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Am i too demanding?

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  • #73529
    Aida
    Participant

    Hi guys,

    I’d like to tell you my story and get some unbiased opinion. I will be very grateful because I feel horrible and have nobody to talk to.

    I’ve been meeting a guy for 6 months. Today I thought I really had to finish the relation. The problem is I really felt in love with him… So why I made the decision?

    – He smokes weed everyday. He tells me it can’t be an addiction and that I have like a small-town mentality if I think there is something wrong about this practice…

    – He never invites me for a dinner or even ice creams… You know what I mean- I’m not a materialist but I think girls should be treaten like princesses sometimes. And it would b nice if he offered me to go out even once a month. The problem is he has no initiative. Never. For example, I asked him before Christmas if we would buy some presents for each other (I already knew him a little so I wanted to avoid an awkard situation) and he was like yees, of course. Then anyway he didn’t give me not even a flower and I bought him stuff so I felt really stupid… Neither on Valentine’s Day he didn’t give me nothing.
    Generally, we spent time always at his home.

    – He would never walk me home. For example when Im going out w friends it seems he doesnt care.. My ex boyfriend was always super jealous but not only this. Also he would come even angry to walk me home so I didnt hav to do it by my own at night..

    – He is 30 and has no future plan. I’m 23 and have much more.

    – I thought I will b able to change him a little (because in general he is a really nice and interesting person) so I tried many ways. I told him everything, crying in front of him, saying my monolog.. not once.. and the only thing he does is sad face. Nothing else. I tried not to talk to him few days and of course he was calling me all the time etc. Yesterday I anwered the phone and he told me that we should meet. I told him that ok but only if he would come here because I want to to his home lik some room service every week. He said ok. Then he didnt even call me all day. He went to his friend home ( he is there everyday and w me he meets mayb once a week) like always.

    I told him it was over because he was such a bad influence for me. I was always self-confident and he made me feel like … (you know)
    What he answered me was that im exagerating and its only my fault im overthinking stuff.
    Do u think he is right? I feel so bad now. I Love him. But I think I should let it go. Im very afraid of being lonely and I don’t know if its possible to meet somebody who would b the opposite of all the things ive just written.

    Guys, please help me. Im really desperate. What should i do?

    Thank u in advance!

    With love,
    Aida

    #73531
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Aida,

    I think you said it best in one of your sentences, in that you don’t want to be some kind of service that visits him every week. The think about pot smoking is that it kills a motivation to do anything else and if someone is too lazy to take you out in dates or to visit you at home then you have to wonder what kind of commitment does he show for the relationship.

    For the time being, go with the no contact rule and delete all his details. Don’t think about whether you will have another relationship and focus on yourself instead. Whether it is exec revising, studying or take up a new hobby, do something that enriches your life and you will find that you don’t need the validation of another to put a smile on your face.

    #73566
    Will
    Participant

    Aida, I’m not sure what you should do, but it sure sounds like he’s not the right guy for you. You feel like he’s not putting any effort into having a relationship with you. Of course you feel bad now, you’re going through a breakup and he’s trying to manipulate you into staying.

    Don’t stay with a layabout dope-head who can’t be bothered to make any effort for you simply because you fear to be alone. Meeting more people will be easier once you’re not tied to him.

    You’re going to be all right. Just because you love him doesn’t mean you should be his … (you know).

    #73568
    Aida
    Participant

    Thank you very much for responding! I know you are both right. The other thing which makes me more unsure about this situation is that I’m a foreigner (im from Italy) and he was the first person i met in US. I have work here and I know some people but they are not my close friends… I had even some admirers 😉 but i made them leave me alone because of my boyfriend who anyway isn’t even jealous.. I also told him for me it was strange and he responded me that this tipe of craziness was tipical for Italy.. In general many times he was saying some stupid stuff about my country, trying to excuse his behaviour with differences between our cultures (he is Caribbean).

    It’s more difficult because I feel alone in foreign country. But I know I should be strong.

    #73573
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    He sounds like he has no motivation whatsoever and you will tire of this.
    Men need to show some manliness in their lives by doing things!
    Treating you well is one of them and he has fallen way short.
    Whatever his problem is, it isn’t yours and I seriously hope you do not get further involved in this.
    I have been in situations like this and looking back I can see now that it was because I was doing all the work in the
    relationship is why there was one at all.
    Do yourself a favor and exit this immediately. Your self esteem will continue to drop and will lead to you getting into unhealthy relationships.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Maggie Black.
    #73575
    Jodi
    Participant

    The question to ask yourself is not if you are too demanding, but rather does this man share the same values and is he on the same life path as you? His chosen lifestyle is not “wrong” but it doesn’t sound like it fits with the life you want for yourself. If this is true, the kindest and most loving thing you can do is release both of you to find others who will want the same lifestyle and share the same values without feeling the need to change the other.

    Best of luck to you!

    ~Jodi

    #73602
    Aida
    Participant

    Thank you again. You are totally right. We are very different, im an energetic person and he always want to smoke and lie down… Its so difficult for me but I hope I will handle it.

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