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How Do I Let Go?

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  • December 20, 2013 at 2:23 pm #47191
    eden
    Participant

    My bf and I of two years broke up last week. We broke up because, IMO, he’s too self righteousamd every problem ends up being fault and he could never see fault within himself. He would “hold up the mirror” as he liked to call it but would not allow me to do the same for him. When we were not butting heads our relationship was lovely. He put me first always, always encouraged my talents, he help me get back on my emotional feet after my divorce. I have two children from the marriage and he has two, bkth musicians.. so we had a lot in common.

    He would complain that I needed to trust him more. I had a hard time lettimg go amd relaxing into the relationship because of previous hurt, but he was patient and we were happy..again when we didn’t bump heads. But I grew increasingly frustrated w/ his ‘always right’ attitude and was growing resentful. Started fighti g a lot. Found myself being convinced by him that I was the problem, apologizing, then still feelimg bad that he wouldn’t even consider my point of view.

    So long term I guess I should be happy that its over because who can live like that right? But I miss him terribly and was hoping that the email I sent on Tuesday tellimg him how much I loved him and missed him, but how he was hurting me would finally reach him. I told him that he had trouble finding fault within himself and its tough being in a relatiomship with him..bla bla. He never responded – and I’m devastated. I apologized for hurting, acknowledgedy faults amd was very loving even in the midst of my own hurt. .and for him not to respond..heartbreaking.

    I guess seone who sees hi mself as perfect would blame me for everything and feel justified to cut me out..despite how much we loved each other? 🙁

    I called and left a vm today asking him to respond and not to give me the silent treatment (he’s done it to others in his life that he feels have wronged him). Nothing. What do I do? I’m so hurt and sad and feel thrown away. Which maybe he wants me to feel by ignorimg me…but its so u fair considering all we have been thru. I can’t think..I keep crying. .

    December 20, 2013 at 2:39 pm #47192
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi eden.

    First of all, I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through right now, it’s never a fun thing to go through.

    Breathe. Remember, you deserve more then to be ignored and being made to feel like you’re the problem. You aren’t the problem. I went through a wonderfully terrible relationship (and break up) where I was always wrong, even when it was clear my ex had made a giant mistake. I found that the more I was blamed for things that weren’t my fault, the more control my ex had over my feelings. He manipulated situations in his favor; for instance, me not trusting him was NOT because he was lying about other girls, but because previous ex boyfriends had cheated.

    I know its heart breaking to think he could be ignoring you after so long, and please don’t take this as me being insensitive.. But count that as your blessing. He’s taking the easy way out.. Why should you settle for someone who doesn’t give you the respect you deserve? I think he’s missing out big time.

    Go on and live your life, once the pain stops and you start to repair the hole in your heart… Trust me, you’ll be thinking what a waste of tears this guy was.

    Don’t forget your worth.

    December 20, 2013 at 3:35 pm #47198
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi there. Im just new here maybe just like the others i want to know ur thoughts and really do need something to lighten me up. Most people really do need advise for situations like this but i know myself most of dont listen and just do whatever makes us happy at that moment. And jm one of those. Me and my bf have been together for almost 6 years and i really need something to help me make my decisions big one. A life changing decision. U see we’ve been together for so long and many dramas have happned in our reltionship. The “we should break up” and ” we stay and we we’ll see”. Family matters on his side, different cultures etc. honestly im tired of fighting for it but i just cant leave him i love him too much even after he cheated on me and he felt sorry for it, i still want him back.

    During those times that i was so hurt i was ready to leave him and waiting for the right moment when i leave yhe country and wont even say goodbye. Because i want him to be devastated about it. But as ghe time goes he was really making up for it and becoming so sweet and all now its really hard tk decide. I dont know exactly if we were really meant for each other. I dont know what to do. I love gim so much that even thinking that he is not in my life anymore its heartbreaking. Please i really need some expert advise on this. There is more stories in our relationship that makes it really hard for me and making me go crazy!

    December 20, 2013 at 9:50 pm #47261
    eden
    Participant

    Thank you, Sarah.

    I dont know what my problems is. If this were a friend of mine telling the same story I would tell her she’s better off without him. I guess for two years I let his blame shifting convince me that I was wrong most of the time, even when my gut was telling me otherwise. He treated me better than any other man, including my ex husband, and I was holding on to that feeling and trying to ignore the negatives. Because if I WAS the problem at least I could try and fix it. But I see now, it wasnt me. Sure I wasnt perfect , but I have no problem acknowledging when Im wrong.

    And now that he cant get me to do/be as he wants, I get discarded. It just hurts so much.. because I thought he really loved me. Im sure in his mind, he is justified and feels that I hurt him. But his logic is skewed. Even tho I know deep down it wasnt going to work it still hurts. Two years of investment down the drain. And Ive never ended a relationship in hostility. But I cant make him call..even though he has my stuff which I have asked for repeatedly..so I guess I will just have to take a loss. Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated.

    December 28, 2013 at 5:09 pm #47767
    Cyd
    Participant

    Hi Eden,

    First and foremost I dig your name lol I have also dealt with self righteous manipulating people before. They never want to be wrong because they have too much pride and are on a HUGE ego trip. His ego seems to be way to big for this relationship. It seems as though you never were in a relationship with him but his ego instead. He seems to have no compassion and takes you as a joke which just undermines your self esteem to the utmost. You are just going through withdrawals and would rather have something rather than nothing at the moment. That is why you are constantly hoping he will respond. You relentlessly put your feelings and that matter at hand aside to work towards strengthening your relationship with him. He seems to not want to compromise for his ego and this will continue to be the case if you reconcile.

    December 28, 2013 at 5:42 pm #47775
    eden
    Participant

    Cyd,

    Thank you; you’re absolutely right. I am managing much better now. He ignored me for a week (exactly) and finally sent a text saying he hadnt heard my msgs until that day..that he was outta the country. Either he was or he wasnt but choosing to ignore me was the best/worst thing he could have done for me. By ignoring me I was forced to deal with my feelings on my own. I cried my eyes out, did alot of thinking, and accepted my original decision to break up with him. By the time he got around to texting me, I didnt care anymore.

    I think he thought he was teaching me a lesson with the silent treatment and that by the time he contacted me I would be desperate to reunite. WRONG. I didnt call him and he continued to text daily and finally got the message that I was done. He tried to bait me with my belongings..asking me to come get them cuz he was leaving town for a month. I told him that was fine amd I would get them when he returns. He cant believe that I dont want to be w/ him. Hes always chased by women. Not this one.I miss the routine of having some on in my life but I’m sure that will pass soon. Good riddens.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by eden.
    December 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm #47786
    Macintosh
    Participant

    Ignoring someone and giving them the silent treatment is intentional and very cruel to do someone, he’s a real jerk to do that to you.

    You’re better off without him no matter how much you love him and how great he made you feel at times.

    Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with loving friends and family, those who really do care about you. It makes a big difference!

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