Forum Replies Created
January 16, 2016 at 11:49 pm #92802
Hi Marisol and Aislynn,
It sounds like what you two went through is a form of emotional abuse known as gaslighting. You can find the definition here:
The best way to handle people like this is to get away from them, which is what you are doing now. Hopefully but knowing the techniques these people utilise you can spot someone like this more quickly in the future.April 30, 2015 at 2:51 pm #75995
One of the things I have learned with work is that often, safety and security is just an illusion and if times are bad, these things can suddenly disappear under your feet. There is a talk Jim Carey gave about this and it maybe worthwhile to Youtubue it if you are looking for some inspirations.
As for finding what you like, it seems time that you have a pretty good idea of what it might be by reversing your hate list. If you need something more specific, consider doing a but of research through the net and find something that matches your skills and appeals to your passion.April 23, 2015 at 11:00 pm #75744
It’s hard to guess what the other person is thinking. It’s possible that he is just being a good guy wanting to find out if you are doing ok after the break up. Or like you said, he might be feeling a bit lonely but there is a difference between missing being a relationship and missing you specifically. At the end of the day, his motivation of contacting you is unimportant compared to doing what is best for you.
I am sorry to say this but unless something within you two has fundamentally changed, what was lacking in the relationship before will still be there. As Einstien once said, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing expecting a different outcome.
You may both get momentary relief by the re-connect but in your heart, you will always be wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. You may watch your words and be mindful of how you behave around him but speaking from experience, none of these will work because by doing so, you are hiding the spark that makes you unique.April 18, 2015 at 3:52 pm #75508
Will provided some good advice and my heart goes out to you. It’s tough being in limbo when your happiness is dependant on the other person’s decision. When I was in a similar space, I remember how anxious I felt about waiting for the other person to make a decision. It almost felt as though I needed to justify myself for being good enough to be loved and as time went by, the relationship became so unbalanced that it collapsed anyway. The thing I’ve learned from that is if someone is not excited to be with you and require constant re-assurance, he is not the person you want to spend your life with anyway. You can’t influence how he feels about you but you can certainly decide how to react to this situation.
When my ex broke up with me, I also went the no contact rule to a point that I’ve deleted every possible way that I have to contact her to avoid the temptation. Like you, I was so heart broken that I know if we stayed in contact, things will go sour pretty quickly and I’d like to part on good terms. It’s true that when you love someone, you give a part of yourself and when that relationship ends, it feels as though you’ve lost part of your heart. On the other hand, based on what you’ve described it was a good relationship so there is something that you took away from it as well. My suggestion is that see it as an opportunity for personal growth and close it off so you can start the next chapter in your life.
When we experience trauma, it impacts us on both a psychological and physical level. If you want to process the negative emotions you are feeling effectively, I would suggest taking a walk in nature and engage in some kind of physical activity that you enjoy. These things allow us to focus on the present rather than thinking about our past or a future that can never be. Most importantly, breath and eventually you will find your way out of the pain.
March 31, 2015 at 1:37 pm #74728
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Yue.
There is a quote from Eclhart Tolle that say something along the lines of “if you are in an unpleasant situation, you can either remove yourself away from it, change it or accept it.” Having been in a similar situation before, there is nothing like that feeling of being stuck. It drained all the passions I have in life and my every action was dictated by my fear of failure. Sure I hated what I was doing and I want more but what if I don’t succeed?
My advice: it’s ok. It’s ok to fail, to make mistakes, to have a heart full of passions and break it a few times along the way as long as you are moving forward because that’s what living is about.
So go out there and do something that you enjoy. Life is amazing when you don’t subscribe to someone else’s plan.March 23, 2015 at 2:07 pm #74331
Sorry to hear about your situation. It’s tough going through a heart break but Kat and Ian provided some good advice here. I find that one of the best way to mend a broken heart is through physical activities like yoga as it keeps you focused on the present rather than the past. Your mind is the worst torturer in these situations so avoid giving it more power by feeding into those thoughts. The next time you think about her, take a deep breath and focus on what you are doing. Taste the food, feel the movement of your feet when you walk, admire the sunset etc. It takes a lot of practice to get out of the negative mind space but it does get easier.March 21, 2015 at 3:38 pm #74234
Men, as a rule are terrible at trying to give compliments especially in our 20s. For some, this ends up as giving back handed compliment in that they want you to know that you are special but at the same time they can’t help but to add something that says “well I’m interested but not THAT interested” for fear of rejection. It’s like the little boy who is mean to the girl they like at school because he wants to get her attention. Cute, if you are in primary school.
Then there are the guys who will do this on purpose to manipulate you because by diminishing your value, you might agree to do something that you normally wouldn’t do (like going out with a guy who disrespects you). Either way, it’s got nothing to do with you and your physical appearence and everything to do with them. So the guys who say this to you are either little boys or manipulators. It’s a terrible idea to date either because you will have to play mommy for one and the victim for the other.
Some ideas for a snappy come back if you encounter this situation again:
“And you’re an ahole in a mainstream kind of way”
“Gee thanks. Usually guys start with flowers and chocolate when they want to date me”
“Yeah I like your energy too because if I want to date a guy with a big **** I wouldn’t have picked you. Glad we have that in common!”
Probably want to go the middle one if you want to give the poor man a chance but it’s always nice to have options in your back pocket for the tough ones. 🙂March 11, 2015 at 2:10 pm #73845
Picture seeing him kissing another girl in front of you. What do you feel? If it’s anything that ranges from jealousy rage to heart break, you are not ready to be friends.
During break ups, the most important thing is to consider how YOU feel. Don’t worry about how he is doing (I know it’s hard) or trying to stay in contact out of a sense of obligation. If saying yes to someone or something at the cost of saying no to yourself, it’s not worth it.March 11, 2015 at 2:01 pm #73844
I used to be like you, reading up on dating advice from so called gurus, watching how I behave, what I say and doing everything in my power to get someone to like me. The thing is, even when I managed to manipulate someone into liking me, it never lasts. Even while it did it wasn’t that great because I can’t be open with that person and there is always that fear that if I did the wrong thing, the whole relationship will collapse. So what I am trying to say is that going into a relationship pretending to be someone else is a fool’s game.
Have you ever wondered what is the purpose of our emotions? We get angry when we are confronted, scared when we do something risky and sad when we lost something we love. From a biological and evolutionary perspective, our emotions exist to get us to take action. So if you are depressed and cry often, perhaps your body is telling you to do something that will change your circumstances? If you are unwilling to take the steps to address these issues yourself, a relationship will only complicate matters. Most people get sick of being the saviour fairly quickly.
My suggestion is to look at the list you put together and commit to one change you can make today. Just one and when you have mastered it, try another. The most important thing is to do something, otherwise you will end up bring your own jailer.March 9, 2015 at 1:53 pm #73763
The short answer to your question is yes because it sounds like hanging around her make you feel terrible about yourself. She may want to stay in touch for whatever reason but the more you hang around, the less she will be attracted to you because you become the guy who is always available. Since this is your first love, it will hurt like a mother and there is no way to sugar coat the process. A suggestion I have is to delete her phone number, remove her from Facebook and keep busy to occupy your mind. Do something physical so that your mind doesn’t drift back to good old days and look great along the ways.March 5, 2015 at 1:36 pm #73600
I’ve always enjoyed your posts and I am sorry to hear about the stress that you are going through. With your bf’s father, he is someone who abandoned his kids and still be prioritised by them which really says a lot about that dynamic. Like you said, your bf is still caught in being that abandoned little boy looking for his father’s approval and it’s hard to go against something as deep seeded as that.
To be honest it sounds like you have done all you can about this and the only decision left is to decide what you are going to do if neither your bf of his dad will change his behaviour? If you two get married and have kids, can you stand being the object of ridicule or just be excluded entirely in family gathers? More importantly, how does it make you feel when your partner doesn’t stand up for you even though he’s promised to? Does your love for him out weigh those feelings?
My suggestion is to take a week off and remove yourself from that environment before making a final call. Go for a hike in the forest and don’t think about it to give your mind a break so that the voice of your intuition can come through. The decision you are about to make should not be based on logic alone so let your heart speak and see where it takes you.March 4, 2015 at 1:10 pm #73531
I think you said it best in one of your sentences, in that you don’t want to be some kind of service that visits him every week. The think about pot smoking is that it kills a motivation to do anything else and if someone is too lazy to take you out in dates or to visit you at home then you have to wonder what kind of commitment does he show for the relationship.
For the time being, go with the no contact rule and delete all his details. Don’t think about whether you will have another relationship and focus on yourself instead. Whether it is exec revising, studying or take up a new hobby, do something that enriches your life and you will find that you don’t need the validation of another to put a smile on your face.February 26, 2015 at 1:15 pm #73318
Having been in a similar situation recently, I know the feeling of missing someone who is a potential romance and a really good friend. The thing is, a heart want what a heart wants and you will be cheating yourself if you didn’t pursue this because of your fear of loosing the relationship. Sure things didn’t work out the way you wanted but the alternative is to tip toe in the grey which is certainly no way to live.
So you put on your gear, went into battle and lost. That’s ok because those who fear battle are never victorious. The others have some good advice re how to heal and tomorrow is another day to start fresh.February 24, 2015 at 1:11 pm #73262
On the more technical side of things, the mother gets custody of the kids in 80% of the cases in family law court, especially if you gave been the primary carer since their birth. If you are unsure you can always consult a family lawyer and most of them will provide the first consultation for free (just ring and check first). With the way your partner is behaving, it sounds like it might be going down this road so it’s better to be prepared for the worst.
On the emotional side of things, my heart goes out to you. The thing is, how long can you remain in a relationship due to guilt? With the way he is behaving, you will eventually reach a point where his presence alone will repulse you. Is there somewhere you and your kids can stay on a temporary basis? If so, it’s probably time to consider an escape plan because all it takes now is a drunken night out for him before things hit the fan.February 21, 2015 at 1:45 pm #73099
Your expectations are not unrealistic at all. I mean, can you imagine spending your life with someone who you don’t feel a deep connection to? The other stuff like open mindedness, love, faithfulness, addiction etc they are fundemental values and far more important than things like common interests. Don’t go out with someone who doesn’t share your values as they are very difficult to change.