Forum Replies Created
March 29, 2015 at 2:31 am #74580
It seems your boyfriend has a conflict within himself. He does not know what he wants, there are few desires that pulls him in different ways, and they are quite balanced and do not make him able to move forward. As I understand, he lived a lot of his life with his family who promoted a peaceful lifestyle which is not oriented toward personal growth but more toward mutual support and availability. On the converse, you showed him something new, how to become a successful person for himself or for you as a couple. By doing so, you challenge his past and what he once was. By agreeing on the future projects, somehow you’ve been killing his past. But his past is always there inside him and it looks like he did not really move on completely. Unfortunately, this is not something he can easily discuss with you. After all the agreements, after all your efforts, after everything you’ve done and believed together, how can he show you his doubts, and start killing your own resolve? He tried his best to fight his past, but it is still there. Maybe he realized that it was too late to be really successful as you both like him to be. He tried to become oblivious of his conflict by getting drunk.
Now he does not want to pollute your beliefs with his own worry, with his own history that still makes him unable to lift up. He tried his best with you, he tried to overcome everything. He wanted to believe into what you showed him, he looked ahead into your eyes, far and far in a world that looked so shining. Now, after long investigations, work and hopes, he found the problems. And I’m sad to say that sometimes, there is no logical solution out of them, but a realization of one’s own feelings that drive a person to want opposite things. And when that happens, that person has to choose, and he chose. He will not stay there, to fight and make you see his contradictions, maybe because he does not want to turn your friendship into bitterness, maybe because he wants to spare you the headaches, maybe because he cannot clearly see with you at his side supporting so fiercely one of the parts of his mind.
There is a part of him, you will not accept easily. That’s because you both tried your best to dismantle it. Investigating it together will cost to you both sorrow and harm. Nobody assures that you will overcome it, and you may find yourself bitter and defeated along the way. Then you’ll realize you lost a great part of your life, energy and time. I understand you feel that now something is missing now, that a lot was for nothing, and that the source of your energies and inspiration has suddenly stopped. However, if you kept drinking from it, after the change, chances are you would get sick. Moreover, now you and he can still celebrate your travel, the challenges you fought happily together, even if it was a failure, it was a good journey, and you tried both your best with sincerity, understanding and mutual acceptance. If you keep going, while he does not trust that there will be success anymore, the journey itself may become bad and sad.
You will need to learn to go without that source of inspiration. This does not mean you should stop talking with him, but you should stop seeing into him those hopes, those quests, those dreams you once wanted to share. Do not make him or his goals, your goals, do not make you or your goals, his goals, make him your companion. Once you do this and really do this, you’ll have a clear mind to see once again who he is, and why he made this choice. Then, maybe you can start anew, or realize that after all he was not meant for you.December 31, 2014 at 9:13 am #70063
Yoe’s advice about finding new things and experiences to pursue in life is a sound one. You’ll find that you’ll bring more to a relationship that way. Anyhow, let me give you also another advice: love is not something you need to see, hear and touch in every moment. It is a mental link between you and your partner, it is a bond of trust, care and support, something you can carry and feel even at a distance, even in silence, even when you are alone. It is a warm aura that follows you and makes you better at everything you do. Its the awareness to have someone who you can go to if things go wrong, it is the understanding to do something not just for yourself but also for your partner, it is the possibility to celebrate you successes with a person that cares for you and is proud of you when you achieve them. It is doing independent things and sharing independent things for you both.
So you’d like to define what you want to share, what you to do as a life goal, what makes a partner reliable, what you want from your partner in order to ensure an happy and sustainable relationship, what you are willing to give. Think also about life on a whole and try to be concrete: your partner may also need his space to work, to meet with family and friends and to pursue his own hobbies. There is variability among people, but if you define a range, it will be more easy to look for the person who may satisfy your need (just know there are always trade-off to make with other qualities). So explore, know the world, meet people as persons you’d like to know about and you’ll get a fair sense of what you can actually ask them.December 28, 2014 at 12:09 pm #69892
I assure you it was nothing personal and I did not aim to cast a bad light on you, we are all in anonymity here.
Nevertheless, I did not say that you as a person needed a therapist, but I said that you two as a couple needed a therapist.
If you really can forgive and forget, and can trust him again, then it is really fine. Tough, it is not the best thing to remain with him no matter what he does.
So my advice is the following: try to send him a message and explain to him that you are sorry you walked away from him, explain that it was your reaction because of the previous disappointment. Tell him that you thought about it and you are willing to forgive and forget and start anew. Tell him you are going to handle your future anxious reactions a little better. Tough, try to not stay with him if he does not acknowledge his shortcomings as well. If he does not answer to your reply move on. If he disappoints you again, as you said, move on.
One further advice for handling your anxiety: think that he is a man, a creature of the world. He is driven by many instincts you have no power to control, he may some rationality, agree with you on something, but later he may change his mind. He is not a kid, so you cannot blame him, he is free in the constraints of the laws. Embrace his freedom, embrace his instincts, accept him for whatever he does. He cares for you one day? Be thankful and glad. He stays with somebody else the next day? Give him your blesses either hope he may return or move on. Love him for everything he is, as colorful blinking star in the ever-moving infinity of the sky.December 25, 2014 at 11:43 am #69800
Our western societies promotes a model of independence, where every man and woman should be able to take care of all their basic needs. They teach us to be strong in the face of adversities. The truth is that we all depend one on another, the economy that sustains us is a net of relationships, religions are communities and government are managed by political parties. Your need to relate to a very important person that can understand you and love completely is not wrong. It is there and it is a worthy goal.
Tough keep in mind that love is a mutual sharing, so if you want to be understood, you should also understand. By understanding you’ll also find new ways to make your mind more clear to the other person and be more easily understood. So start easy, if a person is interested in you as a romantic partner, start a friendship and start to know each other. Do not think whether he will love you or not in the end. Try to get to know him, enjoy the pleasure of welcoming him in your life. Share hobbies, passions, ideas, anything that comes to mind. Little by little, you’ll understand him a bit, he’ll understand you a bit and you’ll be in pleasant friendship. You may realize that you already feel loved in a sense. Then,later you may agree on many things and understand each other completely, then you may call it love and start a relationship.
Anyway, keep looking around and meeting people, as you gain experience with friends it will be easier for you to understand others and make yourself being understood. Moreover, you may be so lucky to find quickly that persons that understands you. Yes, we are so many in the world, I believe there is a fair chance someone lived through your experiences and can guess how you may feel or what your thoughts are.
So, you may try to reflect on a few things. What would you like your future to be? Imagine a typical day, what are you doing? Why are you doing it? Where do you want to go? These may be things you can talk about to a potential new partner.December 25, 2014 at 11:10 am #69799
Maybe you can share with us a bit more details: what did she actually say? What things did change from good to bad according to her perspective? What was your behavior she qualified as manipulative?
Maybe you can also try to talk with friends who are close to her. You may get some more insights on the matter. But understand they may be loyal to her, so when you inquire try to be respectful and understand it may not be easy for them to tell you everything.December 25, 2014 at 4:07 am #69793
I’m not sure, but I have the feeling you are not experiencing love, you just feel lonely and it looks like he is the closest connection you have at the moment. So it is natural for you to feel kind of an attraction toward him. Yet you cannot deny that there is a big issue of trust, which needs to be solved. However, as I can see you are both unstable, you are anxious, he seems avoidant. It looks very difficult you can handle this on your own. You’ll leave a stressful life until he does enough to prove you that he is worth of trust again, on the converse he may feel stressed because of your needs and expectations. It is a very difficult path, I believe you need someone else, a friend or therapist that may reassure you along the way. Actually you may find out that the new friends are all you need.
So, he has been untrustworthy and you surely deserve someone more respectful. Do you really want him after what he has done, or do you want an idealized image of him, as gentleman you thought he was? If the answer is the second, know that’s not him at the moment, and may never be him. Maybe you can ask him to not do something like that in the future, but you have also to forgive what he has in the past. Can you forgive and give a new chance like it was the first time? Are you ready to handle a second disappointment if he does not respect his words? (I believe you are not since you are so alone now)
Can’t you think that you may find a new person someone more reliable who you can be in a new relationship with? I’m sure you can find many other friends in the workplace or the place you use to visit in Germany. Can’t your aunt introduce to anybody?
Did you really spend so much time with that man, that you cannot possibly find those same feelings for somebody else? After he was not the man you thought he was, so once again it’s not him you are missing but the idealized image of him you had.December 19, 2014 at 10:15 am #69512
You are welcome. I’m just sorry I cannot relieve your pain any better.
I suppose that if you did not agree that things were actually wrong, your excuses did not look sincere. That may be exactly why she wanted to see you face to face: to look at that subtle clues in your eyes, that can allow her to determine whether you really thought you were wrong or not.December 19, 2014 at 10:10 am #69511
Please, don’t look at your ex, look for another man. Is there no way at all to meet someone?
You said you cannot find anybody who appreciates your sense of humor. How many men did you actually date?
You said other people affect you. When they talk about their experience, please try to talk about yours as well. If you see that others update their profiles, started updating yours as well. Put pictures and talk a little about yourself. For example, what do you dream to do one day?December 19, 2014 at 8:46 am #69505
I’m not a woman, but I’ll try to give you as many insights as possible.
My guess is that she has been thinking over and over about why she felt ill with you at some point, why things degenerated and why you broke in the end. She found out some ‘reasons’ and she blamed you for them. However, she still had one hope, that after such a long time apart you actually acknowledged those reason and showed how sorry you were. She was smiling because she was happy she could finally speak her point to you, maybe she also started feeling relieved, because she had her confirmation: it was a good idea to leave, because you did not realize what you did wrong. She had her final proof. Maybe, she also come to assure herself that she did not have any more feelings for you. In a sense, she wanted to look at you in that very moment, push on your image all the disapprobation she could have thought about, so that the bitter feelings would erase the good memories and make it easier for her to forget you. She was pleased to look at you and feel nothing.
Now, I’m not saying you actually did something bad. You did something bad to her eyes. However, I believe a spider would also say that a fly did something bad when it escaped from the web. You did not tell us what she accused you of. Nevertheless, if you lost your job and experienced difficult moments, chances are you’ve been very stressed during that time. Maybe you were worried and scared and asked her to lend an emotional hand. She found herself unable to help you, as she started feel that emotional pain as well. A pain she may accuse you to be responsible of (just because you pushed that on her and you did not allow her to be happy as before). Asking for her support in a moment of need was not wrong, but it seems she perceived it as a wrong thing: like you caught her in a trap of unhappiness after giving her the hope of an eternal bliss. In other terms, she wants a man that handles alone his emotional pain, and share with her only the good things. She just realized you are not that man. Anyway, that also maker her a bad choice for you. After she was not there when you needed her.
If what I said up above looks wrong to you, please let us know what actually she accused you of.December 10, 2014 at 7:54 am #69057
I’m very sorry for the bright future you and Beck had lost. There was so much life ahead of you and it is actually very unfair that the cruel wheel of fate stopped at that point. It is never fair. You could have a family, a happy marriage, you could go to the office everyday with a bright smile and tell all your employees what a happy and lucky man you were. You and Beck could support each other through the bad and good times and could make each other happy. I’m sorry. Things will never be the same.
Tough, what do you think Beck would say if she could speak from the sky? Don’t you think she would like to see a happy man? She was there for you, and loved you. She wanted you to be happy, but she cannot be there no more. Don’t you think you would honour her memory by actually seeking that happiness? I know that she was her and was unique, but you can still find a different happiness into someone else. Make Beck rest in peace and grant her the wish of your happiness. Live life as best as you can.
I understand that you feel the world is so unfair because you have to suffer while the main responsible runs free. However that man belongs to another land where you were just a guest. Moreover, even if he was punished, you will not get Beck back. I completely understand you rage, but you don’t have the power, unless you go in Thailand and make justice yourself. But really, you would disappoint all your employees and you will not get that happiness back. Would it be worth? Grant Beck her wish and be happy with someone else, although things will be different than what you imagined.
Please, take care.December 9, 2014 at 10:20 am #68969
Sometimes, I also took a look at the profile pictures of the girl I was in love with when I was in high school more than ten years ago. There are a lot of people who pray every day in front of the representation of their favorite god. So if you want to go on his profile and adore him, I don’t think that’s a bad hobby unless you become dependent and cannot do anything else but that.
Really, it would be healthy to forget about your ex, and the best way to do that is to not look at his profile. Why don’t you take a interest to some other man’s profile? They may actually reply to some of your messages.December 9, 2014 at 10:10 am #68966
I don’t think anybody could take legal action against a letter like that, as long as you did not send something similar before. A farewell is a farewell. So I would also add to the bottom “So if you do not want to meet, this is my farewell”.
The most important thing is that you move on and accept fact that she may not want to see you again, no matter how unreasonable it looks. You may not understand her reasons anyway, those are her thoughts and you cannot read her mind or feel her feelings. Please, do not hang on the hope she may reply, it may be an everlasting waiting.December 6, 2014 at 4:12 am #68835
The easiest thing to do is to reply “Yes, you are right” to whatever she says, and try to think about something else. For example, do not focus on her words, focus on the tone of voice and try to imgine a little child that begs for attention. She wants to play with her favourite toy: you, if you stay still like a robot long enough, that game will eventually be no longer fun. Use always the same set of answers “Oh sorry I forgot”, “Oh I’m absent-minded today I was thinking about something else”, “You are welcome to come at the family’s party”. Be boring, repetitive, lifeless and dead.
You’ve got everybody at your side, anything she may say about you to others will not affect them in any way. Feel safe.
If you want to help her break from that habit of her, after some training of the behavior above, you may start alternating between being kind when she is kind and ignoring her when she behaves bad.
When you are at home in private, teach your daugther you own values and how to defend herself against such aggressions. Sending your brother’s sister away from your daugther will not help her cope with other similar minded people she may find in life. What is someone starts acting like that at school? With such a training, your daughter will already know how to deal peacefully with the situation.December 6, 2014 at 1:45 am #68831
I’m deeply sorry for you problem and for the feeling of betrayal and unworthiness you are experiencing.
He broke part of the link between you and him and that is something undeniable. You may say that it was you fault because you were not able to detect or deal with the signs of the upcoming change. You may say that it was his fault because he was not strong enough to talk with you before it happened or to resist the outside temptation. You may say that it is the outside world which corrupted him, by not granting him a good job and by exposing him to such bad company. The fact is that it was a mix of everything.
I do not know what your agreements were and how you decided to divide your responsibility among the couple, probably you both felt that your natural empathy and reciprocal care would have been enough to guide you through good and rough times. You did not expect one of you reached a point where he felt so ill that he could no longer feel good when doing his part. You did not think about what to do in such a situation, most likely you never imagined it, did you?
It was his part to tell you what was wrong, it was your part to make him feel at easy. However you both never considered it, he was sure he could not talk about it, you were sure he would never talk about it, the unhappiness, the sadness he was supposed to carry silently. Maybe it was a couple’s mistake to not foresee this situation and define some rules for it. This is what they would teach at a marriage course. It is better one is always open to the other partner, so that by receiving feedback and recalling their common expectations they can make the necessary change for their common good.
I suppose it is good to not be judgemental of a partner’s quality, however you should really not refrain from judging his actions with respect to what you agreed and were expecting. It is good to be kind, understanding and willing to forgive a mistake. We are all humans and we make mistakes, but you have to make sure that the pattern mistake-forgiveness does not become an habit. Either you change your expectations or your agreements or he starts doing something to break out from the dark spiral he is falling in. If you plan to forgive him, you should add his action to the sets of defects he has and you are willing to tolerate. Can you do that? Is that a tolerable defect, that he has been with another person? Would you like some kind of compensation from him?
If things become too stressful or unbearable, consider also a couple therapy. A neutral person may solicit more sincere answers, help you find the problems and the lapse of the mind, without giving the unconscious impression that he may react negatively at some mistakes. Really, you can be kind, but you should point out his mistakes, if he does not realize it and keep doing them and you do not react for too long, you may end up in a pattern that everything is allowed. Moreover, if you bottle your negative reactions inside you for too long, you are going to be stressed as well. A neutral party will also listen to your complains as well and help you ease your burden and help you avoid pushing it all on your partner.December 4, 2014 at 4:50 am #68717
My answer is no if you want to keep things kind and nice for the parter at fault and you want the other to not be disappointed anymore. That person’s action has been done too many times, and now it has become an habit, and I suppose words and empathy were not enough to change it. You can break such an habit in two ways. You either apply randomly a strong action every time the bad behaviour happens and you make that punishment always more painful at every occurrence but not threatened in advance, or you give that person randomly some very nice reward when he actually does something good and this reward have to be always better but not agreed in advance. As you see, it is like you are training a dog, and personally it feels like depriving that person of his human dignity; not to count that punishment or rewards come at your own expenses; the older the person, the more time it will take. In my view, the easiest thing to do is to break the relationship (let’s say after at least 3 disappointments). If the partner at fault cared for the other, he/she will feel ill and that will be his/her punishment, a few months later one may try to re-establish the relationship and see whether that person learned the lesson. If the partner at fault did not care, then it was better the relationship actually ended.
Anyway, do not forget that one can still salvage the relationship by being a pious saint that forgives his/her partner every time.