Forum Replies Created
June 20, 2020 at 4:10 pm #359102
I made a new thread which @Adelaide1 and @michelle contributed on. I only came online to check if @Adelaide had replied and saw this thread. You’re welcome to continue on there as they know your backstory and hopefully they’ll reply, although I will no longer be active on there. @Adelaide1 is usually and may appreciate a different perspective.
I did wonder how you were going which is why before I leave I wanted to reply. I’m in such a healthy and happy relationship now. In Dec last year i was suicidal, lost and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. Then I met my angel Jay. It was a rocky road but we are so happy now. I just want to say, you are doing the right thing chick, don’t look back. The more you use your energy to reminisce about your ex the more deeper you’ll sink back. Throw yourself into activities, focus on you, what did you want to do that you couldn’t? Be strong on your own for a bit. Then get back out there. I’ve been there in an on/off again merry go around relationship which lasted many years. In the end it left me broken, I didn’t realise how much it had chipped away at my self esteem by the end and I was a happy go lucky chick even with anxiety before. The wrong relationships leave you feeling unhappy, unworthy and unwanted. So it is natural to keep going back to try and retrieve it as it comfortable, you had been intimate and rose tinted glasses make you focus on the good bits only. Do you really want to go back and have the thought of when will this end again always in your mind? Most likely he will reach out to you mine always did. But it was for selfish reasons he wanted to always enjoy the perks on his terms. Each time we got back it was me who ended up giving more, he never once changed to meet me half way. I knew even if he proposed he may still leave after because the foundations were not strong. They never are in on/off again relationships. You deserve someone who cares, loves you and is just as excited and willing to put in effort to make your relationship work. I never thought that was out there. I almost let my fears sabotage me from being open again but the right relationship full of affection, love, care and respect will make you think why did I waste so many years chasing something so toxic? Don’t get me wrong I still love that man in my own unique way but I no longer feel that need to go back, the opportunity presented itself and do you know how good it felt to realise I had recovered enough self worth to say no. I do not want to entertain another failed reunion. You had your chance, you had one too many but you never stepped up and now I’m stepping up for myself. Even if I wasn’t with Jay this belief still came to me, it took over a year though.
Don’t give up now, I know you are strong. You have the willpower and the brains to see you deserve so much more than someone’s Crumbs. You deserve the whole loaf!
Volunteer, travel, take up a hobby, pursue the things you missed doing when you were together. Don’t look back or you’ll never move forward. All the best chick! XxxxJune 10, 2020 at 5:05 am #358115
@adelaide1 hey chick you have nothing to be sorry about. It just was a little insensitive and not pleasant to read. @michelle has also given a lot of her time to a lot of people on this thread without even sharing any woes of her own. So things like that make me annoyed when they put across like that. I’m still angry and when I am I can get stubborn so we shall have to see but right now this forum has left a bad taste in my mouth.
You are an amazing awesome chick, reading about your activism and your resilience already shows how much inner strength you have. Use that to conjure up the seld worth and stand up for your love and needs in a relationship too. Do you not deserve the same equality in that? Yes you do! Every human deserves to be loved in a way that makes them feel an equal and that they too are special, bring something to this world. Use your activism energy and challenge it into your relationships. You’ll be more bolder and less willing to take the crap. Self worth is sticking up for yourself. So no point sticking up for the rights of others, if you don’t do right by yourself!! You have all the strength and are a smart cookie! XxxJune 8, 2020 at 11:51 am #357948
I realised I hadn’t been on for few weeks so had to search for this thread!! I saw your other posts so I caught up.
Quick recap of my life ; my sister got into few normal complications but luckily were able to get her stable. I’ll be returning home in few weeks, lockdown will be lifted soon and shops and pubs reopened. Jay and I are doing great. He has a surprise date planned when I go back then a Sunday roast with his parents. I’m excited. He has been incredible.
Onto you chick, I’m so impressed with of your strength to not let this latest knockback not stop you from being the wonderful you that you are. I’m not going to say much but I will not be posting on this thread again. I thought it was a place to vent and help when you can. It disheartened me to read that someone had decided to pick one sentence to summarise our interactions and make it appear like I did not appreciate your help and character. All I can say is I have always been your biggest cheerleader and I’m proud of you. Your self worth is beginning to grow as it should but it has to come from within. Rewiring those negative thoughts. Don’t seek validation in form of others. If you have good people surround yourself with them and you are a very smart cookie and know who is adding substance to your life. Hold onto those people and try just like I did with Jay. Love is a hard rocky road but unless you try and risk it you’ll never really experience it to its fullest. You are one of the rare gems that can love unconditionally so don’t you dare change that and become bitter. Trust in your journey. I believe with your inner strength and willpower you will realise your own worth. If someone is not meeting your needs no matter how much you want it. Walk away, the longer you stay the more it will chip away at you and your self esteem. So start of by yourself, build yourself up and gain confidence in what you have to offer this world. Which is a lot but unless you CHOOSE to believe it, it will never manifest. Then look at the people you choose vs. The ones you ignore. Often the ones you think are best aren’t. With more self worth you’ll realise it. All the best Adelaide. I would have loved to follow your journey to love but this forum has made me feel judged not something I like aso I choose to walk away. GO GO ADELAIDE xxxx
@Michelle you look as awesome as you have been. You are a tomboy :p thanks for all the help with Jay xxxxMay 18, 2020 at 12:24 pm #355776
@adelaide I don’t have the time since getting to my mums its been non stop but I had to reply after I read this during a brief break.
Let me get this out the way, I’m doing well, ecstatic to see my sis after so long so far she’s doing great. Jay and I have ants in pants, things are good but both of us have the urge to see each other now. The care involved with my sister is intense so I will not be on as regularly but will reply when I can. My anxiety is calm still.
@Adelaide reading what you wrote is bittersweet. Naturally we were cheering you on but I feel all is not lost. I’m very proud of you chick because you yourself said it. The progress in getting over your ex! That is huge milestone. So Go Go Adelaide!!!
You have learnt and developed a lot, you realise it’s not your fault or something wrong within you. So self esteem and worth is high chick, keep it going!! It is a case of the other person not being where you are at and emotionally unavailable to be in a relationship. Not your fault at all.
It is sad you went from euphoria to feeling gutted but another positive is you got to overcome any physical intimacy worries. You put yourself out there and really fully risked it. That takes courage and strength and you should cry but tears of happiness at how far you’ve come. My mum always says dating is a numbers game. Some hit the jackpot right away others takes a few lessons so this is just another learning experience so don’t let it set you back.
I feel like I’ve been there but in reverse roles. If you feel that this person is potential then don’t cut contact. Do tske time you need to yourself if its hard to jump into being friends. If I had cut all contact with Jay when I was still pining over my ex then I would have lost the greatest opportunity. Yes I was stupid for not realising what a great man I had right there but healing is a process and Jay proved he was right for me because he stood by me through the worst. Now it’s my turn to repay that patience and be the woman he deserves and meet his needs too. It’s a give and take and requires patience and communication.
My mum has always said the best relationship start off as friends. So give it a go if it’s too hard or not worth it cut your losses and move on. You know you are capable of doing that because look how far you have come since you started posting. Love is not like Hollywood films that they sell us. It is hard work and you need someone who will put the work in with you. Along the way there will be some bumps but the ending will be worth it because you’ll have got exactly what you deserve.
GO GO Adelaide! You’re so awesome, you’ll get back up and enjoy what’s to come!May 10, 2020 at 10:20 am #354304
Came on to say thank you. Maybe one day you’ll both read this. I have turned my life around thanks to this thread. It made a huge difference in my life. I won’t post too much. I did create another thread and you are welcome to join or comment anytime or follow our journey and see what happened. I hope you found your way through too. I just wanted to say thank you for the safe place to release my anxiety and push me to make tough realisations. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness and strength to overcome your issues. Stay Alert 🙂May 10, 2020 at 10:12 am #354302
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you @adelaide and @michelle for being my cheerleaders. I feel so proud too to have come a long way. I will post on @shelbyville thread too maybe one day she will read it. It’s been a journey back in dec I was ready to end it all. This thread kept me going. Anxiety is part of me , being with someone who understands me accepts the most ugly part of me has made me stronger… it’s made me accept it too. You are right its about changing the way you react or behave rather than reinventing yourself. It’s all about the right framing and adjusting your mirrors to see a better reflection of yourself . That’s how Jay puts it. He said it’s all there the confidence, the beauty, the real me and it’s all awesome..he said I just needed to adjust the mirror like you do in the car so I could see it too. He is just my angel. I can’t wait. I’m excited.</p>
Just another update but my ex contacted me again. Saying he missed me. I read it and deleted without replying. I did love that man so hard, I spent 5 years loving him hard and there were some magical moments but I don’t want it anymore. I’ve moved on and really believe theres more I deserve. This shows my confidence has really improved before I used to cry I’ll never find it again. But the on and off again was draining and to have a steady slow simmering relationship beats that. I do feel like I’ve fallen for Jay but I am going to keep it slow and steady because it’s healthy and its keeping my anxiety more calmer. No toxicity. Wow it was so empowering to not be sucked back into the vortex of my ex. Ok enough about men. I’m going HOMEeeee! Stay Alert? Lol.
I’ll try come on once I’m settled. But keep posting xx
Love lots XxMay 9, 2020 at 8:38 am #354172
So the UK lockdown is just ongoing. Tomorrow we get some guidance from our crappy PM. The amount of time I’ve been in lockdown and without any exposure I was faced with a difficult choice;
1. Jay asked if I feel comfortable coming to his if we are allowed to extend our social bubble from mon. This really was an option as I’ve been talking to him and his parents more reg and feel good/calm now.
2. I miss my mum and sister and my mum keeps saying it’s safe to come stay if I’ve been inside all this time.
I was so torn, anxiety was starting to creep in do I go home or to Jay’s. I want to see my family I’ll regret it if something happened to my sister and I didn’t get any quality time with her. So I’m just packing my things for at least a month and will be heading south finally. Which means I will not be on here for a while. I just want quality time with my sister, her care is demanding and I want to ease my mum. I will come back on when things are more settled so keep posting.
I was anxious to tell Jay but that man is amazing. He said to take all the time I need and he was going to be there when I’m back. He said he understood and not to worry about what he thought, focus on your family. I cried, happy relieved tears.I have never met someone so understanding and supportive. Those pesky thoughts of why me? You are amazing and could have anyone? Why not someone else who isn’t a mess? creep in but the more I talk to him, the more they are disappearing he has given me reassurance when needed and I don’t want to be a drain and let those pesky thoughts ruin me from enjoying things. Now I cut this line of thought and say he chose me and I deserve the love I’ve wanted all along. I didn’t get it before but now I’m getting it returned, I deserve that. Everyone deserves that. Today he also sent flowers to take home for them. I can’t wait to go home and tell my mum and sister all about him and this new beginning. I feel proud and have you chicks to thank. I have decided to surprise facetime him with my mum and sister because he knows I haven’t mentioned him much so it will make him feel more engaged/inclusive in my life and I’ll send his parents something too , I want him to feel appreciated just like he does for me. I finally gave turned a corner. My anxiety would often leave me feeling drained but I know now it’s a part of me, I will always get the churning sensation when I feel loss of control, fear but i kick it to the curb rather than let it overcome me. I feel calmer.
Soz about the long message.
@adelaide I can’t tell you how excited I am for you too. Your new relationship seems to he growing from strength to strength. Good communication and reciprocity makes such a world of difference. So glad you are made to feel comfortable about the physical aspect and reassured when you need. Just keep the give and take going and it will be the love story of lockdown!! You must be so excited for your first date in person!! Keep posting and I will reply when I can.
@michelle thank you mother hen! I can’t wait to read up on your travel adventures again!
Catch you soon chicks! XxxMay 5, 2020 at 6:10 pm #353462
@medini thanks for your contribution and self promo. I hope we do all enjoy the journey of happiness.
Yes uk response is backwards we were still able to get takeaways yet I see you are only just beginning to have that privilege. Crazy. Sadly uk deaths are the worst in EU.
Your new relationship sounds quite perfect this far. An equal balance of give and take. It’s nice you are doing things and sending things to each other. It makes you feel so much more secure when it is expressed. Just enjoy it without letting any niggly neg thoughts control you.
@michelle I feel odd lately like all my anxiety I used to face in different areas of my life has startlingly settled. Even with Jay I feel i no longer stress about have I left enough distance am I getting to close all things which are irrelevant and stop you from enjoying each other properly. I asked him to introduce me to his parents and he was taken aback. He suggested we facetime first (prob didnt want me to panic) and it was wonderful seeing the two people who created such a great man. He looks identical to his dad. His mum is so lovely too and they’ve invited me around for Sunday roast on first weekend I’m available after lockdown eases. Everything lately feels calm. I really have this forum and you awesome chicks to thank. So thank you very very very very very much.
@Michelle I really hope your travel predictions are true because I get quite excited thinking about travelling with Jay something my ex was too much of a scrooge to consider!April 30, 2020 at 8:42 am #352272
I don’t get called smart much so thanks! Yes I’m better it was a blimming uti but the antibiotics did the trick. Actually preferred this method of consultation with the gp instead of having to make a trip to the surgery which always gives me anxiety. I hate waiting rooms. Fills me with dread another place where anxiety will escalate if I’m unwell too. Cf is difficult so much of her life is been lived in modified manner so to be on lockdown without any sense of freedom is taking its toll on her mentally now. Boris is out so some sense of captaincy may resume. The whole thing has been rubbishly handled.
I can understand the extra measures people are taking.
Jay is planning another one I kind of like having no control and being surprised. It’s making me grow in sense of letting go of controlling everything. I appreciate your cheerleading me on. I sometimes think in dec if I didn’t come on here where would I be?
I feel for once the anxiety is in a way flat lining in a good way. The spikes of emotion are calming. Does that even make any sense??
@adelaide how are you chick?? I bet you are out of lockdown. Nz did a fantastic job. Dont forget about us entirely do come on and let us know how you are doing.
@Michelle do you think with the airlines going bust travelling is also not likely anymore?April 25, 2020 at 10:58 am #351550
I’m still not feeling well, think it may be a uti as the pain is going into my back now. I have a video call booked with my gp on mon.
To answer your question as to why I’m keeping in a bubble. Well because I want to see my family asap. I miss my mum and little sister so much and if I go out and this virus is in the air I don’t want to risk being a carrier without symptoms and then going to see my sister who has CF and causing her an infection which could really be deadly for her. This way as soon as lockdown is over I’m going to see them first. I know I talk about Jay mainly but I have others I’m talking to and family too over video calls etc. I’m enjoying being at home, I’ve got used to it. Jay ordered contactless takeaways via uber eats and we streamed a musical then did a tik tok dance challenge. It was fun but I’m feeling unwell still. So if I go quiet its because i just dont have the energy to type.
I bet your mum and dad appreciated the call a lot too. That’s a long stretch without them. Do you have plans you’re making for once this is all over?
@Adelaide the UK’s response has been rubbish. NZ has a good leader so I do envy you!
Your iso dates are going so well. Just enjoy the moment and the pesky anxiety will ease. Look how different it is already you have someone who is paying attention to what you like,need etc putting in the effort so enjoy it without overthinking it.
Keep going chick you’ve done major work on you in a short space of time ! XxApril 22, 2020 at 7:31 am #351058
@michelle I don’t think it’s anxiety. O feel the same though. Nauseous and twisty stomach.
I haven’t stepped outside the house for weeks now only to put the rubbish out. I’ve been living in a bubble. I did enjoy my runs and chants so will pick it up again when this is all over.
I love it when the parents attempt video call for the first time it’s such a funny experience!
Mentoring? I would love to be able to to do something so fulfilling. It must be worrying though when someone hangs on your every word. Don’t worry I’m quite good at making my own decisions but need a little steer in the right direction sometimes. Jay took the decision well. And he is plotting an ISO date. So I will keep you two in the loop!
@adelaide where are you based? The uk lockdown is a ongoing. Extended further and no end in sight. The death rates are also climbing. So much lack of direction I feel and mistakes to those working in our hospitals and risking their lives!
At least you are dealing with your grief and unlabeled feelings now. You are learning and wanting to change so keep going! Enjoy the icecream/pj date! So so proud of you chick for pushing through your fears and how you are now passing on the great advice of no contact to help your friends! It feels good doesn’t it when someone else can learn from your own struggles.April 19, 2020 at 10:34 pm #350602
@michelle Mr S and your 20th anniversary sounds perfect. Lovely to hear happy news and you had a special day. One to remember even more considering you were in lockdown!
I don’t think I phrased it properly, I value your opinion but I do whatever I feel is right at the end. I have already decided to not push ahead because I’m not ready to dive into something or stress about discussing boundaries. I want it to be special and not in lockdown.
The getting creative with iso dates is definitely something I’ll take on board. We did have a quiz on Zoom with a few of his friends a week ago which was nice and no pressure as I have already met them before.
The ice cream pj party sounds right up my street. I could so something along those lines surprise Jay. I think a bit of distance does makes it more romantic when you finally do meet. I’ve felt more giddy with Jay in early phases then I did with my ex who I saw daily!
@adelaide your flat mates suicide is not anything to be minimised. Pushing grief away or not dealing with it leads to bigger problems so if you want to talk about it on here. We will support you. And yes you should be proud of yourself you’ve done a lot of self assessment and most of all taken action to change your choices to lead to a more fulfilling life for yourself and better connections. You should be proud!!
I’ve been feeling very poorly last few days. My stomach is churning and I feel nauseated but can’t be sick. I don’t know if it’s a bug or my anxiety. I do miss my mum and sister a lot too. This is the longest I’ve gone without them. The more lockdown is extended the more claustrophobic I’m feeling. I dont want to unleash this on Jay he puts up with enough of my down days. So I’m just releasing my worries on here.April 19, 2020 at 5:36 am #350482
Hey Michelle and Adelaide ,
I’m feeling a bit poorly. Stomach bug I think so don’t have energy. Did read both and thanks for advice. I’ll reply once I’m back on my feet. XxApril 17, 2020 at 8:22 am #350042
@adelaide sometimes I read what you write over again as it is so well written and you are so so astute and aware!
Yes control is the problem, just need to let it go and live. The thing is I am enjoying the moment but I’m limiting the moments if that makes sense. He suggested he comes over to mine because he knows I don’t want to come to his parents, now that the lockdown has further been extended further he joked he would come under the rule he was escaping an argumentative environment and going to stay with a friend as apparently that’s allowed under the guidelines. I told him off though and said he shouldn’t joke about that as unfortunately there are people in abusive homes stuck in lockdown with their abusive partners. He went a bit subdued over facetime. Another case of foot in mouth for me! We were fine later that evening though so that’s good otherwise I think my anxiety would have tortured me all night.
I am considering it but don’t know if I’m ready to jump straight into living with each other.
Your Iso date (I love that term too!) Wowee! Sounds like it went perfectly. Definitely cheering you on. Michelle can be the mascot if she is tom boyish! I’ll take the pom poms and skirt. Or t shirts it is. GO adelaide GO! You deserve this chick..but just busy yourself and you’ll be one step further in this new adventure. I’m so glad to read she made contact again too – see you are awesome believe in yourself chick! Double woo hoo! What’s remarkable is you’ve moved on, well done on recognising you deserve a relationship which meets your needs and you don’t have to waste time pining over something which wasnt for you. It was nice of your ex, if you are fine with cordial and it doesn’t affect you in anyway than you can keep contact open and reply cordially. However, this is the perfect time to cut the cord and remove contact completely that way if something doesn’t go your way in other aspects of your life you are not tempted to go back there because it feels comfortable and safe. That can take you all the way back to square 1 and undo all the hard work in moving on. An ex is an ex for a reason. That is why I got my ex to block me so I never felt tempted. It worked! Now Im in a much more fulfilling almost rship with Jay. Someone who I initially messed around and neverbthought I’d be at this stage but when someone gets you it beats everything!
It is a great you don’t need to be sucked into a conversation with your flirty acquaintance for a short term ego boost. That is an achievement too, you starting to see your own value and you don’t need that type of attention, you recognise that you want genuine connections and people in your inner circle who care about you and get you. So much progress Adelaide,!!!
I’m thinking of you too after reading about your friends suicide…its such a great loss and harder for those left behind. I hope you are coping with that ok today. You’re welcome to post on here and chat further if you need company today.
@michelle —— HAPPY 20th Anniversary. Wow that is two decades. Your partner is lucky to have such a wonderful person. Hopefully you had a great day celebrating even if we are under lockdown. What did you do?
I cant imagine you ever being needy, but look at you now celebrating 20 years, definitely inspirational. You are right, Jay is a very good presence in my life. I can be unashamedly myself so I need to work on pushing myself to break the barriers further so I can really let go and be free of the shackles of anxiety and enjoy the whole relationship and my life blossoming.
@michelle what do you think about Jay staying at mine..I’m kind of nervous by what it would mean intimately. Would he have expectations and if I wasn’t ready would he feel knocked back. When stuck together in lockdown that would cause issues that I really need currently. Then the carefree old me wants to just jump right in and see what happens. What would you do?April 14, 2020 at 7:58 am #349404
Omg michelle I’m so happy to hear your good news! Now you should you can really take life by the horns and continue your exciting travel adventures when this lockdown finally ends! The relief was must be a lot. Put a smile in my face to hear your good news.
In relation to Jay you hit the nail on the head.i feel if I cease control I will lose control if my anxiety but at the same time I just want to let go of myself and be carefree like I was before my ex. It’s just getting that pesky balance. We do communicate honestly thats the major difference in this rship. I never knew how much healthier it is to just be honest with one another. If it’s the right person they’ll stick by you just like Jay has. I need to keep reminding myself that and be more self assured and not harsh on myself which kills my own self esteem. It’s just so often because he is so great in so many aspects I feel like what is he doing with me ? I just can’t shake that enough. I do want a full relationship with him. Part of reason I’m keeping him at bay even though I desperately want to talk to him day and night is I feel this is perfect time to work on my issues then when its lifted I can really show him what I can offer him. Present my best version to him. I do need to be careful I don’t keep too much gap between the interactions as I don’t want to sent mixed signals or make him feel like I did last time. It really hurt hearing how he felt. Well there it is another day in the mind of Genie! Hope everyone is enjoying the weather and had lots of eggs at least this weekend gone x