Dont Know What To Do…Would You Leave?

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    Hey ya’ll,

    My names Jessica. I’m 24 years old and I have been with my fiance for 5 years. We met when we were 12 and have been best friends since. For the past 4 years, things have been seriously great. When we first met, I knew that this was the boy I would spend my life with. And still to this day I can’t imagine us apart. when we finally got together, 5 years ago, it was the greatest feeling. I know he loves (maybe loved) me more than anything in this world.

    2 years ago we had a little boy, Dax. And after we found out I was pregnant, he instantly proposed. It was wonderful. We always got along, we always laughed, even in the bad times we were completely content and happy.

    Well around a year ago I guess things started going down. Not to say we were miserable, but I thought I felt a shift in him. He would deny deny deny but something in my gut was off. I didn’t push him. I figured maybe our money troubles were gettin to him so if he was upset, I would try to help but if he wanted me to leave him alone then that I would do.

    He seemed distant. We would talk and he would always tell me not to worry that he’s just stressed but he doesn’t love me any less. But it never changed. He would have more of an attitude, he would sleep all day, he would snap at me at the smallest things. But at the end of the day he would love me just like before. So I ignored it and let him be.

    He had started working at this place about 6 months ago. At first he hated it but now I guess its growing on him. And I am fine with that. Well he recently started hanging out with this guy Allen and I don’t like him. From the moment I met him I didn’t like him. Anyway, they started hanging out a lot. One night, about 3 weeks ago, they went to a party. Someones birthday party. And after that night, my fiance had been so cold. He wouldn’t let me touch him. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. So I was mad. After all this time, I wanted to know what was going on. And well he told me that he slept with someone at the party.

    I was crushed. I felt numb. I didn’t talk for days, all I would do is sit up in our room and cry and wonder and question. Unless I was around dax then I would throw on a perfect smile and just be with him. I could temporarily forget but it still hurt.

    Ever since then we haven’t been intimate or close really at all. We had a talk and came to the conclusion that neither of us knows what to do.

    I just need some advice. I don’t know what to do and I’m so confused.

    I feel like its me. Before I got pregnant, I didn’t like my physical self as much as I should. But my fiance loved me. I knew I was perfect to him. Then I got pregnant and really put on weight. After I had dax I had been 60lbs heavier than my pre pregnancy weight and that was the heaviest I had been my whole life. I wasn’t happy with it. So I got to working out and lost about 80lbs. I looked better than ever. I had always loved myself inside so I felt like now I was all around better than ever. A new confidence formed.

    But now I’m confused. Does he not love me the way I am now? I’m so hurt and lost I don’t know what to do.

    Worst of all, I know the girl he slept with. And she’s not a good person.

    I just need some advice that’s all. I don’t want Dax to be confused. I want my family. But I don’t know if I can ever forgive him. And the way he’s acting, I don’t know if I want to…. please help me.

    Thank you for your time.

    Matt Turner

    Hi Jess,

    WOW! I admire your courage for sharing this. I also want to say how sorry I am for the pain you must be feeling right now.

    First, I would like to offer you some insight into how we, as human beings, often deal with our feelings. When things are troubling us or we are struggling with our thoughts, our natural inclination is to try and avoid them or suppress them in the hope they will ‘go away’ or that we’ll perhaps figure it out ourselves.

    The reason for this is two things; fear and vulnerability. We fear the consequence of what will happen when we face our thoughts and feelings. We are vulnerable when reaching out and asking for help or sharing what we feel.

    It may have been that he was thinking and feeling something that he was scared to share with you, for fear of rejection, hurting you or hurting himself. There is a multitude of things we fear in this situation.

    We are scared to feel our feelings because it’s painful, so we suppress them thinking that will help. Unfortunately, it dosen’t. All it does is make us angry, snappy, depressed and/or sad. This is what seems to be happening here.

    We think that by not acknowledging our feelings we can move on from them, but we cant.

    The first step here is to ask your partner what he’s really feeling? What has he been feeling? What is he scared of? What thoughts has he been having? Try to give him a safe and non-judgmental space for him to share these thoughts, no matter what.

    The urge and inclination will be for you to get angry, feel ashamed, feel at fault etc. He might want to blame you, blame himself and/or get angry also. In short, this dialogue will not be pretty or easy, but it is absolutely necessary!

    This is just the starting point to working through this situation and it will take a lot of time and commitment on both your parts, which is another reason why people walk away. They can’t cope with that.

    I know I cannot advise you specifically and give you a solution, because that’s something you’ve got figure out. However, I hope my insights at least help.

    I wish you much warmth and love. I hope you both find peace at some point soon.


    “Mental fight means thinking against the current, not with it. It is our business to puncture gas bags and discover the seeds of truth.” – Virginia Woolf


    Hi Jess,

    I’m deeply sorry for you problem and for the feeling of betrayal and unworthiness you are experiencing.

    He broke part of the link between you and him and that is something undeniable. You may say that it was you fault because you were not able to detect or deal with the signs of the upcoming change. You may say that it was his fault because he was not strong enough to talk with you before it happened or to resist the outside temptation. You may say that it is the outside world which corrupted him, by not granting him a good job and by exposing him to such bad company. The fact is that it was a mix of everything.

    I do not know what your agreements were and how you decided to divide your responsibility among the couple, probably you both felt that your natural empathy and reciprocal care would have been enough to guide you through good and rough times. You did not expect one of you reached a point where he felt so ill that he could no longer feel good when doing his part. You did not think about what to do in such a situation, most likely you never imagined it, did you?
    It was his part to tell you what was wrong, it was your part to make him feel at easy. However you both never considered it, he was sure he could not talk about it, you were sure he would never talk about it, the unhappiness, the sadness he was supposed to carry silently. Maybe it was a couple’s mistake to not foresee this situation and define some rules for it. This is what they would teach at a marriage course. It is better one is always open to the other partner, so that by receiving feedback and recalling their common expectations they can make the necessary change for their common good.

    I suppose it is good to not be judgemental of a partner’s quality, however you should really not refrain from judging his actions with respect to what you agreed and were expecting. It is good to be kind, understanding and willing to forgive a mistake. We are all humans and we make mistakes, but you have to make sure that the pattern mistake-forgiveness does not become an habit. Either you change your expectations or your agreements or he starts doing something to break out from the dark spiral he is falling in. If you plan to forgive him, you should add his action to the sets of defects he has and you are willing to tolerate. Can you do that? Is that a tolerable defect, that he has been with another person? Would you like some kind of compensation from him?

    If things become too stressful or unbearable, consider also a couple therapy. A neutral person may solicit more sincere answers, help you find the problems and the lapse of the mind, without giving the unconscious impression that he may react negatively at some mistakes. Really, you can be kind, but you should point out his mistakes, if he does not realize it and keep doing them and you do not react for too long, you may end up in a pattern that everything is allowed. Moreover, if you bottle your negative reactions inside you for too long, you are going to be stressed as well. A neutral party will also listen to your complains as well and help you ease your burden and help you avoid pushing it all on your partner.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Vhanon.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Vhanon.

    Personally I would leave. I know myself well enough that I know I would be unable to fully trust this person again to the extent that is needed in marriage. Some people can, but I can’t (choose not to). I hope that you are better in that respect if you hope to restore your marriage. You seem to not know why the betrayal occurred, I would say that you should at minimum see a therapist to determine why, before you decide what to do going forward. Good luck!

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