Hi Ses156,

Yoe’s advice about finding new things and experiences to pursue in life is a sound one. You’ll find that you’ll bring more to a relationship that way. Anyhow, let me give you also another advice: love is not something you need to see, hear and touch in every moment. It is a mental link between you and your partner, it is a bond of trust, care and support, something you can carry and feel even at a distance, even in silence, even when you are alone. It is a warm aura that follows you and makes you better at everything you do. Its the awareness to have someone who you can go to if things go wrong, it is the understanding to do something not just for yourself but also for your partner, it is the possibility to celebrate you successes with a person that cares for you and is proud of you when you achieve them. It is doing independent things and sharing independent things for you both.

So you’d like to define what you want to share, what you to do as a life goal, what makes a partner reliable, what you want from your partner in order to ensure an happy and sustainable relationship, what you are willing to give. Think also about life on a whole and try to be concrete: your partner may also need his space to work, to meet with family and friends and to pursue his own hobbies. There is variability among people, but if you define a range, it will be more easy to look for the person who may satisfy your need (just know there are always trade-off to make with other qualities). So explore, know the world, meet people as persons you’d like to know about and you’ll get a fair sense of what you can actually ask them.

Hi ses156,

You show a lot of insight into your tendencies and I think it is courageous that you wish to tackle your challenges head on. So many people are swept up in behavioral patterns that they can’t see or don’t wish to acknowledge. In my experience, acknowledging our current situation is the first step to transformation.

Vue and Vhanon have offered you some wonderful advice. Travelling is a wonderful way to take a step back and see the bigger picture of your life. It also offers you a chance to find out things about yourself and take time out to unravel what needs to be unraveled. Yet I know that it is all too easy to come back home and step back into those comfortable habits. The trick is to be mindful every step of the way. Why am I choosing to do this? Is it for escape? Or is it for transformation? What have I learnt? How can I integrate this into my ‘normal’ life?

I read recently that relationships, no matter how attentive your partner is, will bring up all of our unresolved issues to the surface and these issues undoubtedly stem from a feeling of not being worthy of love or good enough. This is certainly something you can work on whilst you are single but being in a relationship offers you a real chance to work through things too. Other people will always push our buttons and trigger us, especially if we form a close attachment to them. So I’m feeling that avoiding a relationship may not necessarily be the answer for you. As humans, we are wired for connection and resisting that can lead to a lot of unnecessary internal struggle. Perhaps it is better for you to accept your nature and your desire to be close to another, but next time the cycle repeats itself, become really curious about whats going on. I use the word curious because it seems to me that you are blaming yourself for feeling like you do. When we are curious however, there is no judgement. So become curious, be kinder towards yourself and know that you are not alone. This is something I struggle with on an almost daily basis – I also often feel that urge to become clingy and emotionally dependent on my other half, friends, family etc. I have accepted that I am a woman who likes to feel close to other people. I have also accepted that I will always need to keep practicing self-compassion, gratitude and love for the moments when I find myself alone and the fear creeps in.

Much love to you. You are terrific! Please be kinder to yourself. xx