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Attached too fast = Rejection

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #69969
    Sharon
    Participant

    So, I had to get to this point to get some “outside” views of people that do not know me, and see if I can get to the light at the end of the tunnel. I am 33 yo, I have a career, consider myself decent looking, I am an introverted but once you get to know me I am great friend, but I have struggled with self esteem since I left college. Years ago I didn’t use to care much, boys will come and go, but since I have memory I had the need to have someone with me. For the past 14 years or so I have been involved in relationships, some long, some short, I do not remember the time i have been single for more than a few months (4 tops) without clinging to the first person that shows interest in me. However, that seems to be the root of my problem. As soon as I end a long relationship I crave that need for attention, and I will latch to the first one that shows “interest” but then, most of the times they end up rejecting me because of the quick attachment, or because I was “easy”. I tend to make unnecessary comments, about exes, personal things, emotional issues etc, or i will show WAY too much interest right away (first date). I will text, send FB messages, pretend to be “casual” but I know I am coming across as needy and even “crazy”. I get massive anxiety when men don’t reciprocate or they just ignore me. This seems to be getting worse by the day, it is consuming, and does not let me be happy ALONE. Ive been to therapy, hypnotherapy, I try to keep busy, but it haunts me. I feel I am never going to be able to get out of this cycle. I have people tell me I have to love myself first, and be happy ALONE, look for hobbies, etc. Yes, I will do that for a while, until I meet someone and then the cycle starts again. I read this page very often looking answers, articles, and just overall peace, but it will be great to get some comments, as well as female and male perspectives on why is this happening. I also was told I was co dependent and I read some books about it, but so far nothing has changed.

    Thanks.
    S.

    #69973
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Ses156,

    As people, I think we all crave things like love, acceptance, trust, recognition and any other good vibes we get from interacting with others. Some people are able to spread this across different areas of their lives (e.g. career, friendship, family, recreational activities etc.) while others tend to focus on fulfilling all these desires in one specific area, which is often the area that we are most comfortable with in relating with other people.

    To give you an example, I was very career orientated up until the end of 2013 and I was willing to sacrifice my time with friends, family, relationship, health etc to get ahead. I also found that I can easily relate to people I work with as I have done the training, learned the script and produced results that made everyone happy. Though I did advance quickly, I was struggling to relate with others outside of work (because that’s all I did) and slept about 2-3 hours a night because everything at work became a big thing. I mean, how can it not be when the totality of my self worth and happiness were dependant on it? To break this cycle, I had to quit my job and go overseas for a few months to discover who I am when I no longer possess my character defining strength. Since I’ve returned, I’ve been working hard towards creating a balanced lifestyle and I feel a lot more confident about things (including work) than I used to.

    It sounds like you’ve already recognised that the harder you push in this area the less you get out of it but to love yourself, you need to know who you are outside of being someone’s girlfriend. So instead of jumping straight into “do” mode, take some time out to consider what you want out of life and how you can achieve these things without being in a romantic relationship. Recognise that it will take time to change: there will be times where you want to say yes to a relationship but if you are still in the process of building your internal landscape, be strong enough to say no. I’ve done it a couple of times now and be in contro rather than be controlled by external factors.

    Good luck!

    #69994
    Sharon
    Participant

    Hi Yue, your answer hit the spot. I am myself trying to quit my job, end my apt lease and travel for a few months “to find myself”. I feel my life has been in this cycle for the past 14 years – completely focused on having the perfect relationship. I am not the best at handling radical changes, but I think at this point, it is completely necessary. I am terrified yes, and don’t feel confident enough to be able to enjoy my own company, meet people and have fun, but I know i have to pull myself up and do it now or I will probably regret it.

    Thanks again for your kind words.
    S.

    #70040
    Yue
    Participant

    That’s great Ses156! There is nothing like travelling to shake things up, especially if you are going somewhere that speaks another language. Yes there will be challenges but you will be amazed by your abiity to adapt and gain strength from the experience.

    #70063
    Vhanon
    Participant

    Hi Ses156,

    Yoe’s advice about finding new things and experiences to pursue in life is a sound one. You’ll find that you’ll bring more to a relationship that way. Anyhow, let me give you also another advice: love is not something you need to see, hear and touch in every moment. It is a mental link between you and your partner, it is a bond of trust, care and support, something you can carry and feel even at a distance, even in silence, even when you are alone. It is a warm aura that follows you and makes you better at everything you do. Its the awareness to have someone who you can go to if things go wrong, it is the understanding to do something not just for yourself but also for your partner, it is the possibility to celebrate you successes with a person that cares for you and is proud of you when you achieve them. It is doing independent things and sharing independent things for you both.

    So you’d like to define what you want to share, what you to do as a life goal, what makes a partner reliable, what you want from your partner in order to ensure an happy and sustainable relationship, what you are willing to give. Think also about life on a whole and try to be concrete: your partner may also need his space to work, to meet with family and friends and to pursue his own hobbies. There is variability among people, but if you define a range, it will be more easy to look for the person who may satisfy your need (just know there are always trade-off to make with other qualities). So explore, know the world, meet people as persons you’d like to know about and you’ll get a fair sense of what you can actually ask them.

    #70107
    Sharon
    Participant

    Vhanon, thank you for the great advice! sometimes I just need to understand what “love” is. I just keep having this issue of the the missing link. I feel incomplete, I feel empty. I am still trying to figure out why… maybe self esteem, lack of self love, not being able to enjoy the NOW. It hurts. I feel like I am dragging myself around. I just hope this year will work for me, I have things to look forward to, and I am excited to do a complete change of lifestyle, I need to snap out of it and find “me” before i find someone else. I really want to be happy with who I am and what I have, I feel I have been struggling for so many years… I want to wake up in the morning and have all this things to do for me, to take care of my life – I want to let go of what it was or what it might have been, I want to stop worrying about other people and what they think of me. I really want to wake up and for once say I feel free.

    #70134
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi ses156,

    You show a lot of insight into your tendencies and I think it is courageous that you wish to tackle your challenges head on. So many people are swept up in behavioral patterns that they can’t see or don’t wish to acknowledge. In my experience, acknowledging our current situation is the first step to transformation.

    Vue and Vhanon have offered you some wonderful advice. Travelling is a wonderful way to take a step back and see the bigger picture of your life. It also offers you a chance to find out things about yourself and take time out to unravel what needs to be unraveled. Yet I know that it is all too easy to come back home and step back into those comfortable habits. The trick is to be mindful every step of the way. Why am I choosing to do this? Is it for escape? Or is it for transformation? What have I learnt? How can I integrate this into my ‘normal’ life?

    I read recently that relationships, no matter how attentive your partner is, will bring up all of our unresolved issues to the surface and these issues undoubtedly stem from a feeling of not being worthy of love or good enough. This is certainly something you can work on whilst you are single but being in a relationship offers you a real chance to work through things too. Other people will always push our buttons and trigger us, especially if we form a close attachment to them. So I’m feeling that avoiding a relationship may not necessarily be the answer for you. As humans, we are wired for connection and resisting that can lead to a lot of unnecessary internal struggle. Perhaps it is better for you to accept your nature and your desire to be close to another, but next time the cycle repeats itself, become really curious about whats going on. I use the word curious because it seems to me that you are blaming yourself for feeling like you do. When we are curious however, there is no judgement. So become curious, be kinder towards yourself and know that you are not alone. This is something I struggle with on an almost daily basis – I also often feel that urge to become clingy and emotionally dependent on my other half, friends, family etc. I have accepted that I am a woman who likes to feel close to other people. I have also accepted that I will always need to keep practicing self-compassion, gratitude and love for the moments when I find myself alone and the fear creeps in.

    Much love to you. You are terrific! Please be kinder to yourself. xx

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