in return. I promise keep believing and you will find it.
@becca from what I understand you have a partner who you are aware of is cheating on you and living a duplicitous life? GET OUT Now! You have children think of the consequences on them. Keep it cordial for the sake of your children but this relationship is toxic. This is what happens when you stay in a relationship which is one sided. Resentment sets in and the partner starts to cheat or hurt you. Hurting a person is not always physical it can be psychological. When only one person puts in the effort and the other becomes complacent or doesn’t care enough to meet you half way you’ll have a recipe for disaster. You are allowing him to treat you this way. This is not love. Please don’t sacrifice yourself and worth in this way.March 29, 2020 at 8:36 am #346014
I cant delete my PREV post but I’m feeling better. I decided to ring Jay myself. I didn’t want to undo my hard work , I told him the news had made me very anxious and he said I was being silly to think he didn’t want to deal with any of my anxiety attacks and it would be more painful to him to know that I didn’t feel comfortable to reach out to him. He said he accepted this was a part of me and still was going to stick around. I didn’t tell him I had thought what if by the end of lockdown he didn’t want me. I felt reassured in the way he spoke to me and didnt want to open can of worms or let the negative thoughts win. He said if I wanted to be rebellious and desperately wanted to see my mum he was willing to drive me down and we can meet from her from the window and then return. I declined as if anything happened to him or his parents I’d never forgive myself. Then he said let’s do some meditation together so we video called and i felt so much calmer. He jokingly said I was banned from reading the news and if I did the would be withholding his kisses when we meet (I went from grip hold anxiety to feeling really giddy like a teen) He said he would update me on any relevant news. I decided to think happy thoughts and everyday I’m going to reaffirm them. I just can’t believe how lucky I am to have someone who accepts me for who I am. So far he has just seen mainly the uglier side of me. I haven’t had the chance to show him the fun me, the soppy me And he still thinks I’m amazing. I really can not wait until this is all over. I need to see it as things to look forward to instead of things I cant have. After all absence does make you appreciate what you don’t have more. Sorry chicks for the rants.March 29, 2020 at 6:41 am #345992
I sabotaged myself today I tuned in. Then for 3 hours like a psychopath I was reading article after article try to find answers to the questions raised by the precious one. I was so upset I sobbed down the phone at my mum. She felt powerless as she could not be there for me. What struck me the most is Ive read it will be until June. I had just adjusted to two more weeks but until June I can’t be separated from everyone I love. Stupid thoughts crawled back in like what if Jay doesn’t want me anymore by then. What if I never get the chance to kiss him. I recognise these are stupid stupid thoughts but this anxiety always grips me when I read the news. He has called me but I don’t want to speak to him in this state. Then I try to remind myself in world war 2 when young children would be sent away to the countryside for months without videocall and tech we have to reach each other . When will this be all over? Anyone got any good tips for stopping the anxiety spiralling when it starts ?March 28, 2020 at 3:07 pm #345934
<p style=”text-align: left;”>@CB I know this is the worst time to be going through a heartbreak. However flip it. Think if the positives what do you still have. Those things you feel he has stolen. Fight for them your son is both of yours. The in laws if they are good people will still keep you a part of their lives especially for their grandson sake. The friends who you shared are equally yours to keep so keep in touch via Skype, WhatsApp etc. Once the restrictions are lifted show him that you are your own person and will not be defeated or have everything stolen from you. He was cruel and selfish to walk away 3 months ago and his selfishness continues as after sharing 27 years with you he still didnt contact you at the minimum to make sure you are ok in these unprecedented times or wish you well. Shows his character. Not yours so it hurts, set yourself targets for what you want to do without him. I have found I’m very very anxious lately being away from my family. Worrying about my sister but I am channelling the concern into mini projects or tasks and sometimes I even blast music and shake off the nervous energy. Stupid but it works. Try exercise, maybe theres a stubborn part in your body you always wanted to lose. Do mindfulness activities for now work on calming the anxiety and not letting yourself believe all these people you shared with him will desert you too. Lots of love xx</p>March 28, 2020 at 9:47 am #345884
@sammy we were all worried but glad you have such an amazing friend who would risk her own health to ensure your safety. It is going to take time for sure but like @michelle and @shelbyville said for now focus on SURVIVING. The hangover today must be awful but you’re going to her through this
@michelle I didn’t mean your old..I assume your in your 40s if I’m wrong soooooo sorry! Some of my friends the same age as me also are very motherly and mature I’d call them mother hen too if that makes you feel any better. Yes I’m being thoughtful to Jay’s emotions and feelings. Initiating and he has noticed because he said he can’t wait to kiss me again whenever it is that we meet. I felt like a giddy teen. Something to look forward to 🙂
@cb oh chick I’m awfully sorry. If he hasn’t changed his mind over 3 months I’d let him go. You need to heal and ask what it is that hou can do to be happy without him. I don’t think there is anything I can say to make your loss less painful. Maybe he is right people do get stuck together for years and it becomes habitual. Unless both parties work together to keep the spark going and working at the relationship then it will disintegrate. I think you are most likely as is the case for all of us missing the routine, the added benefits of a relationship like companionship and having someone to talk about your day or worries…it’s why you feel lonely. You will find that again and it will be with someone who wouldn’t just walk away that easily. Right now join new activities or clubs and work on things you never got to do whilst in a partnership. Have fun and with passage of time you will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix xxMarch 27, 2020 at 12:50 pm #345772
Wow so much to catch up on but so grateful for the interactions. Yes I’m very lonely but I also like to think I can help someone somewhere whilst in quarantine.
@kkasxo so good to hear from you….i understand how overwhelming it must feel. Claustrophobia is real! Just try and get some fresh air in your garden, balcony or go for daily stroll locally. Yesterday in the uk at 8PM we all saluted and clapped for our doctors and nurses and carers it was such a special feeling as a collective. It is a reminder good still exists. Also feel your emotions. I’ve felt when I get antsy rather than play the thoughts in my head I shake them out.
@adelaide chick it’s so so good to hear you are generally doing ok. I wish I was half as eloquent and clear in my thoughts as you. Uou are doing incredible and I continually admire your strength. I just want to say don’t take it in a bad way but don’t let the heartbreak make you bitter you have a huge capacity to love and even though those who we loved left us don’t let it affect your future relationships in a negative way. Your brother is in love but I’m sure he loves your family too. Family is so important. Lovers come and go. Try repairing it even if you have to be the bigger person. Your ex and acquaintance is understandable. You invested a lot and they showed through their actions that they didn’t care enough. Or else they’d reach out to you too. So good job on cutting the cord. Move forward to making real deep connections.
@michelle I see you as mother hen so to hear you are proud of me made me unbelievably happy. I’m trying I really am. I’m giving Jay space and not being a leach and I’m proactively making more of an effort to checki in on him rather than expecting him to do the legwork so he knows I care. I’m so glad you got back safely and family are all good too. Keep posting I love your input.
@cb I mean I have no words. I went on your page but you have a conversation going with someone so I thought I’d reply here. So so sad to hear about your loss. After 27 years I can not fathom how you feel. I can only say maybe a midlife crisis? You share a son and so much history so I would not give up so easily. Why not let him have his space to rebel if you truly love him. In that time think about what you want. Did he actually fulfil your needs or did it become habitual? Sending warm hugs but I don’t have the experience and I can only say with time our wounds do heal. I really feel for you.
@sammy wow your friends words although if I was to hear back in the early break up days I’d reject and find hard to swallow. I can honestly say now they are very very wise words. Michelle is right keep that friend close as you’ll heal much quicker. For now it is going to ache but you need to feel that pain to move towards recovery… so put down the drink. You are going to battle this and come out stronger. We are all here for you and you are loved and will find real love that will make you look back and smile.
@shelbyville I find you frustrating youre consistently so hard on yourself. Adelaide said it perfectly the way you handle the situation with your ex was amazing. That must have been very difficult knowing you want more. Your insight for Sammy shows you are so much further than you think. Stop dragging yourself down. You have come far we can all see your growth. Focus on your health, fingers crossed it’s not coronavirus. Keep positive. Write down on here, I’d find it an interesting read to see if what we believe about your journey is true.
What have you learnt about yourself ?
What do you want in a future partner?
What do you crave?
In what way do you wish to be loved?
Then have the vision and belief that it will come. Final note only because of my situation with Jay and I and some resemblance I see in your connection with your new friend. The last lunch we had and the good heart to heart recommended by Adelaide was a pivotal changing point in my journey to finding real connections. He told me how I made him feel and it hurt to hear but it made me realise it I care about him I need to address those issues. We are friends on the cusp of a full relationship but without communication it would have broken away completely. I’d have lost a very good person in any form in my life. I suggest you do communicate with your new guy friend about how you felt. If he is as you described you may be surprised and understanding he is. Also any type of relationship is 2 way you have to give and receive.
Love you all xxxx