I know 2020 has been a tough year on everyone, which is why I always have a difficult time complaining about anything that has been negative or hard in my life.  That’s why I chose to come here; to a safe place, with no judgement.

Things have been difficult. 2020 came and hit everyone hard – I, like so many other, (incident #1) was laid off, unsure how to make mortgage payments, or any payments at all. Thankfully, I was lucky enough to defer those, and was getting CERB payments from the Canadian government. I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I was now at home, with millions of other Canadians. My anxiety thrives on instability and not having any sort of routine. I tried to get my groove back, being productive in my house; purging, reorganising, deep cleaning. I started a daily yoga practice, my partner and I learned to play chess. I was baking, and cooking. I started to really enjoy being at home, knowing I was eventually going to go back to work.

Three days before I was to go back to work, incident number 2 occurred – my ten year old fur baby had some complications that ended up with us having to decide to put her down. While money doesn’t matter, because I would’ve spent my life savings on her, it still was a financial hardship having her at the emergency vet for four days (they were so wonderful and kind to us). Losing her was like losing a part of myself. I am so thankful I had two months everyday to spend with her and love her.

I went back to work, not allowing myself to grieve the loss of my soul mate and my best friend. I am famous for this, I recognize now.  We welcomed a new little pup into our life, and have poured our love into her. Then, we get a significant pay decrease at work (keep in mind, I am still thankful I had a job none the less, so please if you are reading this, please know I am not trying to sound ungrateful), I go into a full blown 6 week UC flare up, my good good friend passes away from a year long fight from cancer. All these things are piling up. All these things are piling up and I am trying to find a spot in my “mental filing cabinet” for all of them. My filing cabinet was bursting at the seams.

Something has not been right with me, I have not been happy. I’m exercising, eating well (the occasional indulgence), sleeping well, but something is not ME. I am a happy person, always laughing, smiling. I enjoy people, I enjoy going to work. I enjoy life! Not lately though. There is a little black rain cloud following me everywhere I go.  I’ve always suffered from depression, and anxiety. I’ve always been able to “get myself out of it” or just change my lifestyle a little bit.  I never wanted to be on medication because I was scared. Scared of pills, scared of the stigma, scared of admitting there is something wrong.  Today, I went to see my doctor and after having a very in depth conversation with him, we came to a few agreements –

1) Continue taking care of myself – eat well, sleep well, move my body and meditate

2) Continue journalling/writing/reaching out to those I feel I can open up to

3) Be kind to yourself and your mind – you are what you eat, and you are what you read

4) The GI tract is your second brain, so when my UC was in quite the flare up its not a surprise that my mental health was deteriorating

5) DO NOT BE AFRAID TO GET SOME HELP WITH MEDICATION, WHETHER IT’S LONG TERM OR SHORT TERM.

I guess I just wanted some advice.. Advice on how to cope with the idea of starting a new medication.
I am excited to start feeling happier, like my old self. Thank you to those who have read this far. I really needed a safe place for my thoughts tonight.

<3 S

• This topic was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Sarah.