Forum Replies Created
March 9, 2019 at 7:53 am #283793
Happy Saturday Jay!
Yes, they really are quite selfish. I think I just gave those friends the benefit and looked passed the selfishness.
The friend I stood my ground to wrote back to me last night, and I’ll be honest, I wasn’t quite impressed with the response. However, that’s her truth, not my own. Instead of trying to see where I was coming from, she made it very much about herself, and how she feels about me. She told me, I am braggy about my relationship – which I don’t see that I am, but something to work on. If anything, I think I feel confident and secure, which is something that perhaps she isn’t used to seeing. I’m proud of the work I’ve done within myself, and in doing so, has led me to a very understanding and loving partner. If anything, that comment has made me more aware of how I am coming across when talking about my relationship. I’m still undecided if this friendship is something I’d like to put work into, or if it’s one I’d like to wave goodbye to. Which is never easy, for either party. It’s like a break up, isn’t it?
I think people nowadays are sensitive, which is okay, but they listen to respond instead of listen to really listen. I’ve caught myself doing that.
Hope you enjoy your day, wherever you are in the world, Jay!
SarahMarch 7, 2019 at 2:58 pm #283539
YES! Goodness, do I ever understand that. Our friendships transition, just as much as we do throughout life, I totally get that! Not to say that all friendships don’t have a place within the transitions of our lives, but perhaps, our priorities change. While I was a young adult, I chose to be single and my friends were #1. Now, that I’ve found someone whose wonderful and I see a future with, my friends aren’t my top priority. I think the people I would be okay with losing are those who don’t support me and the choices (good choices) that I make. I’ve worked hard to become who I am, and hard to get to where I am in life. I don’t want the added “weight” I guess you could say, the add weight of people and their dark grey clouds. I’ll be honest, I feel much better after standing my ground with my one friend – I think she has some hurt feelings, and I’m okay with her being upset with me. It was much needed, and you know what I’m coming to terms with? Real friends may be upset that you stand up for yourself, but they’ll thank you, also. It’s hard to see yourself in a mirror, like the REAL you, deep down, not the physical you. It’s hard to have someone tell you that you may not be behaving like your best self. It’s happened me, and it’s awful, but you know what? I grew from it. I made changes, I became more mindful of how I was behaving and treating those I cared about.
Thank you – I haven’t beat my depression, per say, it’s always a work in progress. However, I do what I can do manage it. I meditate, I do yoga, I listen to my body/mind and what it needs from me. I don’t know that I’ll ever be rid of my depression an anxiety, but I’m definitely trying my best to work alongside it.
You’re absolutely right. I want nothing more than to fill my friends and family with my light, and love. I think I need to stop worrying about what everyone elses expectations are of me, and start putting the expectations I have of myself, first.
It is nice to connect with you, and I value the words you’ve written. You’ve been a great help – just listening, and offering words of guidance.
SarahMarch 5, 2019 at 12:57 pm #283167
Thank you for your advice, and kind words. I love the community here! As I said to JayJay, it’s nice to get the “it’s okay that you’re feeling this way” from someone else.
The friend who walks all over me, well yesterday, I decided to send out a message, telling her I didn’t like the way she treated me and that I’d really appreciate her being mindful of how she is saying things, that, malicious or not, it’s hurtful and I don’t appreciate it. I’m not sure she was very accepting
I want to live a happy life, and have it filled with uplifting people – people who want the same things as I do – to be happy, and provide light to this world.
Misery loves company, I suppose. I’ve always struggled with putting myself, and my feelings first so it’s been a journey the last few months. I’ve really realized who in my life is happy for my advances, and who are.. jealous? I don’t want to say jealous in a way to inflate my ego, but maybe wishing their lives were a little different.
I’ve worked hard to get to where I am – I used to be a very unhappy and depressed person. I don’t want to go back down that road again (Not that there is anything wrong with being depressed) It’s just that I’ve done a lot of soul searching, a lot of growing and I want to continue growing – even if that means, some of my friendships don’t come along with me. I want to be able to say goodbye, wish them well, and maybe reconnect when things align better. Does that make sense?
Love and Light – SMarch 5, 2019 at 12:41 pm #283157
You’re absolutely right, it HAS been a long time since I’ve put myself first. I don’t want to come across as the victim by any means, but I definitely allow people to take advantage of me, and for what? I don’t know why I allow it. Perhaps, I’m afraid of not having any friends? Or that someone would be mad at me? No, I know for sure that is part of the reason, that someone would be mad at me. I’m trying, really trying to put down some boundaries. I find the greatest struggle is how to deal with the resistance, you know what I mean?
As for the friend who walks all over me – I sent her a very well thought out message outlining the way she made me feel, that I’d appreciate if she would be more mindful in her words when speaking with me. That, perhaps, she just doesn’t realize the way she is coming across. I want to learn to stick up for myself, and not have to be rude about it (I was in no means rude to her) but let people know, “Hey, I will not tolerate treatment like this from you, or anyone”
As for my room mate, who knows, maybe she would be understanding and be happy for me! I might just be making it a bigger issue in my head. However, before she left this last time, she told me I abandoned her the month she was home (at Christmas, might I add – I work two jobs, I have divorced parents, and my boyfriends family – so needless to say, the holidays are quite busy). I tried to include her as much as I could, but was also busy living my life, as I have to when she goes away for months at a time. Aren’t we all looking for the same thing? To love and be loved – to find someone to spend our forever with, and start a family? I’m always so happy when my friends find their ‘person’.
Thank you for your wisdom and words. Sometimes, it’s getting the “it’s okay to feel this way” from someone makes a world of a difference.
Love and light – SMarch 5, 2019 at 12:31 pm #283155
Hi Jill, & Welcome! I hope you enjoy the community that Tiny Buddha has!
I struggle with saying, no. I always have. I hate disappointing people, even if it means I put myself on the back burner.
I agree with what you’re saying though, would I be okay with a friend being treated this way? Absolutely not. I’d likely tell them, stick up for yourself! Isn’t it easy giving the advice, yet, always difficult to take the same advice. I need to start living life for myself, and not others.
Thank you for reaching it! =)August 26, 2016 at 11:57 am #113347
Thanks for responding.. I did feel complete when I met this guy. I had made just progress in self love, seeing a therapist and not really looking for love. I may have been overly nice to him, but that’s just who I am. I’m a nice person, who likes to do nice things for people and remind them that I care deeply for them. I truly, truly adored this person, and wanted him to know that. I didn’t want him to ever question my feelings for him. I, however, didn’t get that from him after about 6 weeks of being together. That’s when things changed, and now that I’ve had some time to reflect, I should’ve clued in then but I just really liked him. I questioned my worth though, I deserve more than someone looking elsewhere, I deserve someone who will fight for a relationship and not go running somewhere else when things get tough.
I really don’t know what I’m supposed to be learning from all this though. My heart hurts, and I’m constantly questioning if I’ve done something that has made someone want to treat me this way. Why someone would want to cheat?August 23, 2016 at 5:38 pm #113094
Don’t waste your time trying to figure out what is wrong with him. Take this as a blessing, even though I know it’s hard to see the sun through all the clouds… You are deserving of a much deeper love and connection. As much as we crave closer, some times it doesn’t help, and at the end of the day, what can he possibly say to make you feel better? Look deep within yourself and love yourself. KNOW, you are strong enough to get through this and not go back to someone who was not deserving of you and the love you give. Chances are, if he is a sociopath, it wont matter if you tell him how he’s made you feel, they don’t take accountability for how they make others feel. Don’t give him that much power over you and your feelings.
Get back to you. Find out what makes you happy, meditate, concentrate on the positive things in life, surround yourself with those who do truly love you. YOU are worthy of so much more.
light & love.
<3July 28, 2014 at 12:28 pm #61978
Thank you for your advice and kind words, Marilyn.
My friend is seeking help professionally. Seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I’m just not sure how much help they are – or how much she is willing to open up to them.
I’m a strong believer in mind over matter – help yourself before someone else can help you. I’m at a loss with her, and I find that it is easier for me to pull away, then to actually put myself in a situation where she needs my “advice” or shoulder to lean on. I’ve offered help such as self help books (which I read continuously when I am feeling lost or down) but there always seems to be a reason as to why they won’t help.
I feel like a terrible person for feeling the way I do, but my happiness seems strained some days.February 7, 2014 at 8:31 pm #50531
Does not having him in your life make you anxious because you don’t think you could live without him? Or because you don’t know what you’d do without him? Don’t hold your breath, Courageous. Even if he had some sort of “reasoning” as to why he did the things he did, it wouldn’t make you feel any better – and it probably wouldn’t be the truth. He’d somehow turn it on you. He cheated on you, with this lady. Now is cheating, emotionally, on her with you. Do you see the cycle here? He’s a manipulator and a serial cheater. Guys like that thrive off of a womans attention; especially more then one at a time. He’s got his cake, and he loves the idea of having you there- even with all the pain you caused and continues to cause you. In his eyes, you forgive him for everything he’s done – and he could continue to do it because you have him around.
I’ve been in this vicious circle, with an ex. He cheated on me for 6 years. I had no self esteem, he was my ‘reason for living’ as I thought it. I thought I’d die not having him in my life. Finally, I got fed up with the way he treated me and the constant cheating, that I had enough. I got to a point where I loved myself more then I loved him. Which should have always been the case. We should always know our worth, and know that we deserve more then to be second best, to be manipulated, to be taken advantage because we are good, and kind people. I broke up with him, it was a rough while.. I turned to alcohol and partying. I finally turned to yoga and meditation, I started to love myself again and forgive him. FORGIVE but not forget, he is a constant reminder of what I’ve gone through, and how I am the person I am today – strong, independent, loving, kind and able to be myself without judgement..
I promise the worst thing in the world wouldn’t be not having him in your life, you’d survive. And I pray that you learn this sooner then later, so you can go on with the rest of your life and be able to enjoy it! I promise it’ll get better and when you realize that you’re worth more then any of this, it’ll be easier to close that chapter of your life, with no regrets and an open heart.February 7, 2014 at 1:08 pm #50518
May I ask what you’re afraid of, if you were to stick up for yourself? Are you afraid of him being mad at you, that possibly he’d remove himself from your life?
Don’t take this too harshly, but truly he would be doing you the favor. You’re allowed to be mad at him for treating you the way he does. If you love someone, you don’t want to control them, you want them to blossom and grow into the best person they can be.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they will.December 20, 2013 at 2:39 pm #47192
First of all, I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through right now, it’s never a fun thing to go through.
Breathe. Remember, you deserve more then to be ignored and being made to feel like you’re the problem. You aren’t the problem. I went through a wonderfully terrible relationship (and break up) where I was always wrong, even when it was clear my ex had made a giant mistake. I found that the more I was blamed for things that weren’t my fault, the more control my ex had over my feelings. He manipulated situations in his favor; for instance, me not trusting him was NOT because he was lying about other girls, but because previous ex boyfriends had cheated.
I know its heart breaking to think he could be ignoring you after so long, and please don’t take this as me being insensitive.. But count that as your blessing. He’s taking the easy way out.. Why should you settle for someone who doesn’t give you the respect you deserve? I think he’s missing out big time.
Go on and live your life, once the pain stops and you start to repair the hole in your heart… Trust me, you’ll be thinking what a waste of tears this guy was.
Don’t forget your worth.December 19, 2013 at 10:19 pm #47153
First things first wishluck, if he left you girl.. You don’t want him. You want someone who accepts you fully for the person you are; you don’t need to make any changes for a guy. Make them for yourself. Sometimes, not knowing the reason for the break up, you find out in the long run is better then knowing.
You don’t want a chance with him, you’ll realize that one day. The only advice I can give you is a quote from Chuck Palahniuk..
‘That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.’
Go on and live your life for YOU. Even though I don’t believe in revenge, as much as I do karma.. Living your life the way you want, really does drive people crazy. I hope you come to realize your worth, wishluck. Know that you are much too beautiful of a person to settle for less then you deserve. And you, do not deserve someone who picks up and walks away without any explanation.December 19, 2013 at 10:14 pm #47152
Thank you so much Danielle. Hearing it from your point of view, by being on both sides, it gives me a different perspective of how I could be coming across to people.
These are the best responses I could ask for. Who knew that one website could bring people together to offer support from all different areas of the world.
I hope for you in this relationship that he begins to let go of the past, as I am trying. I know it’s not easy, but I’m giving it my best shot!December 19, 2013 at 10:10 pm #47151
I am so very sorry for the heart ache you are going through. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. Please know that you deserve much much more out a relationship..
My dear friend always says to me, “right now you have an ex boyfriend shaped hole in your heart, and eventually, one day that hole will shrink, and be filled with memories with someone else who is much more worthy of yourself” I really do believe that. Even though it’s 2.5 years later, and that hole doesn’t feel to have gotten any smaller; I know it has. The easiest way to let go of someone, is to fully let go. Start over. Get rid of things that remind you of him, delete his facebook, his twitter, and his number out of your phone.. Even those tiny social media connections; even though they seem so large… and heart breaking, it will be a bit easier to start your healing process. I actually had to have my best friend delete my ex bf off of my twitter account for me, because I was terrified to make that “break”.. It’s also freeing in a way.
I am sending you all my love, my support and positive vibes to you, Shelli. And know, you aren’t alone.December 19, 2013 at 10:04 pm #47149
You’re right Tony, things don’t always go as hoped.
I saw my life laid out in front of me, and when I finally came to terms with the truth of the relationship; I was heart broken. It’s been 2 and a half years since my break up, so I’m hoping one day that I’ll be able to open my heart to someone and be vulnerable.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, I’m feeling better by reading all of these.