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Recently, I’ve quit drinking and doing drugs. I have realized I was using them to cover up how I was really feeling about a relationship I ended, after 6 years. The guy I was dating had multiple relationships, with girls much younger then us (still in high school, we were together from 18 yrs old – 24 yrs old). He was mentally abusive, and controlling beyond words. He belittled me in every way possible, but for some reason, I stayed. I lost the strong, independent person I was and became this needy for attention, lonely, depressed girl whose entire world was a man who had others on the side. AND, I was finding out, he wasn’t even admitting to these girls we were dating.. Rather, we had broken up or I was this “crazy girl”.. I turned into this jealous, rage-filled person.. Who wasn’t me.. I was always sure of myself and happy, never jealous in previous relationships..
I turned to drugs and partying. Drank every possible minute, getting high was my favorite release.. Now, I’ve chosen to lead a healthier lifestyle (occasional glass of wine here, and there), started reading self help books and have started to heal. However, the emotions that flood back with all this healing is overwhelming. I’ve never been an overly emotional person – I’ve hidden from the way I feel because I was always made to feel it was wrong, or stupid. I know that forgiving, and letting go are a big part in healing oneself, but some days it’s too much and it’s exhausting.
I’m afraid to let go of my ex, I want him in my life even though I know I can’t move forward when I’m still holding onto the past. He’s got a new girlfriend, and it hurts every time I see him post something about the two of them (I haven’t unfollowed him and his family to try to prevent this as much as possible). I hate that he’s happy, I’m jealous of his happiness. I want it so bad. I don’t want to give him the ability to tear my whole world apart, but I feel like that’s what he has done.
I’m afraid to open myself up to someone else. I don’t trust anyone. I’m so incredibly terrified of getting hurt. I know I need to let go of these feelings to be happy. To find someone. To love myself. But the pain is just over whelming.
Can anyone offer any advice? Any self help books? Feeling lost is so terrifying.
Dear Sarah,
The emotions you’re feeling is overwhelming. But like any storms, this storm of emotions will also calm down with time. You need to take shelter in yourself while this is happening. You sound like you already know what to do. It’s just the actual doing it that’s difficult. I can see the brighter days ahead of you. How do I know? You’ve gained awareness in your actions and their effects. You’re facing it head on now. It’s hard. They don’t say “no pain, no gain” for no reasons. My heart is with you. You can do this. You’re on the right path. Please be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. Keep focus on building a stronger foundation in yourself. Keep focusing in reading self-help books. Keep talking to us here. The more you do for yourself, the less everything else matters (like what your ex is doing with his life).
You will begin to see things in different light, with different attitudes. You can love yourself more and more each day. I am with you.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.