Home→Forums→Relationships→Emotional Rollercoaster & Needing Closure
- This topic has 46 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.
August 23, 2016 at 11:16 am #113086
I dated a man off and on over the last 14 months who I FELT I loved and loved me but he took me on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life through the entire thing. Burning hot and then Ice Cold….off and on… over and over. It’s been two weeks since I have spoke to him. And he has only sent me two generic texts since which I did not respond to. I have decided I HAVE to finally leave him alone or he will continue to make me miserable. I am TRYING to move on with my life as I know this “relationship” is not healthy. I have been doing well with my not attempting to reach out and I have deleted him from my phone but I have this overwhelming need for closure. And even though I know I shouldn’t want to I am almost scared that I will never speak to him again and I will never be able to express to him how much he has hurt me. At this point I don’t even know that he cares if he did?! I am trusting in GOD that he will see me through this. Some days the pain is crippling because I thought this would be the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know what the future holds for he and I. If we will ever speak again and if I can ever even be his friend or if I should even want to. I am a good person with a huge heart. I never did anything to hurt him and I can’t wrap my brain around why he continually hurt me seemingly without any real remorse. I refuse to be a glutton for punishment and keep breaking my own heart though.
I have done ALOT of research on personality disorders trying to understand if he is just a cruel person or if he is a certified sociopath. I actually think he has sociopathic tendencies. He is EXTREMELY charming and a giver (money but not time) and a provider. He was extremely sexual but not necessary in an intimate way (he refused to French kiss?) but would make eye contact during “relations”. I have done so much research I think I am done with that part. I KNOW it was him and not me (although he did try to blame a lot on me and make me think things were my fault that I was too clingy/needy etc). At this point I am trying to move on and make MYSELF better so that I would never allow anyone to treat me this way again. I just HATE the fact that I still care deeply for someone who hurt me so bad. I want to forget all about it but EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I still secretly wish he would change and we could be together and live happily ever after. I have BEGGED GOD to either remove him from my mind or completely change him and bring him back to me. It’s almost like I have Stockholm syndrome I LOVE and identify with my torturer. Can anyone give me any advice on my need for closure? I though about calling when he was asleep and leaving a voicemail or writing a letter? Although I WISH he would just be honest and tell me what the hell is the problem and why he treated me to bad half the time. I don’t necessarily feel I need a reply from him but I just need to tell him how all of this has made me feel and how terribly he has hurt me. Again, I don’t even know if he would care but I just want him to know. Ugh….. Please pray for me that I will stay strong and hold out for the love that I deserve. Thank you and GOD bless you all who are hurting as well.
ButterflyAugust 23, 2016 at 2:31 pm #113091Alien incident47Participant
Do not dwell on the could haves or should halves
Look for what could be and look in your self , He was a lesson learned and not to be dwelleducated upon , it will only be more self harm to do so . Move on and do things to make you happy. And take careAugust 23, 2016 at 5:38 pm #113094SarahParticipant
Don’t waste your time trying to figure out what is wrong with him. Take this as a blessing, even though I know it’s hard to see the sun through all the clouds… You are deserving of a much deeper love and connection. As much as we crave closer, some times it doesn’t help, and at the end of the day, what can he possibly say to make you feel better? Look deep within yourself and love yourself. KNOW, you are strong enough to get through this and not go back to someone who was not deserving of you and the love you give. Chances are, if he is a sociopath, it wont matter if you tell him how he’s made you feel, they don’t take accountability for how they make others feel. Don’t give him that much power over you and your feelings.
Get back to you. Find out what makes you happy, meditate, concentrate on the positive things in life, surround yourself with those who do truly love you. YOU are worthy of so much more.
light & love.
<3August 23, 2016 at 8:12 pm #113106AnonymousGuest
This is how I see your situation, and let me know if I am correct: one reason why it is so difficult for you to let go of this man is that you are still hoping, part of you is waiting for him and hoping.
The title of your thread is “emotional rollercoaster and needing closure”- the thing is, if this relationship was a rollercoaster in a theme park, you are still hanging around the theme park, waiting for the rollercoaster to be functioning again so you can get on it.
You want to tell him how much he hurt you, I believe, because you are still hoping that if you do tell him, that he will care and make it all better: change and be there for you consistently and reliably.
The closure you need is you closing the door on your own hope, no longer hoping and waiting for him.
anitaAugust 24, 2016 at 10:18 am #113138
@ Alien Accident…. Thank you for your reply!August 24, 2016 at 10:18 am #113139
Thank you for your positive message. Yes I am worth much more. I have to remember that.August 24, 2016 at 10:19 am #113140
You are correct part of me DID. But I know I can’t keep hoping. It won’t change him. I am moving on. Thank you.August 24, 2016 at 10:20 am #113141
UGH!!! So I was doing so good with not responding to his generic texts (which before I would have). So this morning he sent me three texts being mean….something he hasn’t really done before. He actually said “don’t bother to reply, I don’t care that much.” as the last an final text. That hurt even though it shouldn’t. My friend said he only said that because he is actually hurt that I have been ignoring his texts. But Now I am stressed out again. I added him back in my contacts just so I could block is number again. I am afraid of if and what he will send next. I am just confused, if he doesn’t give a damn about me (STILL NO ACTUAL calls just 5 texts messages in three weeks). WHY bother being mean now?? I have to be honest I REALLY wanted to fire back at him and say how can you be upset with me because I pulled a YOU on You?? You frequently ignored me in our relationship so YOU caused me to now ignore you and now you want to ATTACK me for it? Please I don’t want us to be enemies. I just want it to be over amicacably if that’s possible. Should I just keep him blocked and ignore his tirades? Or respond by saying there is no needs to be mean and vicious. Lets just part ways without all the negativity? Thanks!
ButterflyAugust 24, 2016 at 10:37 am #113144AnonymousGuest
Why respond to his: “don’t bother to reply, I don’t care that much” text? His text is not an honest, respectful invitation to communicate. On its surface it looks like a non invitation but as it affected you so far, it seems like his text worked as an invitation to communicate because you are considering responding.
Maybe that was his intention, to tell you “don’t bother to reply” so to motivate you to reply.
Want to reward his dishonesty and manipulation as I think is in his texting you? This is an invitation to get on the rollercoaster.
Do block him and get out of the theme park I mentioned earlier, this is my advice.
anitaAugust 24, 2016 at 10:41 am #113146
Thank you. I now that’s what he wants but it just kills me that he has to be so mean about it. BUT He is blocked! I am exiting the theme park. I just wish I could get a refund!! As the cost was very (emotionally) expensive and not worth it!! Thank you.
ButterflyAugust 24, 2016 at 10:48 am #113148AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. I wish you got a refund (good point!) I wish we all got refunds when injustice happens to us, as is so often the case.
Excellent point in wishing you could get a refund. I suppose there is an attachment you have to the fact that you already invested so much in him and it is hard to move away with nothing to show for all your caring and investment, is it so for you?
Let’s say you are literally in a theme park and the single rollercoaster ride there made you sick 100 times in a row. Each time you feel dizzy and you vomit. But you stay in the park because you didn’t get your money value yet. You are waiting for the ride to be enjoyable so you can justify the $20 spent for entry fee.
There is no refund, unfortunately, so do you stay in the park, getting on the ride yet again in hope that this time you will not get sick?
Or cut your losses and prevent more loss by… leaving.
anitaAugust 24, 2016 at 11:14 am #113150
You are absolutely right. The ride made me SICK too many times. Although I enjoyed some things overall the entire VISIT for the last 14 months was more DOWNS then UPS and he does not deserve to waste any more of my precious time. I have to chalk it up as a loss and know that I will NEVER visit a “place” like that again. I just wish he would stop texting me and trying to bait me into a pointless conversation. He is SO immature to be so old. It’s crazy what people resort to. SMDH… Thank you again!! It is great to be able to vent to someone with common sense then to entertain him and get sucked back into his foolishness.
ButterflyAugust 24, 2016 at 11:39 am #113151AnonymousGuest
You make sense and at the same time you are logical, do accept that the urge to get on that ride will appear again and maybe already have since your last post. This is natural and understandable that you have this urge. It will be your maturity and wisdom to not react to that urge by getting on that ride.
No matter how strong the urge and what “sense” it is seeming to make any particular moment (rationalizing the irrational urge)- talk real sense to yourself with compassion for your self.
Whenever you think of him, of what he will do next; about his motivations, etc. change your focus from being on him- to being on yourself. What is your motivation? To stop your suffering. Why? Because you deserve peace of mind. How? Exiting the theme park every single time you find yourself in it (the urge … dragging you there).
anitaAugust 24, 2016 at 11:49 am #113154Call Me IshmaelParticipant
I just saw that you began this thread.
I posted this in reply to your post on the other thread, but to avoid cross-talk I’ll re-post it here:
Of course, I don’t know what is going through his mind, but I imagine that his texts are intended to test the waters of stringing you along.
Regarding his hurtful texts, I imagine that he is intentionally trying to get a response from you, not unlike a child who, when he can’t get the positive attention he wants, tries to get negative attention instead. If you respond, he gets what he wants, and then the door has opened for him to turn on the nice side to try to get you back into the push-pull cycle.
It is up to you, but I suggest that you do not respond to anything. What would be the productive purpose in responding? If he cannot have a positive, beneficial relationship with you, and you do not want to be in a negative, destructive relationship with him, what would be the purpose of delaying your healing and getting on with your life by entering into any kind of a dialogue with him, be it via text, e-mail, telephone, etc.?
CMIAugust 25, 2016 at 8:41 am #113247
LOL… I like your child analogy. Because he is definitely acting like a child. Again I know I shouldn’t care if he cares because I need to forget about him and move on with my life. But it bothers me too that I feel like I wasted so much time with someone who is so delusional, immature and now mean. I definitely don’t want to get pulled back into his unhealthy cycle but I don’t want him to continue with the negative talk. I like happy endings (as happy as it can be anyway). I am still very good friends with all of my exes so I guess that it was I am used to. I did not respond even though I still want to. I am still very disappointed that he texted me instead of calling me. SO it just feels like it was all fake and he never really cared at all. But if you don’t care then why text? Just forget about me and move on right? Ugh… I hate feeling confused. I SO wish I could just turn off my feelings and FORGET ALL ABOUT HIM. I just want to HEAL & STAY HEALED.